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 The Daniel Radcliffe/Zelda crossover.

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Summercorn
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PostSubject: The Daniel Radcliffe/Zelda crossover.   Sat Nov 19, 2011 9:30 am

Whilst browsing the Google results for Daniel Radcliffe Fanfiction, I stumbled upon this little gem. This link takes you to the pages of IceandHarryPotter. Along with such morsels of joy as ‘Which Harry Potter element do you have?’

(Me, I’ve got his electrum. If he wants it back, he’s gonna have to ask nicely. (Or just Accio it. Whichever.)

And the frankly perplexing, ‘What Daniel Radcliffe expression are you?’

(I’m Daniel Radcliffe’s post expression. I’m hoping that if I hold on to it long enough, it’ll become early Radcliffe Dadaism, segue gently into Arts, both Deco and Nouveau and finally become a sort of early Modernist Radcliffe. Then I can sell it on Ebay. Make a killing.)

We bring ourselves to the two part fan-fic ‘Slaughter’. For those of you who want a direct link to the story:-
Here you go.

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hope you guys like it! Message me and I will continue!


Threats so early on.

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Dan still couldn't quite figure out why he hadn't already told Zelda he had feelings for her. There was something about her that made it hard to release the truth. Perhaps it was the fact that he thought Zelda would think she was too good for him. Zelda was a sword-fighter, and Dan was not.

No he was not. Dan was an international movie star who had been brutally kidnapped and forced to take part in a fan fiction. Weep for Dan.

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Or maybe she was too punctual, too sad, too angry... Or maybe even...Sad, depressed and lonely.

Punctual? Dan can’t say ‘I love you’ to a girl who shows up on time? Perhaps Zelda is too sad, mad and dangerous to know. Or has SAD. But sad is there. Oh yes.

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From what he was told and from what he had experienced that day, Dan thought, once again, of how his childhood had been, and how it became so much better when he came across Zelda on that summer's day.........

Everybody wobble, for we are going into a flashback… back… back...

Zelda and her mom and dad are in the car, just driving back from a trip to granny, when the car gets a puncture. Or as it arrives in the fiction:

Quote :
*pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft*

I haven’t much notion of the fandom, but from My Inner Life, got the feeling this HyRule stuff was kinda Medieval. So are cars usual? It seems incongruous with the rest of the story. He dad gets out to fix the car and asks for a screwdriver.

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Zelda hopped out of the car happily and handed her father the screwdriver, who instantly snatched it from her hand and pushed her over.
Zelda rolled down the long, grassy and wet hill as her father ran to the car and killed her mother and two brothers.

Wow, that was random. Farewell Zelda's mother and two brothers, we hardly knew you. In fact the first mention of the two brothers comes as they are killed. Our first abusive father in this story. This guy seriously freaks out at a flat tyre. Wonder what he’s like when his big end’s gone?

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Nearly seconds later, her father had been running down the hill towards her, the screwdriver tight in his hands....He was going to kill her too.

Nearly seconds? That’s hellishly fast work for killing three people with a screwdriver. A bit of wangst later, Zelda is stabbed in the arm and faints. The possession of the author subsiding, Daddy comes round and realises his day is somewhat ruined.

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Her father stood in silence for a very long time. What had he done?? He had killed his family for no reason, and he would be caught and sent to jail.

His masterful plan for this is to drive away in a car full of corpses, take them off and bury them somewhere and to drop his daughter down a well. We hear that she falls down the well for 'many minutes', but for all that, lands gently on soft, dry earth. This place has it’s own physics and a serious case of ‘bad place to dig a well’. There’s no water table, even thousands of feet down.

And Daniel Radcliffe, hereafter described as Pod-Dan, turns up. Aged ten, which makes even less sense than including him in the first place. I thought the way his introduction was written meant he’d had a vision of Zelda, but apparently he and his father turned up at the well by chance. He finds Zelda and they get her out of the bottomless, waterless well. How? It never comes up.

Oh, by the way, were you missing the cruel, abusive father now he’s left with the ex-wife and kids?

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"I said no!!" His dad shouted as his hand was raised and slapped the young boy across the face.
This young boy,Dan, fell to the ground and his dad picked up the young girl and left him lying there.

There, Pod-Dan’s father is abusive too. Or, since he only slaps Pod-Dan and doesn’t rummage in the toolbox and turn him to Pod-Dan pate with a wrench, maybe he’s this universe’s Dad of the Year.

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'Lying there....' Dan thought heavily...

He’s concussed. No way would the thought ‘lying there’ occur to anyone not addled.

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Dan! I Love You!
Oooh, poor Dan!

Indeed. I love it when the jokes write themselves.

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Message me if you liked it, and I'll post the next chapter!!

They did. She did. Oh the unmerciful fates. Crying or Very sad
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Summercorn
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PostSubject: Re: The Daniel Radcliffe/Zelda crossover.   Sat Nov 19, 2011 9:40 am

Part two.

Direct link to part two:-Here you go.

Quote :
"Dan!DAN!" Zelda shouted from across the table.

The dirty old man!

Washed his knickers in a frying pan!


