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 Only A Job

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grmblfjx
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PostSubject: Only A Job   Tue Nov 01, 2011 4:05 pm

Hello, and welcome to my first ever snark. Be gentle, I've never done his before Fuck me up, if need be.

So this is a story about two young men who have every conceivable trauma (except amputation) happening to them, as far as I can tell. The author adds drama with an industrial-size ladle, and I went from "okay, a little clichéd, but w/e" to "another thing?" to "this can't be happening o.O" within twelve chapters on the outside.

This little gem was completed a few days ago at a solid 25 chapters... within one month and one day. Yeah.

I'll just get started on this now, but I have a feeling I will have to cover the whole story to do it justice. In the meantime, you can have a look for yourself, if you're into pain.


Quote :
[a/n] So this is just a prologue but I'll put up an actual chapter also. Gonna take a break from One Wing and try to figure out what the hell I'm doing with it, I have thought about taking it down and trashing it if I can't come up with a more solid plot.

Actually sounds decent, right? An author willing to take a critical look at their own stories, concerned with plot, can't be too bad? Well. I don't mean to hurt you, but I'm afraid I have to tell you that this is the high point of the entire thing.



But! Let's delve right in!

The story starts with a flashback to a party back in the protagonist's teenage days. Of course, they play Spin The Bottle, and of course it turns to blowjobs. I mean, that happens every time, right?

Quote :
“Wait.” Katy cried before the other girl let the bottle loose. “We are all hot and sexy teens here right?” Everyone sitting around her hooted. “So let’s make this game even more fun. Whoever you get ladies, you have to not only kiss them but give them a blow job.”
Yeah, sounds like a fun game. I can't imagine who'd back out of it.

So Connor, the main character, goes from thinking that "there were more girls there then boys and [he] was ready to kiss all of them" to "[his] stomach was doing flips, he had never even been kissed before let alone had a girl use her mouth, on that!"
Okay, so he's nice and virginal, and why not. Everyone is nervous and virginal at some point. 's cool.

After a couple of rounds in which not everyone is happy yet somehow nobody even thinks about refusing -and really, I should have cut this story loose at this point- it's Connor's turn, and in a shocking turn of events the bottle points at a guy. Of course, now the other guys speak up and insist it's just a game and they don't have to do it, but Katy disagrees and locks them in the room where everybody else has been going for their respective blowjobs. Sexy, no?

So now we meet Abia. Abia, whose self esteem seems to have divorced him at birth, because he says things like these:


Quote :
“Just pretend I’m one of the girls.” Abia whispered, quickly catching Connors lips.

It was a short kiss but it was enough to get Connor riled up enough. “Fine but after this is over we are never going to talk about this again, ever, got it?”

“Fine by me.” Abia said, popping the buttons on Connor’s jeans.
Yeeeaahhhh.


So that's the prologue. The first chapter, creatively titled "Chapter 1", has us back in the present, and after a brief, resentful thought about job-hunting, this happens without warning:

Quote :
“So what’s this, you seduce me into your bed, with promises of a night of passion and then you can’t even get it up? So you ignore me for the rest of the night, hoping I won’t be here in the morning?”

“That’s usually what happens.” Connor replied, smelling a shirt he pulled off the floor.

“You know you should get that checked out. Your twenty one and you can’t get hard, it’s not a good sign.” She rubbed his back as he tossed more clothes around.

“Thanks for the concern babe but the doctors say there is nothing wrong with me.” He found a shirt that was somewhat clean and tossed it on the bed, searching for a towel. “Now if you don’t mind, I have a few very important things to do and I’m already late.”

“Alright, but the next time you try to take a girl home, make sure you can fuck her like you promise.” She pulled on her own clothes and left the small apartment.

“Yeah I know.” Connor grumbled to no one.
Sooo, wait, you know you can't get it up, but you keep telling girls wondrous things about sex with you? And they're usually gone in the morning, and if they aren't you throw them out, but you think "next time" is going to be different?
The one thing you're not supposed to do with erectile dysfunction is put pressure on yourself. You know, promising nights of passion you possibly can't deliver, and shit.

So, that in itself is something you could write a story about, right? About someone struggling with it, taking it to heart, conflict with their significant other, awkward and/or heartwarming sex scenes of him pleasing his partner in other ways.
Yeah, except this is just a footnote.



At this point I would like to introduce the ~Drama Galore Checklist~, and believe me, it will look like Santa's address list by the end: five miles long.

[X] Erectile Dysfunction



...and what do you know, the next plot point is just around the corner, because Connor gets himself a job in the seedy part of town, as an... "entertainer", because he already owes three months rent and life is shit and there are no jobs for poor little Connors who are fated to entertain yaoi fangirls with awkward sex scenes:

Quote :
Now you don’t have a problem with fucking another man right?”

