Yes, my first offering to the altar of GAFF was a Backstreet Boys fan fiction. I think that WhyGodWhy should be as lucky.
When I began to read Backstreet Boys fan fiction, I had no idea just how popular they were. Just Google the words, Backstreet Boys fan fiction and you get thousands of sites. Each one of these has dozens, sometimes hundreds of fics. Many, indeed most, written by pre-teen and teenage clueless fanbrats. In short, it’s a goldmine.
So, to our first story chronicling the adventures of Kevin, Brian, AJ, Nick and Howie.
Title: Say you love me, Brother
Author: Cathy
Link:Here you go.
This entire story reads as if the person who wrote it put it through a poor language translator into English. Sadly, I don’t think she did. It’s set in a contemporary AU dystopia. The USA is at war with a shadowy, yet totally open group called the Tang. We never find out why, or where these Tang come from, what their motivation is, or what they’re trying to win. There appears to be no President, Senate or House of Representatives in the militarised USA and, indeed precious little in the way of Human rights, torture being commonplace.
The title has almost no relevance to the story, but slinks away in shame outdone, as the summary has little or no relevance to reality, or comprehension.
Summary: In a dangerous mission they had together, they were trapped in a very dangerous friendship and they were trapped by the gin that they created by their own. Could they handle it or else? - Quote :
- (In a cold windy day)
(Picard) Not a very promising beginning.(/Picard)
Kevin (Richardson), a Captain in the army and one of those special ops types Like James Bond, Kevin is a national hero, known by all, making his covert activities next to useless. Kevin seems to still live with his mother. I’m not saying anything, I’m just saying... you know. Somehow, for me, that would kill the mystique with James Bond.
Brian (Littrell) is Kevin’s Sergeant. He allows himself, through jealousy, to be tricked into giving the Tang the password to the computer system that defends all the US. And when I say, ’tricked’, the Tang pretty much ask him and he gives it to them. Howie (Dorough) is a computer genius and Co-General. How two Generals can work in one unit I have no idea, I guess a clear chain of command just isn’t needed.
AJ (McClean) is also Kevin’s Sergeant though we don’t actually get told this until nearly the end of the story. Nick (Carter) is the son of ‘ex-General Mr. Carter’, and the ex-General and General Wright are all for dumping Brian out of his job and giving it to Nick. Nick (Carter) isn’t even in the army. He hasn’t a day’s training. But apparently he can take over as Sergeant to Kevin
and work on the Top Secret computer system that the whole US defence apparently depends upon. Security protocols for those of you who though lax was an airport in California.
So right away this whole story could have been written with original characters without changing a thing. The only things that remain of the 1990’s boy band are the names, the physical descriptions and the fact that Brian is Kevin’s cousin.
Throughout the story the US military and the Tang/Tangs, (it changes from paragraph to paragraph), vie with each other for supreme incompetence. Known enemy operatives can apparently waltz in and out of the US, even into military bases. The US Army are happy for people convicted of treason to present themselves to prison. How very Paris Hilton. The Tang/s’ great plan is to destroy a ‘watchtower’ which will destroy New York. They are to use a Hydro-bomb, which sounds like a water filled balloon. Shall we take a peak at the shear awfulness of this fiction?
- Quote :
- Kevin walks in. He find that house is really big and tidy. Mrs. Carter let him sat on the sofa. Kevin knows that set of sofa would be very expensive. Just look at the art.
*Summercorn looks around, bemused*
- Quote :
- It's hard to find one like that.
Like what? Fictional? Invisible? Yeah, I’d say. The discussion turns to Nick.
- Quote :
- "What do you think about him?" ask Mrs. Carter.
"He's gorgeous. Probably if he tried hard, he could be very excellent in the army.”
said Kevin.
Because what you really need when the chips are down and freedom is at stake, is gorgeous.
- Quote :
- "He won't be an army," said Mrs. Carter.
"What? What do you mean?"
"He's going to be a journalist. His brain is really good, you know. We'll send him to Switzerland for his journalist satisfaction," she said again.
Again? When did she say it before? What the hell is journalist satisfaction and why do you need to go to Switzerland to get it?
- Quote :
- "That's nothing, Kev. My mom really hates army while my dad is really fanatic about army," Nick said.
"Hmm, that's weird. How could they live together?" ask Kevin.
"They changed their mind after marriage. That's why," Nick explains.
You can see what Mrs. Carter means about Nick having a good brain. I mean, compared to her, he just about does. And, boy, Nick sure is a budding journalist, isn’t he? Look at his ability to clearly define and explain complex arguments in few words. His matchless ability with incisive logic. I mean, his grasp of vocabulary, syntax and tense are as such they must command respect.
Kevin and Howie work out that the computer has been - yet again - hacked.
- Quote :
- “It means, someone do had logged in the program but they ‘wash’ all of the
sense unless the green lines. I’m not sure whether they forgot or they were
actually didn’t know about the green lines,” Howie explains, “Do you got
it?”
“Oh god! This is terrible,” Kevin’s eyes widened, “Howie, you’re a computer
genius,”
I’m not sure ‘genius’ qualifies. I mean, I’d figured out something had washed all of the sense from this a long time ago. And, yes Kevin, it is terrible.
Once they know the password has - yet again - been figured out, the beady eye of suspicion falls on Kevin. He is arrested.
- Quote :
- “I’m not a betrayal! I mean… I’d took my life in danger to safe this country
and now the country wants to annoy me itself? This is really legally…” Kevin
turns to Howie.
Yes, it is really legally, Kev, but them’s the breaks. Sometimes the country just wants to annoy you itself. We’ve all been there.
The Tang use the data to find when their captured leader, Fenburn will be transferred and cook up a cunning plot to release him.
- Quote :
- “Okay, you guys know the plan. We’ll hide behind the hills and trees, and
when I give the sign, just shoot out the guns. Got it?” Lysander, the most
wise man in the Tangs required his plan.
Ought they to synchronise their watches, do you think? Or just go when they feel like it. After all, these details are important.
Read this story, if only for the torture scenes. They are pure comedy gold. I’ll leave you with these words of wisdom from Ex-General Mr. Carter. Cherish them. Treasure them. If anyone can understand them, let me know.
- Quote :
- "Don't try to protect yourself from the wind, captain. I'd been a captain before being a general. I start from above. That's why I don't want my son gets the captain form easily. If it's my place, I start since I'm a water carrier. But I let my son feel easy by letting him be your sergeant," said Mr. Carter.
Anyone?
Home 
Oh wow, this is amazing(ly bad) 
May I have some bleach for my eyes?
