White Mask (A Darksiders Rapefic starring Death and an OC) Stromgly NSFW.

[b]Okay let's see what we've got here...Honestly, I didn't think the idea was a bad one, though the execution could be better. I give it a 6.5/10, mostly cause of grammar/spelling, just odd sentence structure and lame cliches.[/b]

[b]It has rape, BDSM and probably other stuff I don't know about to tag, just to be safe for my fellow snarkers. I have a feeling not everyone is comfortable with these types of topics, besides Clopper.[/b]



Ch 1:




[quote]The world may have been created in seven days, but it ended in three. 
Day one, the news had reports of violence spreading across Europe and Asia.  That was the last day of my normal life.[/quote]


[b]
I don't know about you guys, but Asia and Europe seem to be pretty violent right about now. I don't see how this would be so startling.[/b]


[quote]Day Two, the violence came to the US.  The violence was spreading across states starting from New York City.  By midday, within mere hours, the violence spread to Mid USA.  That was when I first heard the word Nephilim.  On that day, that was the last time I spoke to my parents long distance to California.  I told them that I was moving to a protective shelter until the violence stopped.  The news, whatever news stations remained in operation, called in an invasion and it was. [/quote]


[b]
Yeah...see what I mean about weird sentences? I guess this person isn't a native to the English language, but at least get a beta. If you do have one, and this shit is still here like this, the get someone who knows the language.[/b]


[quote]The monsters, these Nephilim were powerful and had weapons of unimaginable power.  They were tearing through the US military as if it was tissue paper.  People were calling it the End Days.  They were right.[/quote]


[b]
REALLY? I had no idea. You don't need to use power twice, geez. I once again attribute this to the author possibly not being a ELS.
[/b]
[quote]Day Three, all communications stopped and the human population was dropping as the Nephilim got rid of the unwanted or unneeded.  I had been cowering in the shelter with others. 
It was an old bomb shelter left over from the 50’s and the steels doors were ripped opened. [/quote]


[b]
No description whatsoever. Come on. Please, give me anything. I have no fucking clue what a bomb shelter looks like but something would be nice. Another major thing with this fic.[/b]

[quote]That was when I first saw them.  They held the appearance of humans, but they were bigger and there was unearthly ‘feel’ from them that screamed not human. 
An order rang out.  Kill the men.  And they carried that order out with no hesitation.  They killed all the men and even the young boys.  They paid no heed to the tears, screams, and pleas for mercy.  The Nephilim used swords, war axes. heavy hammers, and even used hand guns. [/quote]


[b]
Goddammit, this is so bland and boring. They really had the chance to make this a nice scene, maybe impact the OC a bit with truama, but nope. Nothing. Lazy, fucking lazy just to get to the sex.[/b]


[quote]They herded us out.  One Nephilim must have believed that I was dragging my feet and hit me from behind. 
Day Four, that was the day I woke up to my new life and nightmare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What woke me up was the pain in my arms.  My wrists were suspended by chains descended from small pulleys in the ceiling and when I put weight on my feet, I saw that each of my ankles were tied to opposite walls spreading my legs apart.
I was still dressed in my jeans and blouse and tennis shoes.  The news told us to dress comfortably once reports of shelters went out.  I was still wearing my glasses.  Not one iota of my clothing has been removed or touched, but there was one addition.  A small was shoved into my mouth and my teeth dug into the smooth rubber surface.  I could feel the straps around my head holding it in place despite my attempts to spit it out.[/quote]


[b]A small WHAT? I guessing a gag, but once again you've gotta be shitting me. [/b]

[quote]In my surroundings, I could tell I was in a basement.  The floor and walls were pavement and stone while the ceiling was wood.  I could even see sunlight from a rectangular window.   
As much I it regrets me to admit this, I did panic.[/quote]

 
[b]Really OC? You're so humble and brave. Almost forgot the random I where there should be an as.[/b]

[quote]No, I didn’t stand there bravely to face whatever may come.  I screamed through the gag and rattled the chains as I struggled to get loose.  Images from serial killer films rolled through my mind as I imagined a number of bloody things that could happen to me there.  And yes, I did imagine being raped as one of those possibilities.[/quote]