“No sir.” Connor said, though the thought made him sick but he needed the job, so he wouldn’t complain.

“Have you ever had sex with a man?” Connor nodded, thought he hadn’t. “Good, be here tonight at six and we’ll get you ready. I’ll pay you on how well you do tonight and you can keep all of your tips.”

“Thank you sir.”

Take note: thinking about gay sex makes him sick. He has never done it but he thinks having his first time with a customer is going to work. Do you remember the part where he can't get it up? Sure, there's no way this could go wrong.



~Drama Galore Checklist:~

[X] Erectile Dysfunction
[X] Down on his luck enough to prostitute himself



So he comes to work that night, his, uh, uniform turns out to be a very small thong, he stands in a "long line" with other male prostitutes in a room covered in red velvet, and when everyone is lined up and told that "Mr. Williams has just arrived, look sharp" a door opens and all the customers "shuffle" in and each pick someone... at which point this stopped being a story and turned into a kinky game show, but I digress.

In another astonishing plot twist, the guy who ultimately picks him is... you guessed it, Abia.

Quote :
Connor’s stomach suddenly fell to the floor when he recognized the man. Abia Williams, he should have known.
Yes, because that last name is extremely uncommon, so who else could it have been?


Connor can't tell if Abia even recognizes him, but hell, he's just trying to pay his bills, right? So what follows is a pretty awkward blowjob, but at least it's meant to be awkward.

Quote :
Connor knew he was bad at this; it had been years since he had been given proper head by a woman and he couldn’t remember what they did, so he could mimic it.

A finger wrapped under his chin and he tensed his jaw. “Easy, no biting, I’m just trying to guide you so it’s easier for you.”

Connor relaxed his mouth, as Abia’s finger’s angled his head, so he could take more of the young man in without choking himself. It was still very awkward and Connor could tell by the lack of noise from Abia, that he wasn’t pleased at all. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Abia finished and Connor pulled away quickly.
Short? Get used to it.


Abia gives him a coat and takes him home. Mental image of a guy wearing nothing but a thong and a trenchcoat: check.

In the car, I mean limo, he offers a drink, but Connor won't take it:

Quote :
I’m twenty one but I come from an alcoholic family, so I swore off the stuff a long time ago.” Connor felt stupid revealing such a secret, but Abia nodded his head.

~Drama Galore Checklist:~

[X] Erectile Dysfunction
[X] Down on his luck enough to prostitute himself

[X] Alcoholism in family


Quote :
With a small snap and a painful slap to his skin, Connor stared wide eyes at Abia’s hand, which was holding the only scrap of clothing that had covered him.
...make that trenchcoat only.


So of course Abia lives in a fucking mansion, with a "flurry of maids" to greet them and, God, this story is really that awful, isn't it.


Quote :
Connor’s reaction to the house had made Abia hide a laugh, but the reaction to his room made the man laugh outright. “You act as if you haven’t seen a room before.”

“Not one like this.” Connor breathed.
...and that, ladies and gentlemen, is all we ever hear about the room.



Abia tries to return the fellatio favors, but hey, you know what? Connor can't get it up. Who ever saw that coming?


Quote :
Abia’s long blond hair tickled Connor’s skin as he took the young man into his mouth. As usual Connor felt nothing, as Abia’s hot mouth tried to arouse him. It was the same as always, nothing but a little movement from him and then they got frustrated and gave up.

“How long has it been like this?” Abia asked, inspecting Connor’s manhood closely.

“Um I think I was sixteen when it all just kind of stopped.” Connor winced when Abia’s fingers dug into his sensitive skin. “Easy that hurts.”

“Sorry just looking for something.” Abia eased the tension, but continued to search.

“Something like what?” Abia shrugged.

So, can he feel something or not? I'm confused.



His new benefactor decides to send him to a doctor in the morning, because

Quote :
“I didn’t even have health insurance and there was no way in hell that my old man was going to take me to some specialist just cuz I couldn’t get a hard on.” Connor snorted.
except I thought the doctors said there was nothing wrong with him? But the author throws us a bone that will excite and distract us from minor plot holes like that, because Abia is making an offer!

He wants Connor as a live-in toy!

Quote :
“I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. I will pay your rent, and you will get your things, and you will return to the house.” He pressed his lips to Connor, closing the deal. “Welcome to your new home Connor.”

