Navy fights Space Marines

Or moar liek... Battleshit!? Amirite?!?!?

Y'know, I was having fun working at The Worst Movie Theater In Philadelphia . I mean, first I got to see Cabin in the Woods, which was practically horror movie buff Nirvana. Next, I had the pleasure of seeing The Avengers, which was practically comic fanboy Nirvana. So I didn't have clean pants for much of the last month. Oh man it was glorious.

Only figures something would have to come around to bring this to a screeching halt. Battleship. The movie with what might be the stupidest concept ever (yes it is based on the board game). At least until the inevitable Pac-Man Movie.

Let me take you all back to when I was a little Doobie, in about the mid 90's. Everybody wore wifebeaters and had chains on their pants. I didn't watch much TV, but god, I remember this one commercial pretty vividly, and you might understand why. It was a commercial for the Marines, where this shirtless, sweaty, clean-shaven muscleman ran through poorly-rendered, CGI hell, dodging lava flows and spike traps and saying "hi" to Indiana Jones and shit. Then, all of a sudden, Satan comes rearing out of the lava to fight the shirtless man. This is when the shirtless man draws a giant flaming sword and vanquishes Satan, he walks out into the light, and suddenly he is no longer shirtless, he is clad in the uniform of a MARINE. I guess the lesson is "join the marines and you'll get to kill Satan with your giant, flaming sword." No drugs in the military my ass.

But I couldn't help but remember that commercial while watching this movie, because this movie really is that commercial, only with better effects and instead of a commercial for the Marines, it's for the Navy. But that's what this seems to be. A big, dumb, weird commercial for the Navy.

All there is to the plot is that Space Marines invade Earth, and they have to fight the American Navy in the big, real game of Battleship for the fate of the planet.

Hold on while I get fitting theme music...



I mean... this movie doesn't do anything right. I would talk about the characters but I really couldn't give a fuck about any of them. There was a legless veteran who I thought was being played by Shaquille O'Neal, then I remembered that Shaquille O'Neal is a much better actor.

This movie is the most mind-numbing shit. It's the most Michael Bay movie that Michael Bay never made, a film utterly in thrall to a military that the writer probably never served in, where an Earth shattering battle is fought but it's ok because the good guys (that's AMERICA) win and only one character we're supposed to care about dies and in the end all the soldiers go home and no one has PTSD or any other long lasting scars to deal with! Emotional investment was had by none, but at least we got to see a lot of explosions, right?

And then we can all ignore the irony as Fortunate Son plays during the end credits to our shallow chest-thumping session. AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

How is the movie based on the game? Space aliens and Navy guys draw crosses on a piece of paper and then try to guess where the crosses on the other parties paper are?

I played Battleship. There were no cool'sploshions. There were no 'sploshions at all.

Do the Navy make a grid on the ocean and guess with nukes? Because that would be all out funny.

Navy Guy: C-5

BOOM!!
Space alien: ''You've sunk my battleship' Said just like that too.

IIRC there's a network of mines, or something, that are activated by putting plugs in holes. Or something like that...

I've yet to see the film, and I've heard nothing but bad stories about it. I figured that it could have worked, if they just didn't give a shit and rolled with it, Mars Attacks/2012-style - but apparently they try and play it straight - and still don't give a shit.

I've genuinely read opinions that the Asylum "mockbuster" version "American Warship/Battleship" is actually better. That's gotta sting!

Edit: Also "You sunk my battleship" is a line in the movie.

Oh, great. Hollywood's not satisfied with remaking every movie that's been made in the past 30 years. Now they're raiding the toy stores for ideas.

To be perfectly fair, I thought Clue made a great movie.

Of course Clue is inherently a murder mystery...

I suppose you could do some kind of Hunt for Red October-style military movie with Battleship, but I don't think this is it.

It helps that the Clue movie didn't take itself too seriously, parodying murder mystery tropes and such.

No, seriously, what the fuck are we talking about

Oh. Well then.

WD40 wrote:

Edit: Also "You sunk my battleship" is a line in the movie.

No, it isn't.

Penguin wrote:

WD40 wrote:

Edit: Also "You sunk my battleship" is a line in the movie.

No, it isn't.

Oh - It must be in "American Warship" then.

I've been reading a lot about both movies recently.

I don't know why...

I first heard about this movie on the Colbert Report. Naturally I assumed that this was all a joke that ol' Stephen was pulling one on me.

How I wish I could go back to those innocent days

Next they'll do a Monopoly movie except the movie will be longer than the Crimean War and will end with all the characters strangling each other unless they're broken up by the cops.

Mouse wrote:

Next they'll do a Monopoly movie except the movie will be longer than the Crimean War and will end with all the characters strangling each other unless they're broken up by the cops.

...I might watch that.

Mouse wrote:

Next they'll do a Monopoly movie except the movie will be longer than the Crimean War and will end with all the characters strangling each other unless they're broken up by the cops.

What characters? You have the Monopoly Man, then just a toy car, a thimble, and some other shit.

Now, if they made some martial arts tournament movie like Mortal Kombat or Enter the Dragon with nothing but characters from board games and shit, THAT would be something to watch.

Monopoly Man vs That Guy From Operation

Ready...

FIGHT

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

Mouse wrote:

Next they'll do a Monopoly movie except the movie will be longer than the Crimean War and will end with all the characters strangling each other unless they're broken up by the cops.

What characters? You have the Monopoly Man, then just a toy car, a thimble, and some other shit.

Now, if they made some martial arts tournament movie like Mortal Kombat or Enter the Dragon with nothing but characters from board games and shit, THAT would be something to watch.

Monopoly Man vs That Guy From Operation

Ready...

FIGHT

...I want this.

Why can't I HAVE THIS?!

Mouse wrote:

Next they'll do a Monopoly movie except the movie will be longer than the Crimean War and will end with all the characters strangling each other unless they're broken up by the cops.

Actually...

Although to be fair, that article was posted in mid-to-late 2011, so plans may have been...sunk.

TIC TAC TOE

X V. O

"I love you, Rome-O!"

"I love you, Julie-X!"

"TIC TAC...NOOOOOOOOO!"


oh Liam Neeson, how could you

I know you're a widower with two chaps to raise but seriously

myeerah wrote:

To be perfectly fair, I thought Clue made a great movie.

Of course Clue is inherently a murder mystery.

Clue is a fantastic movie. Going mystery/comedy with it was the perfect way to go with the project, and having three endings (two fake-outs and the real "Tim Curry's the villain" finale) made for a great way to close the movie out. But let's face it; the game had a story built into it that could be exploited. Clue wouldn't have been anywhere near as good without the game having inherent story potential.

Battleship? I've heard tons of reviews blowing it off as warmed-over Michael Bay, and the commercials haven't dispelled that. So I'll be passing on it.

Mouse wrote:

I first heard about this movie on the Colbert Report. Naturally I assumed that this was all a joke that ol' Stephen was pulling one on me.

How I wish I could go back to those innocent days

Oh yeah, that segment from '09 when Universal first bought the rights to that crap? That was 100 times more entertaining than the movie was.

And as someone that is currently in the Navy, I can tell you none of that shit is right. AT ALL. The five inch gun with which Rhianna shoots the one alien over the side of the boat doesn't have a camera attached, nor is it operational from the combat control room. Every time that movie played during our deployment (which seemed to be once a week, at least), the guys who actually worked in Combat would have a "Spot The Inaccuracies" game.