[b]Guess what's gonna happen next? I bet you it's not rape.[/b]

[quote]My screaming must have told [i]him [/i]that I was awake and he waited out of sight for my struggles to exhaust me.  When I hung silently from my bonds, that was when he came down.
The stairs creaked beneath each thug of a thick boot.  [/quote]


[b]Tug? I dunno...this is just sad. Can someone tell me how boots thug though? I'd really like to know.[/b]

[quote]Where I was position was opposite the entrance with the wooden stairs leading down turned into the room.  I saw his thick boots first, then the purplish blue pants legs, and then his body descended into view.[/quote]


[b]Here we go again. [/b]

[quote]His skin was pale with a bluish tint, and it was stretched over a chiseled body.  Again the not human bell went off in my head and that frightened me all the more.[/quote]


[b]Not human bell? What is with these odd phrases and euphemisms? They don't stop here folks.[/b]
 
[quote]His shoulders came into view and from this angle I had first believed his had a tattooed rune on his shoulder..
Then his face came into view, or should I say his mask. 
When I first say it, it nearly renewed my panic.  A short shriek was stave off by the ball tucked between my teeth.  [/quote]


[b]Insert sex/misogyny joke here.[/b]

[quote]The mask was mouthless skull with a cavernous nose and eye wholes were orange eyes flared.  It was framed by thick curtains of jet black hair was hung to his broad shoulders.
I knew what he was before he ever told me.  A Nephilim, that was the only thing that he could be.
I pulled back away from him as he approached.  It wasn’t very far, the chains were meant to give me very little movement.  I could feel my panic coming back and he must have sensed it too.
“No more of that now.”  His voice was thick gravel filling a deep hole, a grave.  “I haven’t much patience left.”[/quote]


[b]Yeeeeah...I highly doubt Death is that eager to bang this human chick. What's with his odd sentences, too? I'm pretty sure he doesn't speak that way in the game. Mind you, I haven't gotten that far because it keeps freezing on me. Quality Q&A there, THQ.[/b]

[quote]Maybe it was him talking to me that calmed me.  A little.  It kept my panic at bay.  I didn’t look at his face; I didn’t want to see that white mask.  If I continue to look at it, I knew I would go back into hysterics. [/quote]


[b]Welp, random tense changes. What else?[/b]

[quote]I instead stared at his chest.  It wasn’t much better, with his cadaverous skin, but I feared that he would notice if I stared at the floor.                  
He touched me for the first time then.  The first of many times.[/quote]


[b]I feel dumb. What is the author trying to achieve here? IS the OC reminiscing about this or what? Is it happening to her now? WTF?[/b]

[quote]He grasped my chin, hard enough to twist my lips and lifted it up.  I shuddered as he turned my head back and forth, examining me.  In doing this, I caught a glimpse of his mask before I shut my eyes.  I felt his hand come up across my cheek over my ear to touch my hair.  His hand was rough with callouses which I would later learn were from thousands of years of handling weapons. 
“You hair is shorter than I would like, but it’ll grow.”  He released my hair which was certainly short than his ending just at below my jawline.  “Look at me.”[/quote]


[b]Commas, where are thou? Seriously, I think I've seen like three of them in all of this text so far. And their hardly where they should be.[/b]

[quote]I opened my eyes and set them toward his chest. 
“No, look at [i]me.”[/i][/quote]

[i]  [/i]
[i][b]Anyone else find this sort of funny? I can't take this thing seriously at all.[/b][/i]

[quote]Again, his hand grasped my chin and lifted it up.  He was a good head and shoulders taller than me and he towered over me with intimidation.  I would have closed my eyes again, but then his voice took on a sharp edge and he said, “You close your eyes while I’m speaking to you and I will cut off your eyelids.  Is that understood?”[/quote]


[b]I'm pretty sure that's not possible, bro. I think you mean shear or skin them off, else her eyes would be gone.[/b]

