Loony Door-to-Door Religions

So, a few months ago, I got a knock on the door of my apartment. I opened it, thinking it would be one of my college friends dropping by, and lo and behold, it was a salesman of religion. Now I've not seen too many of these because I grew up on a ranch with a driveway that's trapped many a UPS truck, and was guarded by two vicious attack horses, and a psycho killer (read:nosy) Shetland sheepdog.

So, he started talking, and I started listening, never having met such a creature before. The ideas he was trying to pitch to me were hilarious. First he went on a schpeal about how all black men are Muslims (and thus Obama must be one too) and I said, "Well, isn't it possible to change religions? Even if part of his family was Muslim hundreds of years ago, that doesn't mean that they didn't convert to Christianity when they were brought here."

Perhaps I shouldn't have tried to reason with him.

Next thing you know, he was explaining to me how everyone who's X-religion is genetically related to X-son of Abraham. (For some reason, there's only three religions in the world.) I told him he didn't look very Middle Eastern (blond hair, blue eyes, obviously of northern European descent) and that if I went by his reasoning, than all of Europe would have to be various brands of paganism, and he shouldn't be be on my doorstep.

Then I told him that genetically, I'm Jewish and Catholic, and that I chose to be agnostic. He fled.

So, any loonies trying to give you salvation for your soul (as long as you've got the right genetics.)? And just for curiosity's sake, is this a problem in other countries too?

I've pretty commonly gotten people from random churches on my door, be they Baptist or Mormon or what not, but never anyone I'd term crazy. Thus far *knock on wood* they have all been quite polite. It was always when out and about that I come across the nutters. Like the people who wore white all the time and said they couldn't bathe because the only time you're supposed to be immersed in water is at baptism. >_<

I live across the street from a Mormon...church or temple or whatever they have. Only ever got door-knocked by them once, though, and not by the standard two guys in business suits, either--it was a lady and her little daughter. I opened the door thinking it was one of my little brother's friends. Dirty rotten tricksters....

From time to time we get the Jehovah's Witnesses coming round. Now that we've got a phone link thingy on our door, I refuse to let them in the building when they start on their 'we've got good news for you' spiel.

An ex-boyfriend always said he wanted a pentacle flag in his hall. And just to give them the willies he always said he wanted someone to warn him they were coming, so that he could get into a full purple robe outfit with dripping knife (red ink), put out the black candles and then when they knocked on the door say, "I'm fascinated, but I'm a bit busy at the moment".

I'm almost sorry he never got the chance - I never got around to making the robes.

Lexin wrote:

An ex-boyfriend always said he wanted a pentacle flag in his hall. And just to give them the willies he always said he wanted someone to warn him they were coming, so that he could get into a full purple robe outfit with dripping knife (red ink), put out the black candles and then when they knocked on the door say, "I'm fascinated, but I'm a bit busy at the moment".

That's rather a lot of trouble to go to but I think it may be worth it.

I've often wondered what would happen if I told them I was a Voodoo Priestess or something.

Occasionally I've walked past the kind who shout at you and hand out leaflets, (Evangelists, right?) If I wasn't in a hurry and it was quiet enough to be heard, I'd point out that people adopt a new religion because of a profound spiritual revelation or something, not because a prat with a loud-hailer has accosted them in the street.

In Oxford, where I used to live, there were quite a few groups like this (probably because the place is full of impressionable students). Going down the main shopping street on a Saturday was like running a gauntlet of, among other things:

-Christian preachers of varying levels of craziness (the man waving a trumpet was a highlight). I once got into a conversation with one of these and asked him about genocide in the Bible.
-Friendly Muslims trying to educate people about Islam (i.e. "We're not all terrorists, really! Here, have a leaflet from our stall!)
-Left-wing political groups explaining about socialism (these got a boost when the world economy went belly-up)

Weirdly, I once got accosted by a recruiter on the street (i.e. an active one rather than a passive one) and visited by Jehovah's Witnesses on the same day. The first guy was of the common serial-killer-smile variety and, when confronted with questions about genocide in the Bible, basically kept saying "you must have faith!". I also amused myself deconstructing his metaphors: he said a lot of stuff about feelings deep in my heart that God existed or words to that effect; I pointed out that the heart is a blood-pumping organ. He changed from 'heart' to 'spirit', and I challenged him to prove the existence of spirits. The Jehovah's Witnesses were a nice old couple who at least had functioning braincells, though I was slightly perturbed by the fact that the man did all the talking.