How sweet.



~~~

GAFF Memorial Award For Ill-Conceived Phrasing
goes to:

Quote :
Connor’s stomach suddenly fell to the floor
Whoopsie. Dropped something!


Last edited by grmblfjx on Tue Nov 01, 2011 6:44 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Tue Nov 01, 2011 5:14 pm

Ehehehehehehe. I am so looking forward to more of this.

Quote :
"okay, a little clichéd, but w/e" to "another thing?" to "this can't be happening o.O"
Man that is how I felt when reading Cake. I wish I still had the list I compiled of shit that happens to the main Stu of that yaoi epic.
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Maximilia
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Tue Nov 01, 2011 5:17 pm

O.O Wow! You're not messing around for your first fic, Grumbles! That is... atrocious! Yay! Excellent job! :D

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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Tue Nov 01, 2011 5:58 pm

It's like reading bad fanfic of bad yaoi in 2003.
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grmblfjx
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Tue Nov 01, 2011 6:33 pm

Ah, what the hell, I'm on a roll.



So in chapter 2 -the next morning- Abia has already made a doctor's appointment, sent someone to buy clothes and decided to send Connor back to school (which he had to drop out of at seventeen to help pay the bills), all by the time the latter wakes up. Pretty good for a john, eh?



~Drama Galore Checklist:~

[X] Erectile Dysfunction
[X] Down on his luck enough to prostitute himself
[X] Alcoholism in family

[X] High school drop-out due to poverty




Quote :
I told you already that I would take care of everything.” Abia cut him off, letting his eyes look over him. “You look much better in clothes that fit you.”
As opposed to, uh, nothing but your coat?


Connor, despite having spent the night, has a problem with the situation. I'm just mentioning that as a side note, because it really is of no consequence, he just pouts and complains a lot but that has zero impact because... actually, I don't even know. It just doesn't.


They have roomservice a maid bring breakfast, and, lo and behold:

Quote :
Connor stomach rumbled, he had not eaten a real meal in years. (...)

“I’m not very hungry.” Abia gave him a small smile. “You, however, act like you haven’t eaten in days.”

“I don’t make a lot of money, so I’m lucky if I get to eat at least once a day.” Abia did not look happy about the statement. “Don’t worry it’s not as bad as it sounds.”

~Drama Galore Checklist:~

[X] Erectile Dysfunction
[X] Down on his luck enough to prostitute himself
=> Has to go hungry a lot
[X] Alcoholism in family
[X] High school drop-out due to poverty



Connor refers to himself as Abia's whore, making him mad, because really Abia just wants for him to get an education. Obviously. I mean whenever I run into someone I gave head to -once, years ago- all I want to do is put them through school. Doesn't everybody?

Then they go to Connor's apartment to pack his stuff (I think) and meet an angry landlord.

Quote :
They were greeted by a fuming landlord, who opened his mouth to scream at Connor, when Abia pulled out his wallet asking the man how much Connor owed. “Connor start packing and I’ll be up in a bit to help.”

The young man nodded, heading for the stairs as Abia began pulling out large bills. “So let me guess you’re the new boyfriend, whose only goal in live is to fix your broken lover?” The landlord asked.

“Is there something about him I need to fix?” Abia asked, counting out the exact amount the landlord asked for.

“Oh so you two must be new, never seen him bring a guy home. Must be the reason why all the girls storm out all pissed off. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but his father was a horrible man. Treated his son like some piece of shit whore.”

“So that is why he’s like that?” Abia pondered over it.

“I would just recommend taking it very, very slow with him.” The landlord said stressing every word.

“I will keep that in mind, thank you.” Abia smiled kindly.
No, I did not cut anything out. Yes, the landlord really does go from "fuming" to "concerned fatherly figure" within a few sentences.

Also: how the hell does the landlord know anything about Abia wanting to help? How the hell does the landlord know anything about Connor's father (spoiler alert: they are Not In TouchTM)? What the hell is with that comment about "all the girls" being less than impressed? Some sort of rat bastard you are, Mr. Landlord.


It doesn't really matter, because we never see him again anyway, but just to have a look at how helpful that really was:

Quote :
“Your landlord said that your fa-”

“I don’t want to talk about that.” Connor roared, causing Abia to flinch. “Don’t bring it up, it’s none of your business.”

“You will eventually have to talk to me.” Abia said coolly.

“Your whore doesn’t have to tell you anything.” A hand connected with Connor’s face and he was flung onto the bed.

“If you insist on calling yourself a whore, then I will treat you like one.” Abia said sternly as he flipped Connor onto his stomach and pulled him onto his knees. “Is this what you want?”
See? They are argu- oohh, that's supposed to be the sexy bit, innit?

Or is it?

Quote :
“Yes.” Connor whispered in a shaky voice. “Please fuck me till you are happy, don’t worry about my body it will heal. You can be as rough as you want.”

Abia pushed himself off the bed staring at Connor with disgust as the landlord’s words returned to him. “Stop acting like and idiot and finish packing. You’re going to be late for your appointment if we don’t get going soon.”
So in case that wasn't clear -and it sure as hell wasn't for me, at the time-: Connor just gave some sort of brainwashed automated answer, which is only sexy to the hurt/comfort crowd, but hell, there's legions of'em out there.


So while the Drama Galore Checklist is going nuts with anticipation I'm considering Cliché Bingo, as well. So far we have:

-A lovely hero, down on his luck through no fault of his own
-A pretty prince businessman on a white horse limo who lives in a castle mansion and has a lot of servants staff
-A dramatic slap to the face
-A *thunderclap* mysterious dramatic past

and please remember that we're only in chapter two, ladies and gentlemen and others!



So anyway, Connor throws everything away that he's ever owned and immediately regrets it, but by this point they are on their way to see a doctor -because someone as rich and pretty as Abia always gets same-day appointments for five-year-old problems- and they pass the time with bickering. Get used to it, they do that a lot.

Quote :
“How did you get so rich? How did your life become so wonderful?” Connor watched as the young man frowned slightly.

