Children, Minds, and Torchwood

Hello again...I was bored and looking for a torchwood fic to snark. This one doesn't really go anywhere, but the Mary-Sue is Jack's sister! Anyways, I didn't feel like letting this one get by unscathed, so here we go.

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"Wait, please go back." Jack waved his hands in front of his face. trying to make since of what was going on.

Don't worry Jack, it's not going to make sense. And waving your hands in front of your face will definitely not help.

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Though he had to say, she did look a bit like him. Same eyes. But that's it. I mean here dark purple hair and pale skin didn't look anything like his. She was also why younger then him. Then again a lot of people were way younger then him.

Wow... they both have blue eyes. That's rare.

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"Okay, Start from the begging, Please don't miss anything this time." He Sighed sitting back in his chair. She sighed and leaned on his desk.

Yes, start from the begging. That's not creepy at all.

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"Jack, I am your sister. Little Sister. Smaller then Gray. When though things attacked are city, I was sent far away to live with are Grandmother. When she heard what happened she would not let me return to you and mother. In fact she whipped your memorizes of ever knowing me.

Oh, perfectly clear now. Also whipping the memories out of someone sound awfully painful.

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"And then one day I could hear voices in the silents. Every Where. All around me. I could read peoples mind jack. Hear there thoughts. Not only that but when i was fourteen i told my teacher to let the class go early and she did. I can control people."

Damn. The power to control people's minds and the best application you can come up with is getting out of school early?

Quote :

"Then Torchwood found me. When I was 16. Froze me. and for some reason I wake up today."

Right, wait, back up. Mini-rant time. Jack was born in the 51st century. That's 3000 years from where he is now. You were sent to live with this evil grandmother of yours and she did experiments on you. Did these experiments send you back in time? And Torchwood found and froze you and now you randomly wake up?
Oh the confusion.

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"I still don't believe you..." He eyed her.

Good Jack! Don't trust the Sue, it's a trap!

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"So what do i have to do to join this team of yours?"
"Um, You can help Ianto make coffee?" Jack smiled up at her. The smile Melted off her face as she glared at him.

New Torchwood initiation programme. Help Ianto make coffee. If he doesn't shoot you in the face due to frustration, you pass!

Quote :

"Owen, Gwen, Tosh, Ianto!" Jack yelled stepping out of his office, one hand on her back. "This is my sister Jaxx, and the newest person on the team." He smiled down at Jaxx.

Get it? It's like Jack, but with an x.

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"Ello everyone. My name is Nova-" She was about to go on but Jack stopped her, and spun her around. He looked her in the eye not blinking.
"You just gave away your real name!" He whispered intensly. Jaxx thought for and moment and then spun back around to face the team. They all looked super confused.
"My name is Jaxx. And yes I did just give out my real name. If you tell anyone that I will wipe your memorize and the person you told memorize. And it will be pain full. So for the sake of are friendship just call me Jaxx." She said trying to cover up her mistake with a quick smile. Jack rolled his eyes and did a face-Palm.

Wow... I get why Jack doesn't tell anyone his real name, but why is it bad for them to know his sister's name? And how did she know to call him Jack if the last time she saw him was when she was six and she's been frozen for years?

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"Nice to know Jack has some living family out there. But I have to ask, you only look 16. how old are you?" Gwen asked studying the girl fetchers. Jaxx's eyes light up with a spark of happiness.

Are none of them as confused as I am?

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"I am only a few years younger then Jack. But then again I was frozen for along time." Jaxx smiled deep in thought. Then her smile faded and her eyes went all foggy. But only for a second. Then she snapped out of it.

Lovely.

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"Did I blank out again?" Jaxx shook her head, and looked around. "I am fine. That happens all the time, when i read minds or try and control people I have never read before... By the way Jack that's gross! Owen just kiss Tosh already shes thinking it to. Ianto why? Gwen who's rice?"

Well, she's friendly. And wouldn't Gwen pronounce Rhys' name correctly in her own head. Cos it sounds nothing like "rice".

