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FreakEgg
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PostSubject: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 1:44 am

So I found this a while ago, and I think WGW could use some more laughs and facepalms. This perticular story had me laughing and asking "what the fuck am I reading" so much, I think it honestly earned a good snarking. All 20 fucked up chapters can be found here

Let us begin the wat-fest! To start off, Draco and Lucius are having an arguement. Draco doesn't wanna be a Death Eater, and this makes Lucius a saaaad panda. He uses the Cruciatus curse on Draco (because y'know, Lucius would do that to his own son) and Draco gets pissed and finds a spell to get back at him



Quote :
Draco's first step was to create an island. The spell said to picture an island and say "create island" in Italian. He closed his eyes and brought a picture to his mind of an island, with fresh drinking water, trees for shade and the name "Malfoy Island."

He stood with the picture still in his mind and slowly spoke, "Generi l'isola" in a loud, clear voice. Suddenly, a miniature island appeared in front of him. He checked it over. Nice size, fresh water available.

Good.

Since when are spells improper Italian? Or is it just this ONE? Also, this author has no clue what a paragraph looks like.


Quote :
He raised his wand. "Generi la casa," he said again in a strong voice. A house appeared on the island, next to the fresh drinking water.

Oh, okay. All the spells are now in Italian. FUCK THAT LATIN SHIT.


Quote :
Once inside, Draco took Lucius' wand the moved to stand at the end of his father's bed. He raised his wand and very clearly shouted, "Trasmetta all'isola di Malfoy!"

Italian.
Anyways, Lucius is now on the island. He gets hungry, and quickly learns that Draco has forced him to live as a muggle on the island. So he goes to the stove. Lucius, being retarded now, burns himself


Quote :
Deciding the stove was more evil then a death eater, he turned the knob he knew to be safe, and grabbed the butter and bread.

Stoves, man. They're like a new-age Dahmer.
Cut to Hogwarts now, and Hermione is patrolling the halls. Draco feels the sudden need to rape someone he doesn't even like.


Quote :
Draco shoved her against a wall the second she was in the room.

"What the hell are you doing, you stupid prick?" she yelled.

Draco smirked, slamming his lips to hers while pressing his body tightly against her. He pulled back, and with another smirk said, "I'm taking what Potty and the Weasel were too stupid to go for."

As we can all clearly see, Hermione is in total character.
So Hermione then kicks him in the dick, and he sends her to the island. Lucius figures out that his son probably tried to rape her, then explains to her where they are, and that he's not going to hurt her. Then he asks how to work a stove.

Quote :

"Miss Granger, I have a serious question for you."

She shifted in her seat to look at him. "Ask away," she said.

"Do you know how to use Evil Voldie, I mean the stove?"


Quote :
The next morning Lucius woke up starving, but with a smile on his face. The little Mudblood that should be weak and good for nothing was going to Tango with Evil Voldie, give him warm food, and also teach him some basics of the use of muggle contraptions.

He was giddy, yes I said it. LUCIUS WAS GIDDY.

For fucks sake. This chick thinks shes funny.

Quote :
Hermione walked into the kitchen to see the great Lucius Malfoy wearing a pink apron.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHA. Dry

Now, this is going on for a while, so Ill skip ahead to something really face-palm worthy.


Quote :

"I'm 18 and still a virgin, your

son tried helping me with that and when I refused, I was sent here. I like older men and refuse my first

time be with some unexperienced boy. Basically if we allow things to progress, I want you to treat me

with respect afterwards and also... teach me how to do things to pleasure a man." it was now

Lucius's turn to drop jaw, "Hermione, I would take great pleasure in being your first and I will also

teach you the things you desire to learn, shall we come to that."

Yep. Hermione wants to learn how to be with a real man, and shes picked Lucius Malfoy as a teacher. Well, what else are you going to do on a deserted island, I guess. Also, the fuck at her being 18 and still at Hogwarts? Sense. This makes none.


Quote :
"So Severus, what did you do to have my son send you here" Lucius said with a smile.

"I was taking Hermione's truck to Dumbledore so he could search it for clues to her where abouts,

Her truck??


Quote :
Lucius was watching for her

to leave the house, satisfied, he scooted closer to Severus. "Hermione is a virgin and wants to lose it to

an experienced man, she also wants me to teach her on pleasing men." Severus thought for a minute,

"She's...cute, but she is also my student, so I'm going to keep my opinions out of it."

Trollface

Quote :

Hermione was ready, but wanted it to be

special and Lucius seemed to understand as he slowly moved from between her legs and lay down

beside her. Both unaware that Severus had started toward to the lagoon but stopped upon seeing his

new room mates enjoying themselves, and even he couldn't help but think of what she would feel like,

young, smart and by the look of her skin, extremely soft.