Also, amusingly, the house where my first Dungeons and Dragons group used to meet was right next door to the HQ of some Christian group which had rainbow-coloured minibuses with "Prayer Warriors" or something like that written on them parked outside. Their evil detectors must have been on the blink. :D

I get Mormons every once in awhile. Once, an old lady dropped by and I told her I was an atheist. She then said something along the lines of 'do you really think the wonders of nature are randomly created?'

I said 'yes' and flashed her a smile. It really threw her off her game ---stared at me a bit shocked--- and promptly said her goodbyes.

Also, not quite an crazy preacher, but still. Friend of my dad is a bit fundie and asked, quite defensively, if we were all monkeys/descended from animals/something like that. I said 'yes' and she was also shocked.

In both cases, both women phrased their questions as if the alternative was unthinkable. I believe that saying 'yes' and letting them know that I liked their worse fears is an efficient way to shut them up.

I couldn't use that stunt on the latest Mormon visitor because we didn't talk much, but he did confuse me for a housewife and waved around a magazine article about better marriages like I was supposed to be impressed. I remember thinking, "I'm in my father's house, dipshit."

Oh! Also not a religion, but I did get a security alarm salesman once. We talked for awhile, because he was kinda hot.

I was once accosted on the street in Finland by a man who vaguely looked like a Buddhist monk, carrying a lot of books about spirituality, judging by the swirly covers (Hare Krishna or something like that, I guess). When I said I didn't speak Finnish, he switched to English and started talking at me with the worst accent I had ever heard in that country. I had no idea what he wanted. I - naively - assumed he had asked me for direction so I told him I was an exchange student and didn't know. Turned out he was mumblemumble monk from mumblemumble PlaceName and if I mumblemumble books. I was so stumped that I just went "I... What?". He then looked at me pityingly and said: "Your English is not really good, huh?"

Yeah...

I never had people come to my door, either in Finland or in Germany, but I hate it when someone tries to stop me in the streets, even if it is a charity for a cause I support. I want to be left alone, thank you very much.

I've only gotten a few door-to-door callers, but I did tell one I was a Satanist. They politely made their excuses and left. Another one a friend answered, and he jumped the gun saying he was a reborn Christian and he wasn't interested before I could say anything, sadly. The last one was many years later, and I was trying to be polite, but they had woken me up in the middle of my sleep cycle (when I was working nights) and after a couple snide comments on their part, I finally held up my hand and said, "Fuck God" and closed the door in their faces. That one was particularly satisfying.

I've had a couple others, but usually all I have to say is, "I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry to go" and they just leave.

My friend's brother was always being hassled by Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on his door, so one time he answered stark naked and asked them if they'd help him find Jesus.

He doesn't get hassled anymore.

What, like "come on in and let's look for him together"?

I got a pamphlet from some random street proselytiser once. It told me that I have an emptiness in my life that booze, drugs, and religion couldn't fill. The only thing that could fill that emptiness was Jesus. Who is a religious figure. Except that religions can't fill that emptiness, apparently. Hmm.

For a while, Jehova's Witnesses kept dropping by and leaving the Watchtower for me. It contradicted itself, too (yes, I read a couple of issues).

In one issue someone was praised for making the most of hir god-given talent, and it was said it would be a sin to throw away such a gift. In the next issue, someone was praised for giving up a profession he loved and was really good at, to become a missionary instead.

Um. Which is it?

Narwhal wrote:

My friend's brother was always being hassled by Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on his door, so one time he answered stark naked and asked them if they'd help him find Jesus.

He doesn't get hassled anymore.

I´ve found that a simple "Allah akbar" suffices as well.

A pair of JWs once came to my door, and somehow knew my name. Keep in mind that I was 17 at the time, and still lived with my parents. How in the fuck they knew my name continued to freak me out for years afterward.