[quote]I couldn’t say anything, the gag was in my mouth, but I nodded.  He held me there for almost a solid minute forcing me to visually absorb his mask.  I could see the skin around his eyes, a dark shade of blue and his eyelids blinked while inhuman orange eyes stared into mine.  Maybe he felt that that it was long enough or maybe he saw something in my eyes that satisfied him.  He released me and began speaking.
“You’re likely wondering why am I here.  I’ll tell you why.  I saw you, and I liked what I saw, and brought you here.  Yes, I do plan on using your body in all ways a man can use a woman and nothing is going to happen to stop it.  No one is going to ‘save’ you because there is no one.  The Nephilim possesses your world now.  My brethren are right now dividing up the spoils and you happen to be my spoil.  Do you understand me?”[/quote]


[b]Goddammit, why would he go after a human chick? I keep asking myself this. Why not find some angels/demons and take one of them? Since this is AU, I'm guessing he has no problems with it then.[/b]

[quote]I nodded, though his words were breaking my heart.[/quote]


[b]Don't worry girl, that's not the only thing he'll be breaking in a second.[/b]

[quote]“I don’t want to hear anything of how I can’t do this to you, because I most certainly can and will.  I don’t want to hear of any retribution from any relatives because they are likely dead and even if they came for me, I’ll tell you now, others have sought revenge on me and by how I’m standing here, you can guess that it didn’t end well.  For them.”
I could believe it.  He looked powerful and intimating as a black tornado bearing down the highway toward a suburban neighborhood. [/quote]


[b]Do I sense a bit of racism here? Why a black tornado? Why not a purple or white one?[/b]

[quote]He paused, letting his words sink in, then drew a knife from a sheath at his belt. 
I panicked again.  I jerked on the chains hard enough to bruise and I screamed against through the gag. 
He cuffed me across the cheek, “Stop, stop!  This isn’t for your flesh.  I like my women whole and in one piece.”
He lowered the blade nearly laying it flat against his leg and pressed a hand against my shoulder as if to sooth me.  I couldn’t stop shaking, the chains at my wrist were rattling as my hands shook.  He muttered a soft curse in a language unknown to what was left of my world and sheathed his blade.  I nearly sagged in my bonds from relief.
Then he examined me from the tips of my fingers above my head and down to the bottoms of my feet.  And he made a comment about everything that he saw.[/quote]


[b]Again no details. I highly doubt Death gives a shit about what she'd look like, or care enough to comment on it...I...I can't...[/b]

[quote]He drew a thumb over my finger tips and then stroked the palm of my hand.  “You bite your nails.  That’s fine.  I never understood your race’s fascination with long nails that just get in the way.  Soft hands, good.”
He slid his hands along my arms.  “Scar here.  I suppose from years ago when you were a child?  A deep injury that required a healer’s attention.”[/quote]


[b]Laughing right now. He's basically examining her like she's an animal or something. Goddammit Stockholm Syndrome fuck you.[/b]

[quote]Yes, when I was a girl I had fallen from a tree and had to go to the hospital for stitches.  I never climbed trees after that.  He could tell that just by looking at a child hood scar that ran along my lower arm?
“Will you be able to see me if I remove these?”  An index finger stroked the bridge of my nose lifting and lowering the wire frame glasses.  When I nodded, he removed them.  He didn’t toss them to the floor, but actually folded and placed them on at the edge of a work bench that I noticed for the first time.  They were reading glasses that mostly wore for work and well, reading.
Then it came time for what I had been dreading.  One by one, he undid the buttons of my white blouse.  I would have shut my eyes if his threat of slicing off my eyelids did weigh so heavily on me. 
When he had opened my blouse he held it open studying my bra and stomach which I was sure was flexing due to my hurried breathing.  “This is where the knife would have been useful.”
He ripped it off.  It amazed and horrified at how easily the cloth tore in his hands.  My bra soon followed and landed on the remains of my blouse.  [/quote]


[b]How do you rip off a bra completely? He'd have to cut it from the back, unless it has no straps which was not mentioned. Minor nitpick but I hate this kinda shit.[/b]

[quote]His hands squeezed my breasts and I whined low in my throat in sheer disgust.  His hands might as well have been large spiders crawling along my skin.  His thumbs rolled over my nipples, teasing the teats into hard nubs.  I heard him draw in a breath behind his mask and sighed as he rubbed his hands along my ribs.  “Good, they’re not bags of fluid, but flesh.  Again, I don’t agree with this conception humans have about huge breasts.  I prefer small well shaped breasts compared to the large breasts that hang off the body as a loose cyst.”[/quote]