Seriously, I can't even think of anything to say. It's all too ridiculously funny already.
Now, if you're going to read anything, read all of chapter 6. Because I'm laughing so fucking hard at the Hermione/Lucius sex scene. And that's all it is.



Quote :

She opened the door and started to walk

in when she suddenly stopped in surprise. There right in front of her was Severus Snape, naked as the

day he was born.

"OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY" She quickly turned around and walked out the door, shutting it

quickly behind her. Severus was smiling, he did notice Hermione look his body over quickly before

she snapped out of it and apologized. He stepped in the shower "At least she knows I've got enough

equipment to do the job."

PFFFFT AHAHAHAHAHAHA. WHAT???


Quote :

Severus walked into the kitchen a few minutes later, closely followed by Lucius. "Smells good

Hermione" Lucius said in a I cant wait to eat voice.

What does that even sound like?



Quote :

"You know Severus, she wants to learn from an experienced man, but It may be helpful to her if she

can have the experience of the two of us. We both have different styles and she would benefit from

having more then one partner."

Is it just me, or do they sound like really proper, British frat boys?

So then they all talk and agree that Snape and Lucius both having sex with Hermione would be a good idea. Snape and Hermione have a bit of a fling, with no sex yet, and Hermione has a sad. So then she goes to some lagoon they have. Snape stalks her there, and then they start fucking.

Now, this is getting fairly long, so I'm gonna skip a TON. I'll sort of explain what happens.
Hermione gets pregnant with twins. Lucius and Snape both want them to be theirs. They finally get off the island and go to a Doctor. Then THIS happens:


Quote :
"Well Mr. Malfoy, the first baby is in fact yours, but the second is not."

The healer wiped the blood off the end of the wand and touched it to the bloody finger Severus was holding out. When he repeated the process with the second baby. The screen turned pink, then red.

"Mr. Snape, you are the father of the second baby." Severus and Lucius were dumb struck. "How is that possible and what were the difference in colors for?' Lucius asked.

"It is possible, its a rare condition called Super foetation." both men looked at each other, then to Hermione who was smiling. The healed looked back to the men, "Mr. Malfoys baby is a week older then Mr. Snapes. This happens when the woman becomes pregnant, but continues to ovulate, making it possible for two different men to be the fathers." The healer stopped to make sure both men understood. "The difference in screen color is simple, Mr. Malfoy, you should expect a son, Mr. Snape, you have a daughter on the way." Severus and Lucius were both overly happy, both got what they wanted, altho Severus was already thinking of ways to kill future boyfriends. Hermione was happy because now, she didn't need to choose between the pair, and the healer walked away wishing he would be the next one sent to the Island with a young witch and nothing else to do.

Colbert Logic.

Hermione runs into Ron and Harry, and explains that she loves Snape and Lucius, and is pregnant from one of them. They rage, understandably. Snape punches Harry in the face. Ron and Harry disown Hermione, understandably. Snape, Lucius and Hermione decide to have a threeway marriage. Harry, Ron and Hermione make up, but not before this:


Quote :
"You know Hermione – You really are sick." they turned to see Ron standing there.

"Ron, will you just go away – I have no need for you in my life any longer."

"You just don't get it do you?" his voice filled with anger "Snape has been cruel to you for years – Malfoy has done things that someone like you should want nothing to do with – and yet...Your sleeping with them – it's wrong."

Ron is the only person in this entire fucking story to make any goddamn sense.

Quote :
The minister smiled brightly at the trio, "I would like to now introduce, Mrs. Hermione Malfoy Snape"


Now, I hate baby stories. Babies ruin everything. But whats even worse is birth scenes. How can anyone find something so disgusting 'romantic' or 'cute'? And this story is no exception, because not only does she have one baby. She has TWINS. It hurts my life.
But the entire story is just so ridiculous, so... retarded. Not to mention, using poor Hermione as a self-insert. Using a Mary-Sue would have been less horrible.
WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE NOT THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?


Last edited by FreakEgg on Sun Sep 05, 2010 11:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:32 am

Quote :
Not to mention, using poor Hermione as a self-insert. Using a Mary-Sue would have been less horrible.

Agreed. Mary Sues are pretty terrible, but at least they're fun to giggle at. The maiming of a canon character is just sad. No

Nice snark, by the way.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 6:05 pm

It's not impossible (just extremely rare) that a woman can have twins by different fathers.

This woman, and these fathers? Not a chance in Hell.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 6:08 pm

EileenK98 wrote:
It's not impossible (just extremely rare) that a woman can have twins by different fathers.

This woman, and these fathers? Not a chance in Hell.