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"Ew, Owen that's called pedophile!" She yelled. Jacks face grow cold as he looked over at Owen. He slinked away into the corner. Jack walked down the few stairs and grabbed Owen and pulled him into his office.
"we is going to have a little Talk." Jack warned then as he closed the door behind him.

Narsty.

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"He was not thinking anything was he?" Asked Tosh suddenly standing up right and no longer laughing.
"Well, he was but not about me." Jaxx laughed. Tosh's face turned bright red, as Gwen and Ianto laughed harder. Gwen put a hand on Jaxx's shoulder as the two of them laughed.
"Your going to fit in here just fine!" Ianto said walking over with some papers in his hand.

Ahh, Owen-bashing, what fun.

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"Oh your pretty!" She giggled with out thinking. "Whoops I said that out loud..." Jaxx looked over at Gwen who was trying to calm Tosh down. Ianto shifted his wait and opened his mouth to say something, But Jaxx cut him off. "How about we go out to a movie some time. I'll buy popcorn if you get the-"
"My Ianto!" Yelled Jack as he stepped out of his office. He jumped over the railing and glared down at her. "Sorry Sista I was here first." Jack smiled looking at Ianto, who's face was bright red.

And why would this not be paedophilia? And I'm afraid I could never see Jack saying that.

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"So What are we going to have you do? I have a Computer freak,Coffee boy-"
"Eye Candy" Jaxx corrected him. Jack rolled his eyes and continued.

How she know John called him Eye Candy? She was FROZEN, remember! And that's not a very nice way to refer to Tosh...

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"Doctor-"
"Pedophile"
"and Police Woman." He thought for a moment. "You good with Guns?"
"I love guns" Jaxx smiled.

sigh. Let's keep referring to Owen as a paedophile shall we. What's actually disturbing is that apparently Jack's new team will have its own peadophile... and:

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"I love guns" Jaxx smiled.

Ohhhhh dear.

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Jaxx sat down and cracked her knuckles. "Alright lets see what kind of weapons you guys have on you..." She smiled looking back up at Jack. Who was standing over her and watching every little thing she was doing. Owen stepped up first. He pulled out two guns. The same kind. both black, and healed seven shoots.

Umm who gave her the authority to rifle through the teams weapons. I'm assuming Jack, but why? Also, Owen has two magical healing guns? Awesome

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"Do you have a Kraptum stabilizer?" Jaxx asked.

heheh

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There was a weird silents that followed. Only broken by Jacks head set thing ringing.

You know, the thing... on his head... that takes calls...

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"Hello, Is this Captain Jack Harkness?" Asked the voice on the other side of the line. It was deep and raspy. Clearly discussed.

Clearly.

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"You can call me Van for now. Now down to way I called. You have something of mine. A girl. Nova is her name I believe she is your sister. Don't be confused i have no interested in you undying power." Jack could hear the grin behind Van's Voice. "Anyways, Shes mine and I would like her back."

A person named Van is looking for a little girl...sketchy. Also, I wouldn't call Jack's inability to die a "power".

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"I am the one who gave you and her your powers. Come on Jack you must reminder me." The voice changed. It became cold and calm. Soft. Like his mothers. But older. Jaxx had been talking about there grandmother. "Now, Sweetie I need to see your sister." The voice came again. Jack froze for a moment. He was about to ask her were she was. But then Jaxx had been talking about the tests she did on her, and that she whipped him thoughts of her.

Uh, no. If we're going to accredit Jack's powers to anyone it would be Rose. And how the hell does SHE know to call him Jack? And again with the memory whipping... Also, shouldn't she be in the future? But since time seems to have no relevance in this story I suppose it doesn't matter.

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"My head hurts." She winced. Jack got up and got on his knees looking up at her. The headache, and missed up thoughts. Told him that she might have gotten her memory whipper or Warped.

I don't think I'd like to have my memory warped or whippered. Sounds terrifying.

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"I get headaches a lot. At lest from what I can reminder. So far my memoirs are not so good..."