[b]I have a feeling that the author is trying to have Death justify her shortcomings by saying there's nothing wrong with them...[/b]

[quote]Needless to say, I had tears rolling down by cheeks by now.  He was standing close enough for me to smell and the scent of leather and earth was on his skin.  His mask was looming close and daren’t shut my eyes.  His threat of slicing off my eye lids still weighed heavily on me.  I still tried to lean away.  I couldn’t see his face, but I could [i]feel [/i]that he didn’t like it, but he didn’t say or do anything about it.  This time.
Then came the worst.  He undid the front of my jeans and shoved as far as they would go down my spread legs.  That still gave him a free view of my white cotton underwear.  They weren’t fancy or had any lace.  They were the brand you could purchase a pack of from any retail store.  The news did say dress comfortably. [/quote]


[b]Warning for the squeamish, there's rape coming up.[/b]

[quote]A wave of humiliation rolled through me as he ripped them off.  The bastard touched my stomach, hips, and even cupped my bare buttocks with both hands.  Where I was able to distance myself from his hands on my breasts, with them on my lower body, I could understand how big they were.  He grasped my buttocks with the tips of his fingers delving into the cleft between them. 
Then the inevitable came.  He stroked the apex of my thighs, and his fingers drew through the soft curls that covered my sex and then this bastard touch  . . . [i]touched me.  [/i][/quote]


[i][b]FUCK IT. Is it me or does every fucking woman who writes het has to use SEX as a eup. For vagina. You have one, and I'm guessing you've had sex before or at least touched yourself. Why do you not use that word? WHY? My pet peeve every time I read het; it kills it for me.[/b][/i]



[quote]I was surprised by my anger toward him.  Oh, please know, that I completely understood I had every right to be angry at someone who has taken over my world, had me stolen and strung up, and has now stripped me and touched me against my will, but I had always imagined that I would be scared through and through. [/quote]


[b]Does anyone know what this means? I can't even snark this paragraph.[/b]

[quote]He stood and touched my face.  I flinched and that was likely why he pinched my cheeks hard.  “I’m going to remove your gag.  I know you want to cry and I will let you cry.  I’ll even let you curse me.  You better make it good, but this will be the only time I will allow you to do so.”
He removed my gag.  I had to open my mouth wider for him to tug the ball free.  I swallowed all the saliva I couldn’t and rolled my aching jaw.  Then I began screaming at him.

I let lose my anger, fear, and hatred at him.  I called him bastard, son of a bitch, fucker, and even cock sucker ( which is ironic because I was the one to suck his cock later ).  I even spit at him.  But most of all, I cried.  I hung my head and cried and mourned my life and everything I had ever known.  I knew my freedoms were gone and everything I had taken for granted in my life is no more and it was a very bitter and terrible pill to swallow.  It was a pill I had been choking on ever since Day One.
He stood there impassively and took the brunt of my despair and hatred.  I don’t know how long he allowed me to weep.  But it ended when he touched my face.  Maybe it was to brush away my tears or to tell me it was time to stop, but I flinched.  He slapped me then. 
That first time, I really had no idea how much he was holding back to keep from hurting me severely.  It was later on I learned how really strong he was, but the slap startled and numbed me, halted my weeping[/quote]

.
[b]Skipping more BS.[/b]

Ch 2:


[b]Skipping para. about where OC hates her shortened name.[/b]

[quote]Death, as he called himself, dropped his hands from my body and stepped around me.  The tension in my body was almost painful as I waited for what he would do.  There was a click behind me and the chains at my ankles became slack and I could only imagine that he did something to relieve them.  With my legs free, I was able to stand properly and take the pressure off my wrists.  Was he going to take the chains off?  I felt his hand on my back and I yelped in fright.
“Skittish?”  He stepped over the chain at my feet to move in front of me.  His hand stayed at my back, likely to keep me from backing away from him.  The chains above me rattled as I attempted to pull back, but his hand and the chains kept me from getting far.  He began to make soft shushing, as if he was calming a goddamn horse. [/quote]


[b]The thought of Death going 'shh' just makes me snort. I don't even.[/b]