Huh. Well, guess I learned something new.
Thank god it only happens to slutty chicks.... and Hermione, apparently.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 7:15 pm

What really had me rolling was the list of chapter titles.

Quote :
1. The island
2. Evil Voldie and Miss Granger
3. Evil voldie’s defeat
4. AN
5. guess who’s coming
6. let the lessons begin
7. omg,omg,omg
8. Severus in a wig?
9. the lagoon and the burning bathing suits
10. we screwed up
11. Draco’s shock
12. You are the father
13. the telling of Harry and Ron
14. Ron’s an ass
15. making up and wedding dresses
16. wedding
17. Chapter 17
18. Chapter 18
19. Chapter 19
20. Chapter 20

Oh the lulz.

By the way, this is Chapter 20:

Quote :
A/N: A reader suggested I post this to tell everyone that I have started the sequel for Malfoy island. The new story is called Return to Malfoy island. thanks


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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:37 pm

littledorrit wrote:
What really had me rolling was the list of chapter titles.

Quote :
1. The island
2. Evil Voldie and Miss Granger
3. Evil voldie’s defeat
4. AN
5. guess who’s coming
6. let the lessons begin
7. omg,omg,omg
8. Severus in a wig?
9. the lagoon and the burning bathing suits
10. we screwed up
11. Draco’s shock
12. You are the father
13. the telling of Harry and Ron
14. Ron’s an ass
15. making up and wedding dresses
16. wedding
17. Chapter 17
18. Chapter 18
19. Chapter 19
20. Chapter 20

Oh the lulz.

By the way, this is Chapter 20:

Quote :
A/N: A reader suggested I post this to tell everyone that I have started the sequel for Malfoy island. The new story is called Return to Malfoy island. thanks



"You are the father" convinces me this girl got her inspiration from watching Maury Povich.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:15 pm

FreakEgg wrote:
Thank god it only happens to slutty chicks.... and Hermione, apparently.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:17 pm

XLT-100852.0 wrote:
FreakEgg wrote:
Thank god it only happens to slutty chicks.... and Hermione, apparently.

Well... who else has sex with two dudes within a small amount of time to have twins from different fathers? Even the girl in that article said she was cheating.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:20 pm

FreakEgg wrote:

Well... who else has sex with two dudes within a small amount of time to have twins from different fathers?
That's totally true, women who have multiple sexual partners are shameless harlots. Let's throw rocks at them.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:25 pm

XLT-100852.0 wrote:
FreakEgg wrote:

Well... who else has sex with two dudes within a small amount of time to have twins from different fathers?
That's totally true, women who have multiple sexual partners are shameless harlots. Let's throw rocks at them.

Wow. Didn't mean to start a whole argument over something that's a matter of opinion.
I'm all for girls being sluts, or having multiple partners. Hell, screw 5 different guys in one day for all I care, it doesn't effect me in the least bit. So I don't see why you would jump to the conclusion that I'd want to start throwing rocks. Send them over to my bed if they're ever so inclined. :D
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:30 pm

FreakEgg wrote:
Wow. Didn't mean to start a whole argument over something that's a matter of opinion.
I'm all for girls being sluts, or having multiple partners. Hell, screw 5 different guys in one day for all I care, it doesn't effect me in the least bit. So I don't see why you would jump to the conclusion that I'd want to start throwing rocks. Send them over to my bed if they're ever so inclined. :D
Yes, that totally makes up for your blatantly misogynistic statement. Even more so, when you continue to use the word "slut".

Bonus points for the old "it's my opinion" fall-back.


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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:31 pm

XLT-100852.0 wrote:
FreakEgg wrote:
Wow. Didn't mean to start a whole argument over something that's a matter of opinion.
I'm all for girls being sluts, or having multiple partners. Hell, screw 5 different guys in one day for all I care, it doesn't effect me in the least bit. So I don't see why you would jump to the conclusion that I'd want to start throwing rocks. Send them over to my bed if they're ever so inclined. :D
Yes, that totally makes up for your blatantly misogynistic statement. Even more so, when you continue to use the word "slut".

you're a feminist, aren't you?
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:33 pm

FreakEgg wrote:
you're a feminist, aren't you?
What if I am? Does treating women like equals bother you?
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:34 pm

XLT-100852.0 wrote:
FreakEgg wrote:
you're a feminist, aren't you?
What if I am? Does treating women like equals bother you?

Nope, since I AM in fact a woman, and I very much like being treated equal. I'm just not gonna get all uppity if someone calls me a name.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:36 pm

FreakEgg wrote:
Nope, since I AM in fact a woman, and I very much like being treated equal. I'm just not gonna get all uppity if someone calls me a name.
Words have meaning, booboo, which is why calling black people the n-word is not acceptable in polite society.