Ahem. Sorry, had a moment there. I’m back now.

Disconcertingly, we are now back with adult Pod-Dan and Zelda. She insults him, he takes it. Then they laugh because she didn’t really mean it and he knew that.

Quote :
But what hit Dan the hardest was that he could tell when she did mean it.

And with the revelation that Pod-Dan has some basic observation skills, we get a line of hyphens and we’re back with Pod-Dan the kiddie and Abusive Dad No.2 carrying kiddie Zelda.

They pass the time with a guard, walk across the market place and across to Hyrule Castle, which apparently Pod-Dan’s dad will inherit. After some sneering and emotional of abuse of Pod-Dan, he knocks at the door. Which, if reactions are to go by, is opened by a very young Professor Farnsworth from Futurama.

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Almost as if he were expecting this knock, an adult man who looked to be in his 20's opened the door.
"Dear God?Wha---Who--How---?"

Abusive Dad No.2 hands over Zelda and Farnsworth tells him to wait, with Pod-Dan and Zelda, until the storm passes. Abusive Dad No.2 says:

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"I see no clouds whatsoever." Said Alan. "Dan, lets go."

This is when I realised that ‘Alan Radcliffe’ is actually an abducted Alan Rickman doing his performance of Snape. Oh please.

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"He's right, dad, we could get caught in the storm!" Dan said, pointing to the clouds.
"All the better for you to be struck by lightning! NOW RUN ALONG!" Alan said, hitting Dan again.

With this and the ‘coming home from a trip to granny’ motif, I’m wondering if this author is a big Red Riding Hood fan.

Farnsworth, (I call him that because he isn’t named in the fiction), is shocked by Pod-Dan being hit and lays down the still unconscious Zelda to pick up and dust off the young lad. He persuades Alan Abusive Rickcliffe to leave Pod-Dan there for the night and... And that’s that.

What a flashback scene that was! How much it explained of future events and how they played out. Who was Farnsworth? What happens to either abusive Dad? What happens after? Will we discover if AlanSnape Rickmancliffe inherits Hyrule Castle? If he doesn’t, Does Pod-Dan inherit? Will we ever know why Zelda remains unconscious for hours after a stab in the arm? Will we ever find out if Zelda’s Psycho-Dad gets his comeuppance? Will we even find out why this fic was called slaughter, when the multiple killing hardly impinged on the thing?

Nope.

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And so Dan and the adult man watched Alan as he disappeared from the bumpy grounds.

We don’t even find out why the ground is bumpy.

Another line of hyphens and we’re back with adult Pod-Dan and Zelda. He’s been daydreaming, she calls him on it. They decided to go to bed. And so this epic ends. With two chapters of naff all.

Oh, Zelda gives him a kiss on the cheek.

Quote :
Dan stood rooted on the spot, almost in a trance.
Dan grinned and followed Zelda upstairs to their bedrooms. He was the luckiest guy in Hyrule that night.

You cannot be rooted to the spot and follow someone. And Pod-Dan would have been the luckiest guy in Hyrule that night if they’d gone to one bedroom. Together. Moreover it’s good that he’s lucky that night, because Zelda has just told him the they are going demon hunting in the morning and we were told in the first paragraph that Pod-Dan has no fighting skills.

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GAH!DAN ISH MINE!!

Gah. Danish mine? Gahidan is mine? Oh! Gah! Dan is mine! Actually, you can have Gah!Dan. Just give the real one back.

I love a story with a beginning and a middle. This one didn’t even claw it’s way up that far. The spelling and punctuation are okay, it’s just the whole bunch of nothing that irks.



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GeorgeUK
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PostSubject: Re: The Daniel Radcliffe/Zelda crossover.   Sat Nov 19, 2011 1:52 pm

Screwdriver? Pah! Uncle Vernon can hold a cage in one hand and use his other hand to shoot the owl inside with a silenced shotgun in less than a second.
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EileenK98
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PostSubject: Re: The Daniel Radcliffe/Zelda crossover.   Sat Nov 19, 2011 9:28 pm

GeorgeUK wrote:
Screwdriver? Pah! Uncle Vernon can hold a cage in one hand and use his other hand to shoot the owl inside with a silenced shotgun in less than a second.

I think I read that one. Wasn't it on green GAFF?
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KJM
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PostSubject: Re: The Daniel Radcliffe/Zelda crossover.   Sat Nov 19, 2011 11:42 pm

It's been posted here.
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http://kennethmrrw502.blogspot.com/
Summercorn
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PostSubject: Re: The Daniel Radcliffe/Zelda crossover.   Sun Nov 20, 2011 4:48 am

It has indeed and the blood, THE BLOOD!!!!11!! still hasn't come out of the Golden Oldies section, despite it going through the boil wash. Twice.

Incidentally, I was browsing the IMDb, looking at The Woman in Black, (Radcliffe's new movie*), when I discovered that his father actually is called Alan Radcliffe. Which means that both father and son have been RPF'd in this tripe and Radcliffe senior as a child beating, stupid bastard.

What a charmer of an author.

*Which looks good enough that I might actually pay down some gelt and see this thing in the cinema. /appropos of nothing.

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