[quote]“St-stop,” I murmured. 
“No.”  Then his hand dropped the front of his pants and I realized why he had released the chains at my feet.  I was too short to be taken standing and he couldn’t lift me with the chains tight. [/quote]


[b]Blerg, Sue is getting raped by Death. I really don't think him or War would do that, but then again this Death that didn't turn on his kin. Skipping Death talking and blah, now making OC give him a BJ.[/b]

[quote]My teeth brushed the head as it slipped past and his shaft slid along the tongue towards the back of my throat.  The head touched the edge, almost triggering my gag reflex and then pulling back.  He bobbed my head several times like this, and then he became descriptive of what he wanted me to do. 
“Use your tongue, girl.  I want to feel it greet me each time I go into your mouth.”  His voice was raspy from pleasure and his instructions became cruder as he continued.  He warned me when he was going to go deep so at least I was prepared for it, but I still choked on him.[/quote]


[b]Fucking hell. I am dying hearing this in his voice. It's just....so fucking generic and I can't stop laughing.[/b]

[quote]Then his breathing became a hurried rush and then he spurted inside my mouth.  I wrench away in a disgusted wail and spat out what he gave me onto the floor.  The rest of what he had dotted my cheek.  At first, I had thought the floor had even the seed a different color tint, but when I wiped my face on the back of my hand, I saw that his cum was purple proving even more that he wasn’t human at all.  He was alien and he had just raped me orally and vaginally.[/quote]


[b]Best line in this fucking fic. Anyone else think of purple Kool-aid coming out of his dong. I swear to god, I fell out of my chair reading this. Skipping to when Death comes back to rape the Sue again, she just agnsts for a while.[/b]

[quote]“I’m going to take you upstairs.  I’m going to let you shower and eat.  Then we’ll talk.  After that, I will fuck you again so don’t let it come as a surprise.”  There was no room for compromise or negotiation in his voice.  His word was law. [/quote]


[b]Yes, because that will make everything all better won't it? Skipping to more BS lines.[/b]

[quote]Then I noticed for the first time that the electricity was on by the overhead light.  “Why is the power on?”
“Because though we may be warriors, we do enjoy running water and electricity that powers these marvels you have called air condition and heaters.”  Death’s voice was thick with sarcasm.  “What?  You think we liked living as the Vikings and Spartans of your history?”[/quote]


[b]I call bullshit. Knowing what Death did to his fellow kin, and knowing they must have magic and shit, they have to have better tech than stupid humans. [/b]

[quote]Death turned me around to face him and he drew a knife from his person.  I screamed and found strength I thought I had lost in the basement.  I flung myself away from him, my back hitting the sink’s edge so hard I nearly recoiled onto the floor. 
“What in the Abyss is wrong with you!?”  He snapped losing more of his patience with me.  “I’m not going to hurt you!”
“I’m scared of sharp things!”  I shouted as I pressed myself against the counter, my terrified eyes on the blade that seemed cold and sharp.  The thought of the edge cleaving into my skin sent spiders along my skin.
He stared at me.  Irritation and confusion passed through his eyes, “You’re frightened of sharp objects?  Knives, swords, needles?”
“Yes!  I can’t stand them!”  All my life, I had a fear of sharp objects.  My parents attributed it to an event when I was one and I played with my mother’s pincushion and I over ten pins stuck into my little hands.  It was a phobia, but it was manageable.  I used plastic knives for food that needed to be cut or just the side of my fork.  It made going to eat out rough because of the possibility of the restaurant serving steak with those jagged stead knives.  And don’t get me started on getting a blood test from the doctor.  I had to take a pill to calm me down and even then I had to have someone hold my hand and look away.  The stitches from my childhood were no picnic.  I literally had to be held down by my parents and a nurse so the doctor could work. [/quote]


[b]What? What? I don't like needles either, but this is BS. Not using knives and going to restaurants because of that is BS. Skipping the OC bathing and more blah. Rape warning just in case.[/b]

[quote]“You said I could ask questions.”  The cotton robe was sliding down my shoulders.
His dry chuckle was like rough fur down my back, “So I did.  Go ahead and ask your questions.”
“What . . . what are you?” 
He was undoing the double knot at my belt.  “What am I?  I believe your information providers told your people we were Nephilim.”
“But they . . .” the robe fell in a pile of cotton at my feet, “ . . .couldn’t say exactly what you are and where did you came from?”
His arms curled around me.  A hand cupped my right breast, a thumb and finger rubbing the nipple.  His other hand rubbed my stomach, his fingers edging past my navel toward my crotch.  Maybe it was because we were talking that kept me calm while he explored me, but I didn’t feel that creeping panic that had been a constant companion since waking up in the basement. 
Maybe he knew that talking to me kept me calm so he obliged me.  “To answer that question would take more time than I am willing to spend right now.  The short of it is that we do come from another world, but we’re not your science fiction aliens.”
His voice was heavy, or heavier than his usual gravel.  His fingers stroked the apex up my thighs, and then I shuddered as they stroked my heat. [/quote]


[b]FUCK YOU author. Seriously, I HATE this shit. Hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate.[/b]

[quote]“We’re Nephilim, Mina.  Conquest and killing is what we do.”[/quote]


[b]I'm sure he could come up with a better answer than that. More derp that I'm skipping.[/b]

[quote]“S-so, no reason?  You killed so many people for no reason?”     
He turned me around quickly as if I was a puppet on strings.  From the skull holes in his mask, I could see that his eyes had lost their usual glow.  When I had said many people, I had meant the people of my world.  I had no idea that the Nephilim had been rampaging across countless worlds for eons.  “We have our reasons, but they are reasons you wouldn’t understand.”
A finger pushed inside, and then a second one.  It hurt at first, because my body wasn’t ready for penetration yet, but it was definitely being encouraged.  My hands grasped the edges of the pillow beneath my head and twisted them.  Guilt and shame lashed me while tiny flame flickered in my stomach. 
When he finished, he pulled out with a spurt of seed that shot a strand across my lower back and then another that slashed along my buttocks.  He sighed low in his chest and released his bone cracking grip on me.  I sagged onto the mattress moaning.[/quote]


[b]Oh goddammit, every time it says purple semen I die. It's just too funny.[/b]

[quote]He touched my back and he leaned over me.  I cringed from his closeness, my hands covering my face.  If I see that bone mask, I would vomit what little I have eaten.  “Grab some clothes from the closet so you’ll have something to wear tomorrow.  I believe the daughter’s clothes may be too small for you.  If the wife has nothing that’ll fit, tell me and I’ll get some for you.”
God, make him stop sounding kind when he was a horrible rapist bastard. 
“Don’t leave the house.  You’ll be tempted to leave, try to run away, but I assure you will not get far.  I’ll find you and depending on my mood, I’ll either you painfully or just drag you back here and keep you chained as dog in the basement.”
God, stop answering my prayers, please.
“You may go.”
I went.[/quote]


[b]Welp, that is it for now. It has 25 chs and I might only be doing select ones just for more hilarious shit.[/b]

[quote]I was surprised by my anger toward him. Oh, please know, that I completely understood I had every right to be angry at someone who has taken over my world, had me stolen and strung up, and has now stripped me and touched me against my will, but I had always imagined that I would be scared through and through. [/quote] [b]Does anyone know what this means? I can't even snark this paragraph.[/b] wrote:

I'm guessing that she thinks that she should just be afraid and not mad. So, maybe that means she can't be mad and scared at the same time? Yeah, the more I read it, the less it makes sense.

The whole fic is kinda like this. I'm not sure if I should be sad or just disgusted.

I have to admire the authorities in this. 'We're being invaded! We're all going to die! Run for the shelters! Oh, and dress comfortably. No lace on the panties, girls, this is war. But, hell, no baggy shorts, no Hawaiian shirts and no socks and sandals. This the end of days, people, not a middle management office barbecue!'

Great snark Kakashifan, do you have a link to this monstrosity?

Here you go. I'll put it in the OP too. Why is the formatting on my post so screwy?

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Forgive the ignorance.  Is this appreciation or distain?

Thanks for the link.

I don't know. Mostly disdain; it's not too bad, but the doormat OC and OOC chars kinda turn me off. I don't mind BDSM but this is too much male domination for my taste. I like things equal. Here we go with ch3; things have been busy so I tried to find a good time to snark.

Skipping her description of the daughter's bedroom, her going down to see Death entering a random barn next to the house and her finding clothes to wear and showering.

I held my breath, when I heard the downstairs door open and shut and his footsteps on the floor. 

The fuck? Another odd sentence...pick a verb please.

I must have stood there for five minutes and when he didn’t come down stairs, I retreated into the daughter’s bedroom.  I locked the door, but I doubt that would keep him out.  For all it would do, I might as well tied a cotton string across the door way. 

While I dressed, I saw my reflection in a dressing mirror.  I saw the bruises on my shoulder and hip where he grasped me tightly.  My face looked pale and my eyes were wide as if I was a deer caught in the headlights.  In a way, I was.  I dressed while my eyes avoided the mirror.

Another lame cliché; look at self in mirror so readers understand what Sue looks like. Why are you waiting? Oh right, I forgot the OC is a fucking doormat. I mean, I get most ppl can't do shit against the 4H, but at least be proactive and DO SOMETHING other than mope.

Skipped shit where she wait the whole fucking morning for Death to come back, but he never does. Of course, since she's a sub she has to wait until her rapist (love interest) does something so she can grow a backbone and FUCKING EAT.

It was hunger that finally made me go downstairs.  My stomach was aching and I was feeling light headed.  Just as Death said, I was feeling weak from hunger.  But I didn’t want to go downstairs when he was inside.  I wanted until he made another trip out to the barn which according to the clock radio was 2:00.  What was he doing in that barn?

Are you fucking serious? I don't know what to say here; just go eat dammit! Not like he's gonna bend you over the table or some shit. Then again, knowing how this fic goes, I wouldn't be surprised. Skipping long ass paragraph about her finding a cat, eating breakfast and bringing everything to her room. Then OC sleeps and its close to night; more boring getting dressed and ready shit.

Oh God, he hadn’t forgotten.  He just had things to do today.  It seemed that his existence did not revolve around fucking me and making my life miserable.

Well, at least she's self-aware. That's kinda good I guess...But she's still an idiot.

Dread bloomed in my heart as a poisonous flower.  All the good feeling I had collected from not being harassed, finding Winnie, and eating evaporated.  I felt empty and I wanted nothing more than to just disappear.  I didn’t want to be around that scary man who keeps threatening to hurt me if I didn’t perform sexual acts for him.

Threatening you? He's gone way beyond that, mind you. I...I don't. How...? Dumb OC is dumb.

Did I obey him?  I did.  There was no alternative for me.  Yes, I felt like shit approaching the master bedroom door. 

What is with the weird question shit? We know you're fucked, no need to do this shit.

“Take off your clothes.”  When I didn’t move, he added, “If you have a problem removing them, I can certainly assist you.  I have a sharp blade that will certainly cleave through the cloth.”

Meh. In a weird way I'd find that more enticing than just taking them off normally. What have you done to me badfic? I need help. Anyone got a good shrink? Lame ass paragraph where she is scared of Death and feels his eyes on her body. Sooooo boring....

Was that a rhetorical question?  I chose to answer it.  “Yes.”

FFFUUUUUUUUUUUU~~~ *headdesk* I don't....More blah about how she wants to go home, but she can't because without Death she'd die.

“Why me?”  I asked him, feeling cold and isolated even though he was there in the room with me. 
“Why you?  Why I chose you?”  I think the question took him off guard, but he answer shortly, “I happened to have been considering taking a woman for myself that day and I saw you.  You had a nice shape with a sweet face that I found appealing so I lay claim on you as Firstborn’s choice and let the others fight over the rest.”

Was that ever explained in game, this Firstborn thing? Also, he chose the lame Sue because she was special. D'AWWWW, I'm gonna puke.

“I just wanted there to be an understanding between us.  Is there an understanding now?  You understand why it’s in your best interest to please me?  Not just because you’re afraid of the basement or knives?” 
“Yes.”  I felt as if I was a dog that was ordered to speak.

Sad thing is, the Sue never grows a backbone, even after some time has passed by. No witty banter between the two, no causal exchanges really, just this...and it gets more boring ihmo.

