Surety - when purple prose goes too far

I've only found a few report-worthy fics in the Code Geass fandom, which has a pretty high concentration of good writing. Apart from the tech-wanky Code Geass: The Demon and the Dragon (mentioned in this thread), most of them have been Mary Sue fics, one of them so bad it's probably a troll.

Surety: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

This fic is something rather different: the plot uses a not-entirely original but reasonable scenario (Shirley avoids being stabbed to death in R2 episode 15, leading to Lelouch/Shirley shippiness). However, the writing is that worst kind of purple prose: the kind that not only goes way over the top in using overly-elaborate language, but also ignores grammar and gets word definitions wrong. Here's some examples:

Quote :

The silence of that abandoned shopping center was exasperating; the entire market was evacuated after an impromptu assault of an unexpected nemesis, 'Orange' soldier Gottwald. The absence of noise was enough to wrack the mind beyond belief, yet this had no effect to Lelouch who strode in euphoria. Even after unfathomable mishaps, everything was shifting to his favor: Jeremiah Gottwald, the unyielding soldier of absolute retribution, swore his blind loyalty to only him; the Gefjun Disturber offered certain success in the effect of disabling Britannian mechanisms; the alliance between the Black Knights and the Chinese Federation promised beneficial results; and he was able to ensure the safety of Suzaku (though the true enemy to force into defeat) and Shirley. His ranks were drastically expanding and becoming more advanced. Even if Kallen was still captured within the threshold of Britannia's stronghold, it would only be inevitable that Lelouch would regain the 'queen' of his armada.

Obvious grammar errors highlighted. Let's see how much I can shorten that first paragraph by translating it into something resembling plain English:

"The shopping centre, which had been evacuated in the face of 'Orange' Gottwald's implacable pursuit, was eerily quiet, but Lelouch was unperturbed. Finally, events were moving in his favour; Jeremiah had sworn allegiance to him, the Gefjun Disturbers on which his plan depended had proven their effectiveness, the formation of the United Federation of Nations was proceeding apace with his army growing in strength every day, and Suzaku and Shirley were safe. Kallen remained a prisoner in the Tokyo Settlement, but plans were already in motion for him to recover his 'queen'."

Quote :

He was on the brink of laughter all the while striding through the deserted walkway.

...using his phasing powers to pass through a solid floor?

Quote :

"Shirley." Lelouch called out as he slid his communicator back into his pocket. Her name merited her attention as she turned around; Lelouch caught a meager hint of distress hailing her grimace that instantly diverted to a faint smile.

Quote :

Lelouch grunted with distaste of the returning ambiance of doom roaming through his nerves.

"Lelouch felt nervous."

Quote :

He found his hand motioned to her jawline, his fingers traced its structure while slipping through her heavy damp hair. Thumb pressured her chin to angle her face and connect their sight. In Lelouch's experience, eye contact was one of the most promising methods to analyze a person's thought . However, this was hard to maintain(even initialize) as his gaze was averted to the alluring pout of Shirley's lips. Prolonged exposure to the rain had them more plump and glistened then he could remember.

"Initializing thought analysis. Warning. Glisten detected. Redo from start."

Quote :

Her grip tightened around his elbows, and her momentum caused him to fall forward. It was instinct that merged their lips together, each so moist that there was no friction to resist their ignored desire. There was no need to claim this to be an accident in Lelouch's mind; it was not the fault of gravity nor inertia that happen to aligned their luscious meet. His arms trembled as they wormed their way around Shirley's shoulders.

Bet Shirley would like to aligned with Lelouch's luscious meat...oh, 'meet'.

An unfortunate consequence of the weird style of this fic is that it comes across as kind of lifeless even when it's trying to be emotional and melodramatic. It's like someone gave Tuxedo Mark a thesaurus.

You're redo of the first paragraph proves why this author needs to have both their thesaurus
and their dictionary taken away. I know nothing of the fandom, but rotten grammar is rotten grammar no matter what you're writing about.

Quote :

Surety - when purple prose goes too far

By definition, "purple prose" means "gone too far."

^

Someone should tell that to Pao-Pao. I don't think he got it yet.

Penguin wrote:

By definition, "purple prose" means "gone too far."

Then I guess this fic is Beyond The Impossible.

I think that's THE purplest prose I've ever seen. That's just awful. I especially enjoy:

Quote :

In Lelouch's experience, eye contact was one of the most promising methods to analyze a person's thought .

Whoa. No shit: really??