I found this little jewel back on the Green boards and presented it because at the time I was wondering what His and Her Circumstances had in the way of FanFiction. It's a tiny fandom, which was a comfort to know, and when came down to it, I very much enjoyed the series as a whole. It had funny moments, dark moments, moments you swear would be perfect to cross it over with Kingdom Hearts (Provided you have the mindset and imagination to see how both Fandoms could mesh) and moments that reminded of you of younger years and the people you truly loved.
Then of course this travesty, The mask I must where to hide who I am, takes all that is Kareshi Kanojo no Jijou and bludgeons it with a burning misshapen cinderblock.
I cannot express nearly enough how much disdain I have for this story, from the start to the unfinished ending.
I suffered MiSTing this crap, I can do it again.
So it opens with the the main character's first day of school.
- Quote :
- Yami Hakumei
The first day of school. For me any way's. It was the middle of the school year and I had been a transfer student. I walked through the halls and made my way to the office. "Hello how may I help you?" said the woman at the desk. "Yeah I'm new and I'm not shore where I'm supposed to be." I said shyly.
It's just painful to get this kind of splooge right at the start, like the author wasn't sure whether to check the proper grammar or use of words. How could someone mistake "shore" with sure"?
Of course, the worst of it is the fact this is the main character's point of view. So the Mary Sue, oddly enough a
Sueicus hottopicus orphanica or it's proper name, Orphaned!Emo!Sue, goes to class.
- Quote :
- My first class was study. I walked in quietly and sat down in the very back seat nearest the window. A couple of girls walked over to me an asked me my name. "Yami Hakumei" I said nervously. "That's quite a name" said one of the girls trying to hold back laughter. They walked away and started laughing and making fun of my name. I folded my arms on the desk and put my head down. I had nothing to do, so I just stared out the window.
I honestly am at a loss for words. The Sue is trying to downplay herself in an attempt to obviously get pity from the audience, but this is ridiculous. Either the author is drawing off some of their own trauma for the character's personality or they have a Psychology text book on hand and base their character off what they read, I don't know. All in all, it's terrible.
And then we meet the Sue's love interest.
- Quote :
- Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder.
Random student: Can I have my seat back please?
- Quote :
- "Hi" I said shyly.
"Hey, your new right?" said the boy.
"Yeah" I answered.
"I'm getting my left replaced at the shop tomorrow."
- Quote :
- "I'm Koyuki Kanashimi."
I looked around on the web to try and find a literal translation to his name but all I got was, "Silly windows going justly about apples". Those Japanese are funny.
- Quote :
- "I'm Yami Hakumei."
Her name, oddly enough, means "Sodomized by an inebriated garden tool". Apparently, in this form of syntax, "Yami" doesn't mean darkness. Who knew?
Then we get this...
- Quote :
- "Nice to meat you Yami." he said. Then I heard a yell come from Karei. "Koyuki don't talk to her."
Long version: "I'm going make pointless appearances to ridicule the new girl until we eventually make amends; but in the meantime I'm going to make fun of her to justify my popularity and superiority over everyone else in this school!"
Short version: she's a bitch.
- Quote :
- "Why not?" Koyuki yelled back
"She's a loner. And I heard her parents are both dead. Her dad killed her mom and then killed him self. And just listen to her name Yami, who wants a name that means darkness. So how many suicide pills are you on Yami?"
OK, the dialogue isn't even realistic. I mean, what is the point of her gloating in the first place? It's like saying to someone who uses Viagra "I don't need it. I can get a stiffy on my own! Look! Boobies! ...See?"
But does poor Yami take this abuse? Yeah.
- Quote :
- I looked at her about to cry and put my head back own on my desk. "Oh she's crying" said Karei sarcastically.
[Heavy Weapons Guy] UWAAAAAAAH! GO CRY LITTLE BABY! CRY SOME MORE!
And then we get this beast of a paragraph, which is kind of painful to look at. I notice throughout the story, the lack of paragraphing for dialogue. It's confusing, sometimes, and I kind of understand the lack of punctuation, considering how the author wasn't lucky enough to grab any from the punctuation bin shared by every writer.
- Quote :
- The bell rang and I was the last on to leave the room. I went to my next class, which was math. Again I sat in the most secluded seat I could fined. The teacher walked in and right behind her was Karei. "Ok class we have a new student to day. Her name is Yami Hakumei. Every one try to be nice and show her around and help her if she gets lost. Ok now that introductions are over let get back to math." she said kindly. She went to the bored and wrote down a math problem. "Can anyone figure this out in there head?...Anyone?" It was a very complicate math problem. I new the answer but I didn't want to say anything until. "Yami do you know the answer?" she asked desperately. "Well, X86, YZ, So Y and Z both 1,739 and in the other problem X 67 so the hole problem is impossible unless you add 6"
Teacher: ...You forgot to carry the seven.
Yami: Goddammit!
- Quote :
- I finished answering the question and every one was looking at me amazed, including the teacher. I was really proud of my self until Karei said "Wow she's a teachers pet too."
"I knew someone like this. They did this exact same thing once."
"What'd you do?"
"I threw my chair at the bitch."
- Quote :
- The rest of the day was the same. People talking about me. With in the time I got there to the time lunch started, many stories about me had erupted.
She's only been in school for four hours... and already there are stories of her... Is she the embodiment of the Harry Potter fandom all of a sudden?
And of course, we get a bit of a exposition as to why all the people are saying mean things about her...
- Quote :
- My whole family was dead. I only ever had a mom, dad and a grandmother but they are all dead now. Both of my parents were the only children in there family so I had no aunts or uncles.
If that's supposed to invoke pity for her, it's still not working.
And then we get the ending, which makes as much sense as the rest of this crapfest...
- Quote :
- As I walked home I was feeling really sad about my parents. I never really liked or cared for either of them. But when people say things like what happened at school it makes me feel like I have to have parents to be normal. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just not normal. Or was I felling bad about ignoring that boy in my study. I don't know.
I arrived at the entrance to the forest path. I walked in. I walked about 30 yards and looked for the heart tree. Its tree that's trunk was split in 2 and the 2 sides meet and form a heart shape. That's the marker I use to fined the right place to turn. I turned into the dark forest and walked. I pulled out my flash light and the batteries died. I kept hitting it and it flickered but no luck it was dead. It was getting dark and I still wasn't home. The sun almost set when I reached my tent. I crawled in and my food had been eaten and torn apart. I hole in the back of the tent and food all over the tent and behind the tent. I sat on my feet and said "great this is just wonderful. No food, a hole in the tent and its going to rain tonight"
I also had a radio to check the weather. I turned it on. "A powerful storm is headed our way tonight. There's flood warning all over the county. Wind gusts as fast as 70mph."
I switched of the radio and cleaned up the food. I had to carry it far from the tent. It was dark and I want shore were I was going. I walked as striate as possible and dumped it. It started to rain so I started running. I forgot about a hole I tripped in before. I tripped and twisted my ankle. I yelled in pain and furry. I lied on the ground for, it seemed like hours. I was soaked and shivering. I took a deep breath and stood up and fell on the ground again. My ankle hurt too much. So, I crawled my way back to the tent. I fell asleep to the tent rustling and shivering.
I only have two words for you concerning this situation: PITY TRIP!
The whole first chapter is just to set up attachment to a character who doesn't really put any effort into asserting herself.
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