I really want to answer the door naked the next time the Mormons come around. The fiance doesn't like that idea, but I think it'd be worth it just to watch their mouths drop open as they stared at the first real, live and in technicolor pair of tits they've ever seen.

Animir wrote:

I got a pamphlet from some random street proselytiser once. It told me that I have an emptiness in my life that booze, drugs, and religion couldn't fill. The only thing that could fill that emptiness was Jesus. Who is a religious figure. Except that religions can't fill that emptiness, apparently. Hmm.

The usual fundie response to this is that (their brand of) Christianity is not a religion, it's "a personal relationship with Jesus Christ".

(I've noticed that people who say "Jesus Christ" in normal conversation as opposed to just "Jesus" tend to be statistically more nuts. People who say "Christ Jesus" are usually completely out to lunch crazy.)

Keith Fraser wrote:

(I've noticed that people who say "Jesus Christ" in normal conversation as opposed to just "Jesus" tend to be statistically more nuts. People who say "Christ Jesus" are usually completely out to lunch crazy.)

I will use that to assess the craziness potential in people I meet. Thanks.

Keith Fraser wrote:

(I've noticed that people who say "Jesus Christ" in normal conversation as opposed to just "Jesus" tend to be statistically more nuts. People who say "Christ Jesus" are usually completely out to lunch crazy.)

I am laughing so hard right now

Yeah, but you are so stoned right now



Don't feel bad, it made me laugh too, and I'm completely sober at this point.

I've heard of lots of people answering the door naked to these people and telling them that they've interrupted them having sex with their girl/boyfriend.

Keith Fraser wrote:

(I've noticed that people who say "Jesus Christ" in normal conversation as opposed to just "Jesus" tend to be statistically more nuts. People who say "Christ Jesus" are usually completely out to lunch crazy.)

Woo hoo! I'm completely out to lunch crazy!!!

Srsly, that's how I say it about half the time when I'm swearing.

SokMunkie wrote:

I've heard of lots of people answering the door naked to these people and telling them that they've interrupted them having sex with their girl/boyfriend.

I have a friend who did that while I was at her place, she even put on this scene from the Exorcist:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Lulz.

Maximilia wrote:

Srsly, that's how I say it about half the time when I'm swearing.

That doesn't count as normal conversation - lots of people say "Jesus Christ!" as an expletive, even ones who're not religious. I'm talking about people who say things like "I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ!" when "Jesus" would do just fine. It's not like there are any people called Jesus with other surnames who they're likely to be talking about.

Maybe the people who say "Christ Jesus" are closet anime fangirls and reverse the order of everyone's names...

I'v managed to put the local Mormon missionaries off pretty much permanently. Years ago, for reasons unknown, my brother Christ got my dad (who was a Pentecostal minister) a copy of the Book of Mormon (okay, we know the reason-he was in college, experiencing his 'I am rebelling against my upbringing' phase, and was trying to offend and unnerve dad, having not yet learned that it was basically impossible to offend/ unnerve my father). In any event, I read it one summer when I was a teenager, just to see what it said.

So whenever the Mormon missonaries show up at my door, wanting to give me a copy of their 'New Testament of Christ,' I tell them I've already read it. And when they ask me what I thought of it, I tell them that the plot was lousy and really didn't make any sense. Then I smile and close the door in their faces.

I operate on the theory that I didn't invite these people to show up at my door peddling their brand of religion, therefore, I'm not required to be civil to them.

I did see Jesus in the parking lot of a Kum and Go, once. He was one of those people who, for reasons that likely have to do with mental illness decide to dress up like Christ and travel cross-country carrying a cross. I was on my way out of state to Missouri, passed him on the highway, and briefly considered picking him up, but I didn't want to spend the entire trip to Kirksville being preached to. Still, I felt kinda guilty, giving that it was pissing down rain and he looked pretty miserable.

Lucky me seems to have missed out on the crazies knocking at the door - though there have been a few issues of Watchtower left on the step.

Did get pestered by the scientologists at the bus interchange the other day. You should have seen the number of pamphlets in the bin after they moved on.