“My life is no where near wonderful Connor. I may have money but that is all I have. My father owns a large oil company and when he died I was given the company. So I guess you could say I’m one of those rich snobs everyone says they hate, but on the inside they envy them.”

“So you’re one of the reasons this country is suffering.” Connor sighed out.

“I am sorry you feel that way.” Abia said bitterly. The rest of the car ride was silent.

At the doctor's office we learn that Connor's last name is Davis, in what is one of maybe two instances of "show, don't tell" applied in the entire story. It's completely irrelevant and I'm just mentioning it because you have to cherish small miracles when they happen.
The doctor is very nice, but, and here comes something genuinely unexpected:

Quote :
“I am terrified of doctors.”

“That’s it?” Relief washed through Connor.

“Trust me you have no idea. I become extremely violent, even just sitting here makes my heart pound and I’m not even the reason why we’re here. Dr. Aden specializes in people like me so he has rooms that are made to help relax his patients.”

(...) Abia began hyperventilating when someone knocked on the door.

“Good afternoon.” Emerald eyes fell on Abia with calm concern. “I’m not even seeing you today.”

“I know Dr. Aden, I just can’t help it.” Abiah said between gasps.
...the drama list is currently making grabby hands at not one, but two mysterious and traumatizing tragedies, one each. Did you see that coming? I didn't. I thought it was going to be all Connor as the damsel and Abia as the handsome prince.

And then!

Quote :
“So according to what Abia said, you’re having some issues getting erect?” Connor nodded slowly, he did not like having this conversation with anyone.

“I think he has a chip.” Abia whispered, his breathing finally back to normal.
This is a lengthy conversation, so let me summarize. Connor has an implant in his penis; one that Dr. Aden finds by way of some Star Trek-y cock ring that suddenly glows red instead of blue as he slides it on (and not just a light, no, the whole ring), which...

...I'm sorry.

brb cracking up

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...where was I? Oh, so it turns out that one time, at band camp sixteen, Connor went to a party and possibly got drugged and woke up in a field in shitsville and his father was really mad and somehow, someone, at some point, put a chip in his penissshrhrhrhr sorry. It is unclear who might have done it and why. Connor insists he was never raped. Dr. Aden explains that this sort of chip

Quote :
latches onto the nerve blocking a certain feeling, we used to use it on patients who have chronic pain, but they were also used for other things. We had to stop using them because someone got a hold of a bunch of them and used them to rape people. His victims couldn’t feel the pain, or feel any type of pleasure that would arouse them. That is why I ask.”

“Well I feel pain anywhere on my body, just not pleasure.”
So that explains why Connor was sensitive but not responsive, at least, although whoever did this must be a bit of a dick. Beyond the obvious, I mean. Can't they take the pain, too?
But anyway, what, you can just program the chip to block any feeling you want? #ScienceIsMagic

Dr. Aden thinks whoever planted the chip might have raped him, Connor assures him that they didn't because he doesn't remember any pain (and here I have to give it to the author; there is never actually anything that says he wasn't, just that he keeps saying as much, and at the same time there is no mention of anything to make us think he was. So we are clueless. But I had to lock the Drama Checklist in the basement and I can hear the ruckus all the way up here, soooo...).
The doctor points out that that proves nothing because he has a chip that would block the pain, Connor points out that he can feel pain just fine, but Dr. Aden insists that he wants to check for scarring and he is so insistent that "Connor stared at the other man with pleading eyes, but it only made Dr. Aden push for it more. Connor had no choice; he just had to do it. Sliding off the table he ignored the nurse standing quietly in the corner as a finger slipped into him."

Alas, no sexy doctor-and-nurse times. But what bothers me more- Anal Rape and I are not that closely acquainted, really, but I was rather under the impression that it is excruciatingly painful because the tissue there is so sensitive, not because it leaves wounds that can be felt five years later.

In any case, the doctor can't find anything, so they just go ahead and cut the chip out, and they are warned that Connor will be super-sensitive in comparison. Okay, that sort of makes sense to me- but if you think this is going to lead to plenty of premature ejaculation smut, don't get your hopes up.




~Drama Galore Checklist:~

[X] Erectile Dysfunction FUCKING CHIP IN HIS PENIS
[X] Down on his luck enough to prostitute himself
=> Has to go hungry a lot
[X] Alcoholism in family
[X] High school drop-out due to poverty









The chapter ends with A Talk between Dr. Aden and Abia:

Quote :
“Now you know I can’t tell you anything that Connor told me because of the confidentiality laws, but I am telling you right now, if you plan on having any sort of sexual relationship with him you must be careful. (...) I know I’m being vague, but please don’t push him to hard. I know the reason why you brought him into your home, but he could easily break. Just take it slow.(...) I would also recommend that he see a therapist.”

“A therapist?” Abia stared at the doctor in confusion.

“Yes, again I can’t tell you why. I shouldn’t even be telling you this but he needs to talk to someone and he is not going to talk to you.”

“Because he thinks he’s my whore and all I want from him is sex.” Abia sighed.

“Do you know him from somewhere? You certainly don’t act like someone who just randomly picked some guy up at a strip club and brought him home, with the intention of using him for sex.”

“No, until that day I had never seen him before.” Abia said refusing to look the man in the eye.

To summarize:
-Even though Connor had some serious brainwashy response going on just a few hours ago, Abia is baffled by the idea of therapy.
-Connor told Dr. Aden something we don't know yet. I can hear the Drama Checklist going nuts, down there. -.-
-Connor is made of soap bubbles and cotton candy, or something, and even though he thought he'd be alright turning tricks he "could easily break" if Abia actually wanted anything.
-We now know that Abia does, in fact, remember.
-Abia must be pretty damn comfortable with his doctor- how many of you tell your GP about your strip club adventures?!


They go home. End of chapter 2.