I swallowed and waited for him to continue.  He was looking at me thoughtfully and then said, “I should tell you, my brother is coming to visit in a few days.  Don’t let his arrival surprise you and yes, I will be sharing you with him if he desires you.”

“W-w-will he hurt me?”  My voice sounded weak, even to me.
He shook his head, “No, my brother, War, does not take pleasure in causing a woman pain.  He’s the ‘honorable’ sort.” 

Oh Goddammit! I can tell you right now, they're probably gonna fall in love. Or some shit. I think it's mostly one sided though. Gotta say, the one fic I'm doing now was inspired by this. I hate doormat FeMC's; worst anime trope ever. Grow a spine!

“It’s fine.  You may keep her as long as she stays out of my way.  You may get dress and return to your bedroom, Mina.”  Death said surprising me.

For the love of God, find a fucking Beta. This shit pisses me off to no end; there have been two chapters by now and no one has called her out or pointed out the author's mistakes. I would have at least shown where the mistakes are; if I wasn't such a lazy douche. More blah about her shaving her pubes, because Death asked her to. It's kinda creepy how long the description is.

I needed my glasses if I was going to passed the time by reading.  But to get my glasses would require I go down into the basement.  I worked up the nerve to go to the basement and collect them.  The chains were still there looking cold and dangling as dead snakes. 
I fled that place after snatching the glasses from where Death had set them. 

Why wouldn't Death have grabbed them for oyu, if he CARES so much? Fucking tsundere Nephilim. More blah S/M sex scenes; I'll just cut to a part of it.

He stood up in a fluid movement of shadow and approached me.  I shivered as if ice was sliding over my body.  Again, I was intimidated at how much taller he was than me and his broad care muscles carried strength and power.  Odd, if it wasn’t for his mask and the fact that he was a rapist bastard from a race of bloodthirsty monsters, this would have been an erotic fantasy.  In reality, it was a horrific nightmare.

Oh God, Stockholm is beginning to kick in. It's only the third chapter; give it some time before she thinks things like that. She shouldn't be comparing this kind of stuff yet; give us more dark imagery.

“You missed some spots.”  He murmured tugging at the outer lips.  I turned up head up to the ceiling as my hands clenched at my sides.  “But I’m still pleased by it.  It’s charming.”  He continued his examination of my most private parts of my body.  He prodded, poked, spread, and stretched me.  He didn’t hurt me, but I wished he did because my body wouldn’t be responding to him so warmly. 

Idiot, just because your body responds that way DOES NOT mean that you want sex. It's prepping itself for sex yes, but that doesn't mean jack shit unless you say you want sex without coercion. This is rape; though there's little the OC can do to stop it of course. It's not hot and I don't get why women find rape hot. I've honestly had dreams about it, but I was the one doing the raping, so I don't see the appeal. Besides, they kinda wanted it, but the dream itself is iffy...More blah positioning for the sex scenes...

My arms were draw over his shoulders and his gloved hands slid down my shoulders, along my back, and rested atop of my buttocks.  This position did bring me into close proximity of his mask; in fact, my cheek brushed the edge of it and I learned that it was actual bone.  Not metal molded or wood carved and painted to look like bone.  It was bone. 
One of his hands left my rear to guide himself inside.  There was a moment of prodding till and then the head slipped inside followed by his shaft.  I moaned, my hands gripping the back of the chair and I felt more than heard him groan as my body tightened around him.  Then he began fucking me. 

How does this work? Can someone enlighten me how people do this without hurting each other? Cause I don't think it can; at least not as she is describing it.

e shifted my hips and he brushed against something inside me that sent a pulse of pleasure through my lower body.  I moaned, my hands shifting from their white knuckle grip on the chair to his shoulders.  He continued to touch that part of me over and over sending that hot electricity through my body over and over and over. 

Chapter Three and you already gave in. Wasn't expecting much, but this is disappointing. She already gave in because of the G-spot....

“Oh God. . .”  I whimpered as a new plateau of pleasure was reached.  Just as when I thought it couldn’t get any better . . .it got fucking better.

More blah sex and she asks to leave, Death says okay but only this once. Then she grabs her clothes and leaves, end of chapter.

It's really not too bad, and the author is trying to rewrite so at least she knows it's not too good. And mind you, this was before I started the snark.