Edit: Being a women doesn't mean you cannot be sexist.


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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:38 pm

XLT-100852.0 wrote:
FreakEgg wrote:
Nope, since I AM in fact a woman, and I very much like being treated equal. I'm just not gonna get all uppity if someone calls me a name.
Words have meaning, booboo, which is why calling black people the n-word is not acceptable in polite society.

Look. I'm gonna end this here. Obviously we both have different opinions on how offensive the word 'slut' is, so... whatever. Agree to disagree.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:39 pm

FreakEgg wrote:
Look. I'm gonna end this here. Obviously we both have different opinions on how offensive the word 'slut' is, so... whatever. Agree to disagree.
Oh yes, the great debate over how not to be an offensive asshole has come to an end.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:40 pm

A peaceful resolution with the perpetually offended? Good luck.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:45 pm

Penguin wrote:
A peaceful resolution with the perpetually offended? Good luck.
MTE It's so hard not being an asshole. I hate it when people tell me that things I says have weight and meaning. I mean come on, it's my opinion and therefor never wrong.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:50 pm

XLT-100852.0 wrote:
Penguin wrote:
A peaceful resolution with the perpetually offended? Good luck.
MTE It's so hard not being an asshole. I hate it when people tell me that things I says have weight and meaning. I mean come on, it's my opinion and therefor never wrong.

What is your problem? Move on with your life now, its over.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:53 pm

FreakEgg wrote:
What is your problem? Move on with your life now, its over.
You know, it's so much easier to apologize. I don't know something along the lines of "I am sorry, I didn't think about what I was writing. It was not my intention to offend, and it will not happen again." But you can continue to ignore everything, repeat your mantra of "ITZ MAH OPUNON" and never learn anything.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 11:00 pm

XLT-100852.0 wrote:
FreakEgg wrote:
What is your problem? Move on with your life now, its over.
You know, it's so much easier to apologize. I don't know something along the lines of "I am sorry, I didn't think about what I was writing. It was not my intention to offend, and it will not happen again." But you can continue to ignore everything, repeat your mantra of "ITZ MAH OPUNON" and never learn anything.

Fine, I wont say "Its my opinion". To be quite honest, I don't CARE that I offended you. Now, I can see you have quite a few posts, and so, you must have been on this internet thing for a while now. Surely there are many more things to offend you, than MY use of the word 'slut'. Please, just take it as it is, there are no winners here, so just move on with your life. Leave the thread. It's as simple as that.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 11:02 pm

FreakEgg wrote:
Fine, I wont say "Its my opinion". To be quite honest, I don't CARE that I offended you. Now, I can see you have quite a few posts, and so, you must have been on this internet thing for a while now. Surely there are many more things to offend you, than MY use of the word 'slut'. Please, just take it as it is, there are no winners here, so just move on with your life. Leave the thread. It's as simple as that.
This comment is so edgy, I shaved my beard on it.

Seriously, you are acting like a 3 year old that just got told they can't have a pop-stickle before dinner, and it's that's sad. Read this article and gets some learnings.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 11:12 pm

XLT-100852.0 wrote:
FreakEgg wrote:
Fine, I wont say "Its my opinion". To be quite honest, I don't CARE that I offended you. Now, I can see you have quite a few posts, and so, you must have been on this internet thing for a while now. Surely there are many more things to offend you, than MY use of the word 'slut'. Please, just take it as it is, there are no winners here, so just move on with your life. Leave the thread. It's as simple as that.
This comment is so edgy, I shaved my beard on it.

Seriously, you are acting like a 3 year old that just got told they can't have a pop-stickle before dinner, and it's that's sad. Read this article and gets some learnings.

okay, seriously? I already tried to end this. I tried to be nice. I've told you the honest truth. I'm not going to just turn a new leaf and change my mind on something because some person on the internet was offended.
I'm asking you again, nicely, just give up, go away, find someone else to dump all your feminist opinions on. I do not care in the least bit.
I'm not replying after this, so, you can keep whining, but really, its getting you nowhere.
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PostSubject: Re: Malfoy Island   Sun Sep 05, 2010 11:17 pm

FreakEgg wrote:
okay, seriously? I already tried to end this. I tried to be nice. I've told you the honest truth. I'm not going to just turn a new leaf and change my mind on something because some person on the internet was offended.
I'm asking you again, nicely, just give up, go away, find someone else to dump all your feminist opinions on. I do not care in the least bit.
I'm not replying after this, so, you can keep whining, but really, its getting you nowhere.
You are so adorably stupid and ignorant. You are going to go so far on this forum with your edgy anti-feminist attitude. You will get eaten alive (by Cyberwolf) and no one here will be sorry for you.
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