"Maybe it's because I'm only sixteen. I was meaning to work on my memoirs, but then I was frozen for years and never really got around to it"

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Out of no where Jax bent over and throw up blood. She coughed and hacked. Thick, black, blood ozzed from her mouth. Jack's eyes got large as she sat back up. Her face was pale and her eyes dark.

ewwwww...

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"I've seen this before!" He siad pushing Jack out of the way. "Was she starting to reminder something she wasnt supposed to reminder?" He asked looking over her face. Jack nodded, and Owen saw this out of the corner of his eye. "Right!" Owen said picking her up out of the chair and rushing out. "Gotta been Fast!" HE yelled as she throw up on him again. "Really fast..." He whispered.

Why would remindering something make her throw up blood? And where would Owen possibly have seen this before?

Well, that's it. It's a shame, kinda wondered if it was going anywhere. Probably not. Sorry if this one wasn't very amusing, but it's been on my computer for a while and I felt like I should get rid of it. Thanks for reading it all!

Good snark. I loled.

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"My head hurts." She winced.

That pretty much sums up how I feel about this story, with a side helping of "WTF DID I JUST READ?" and a dash of "OH, FUCK NO!"

Nice snark--might I ask for source, though? If you still have the link. Kind of reminds me of a favourite Doctor/Donna badfic author of mine that I love to have a good laugh at; although bad authors all seem to make the SAME damn spelling mistakes (like whipped).

Great sporking! I don't have much to add except that I also lol'd, and am looking forward to seeing if you post more :D

I agree, getting one's memory whipped (or whippered) would probably be painful.

Total failure concerning Time and Space, however. Given how badly losing Gray effected Jack, I honestly think he'd remember having a little sister. Plus, if her parents were so worried about the situation with the alien invaders, why didn't they send Gray away with her?

Oh wait. Then she wouldn't have had the requisite tragic back story.

At least Gray's was canon.

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New Torchwood initiation programme. Help Ianto make coffee. If he doesn't shoot you in the face due to frustration, you pass!

Tru Fax. It's why Torchwood 3 has such a small workforce. There have been dozens of other applicants, but Ianto had to kill them because they couldn't get the hang of making coffee properly. Plus, they looked lousy in a suit (especially the women).

Good snark. I actually found it painful to try and read the story, what with all the misspellings. Do they no longer include spell check on new computers?

I lol'd. :D

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He pulled out two guns. The same kind. both black, and healed seven shoots.

Two black guns that fire seven "healing" shots? I see they're both the same kind. Thanks for that description, author...

Also, Jack doesn't have "powers" and no one gave them to him, except Rose/the Bad Wolf. Unless...Rose is Jack's grandmother?! I think I read a crackfic like that once. Either way, my brain is broken.

And badfic author, Jack is really scarred from Gray's whole...issues. Like, really scarred. Like, he's got some serious fucking problems. And yet, you can just introduce a whole new sibling without him having any concerns or little nagging doubts whatsoever?
And...agh. Too much fail to continue ranting.

I don't even know this fandom, and I'm loling at all the autocorrect mistakes. Sometimes the fanbrat misspells the word so badly that autocorrect thinks it's another word entirely, even if it doesn't fit in context.
And that, children, is why you need a beta reader.

The timeline of this fic kind of imploded, along with my brain while I was reading this fic. It hasn't been updated several months though, so I doubt there will be any more.
I also feel like Jack would be more surprised and suspicious if someone randomly walked out of the Torchwood cryogenic holding, claiming to be his sister.
But, then again, she's the Sue. Why should she care about logic and such?

Devouring_Time wrote:

Quote :

"Then Torchwood found me. When I was 16. Froze me. and for some reason I wake up today."

Right, wait, back up. Mini-rant time. Jack was born in the 51st century. That's 30000 years from where he is now. You were sent to live with this evil grandmother of yours and she did experiments on you. Did these experiments send you back in time? And Torchwood found and froze you and now you randomly wake up?
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Oh the confusion.

