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 Prison Island Break

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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Prison Island Break   Tue Jul 12, 2011 7:37 am

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Going out on a limb here because normally when I post my work people get on me like rabid dogs, but I would like some constructive criticism on this story because I'd like to hope I've gotten better...

It's the Sonic the Hedgehog cast, with an Alternate Universe setting based loosely - VERY VERY LOOSELY - around the premise of Prison Break. By this I mean it's got a lot of things in common but I've never actually seen Prison Break; I just know the basics of it. And when I say 'Sonic cast' I mean the characters from at least three continuities. But still remaining as true as possible to their personalities even if they are in prison, slowly having their hearts sucked dry.

Just remember it's not an adaptation of Prison Break; it's just based on it loosely; there's no tattoo maps and people aren't breaking in to get somebody else out because frankly the death penalty doesn't exist because the prisoners wouldn't get away with all the shit they had done if there was one...

I wrote this story originally to have the Sonic cast as prisoners in an AU where they're either prisoners or employees in a prison. A vast number of characters. It was, I think, pretty mediocre. And not realistic enough to the prison system because I was younger. And it didn't have enough rape. So this is a rewrite, with more detail, more rape, more consensual sex, more savage beatings - Silver's gonna get lots of them - and generally more corruption in general.

*puts neck out* And I'd quite like feedback.

You're free to hate it, but if you hate it at least give a viable reason why, and if you think it's bad at least give Constructive Criticism rather than screaming, "THIS SUCKS!". Because it's an old shame, with me attempting to improve it with a different friend to the last co-writer.

Try to be honest and reasonable at the same time, okay? I know it's hard, but TRY?
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Chris91
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Wed Jul 13, 2011 4:22 pm

Harley, in the name of everything good in the world, I urge you to pull the plug on this story concept now and forever; the last person who tried to cross Sonic over with another fandom was a certain Ruckersville, Virginia resident, [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.].
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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Wed Jul 13, 2011 6:31 pm

That was different.

He sucked at drawing as well as writing.

This isn't even a crossover, anyway, just something vaguely based on something else and something else I haven't seen at that. It's just got a few things in common with Prison Break, it's not an adaptation OR a crossover. If the only reason you can give me to stop writing it is "Crossovers suck", I'm gonna keep writing.
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Chris91
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Thu Jul 14, 2011 6:52 am

Trust me, Harley, Shakespeare on his best day couldn't make this idea work. Writing a good Sonic crossover fic is like building a perpetual motion machine: it just can't be done. If you were trying to blend Prison Break with some other fandom you might have a shot at pulling this off. But Sonic? I can guarantee you're setting yourself up for disaster.

Crossovers in general? Tricky, but doable in the right hands. Sonic crossovers? Forget it.
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Thu Jul 14, 2011 10:30 am

Chris91 wrote:
cross Sonic over with another fandom

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:
This isn't even a crossover, anyway

Chris91 wrote:
Writing a good Sonic crossover fic

If you were trying to blend Prison Break with some other fandom

Crossovers in general?

Sonic crossovers?


...I'm not going to read your story because I don't actually know Sonic the Hedgehog beyond being able to identify the two hedgehogs in a line-up. I can give you a piece of advice anyway; don't listen to Chris, because he's obviously not listening to you.
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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Thu Jul 14, 2011 12:55 pm

Quote :
don't listen to Chris, because he's obviously not listening to you.

Thanks, Grumbles. I'd kind of noticed that. A crossover would imply that not only did my story have Sonic characters, but it would also have Prison Break characters. It doesn't have ANY Prison Break characters.

It's not even an adaptation. An adaptation would suggest that the exact story of Prison Break would be retold with Sonic characters. It's not the exact story, because I haven't ever seen the series Prison Break, I only know the premise, and none of the characters become expys.

What it has in common, is a prison, the Sonic characters as inmates and employees, a mob boss, a riot later on, and an escape. Frankly, that's pretty damn loose in any case.

Obviously Chris hasn't even read the story, let alone my posts reminding him that it's not a crossover.
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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Fri Jul 15, 2011 6:11 am

1+? Surely the fic isn't as bad as all that?

See, this is why I never advertise here. I think Chris has trashed my work before without even reading it.
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Chris91
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Fri Jul 15, 2011 1:09 pm

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:
1+? Surely the fic isn't as bad as all that?