~~~

GAFF Memorial Award for Temporal Confusion
goes to:

Quote :
My father owns a large oil company and when he died I was given the company.




Maximilia wrote:
That is... atrocious!

That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week. Blush
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Sutremaine
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Tue Nov 01, 2011 7:52 pm

Quote :
A hand connected with Connor’s face and he was flung onto the bed.
Abia watched in open-mouthed confusion as it scrabbled for the window, levered it open, and disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Tue Nov 01, 2011 8:36 pm

Sutremaine wrote:
Quote :
A hand connected with Connor’s face and he was flung onto the bed.
Abia watched in open-mouthed confusion as it scrabbled for the window, levered it open, and disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.

Thing must have been having a bad day.
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Tue Nov 01, 2011 9:04 pm

So first, I was like scratch

Then I was like Rolling Eyes

Then you started up the Trauma Checklist, and I realized this may well be the greatest gay WHUMP! series I've ever seen.

Well played

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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Wed Nov 02, 2011 1:23 am

This? Is awesomely bad.

It has also reminded me of why I like snarks of original fiction. I can't really get into most fandom snarks because I don't know jackshit about the setting. This I can get into!
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Wed Nov 02, 2011 7:34 am

This brings me back to the old days, when snark meant something.

Keep up the good work grumbles.

Also, this is your first snark? I thought for sure I remember you doing a couple of fanfics on GAFF!
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Wed Nov 02, 2011 9:47 am

"Abia" is such a random name choice. I figured the author picked it because it meant something relevant, but it just means "God is my father." scratch I don't think characters' names always have to mean something since it's not like my name says much about me, but when a fairly uncommon name like that pops up in fiction, I will at least wonder about it.

Oh, I get it, it's a Hebrew name and this guy is rich. Trollface

Quote :
“I love your scent.” He breathed into Connor’s skin making the man shiver.

“What is it like?” Connor asked, hoping that Abia would continue to touch him.

Abia smiled and breathed him in again. “You smell like cinnamon and man.”


Last edited by Quijotesca on Wed Nov 02, 2011 9:32 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Wed Nov 02, 2011 10:51 am

It's a very distracting name. In Romanian, "Abia" mean "barely". I'm reading a story about Barely Williams.
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Maximilia
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Wed Nov 02, 2011 1:34 pm

Grumbles wrote:
That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week.

It's true! We didn't even get to the chip in the penis yet! Which is making me wonder... I bet Abia implanted the chip when ... I don't know... sometime... to prepare him for, uh, whoregaysex (??) later on in life after Abia killed his father and inherited the company.

I think I've been putting on my conspiracy hat too often lately.

Awesome job! Hopefully, I get enough words written today/tonight to start the last chapter of "Rain" and finish that up finally. I r inspired!
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Wed Nov 02, 2011 3:08 pm

Mr.Doobie wrote:
This brings me back to the old days, when snark meant something.