I'll say. You got so confused, you mistook the 321st century (when mankind's on the brink of extinction in its war with the Phlegmlings of Schnozgorod XXIII -- humanity survives after rediscovering antihistamines) with the 51st.

I just loved the bit where Gwen's thinking about her boyfriend, "Rice".

Rice, you are sooo my all-time favourite character!

Quote :

"Ew, Owen that's called pedophile!"

Oh god. I lol'd for real
And what in the hell are 'healing shots'? I haven't seen Torchwood in a while, but I'm pretty sure they don't have healing guns in it?

A spoon full of lead to help the medicine go down...

Quote :

I'll say. You got so confused, you mistook the 321st century (when mankind's on the brink of extinction in its war with the Phlegmlings of Schnozgorod XXIII -- humanity survives after rediscovering antihistamines) with the 51st.

Whoops, I meant 3,000 years from now...

The Scientist wrote:

I just loved the bit where Gwen's thinking about her boyfriend, "Rice".

Rice, you are sooo my all-time favourite character!

I forgot about that part. Then when I read your post, I lol'd all over again. :D

Happenstance wrote:

The Scientist wrote:

I just loved the bit where Gwen's thinking about her boyfriend, "Rice".

Rice, you are sooo my all-time favourite character!

I forgot about that part. Then when I read your post, I lol'd all over again. :D

Well, everyone else is OOC. It's only natural she'd forget how to pronounce her husband's name.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Happenstance wrote:

The Scientist wrote:

I just loved the bit where Gwen's thinking about her boyfriend, "Rice".

Rice, you are sooo my all-time favourite character!

I forgot about that part. Then when I read your post, I lol'd all over again. :D

Well, everyone else is OOC. It's only natural she'd forget how to pronounce her husband's name.

Poor Rice. He's so mistreated despite his canonical semi-frequent badassery.

Yeah guys, I say we should demand more respect for Rice!

Rice for the win!

Happenstance wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

Happenstance wrote:

The Scientist wrote:

I just loved the bit where Gwen's thinking about her boyfriend, "Rice".

Rice, you are sooo my all-time favourite character!

I forgot about that part. Then when I read your post, I lol'd all over again. :D

Well, everyone else is OOC. It's only natural she'd forget how to pronounce her husband's name.

Poor Rice. He's so mistreated despite his canonical semi-frequent badassery.

I totally agree with you and Dr. Science. If not for him, they never would have found the space whale creature. And he's the one that operated the laser scaple to remove the Nostrovite from Gwen, doing nothing more than following Owen's instructions.

While I was glad to see that he's going to be in the new Torchwood, my friends and I are laying odds on how many episodes he'll last before RTD kills him off too.

I'm guessing he'll save the death of Rice for the season finale or the episode before--that's when he likes to kill them off, right?

I always thought good ole Rice was the only one who didn't constantly behave like a teenager. I really like him. It's easy to sympathise with him.

Re: Rhys's fate next series
"Gwen, why is Captain Jack always looking at me in a funny way, every time, I look at him...? And what exactly is this reference to a book about me...?" .

Happenstance wrote:

I'm guessing he'll save the death of Rice for the season finale or the episode before--that's when he likes to kill them off, right?

Unless he realizes that that's what the fans have come to expect, which he won't, because since when has RTD listened to the fans?

If he were actually any sort of a writer, he'd either not kill him off at all (because he'd know everyone's expecting him to die), or he'd do it in such a mundane, unexpected way, the fans wouldn't know whether he was pulling their leg (have him get hit by a truck whilst crossing the street because he's not used to American's driving on the wrong side of the road).

Sadly, Rhys is expendable. The only ones who aren't are Jack and Gwen (though why Gwen's so important I can't figure out, except that RTD seems to have fixated on her the same way he fixated on Rose). Rose ended up getting the Doctor (well, a clone of the Doctor, but we're supposed to believe that was as good as getting the real thing), and even though they've already cast a male lover for Jack in the American series, I imagine Gwen will eventually end up with Jack, because that's what RTD apparently intended all along. Though if he wanted it that badly he should've hung around and paid more attention to the series, instead of lavishing all his attention on Dr. Who and letting whoever was directing Torchwood take it in the direction that seemed natural to them (which was the Jack/Ianto relationship).