See, this is why I never advertise here. I think Chris has trashed my work before without even reading it.

You think wrong. I've never given your fics any kind of rating, 1+ or otherwise.
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Fri Jul 15, 2011 2:46 pm

Oh...

My apologies then, Chris.
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Fri Jul 15, 2011 3:35 pm

What an odd premise.

Aside from that, I don't really know much about Sonic, but the writing is alright I suppose. Though I do find stuff like this a little redundant:

Quote :
and in a prison on an island miles from anywhere that housed the most dangerous criminals on the planet

Quote :
This was a prison for the most dangerous of prisoners

No need to tell us twice, and from your talk about violence I assume you'll try to prove it by showing it later anyway.
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Sat Jul 16, 2011 7:43 am

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:
Oh...

My apologies then, Chris.

And my apologies to you for jumping to conclusions about "Prison Island Break".
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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Wed Sep 07, 2011 5:55 am

Admittedly I discussed this with my co-author and he figured Sonic losing a finger was a pretty good idea. It's got jack shit to do with the reason Mike lost a couple of toes in the series though. But it's also not just for the hell of it. There's not only a reason but a point to it.

And I agree, lots of Sonic crossovers are really crap (except those done for comedy reasons) because the world of Sonic is so radically different from any series taking place on Earth, that it just doesn't mesh well with human characters.

Take Sonic X, where Sonic the Hedgehog was crossed with Saved By The Bell or something.
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4shadowedice4
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:36 am

(I'm only giving you my thoughts on the first chapter, sorry)

Overall, your writing is good Harley. The premise can be a bit... odd but if you focus on the basic writing (spelling, punctuation, etc.) area then you're a great writer.

With your descriptions I was able to paint a vivid mental image (I rely heavily on mental images when reading something) which made me disregard the premise and simply concentrate on the actual writing. Really Harley, your prose is well-done and it flows easily.

The dialogue seemed a bit stunted but that may just be my view of things. Every reader is different after all.

You should cut back on the commas though. In one paragraph alone I saw six of them which can become bad for a story instead of good. I've seen some writers begin to rely too heavily on commas to break up the flow of their story and it didn't end in a nice way. Commas are the easy way out, if you really like them try cutting to a max of four or five instead. By giving yourself a limit instead of just free reign with them you'll find that it actually sounds better with actual words filling in the space where the comma used to be.

I'm not saying they're a bad thing but over using them can wreck things, continue to use commas but limit yourself.

I can't really tell you what I think about the characterization since I have little knowledge about the Sonic fandom. I hope this is the type of review you were going for when you posted the link.

Good luck with your story.
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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Sat Sep 24, 2011 8:57 am

Thanks, 4shadow. Not just for thinking mine and my co-author's writing is good, but also for leaving a decent review. It's better than most of the reviews I get on FF.net, which involve a lot of gushing about "COOL!" and "When's Silver gonna get raped already?"

It's just like I said, we'll rape him when we rape him! If we do it too early it spoils EVERYTHING!What's wrong with him keeping his dignity for a few more chapters?

Also, Sonic's probably not gonna lose a finger after all. It doesn't fit in well. Yeah, it's a great idea but I don't do things for the sake of them, and neither does my co-author. And it's a shame because we both liked that idea.

But hey, we all make sacrifices for the story - I lost out on the idea that Scourge would burn his ropes off just because they couldn't have a fire in the jungle because it would give away their position.
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Harley Quinn hyenaholic
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PostSubject: Re: Prison Island Break   Mon Feb 10, 2014 8:53 pm

I know it's been a while and this is kind of a Bump...

Special News on the western front! Turned out my co-author was an asshole who treated me like shit. And not even regular shit, like you guys treat me. He was treating me like the kind of shit you wipe your arse with

Also, he was a shitty, ideas-stealing writer whose majority of ideas came from ripping off the ACTUAL Prison Break, which is supposed to have the same sort of resemblance to this story as porn does to actual sex.

He wanted Sonic to have that mental thing that the guy in Prison Break had. Y'know, to make him a genius. Because he couldn't stand the idea that he was just turning Sonic into a dickwad by dint of him being one; he had to rip off Prison Break for a reason too.

And there's other reasons he was an asshole but what the hell.

So now I'm continuing writing the story ALONE.

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