Keep up the good work grumbles.

Also, this is your first snark? I thought for sure I remember you doing a couple of fanfics on GAFF!

Ah, thank you, thank you. Blush I never snarked any fanfics, though- I know this because I have never read any fanfics (except legolas by laura, because that was over before I knew it). I never belonged at this board, I just managed to be loud and opinionated enough about other stuff so nobody ever noticed. Razz



So, next round, what say you?



Behold Chapter 3, in which they bicker and nothing really happens.


So it's still the day of the doctor's visit-come-surgery, Connor is asleep, they've been home for an hour and Abia has arranged for Connor to be homeschooled have a private tutor and for a therapist. Must be nice to be rich and important.
We get treated to some inner monologue in which Abia thinks about how speshul Connor is and how he really needs to know what's wrong with him, so he calls a "detective he had gone to school with" to look into the matter, because "there was no way he would risk loosing Connor now", except he shouldn't be thinking such things-

Quote :
The young man was here for one reason and one reason only. He was Abia’s toy, his pet to do what he pleased with. Yes, he wanted the young man to have the things he had been denied, but Abia expected his own form of payment.
Confused? Me too. Have a nice chat with the private investigator and decide afterwards that Connor is only a toy, now there's a good plan. SCHOOL AND DOCTOR AND DETECTIVE AND THERAPIST NEED TO BE SORTED WITHIN 24 HOURS, YO. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "RUSHED", I NEVER CHANGE MY MIND.


Quote :
But was sex the payment he was looking for? No, he couldn’t do it, not again. A relationship was out of the question.
I'm sorry, can you give some sort of hint if and when you change the topic? Is the relationship part a new train of thought or do you equate sex with love? I mean, you just called him your toy. Or maybe a relationship doesn't need love, in your mind... although I would call that fuck buddies, but hey.


Quote :
Abia knew what people were like when they knew money was involved. They became hungry pigs just looking for a way to cheat him out of his fortune. Connor may refuse Abia’s help now, but in a few weeks the man would become just like everyone else.
Spoiled on the good nature of Abia’s heart. He would demand more from him and expect the world to just bow at his feet. Then it would be to late, Abia would have already given his heart away and when he would be forced to throw Connor, out it would make him even more bitter.
Connor murmured softly shifting in his sleep. Abia watched the young man reposition himself, as some part of him prayed that the young man didn’t fall prey to the money game. Setting down the papers he had been looking at, Abia stood and moved to the bed. He bent down and lightly kissed Connor’s cheek.
Let's summarize:

"Connor is so special. He gets me hot and also makes me have new thoughts. I want to blow all sorts of money on him, I will never risk losing him, except he is only a toy and a pet (although I get mad when he says he's my whore), and he will turn out a greedy opportunist like everyone else, which will make me bitter even though I'm literally paying him to be here, and now I will go and watch him sleep."

Everybody got that? Good. I'm not adding it to the Drama Checklist because angsting like that is standard trade in yaoi and if any of you even so much as blinked an eye at this, you need to read more read less take to drinking.

So Abia touches the sleeping Connor a little bit, because if you've known each other for more than twelve hours you don't need to ask for consent -quick question, has anyone ever encountered pubic hair they would describe as "soft"? Especially on men?-, and somehow forms an opinion on the guy's equipment even though it's bandaged, you know, chip removal and ahahahaalllllllhrrrrrrr sorry.



Later, Connor wakes up and takes a shower, and we can only assume he takes his bandages off because Abia offers to re-do them, but unfortunately we don't get to see him yelp. Have you ever tried to peel a bandage off a previously bleeding wound, author? How about on a penis? Do you think penii bleed?
So there's a whole bunch of conversation I can't really tell you the point of because I'm not sure it has one, except for the part that Quijotesca quoted up there (and you know what smells like cinnamon and man? Connor's recently washed pubic hair. Yeah.) and then they bicker again. It's just that while bickering, they also talk.


Quote :
“Don’t lie to me, you hated it. I didn’t even get you to moan once.”

“I have not made a sound during sex in a long time.”

“But why not?”

“Sex for me is like doing anything else. It’s just a simple routine; I haven’t enjoyed sex for years. Only once did it ever make me happy.” Abia became very distant, as if he were remembering an old memory and Connor wondered if it was of that day. When they were at the party, when Abia used his mouth on him.
Aww...?


Let's use that for Cliché Bingo. "I once did _____ with my soulmate and never enjoyed it again with anyone else." Can someone make this into a catchy soundbite?



Then the therapist shows up and Connor is mad, of course he is, he's never happy. Hey, Connor, you might want to talk to someone abou- oh, wait.
So, did you guess it? they argue, and the therapist -as good therapists do- interferes and makes him even angrier, so he shoves Abia and storms off to live on the streets, except Abia says he won't let the guards let him out and asks him not to leave him. That's appealing, isn't it? YOU ARE MY CAPTIVE. DON'T LEAVE ME.

So obviously, Connor gets the hell out of dodge. Wait, I mean he goes back inside and talks to the therapist. And because we can't be in there, for the sake of suspense, we learn a bit more about Abia.

Quote :
He was still working on his master’s degree, all the while running a company he had never felt ready to take over. His father falling ill had been very unexpected and his death had been even more unexpected. He had been healthy one day, and dead the next.
BOOM POOF IT'S LIKE MAGIC. Neat-o.

Quote :
Abia swore something had to have happened to make him die so suddenly, but the doctors said that he had been sick for a long time and he just hid it well.
OMG I was just thinking there wasn't enough drama. Thank God.

A really pointless conversation with the therapist later, Abia goes down to his gym, and Connor finds him, and they apologize, and they decide to shower together in that really awkward, unsexy way of theirssszzzzzzzzz.



~~~

GAFF Memorial Award For Excessive Anthropomorphism
goes to... it's a tie, gentlefolk!

Quote :
His rosy pink nipples popped out, begging to be touched.

Quote :
The young man’s penis lay quietly between his legs
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Mr.Doobie
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Wed Nov 02, 2011 3:53 pm

Quote :
The young man’s penis lay quietly between his legs

As opposed to last night, when it got roaring drunk and danced around the room singing show tunes with a lampshade on its head.
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grmblfjx
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Thu Nov 03, 2011 8:24 am

Mr.Doobie wrote:
Quote :
The young man’s penis lay quietly between his legs
As opposed to last night, when it got roaring drunk and danced around the room singing show tunes with a lampshade on its head.
Yes, well, I always try not to move too much after a night like that. Colbert




Chapter Four, in which nothing happens again, picks up right where Three left off: on the way from gym to shower. This is going to be sexy, people!


Quote :
“Connor you really shouldn’t do this.” Abia squeaked, as the young man dropped to his knees in front of him.
“Why not? It is the reason I’m here and besides if I don’t practice I’ll never be good enough for you.” Connor nuzzled the warm skin on Abia’s thigh, making him shiver.
He has a point, Abia. Less than 24 hours ago, you picked a near-naked guy from a line-up and said SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL, except you weren't quite as romantic as all that. So what the hell?

Quote :
Abia opened his mouth to say something, but he could only gasp as Connor took the head of his member into his mouth. The heat of Connor’s mouth sent shivers up his spine, he had been practicing.
On who??? Say it with me, LESS THAN 24 HOURS. That they spent together.

Quote :
The fingers in his hair tightened when Connor took him deep in his throat, using other muscles to pleasure the head, while his tongue worked the shaft.
Connor took a firm hold of Abia’s hips, pressing them against the wall when Abia tried to thrust into him. He could feel Abia’s orgasm coming on and he took the man as deep as he could, locking his lips around the base of his member and sucking hard.
Okay, let me rephrase. HOW did you learn deepthroating IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS that you spent BICKERING???

...there's a bullshit explanation for this later, but I won't ruin it for ya.


Quote :
“Go to school, run a company, is there anything you don’t do?” Connor pulled on his shirt.

“I don’t fall in love.” The coldness in Abia’s voice startled Connor. Was Abia trying to tell him something, or was he just stating a fact? And why did his heart clench when Abia said it? It didn’t matter there was no way Connor was going to allow himself to fall in love with the man whose, only intention was to have sex with him.
No, sure you don't. I gotta ask, though; could you explain their deal a couple more times? Does he just want him for sex or something? I keep forgetting.


So they go shopping for clothes and school stuff, as businessmen with manwhores tend to do OH GOD THIS IS PRETTY WOMAN ISN'T IT but after what Abia just said they are pretty awkward, but then Abia scoots over to kiss him, but then Connor kisses him back and scares him away, but then Connor follows and gets all frisky and Abia shoots him down and they are back to "pretty awkward". Did I say it was going to get sexy? I meant painful.

What follows is 900 words of clothes shopping in which a whopping two notable things happen; one, Pretty Woman actually gets mentioned and two, Connor meets an old friend.

[crickets]


...okay, no notable things happen. I'm actually starting to miss the drama. :/


[1500 words of shoe shopping later] ...okay, okay, you win! I take it all back, just let something happen, anything, pretty please?


Quote :
The cashier placed the shoeboxes in a large bag. He grabbed the receipt, scribbling something down, he handed it directly to Abia. “If you and your boyfriend don’t work out, give me a call.”
Abia stared at the young man in shock as Connor tried to stifle a laugh. Grabbing the bag, Connor wrapped his arm around Abia’s waist and kissed the young man’s cheek. “Sorry but you’re not his type at all.”
(...)
“I don’t care that he gave me his number, I understand that it didn’t mean anything. Why did you go along with it?” Abia turned to stared into Connor’s green eyes.

“Because it seemed like a really bad idea to tell him that I wasn’t your boyfriend or to tell him that I am in fact, your sex toy that you bought.” Connor huffed.

“You could have just said nothing.” Abia snapped.

“Fine next time I wont say anything at all.” Connor pulled away crossing his arms over his chest.
...bickering does not count as 'something'.



~~~

GAFF Memorial Award for Narcissism
goes to:

Quote :
Abia took a deep breath and looked out the window. He was tired of all those people staring at him and they still had more places to go, and there would probably be more people to stare.
Two guys buying shoes: has me staring every time. EVERY TIME.
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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Thu Nov 03, 2011 9:36 am

No one will be seated during the intense shoe purchasing scene.

Quote :
Quote :
Abia opened his mouth to say something, but he could only gasp as Connor took the head of his member into his mouth. The heat of Connor’s mouth sent shivers up his spine, he had been practicing.
On who??? Say it with me, LESS THAN 24 HOURS. That they spent together.
Connor stayed up all night shoving his fingers down his throat, obvs.
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Sutremaine
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Thu Nov 03, 2011 11:26 am

~Unofficial Drama Checklist~

Connor stays up all night making himself puke from self-loathing and figures that he might as well get some sex toy practice in. Abia, realising this, is all 'omg the things you do for me :3' instead of 'wtf there's no need to do that :o'.

...This isn't what actually happens, is it?
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grmblfjx
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Thu Nov 03, 2011 11:56 am

Sutremaine wrote:
...This isn't what actually happens, is it?
I wish.



In retrospect, something else that that struck me as stupid was this little story arc:

Quote :
all you wear are those suits or clothes that make you look years older.” Connor frowned when Abia still refused to look at him.

“I dress in business attire because I never know when I might see a client.” Abia responded, pulling a pair of black jeans off the rack.
(...)
Abia’s face burned red as he stared at the phone number scribbled at the bottom of the receipt. No one had ever been so bold before and he wasn’t sure how to handle it.

“You should be flattered.” Connor said, as if he had read the young man’s thoughts. “See what a change of clothes does for you. You have men and women fawning over you.”
Because who would fawn over this?!
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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Thu Nov 03, 2011 12:09 pm

Yeeeeah... I mean, I suppose you are more likey to get digets if you look less like you are rushing off to an important meeting at all times, but the implication that suits are less sexy than sneakers and Ts is head-scratching.
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Rabid Badger
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Thu Nov 03, 2011 11:06 pm

Quote :
Because who would fawn over this?!
I'm going to guess the author never saw Ianto Jones on Torchwood, did they?

(adds url to stash of eye candy)
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Quijotesca
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Fri Nov 04, 2011 9:00 am

grmblfjx wrote:
(and you know what smells like cinnamon and man? Connor's recently washed pubic hair. Yeah.)

I was just skimming the thing in between working on other stuff so I missed that detail. I thought that passage couldn't get any worse. Upset

Did some more skimming and made a name list. These names are floating around the likes of "Connor," "Cole," and "Ryan."

  • Abia
  • Fane
  • Romeo
  • Stacia
  • Madalyn


And now a couple of really random excerpts.
Quote :
Connor woke feeling sick; he just barely made it to the bathroom before he threw up. Lucky for him, his stomach was empty. Brushing his teeth, he decided a shower would be good too. Once he was clean, he went in search of Abia, hoping that he was still willing to let Connor live with him.
Connor forgets who he is sometimes. Connor is sorry.

Quote :
“Fuck the contract Connor.”
And Connor fucked the contract. It was amazing!
THE END

Actually, I read a bit past that but I couldn't make it without grmblfjx's checklist, so I think that means I'll be leaving this story alone for now.
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Mouse
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Fri Nov 04, 2011 7:53 pm

Quote :
Connor woke feeling sick; he just barely made it to the bathroom before he threw up. Lucky for him, his stomach was empty. Brushing his teeth, he decided a shower would be good too. Once he was clean, he went in search of Abia, hoping that he was still willing to let Connor live with him.

My MPreg sense is tingling...but I'm too scared to look.
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Quijotesca
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Fri Nov 04, 2011 8:10 pm

I'm pretty sure mpreg's one thing you don't have to worry about in this story, not that I've skimmed much of it.
Spoiler:
 
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Exodia's Right Leg
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PostSubject: Re: Only A Job   Mon Nov 07, 2011 5:05 am

Quijotesca wrote:

Oh, I get it, it's a Hebrew name and this guy is rich. Trollface
Oh gnoes! Not the jooooooooooooz!
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