Sorry. Didn't mean to rant. But RTD's callousness towards Torchwood fans (especially we slashers, who were all dismissed as being hysterical ninnies because we complained about the way Ianto's death was handled) still manages to amaze me. I don't usually dislike people, but the man sets my teeth on edge every time he opens his mouth.

Edited to add: The whole 'getting hit by a truck whilst crossing the street' angle actually happened to Kai Owen, the actor who plays Rhys, when he came to his first Torchwood convention in the states (it was a motorcycle, and he wasn't badly hurt). And yes, he blamed it on the fact that Americans drive on the wrong side of the road. Which is something I can see Rhys complaining about loudly and repeatedly.

RTD is a bastard. I'm sorry, but he is. I was going to try to stay out of this conversation, because talking about season four of Torchwood makes me horribly depressed, but I couldn't help myself (Even though I kinda started the discussion... but whatever...)

I like to tell myself that I'm not going to watch ssn. 4 because I don't care anymore, but I know I'm going to end up watching it anyways. I've bought all of the bloody magazines. which talk about how they're not going to focus on Jack's past so much. HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO MANAGE THAT! I mean there's not just Ianto, but his freaking GRANDCHILD is dead! How do you forget about that?!

I loved Ianto, which I now realise was unfortunate because he just got killed off like everyone else. Honestly, I don't really care if bringing Ianto back would "ruin his beautiful death scene" In my opinion, it would make up for a lot of RTD's wrongs. (Did anyone else read Gareth's comic in the Torchwood mag? It gave me so much happy. )
Well, there's my long post that was probably unnecessary, but it made me feel slightly better.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Happenstance wrote:

I'm guessing he'll save the death of Rice for the season finale or the episode before--that's when he likes to kill them off, right?

Unless he realizes that that's what the fans have come to expect, which he won't, because since when has RTD listened to the fans?

If he were actually any sort of a writer, he'd either not kill him off at all (because he'd know everyone's expecting him to die), or he'd do it in such a mundane, unexpected way, the fans wouldn't know whether he was pulling their leg (have him get hit by a truck whilst crossing the street because he's not used to American's driving on the wrong side of the road).

Sadly, Rhys is expendable. The only ones who aren't are Jack and Gwen (though why Gwen's so important I can't figure out, except that RTD seems to have fixated on her the same way he fixated on Rose). Rose ended up getting the Doctor (well, a clone of the Doctor, but we're supposed to believe that was as good as getting the real thing), and even though they've already cast a male lover for Jack in the American series, I imagine Gwen will eventually end up with Jack, because that's what RTD apparently intended all along. Though if he wanted it that badly he should've hung around and paid more attention to the series, instead of lavishing all his attention on Dr. Who and letting whoever was directing Torchwood take it in the direction that seemed natural to them (which was the Jack/Ianto relationship).

Sorry. Didn't mean to rant. But RTD's callousness towards Torchwood fans (especially we slashers, who were all dismissed as being hysterical ninnies because we complained about the way Ianto's death was handled) still manages to amaze me. I don't usually dislike people, but the man sets my teeth on edge every time he opens his mouth.

Edited to add: The whole 'getting hit by a truck whilst crossing the street' angle actually happened to Kai Owen, the actor who plays Rhys, when he came to his first Torchwood convention in the states (it was a motorcycle, and he wasn't badly hurt). And yes, he blamed it on the fact that Americans drive on the wrong side of the road. Which is something I can see Rhys complaining about loudly and repeatedly.

Or unless RTD does what Nicholas Meyer did in The Wrath Of Khan, & and shows Rhys's "Death" as part of a Torchwood training exercise, early on in the series, to "wind the fans, (who are expecting Rhys to die) up", only for him to die for real, in a heroic manner, at the end of the last episode...

Oh, Uncle RTD...what are we going to do with you?

...Hopefully bash your head in if you keep fucking up great fandoms. D: