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 What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!

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Nevvy
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PostSubject: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Fri Sep 03, 2010 1:15 pm

I originally wrote this in 2008 and posted it on LiveJournal as well as the House, and another poster mentioned it on the Fanfic Tropes board so here it is once again in all its epic stupidity.

World of Mix?

Okay, cards on the table. I know just a little bit of Naruto. I watched the first season years back when it was first fansubbed, then stopped and has since only kept up with the plot (what's left of it) vaguely because my sister checks up on fan translations of the manga every now and then. Trainwreck syndrome. Anyway...

On to the fic! But first, some summaric explanation of what's been going on while we weren't watching.

Quote :
The Final battle of against the Scourge was fought in what was left of the city of Stratholme with the help of some odd people from a different world
Oh this, this can't be good.

Quote :
the teachers of the Holy Light were all killed as were all the Shamans and any other religious teachers.
My, you mean every priest, bishop, shaman, shaman trainer and druid died? ... wait, doesn't that include Fandral? Wohooo! Wait... this means Tyrande, Thrall, Hamuul and possibly Cairne, and golly who else are dead. Just because, err, they were religious teachers? That was one selective way to fight, Mr. Lich King!

Quote :
So all the races had fallen into a complete downward spiral in their race purity the Dwarfs and humans started to interbreed
So because all the religious leaders died, all the humans and dwarves said "wohoo!" and had a big orgy? Right then. Also, that race purity thing? It's not politically correcto, dude. It was politically correcto once upon a time, but we generally frown upon that sort of thing nowadays.

Quote :
Then the Orcs started mixing with the humans and Dwarfs, followed soon after by the Tauren and the elves
You seriously mean the only reason tauren and dwarves weren't boinking was because of Fandral? Okay.

Quote :
the Forsaken never entered this mix and no one knows why.
Uhm.

I...

... I've been staring at this sentence for a while and I... I've got nothing.

Quote :
Though some believe it was because they already were a mixed race and Sylvanas didn't say anything for nor against the rumor.
No, kid. No, I don't think that was why. I think the rest of us know perfectly well why nobody wanted to breed with the Forsaken.

Then we get one line of story before a two-and-a-half-liner-flashback, then back to the story. Beautiful. Here's the entire, painful flashback.

Quote :
Flare had literally tore a enemy Zombie in two after it killed his teammate and then proceeded to use a fire jutsu on the rest leading to a full charge after he had gotten rid of the zombies though he did not participate in the charge he had used too much chakra and he slumped to the ground and knew no more.
Drama! Action! An epic tale as old as the Bible!

Quote :
Flare didn't focus on the past as it would make his already difficult life even more difficult so he did what any sane person would do he got over it.
I think we noticed you don't care about the past, bud, considering your flashback was so short and pointless.

Then he stands up from sitting under a tree in non-descriptive land, and wanders through the world of where-the-hell-is-this for a handful of words until... a battle!

Quote :
he heard the sound that haunted his nightmares, a zombie moan, people had started to flee away and Flare drew a kunai, throwing it, accidentally hitting someone who turned to him, "What was that for?" asked a Forsaken as she pulled the kunai out of her side though it was not aimed at her
I think we're supposed to believe that this guy is a great ninja. But he's obviously a really sucky knife-thrower. Okay, a kunai isn't strictly a knife but it's pretty much the same. Also, that Forsaken gal would be our female lead.

Oh dear.

Quote :
"Sorry" he said as he went through handseals, "Kuchiyose No Jutsu(1): Dragons!" he said summoning a golden dragon that flew past the Forsaken. Flare drew another kunai and rushed past following the dragon. Throwing the kunai Flare started to go through handseals, 'Katon, Goukakyuu No Jutsu(2)!' he thought as he blew out a gigantic fireball that hit the Zombie head on and burnt it to a crisp, "Toruneedo Raitoningu(3)!" said Flare
Repetive, badly described AND confusing. "the Zombie"? Pff. You're stirring up this much trouble, tossing so many weird spells around, just because of ONE measly zombie?

Hand seals are another Naruto-fare. People have to put their hands together in finger-breaking positions before casting their "spells". Great that we get such good description to see it all inside our heads, eh?

Quote :
'Frostbolt(4)' thought the Forsaken
It sure shows that this is inspired by anime, doesn't it? "Duck!" yelled the zombie, and avoided the frostbolt since 'duck' takes less time to say than 'frostbolt'.
The numbers, by the way, are there because the author explains every spell and technique in footnotes. *thumbs up to smooth narrative flow*

Okay, so they kick the zombie's ass, even when it gets help from some other 'bies and ghouls. Then the Forsaken teases him for a while until, GASP, she realizes that he's SPESHUL 'n'shit.

Really SPESHUL.

Quote :
"You are the Kitsune Flare that fought against the Scourge halving their numbers(A/N: Most of their forces were Zombies hence it would be easy for a shinobi or anyone who can not contract the plague to kill off half their forces)?"
I'm normally more cohorent than this but BULLSHIT.

Shinobi are ninja. They are still human. You state that Kitstu here is human. Being a shinobi does not equal plague-resistant!

Also, author's note within the story? Within dialogue, even? It's the Dalaran zapper cage for you!

Quote :
"I will, I just rarely get to talk to Forsaken seeing as they are usually scorned so much in Stormwind"
I doubt it, considering they wouldn't be allowed in Stormwind in the first place.

Quote :
answered Flare leaning back against the wall of earth and popping one of his last few Soldier pills in his mouth, he'd soon have to head to Undercity and pick up some more.
You... eat drugs... from the Undercity. Fair enough, keep that up. I'm sure your bodily fluids will paint a nice picture all over the floor and walls.

Then he randomly asks the Forsaken girl, Isabella, along on his next mission. They just met five minutes ago, during which he started off by burying a Japanese throwing dagger in her side, and he already wants to group up. Ah, game logic, it's such a beautiful thing.

Next chapter!

Quote :
"Why would I want to go with you?" asked Isabella scornfully and Flare chuckled, "Well I really don't know" said Flare before starting to walk away, "Fine I'll go with you, I want to see why you're so famous"
And you'll make an interesting lab rat to experiment on.

Quote :
"What do you want?" asked the footman that answered the door Flare grew a tick mark.
Tick mark? Tick... oh no, you mean those square things seen in manga and anime when somebody gets humoristically angry? Like saying "he sweatdropped"? Gaaah!

Quote :
"So this wall made of earth?" asked one of the footmen as he poked the wall and Flare sighed this was the fourteenth time explaining it, "Is the wall I made, yes" he said and this time not caring if they die(A/N: Hey they were being -insert word here-).
My hero. Wait a moment, this seems sort of familiar... shoddily written story, stupid author's notes, a male fantasy hero we're supposed to root for despite the fact that he's an asshole?

... naw. Paolini writes better than this, and that isn't a compliment to anybody involved.

Quote :
Much later they were walking out of the city when a human warrior attacked Isabella whom promptly defended herself for a good 2 minutes before the warrior got a good hit in Flare sighed, "Raikyuu(1)" said Flare before tossing something at the warrior who fell to the ground right afterwards.
Glah! Help, I'm drowning in all these descriptions!

Dead!girlfriend gets wounded, so he heals her, and then they keep on fighting throughout a huge paragraph full of shoddy descriptions and pseudo-Japanese words. Well, I don't know Japanese, but I'm pretty sure this isn't cutting it.

Quote :
Flare's pupils both split into three seperate dots each the middle dot becoming enlongated to a cat slit, and the the hazel left them replaced with blood-red.
Yep, there we go. Sharingan. He is now a full-blooded Naruto-Stu. His parents must be proud. Especially since having one with three dots indicates that he murdered his best friend for power, if I recall correctly. Will this lead to waaaangst, ya think? Or does the author not care? I can't be arsed to find out.

Quote :
"I was HEALING you baka" said Flare
Random Japanese is NOT COOL dammit.

Quote :
"You wanted to see why I am so famous, so there it is, I can tap into a demon's chakra supply and use it to heal even the plague"
If you can heal the plague, why haven't you fixed the world's supply of Forsaken back to life? I mean, you seemed to concerned about them not getting any nookie in that prologue. Oh, and you have a sharingan AND is possessed by a demon? What are you, the whole Naruto fandom condensed into one super-Stu which they shoved out of their numbers and into Warcraft to save themselves from the nuclear fallout? Gee, thanks guys!

In between this stupidity, he's been fighting and pwning a single female Scarlet Crusader, finally burning her alive. Yep, this guy and Eragon would be the bestest of friends. Apart from the fact that they'd kill each other in a battle for who's the biggest Stu. And all would be well in the world.

Then the chapter ends, and the author REPEATS the stat list for both characters from the last chapter, with just a few additions. Cute.

Gah. The chapters of this one are short, but there are eleven more after this. I throw in the towel here, and note only that the chapters ahead have very stupid, and worrisome titles. Like "An Anticlimatic End to the Battle" (I'm not surprised), "A Forsaken, And Forbidden Love" (uhh-oooh), and "A Plan to Break Them up" (oh boohoo).

For a bonus, here is where the snark was first posted. As it happened, the author found out and threw a shitfit in the comments section, tossing in even more unbelievable arguments for why his story was believable, especially the human/Forsaken lovestory going on - he claims that the Forsaken do not smell bad at all, because the green slime in the sewers of the Undercity makes them smell nice.

I'll let that one speak for itself. For even more attempts by the author to prove he's Chris-chan Junior, just go check out the reviews for the fic. I'm not condoning bullying him with this, it's just too mindboggingly stupid to not be pointed to.


Last edited by Nevvy on Sat Sep 04, 2010 1:57 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Sutremaine
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PostSubject: Re: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Fri Sep 03, 2010 2:32 pm

Quote :
"What do you want?" asked the footman that answered the door Flare grew a tick mark.
"Grossout no jutsu!"

The footman slowly backed away as Flare grew dozens of tick marks, plus an assortment of flea bites, heat lumps, and pimples.
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bleachedblackcat
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PostSubject: Re: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Fri Sep 03, 2010 4:50 pm

I haven't played WoW but I'm going to assume that the undead here are like those in lots of other games/books/movies. As in they aren't born that way?
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Happenstance
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PostSubject: Re: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Fri Sep 03, 2010 11:37 pm

Nevvy wrote:

Quote :
'Frostbolt(4)' thought the Forsaken
It sure shows that this is inspired by anime, doesn't it? "Duck!" yelled the zombie, and avoided the frostbolt since 'duck' takes less time to say than 'frostbolt'.

I honestly thought that the author was putting the spell's level here. I was like "level rank...really?" until I read the thing about the footnotes. The weird thing is that I can't decide which is worse; the footnotes, or what it would have shown about the author if I had been right. D:

Also, as you said, Nevvy, we all know this fic is total bullshit because the Lich King chose to kill off only some people. People can say bad things about Lichie, but he doesn't discriminate.
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Nevvy
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PostSubject: Re: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Sat Sep 04, 2010 1:20 am

bleachedblackcat wrote:
I haven't played WoW but I'm going to assume that the undead here are like those in lots of other games/books/movies. As in they aren't born that way?

Yep. They are dead humans or elves (mostly) that have started moving again. Essentially the Forsaken, the playable undead, are somewhere between zombies and liches, as they're rotting away but still has some flesh left, and full self-awareness. Let's not get started on Death Knights.

Happenstance: Yeah, that "all the religious leaders were killed off" part is definitely the second most mindboggling thing in this story. It's just so out of the blue.
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PostSubject: Re: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Sat Sep 04, 2010 12:06 pm

Quote :
"Toruneedo Raitoningu!"

Urge to kill stupid otaku... rising...
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Wed Sep 08, 2010 6:18 am

Ahhhh yes, I absolutely abhor this story and everything about it. It's poorly written, the author is a moron, and is filled with so much useless fan-Japanese it makes you want to kill someone.

And MiSTing this crap is a lot harder than you can imagine.
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Nevvy
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PostSubject: Re: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Wed Sep 08, 2010 9:49 am

TheIan: Tell me about it, I still shudder when I think about this one, even if it's ripe with things to make fun of. It's just too much!
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PostSubject: Re: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Wed Sep 08, 2010 10:44 am

Here are some highlights from the first part of my MiST.

he said as he had turned around to confront this new opponent he noticed a definate bulge in the chest regionKEIKO: [Sarcastically] Because chest bulges are the first indicator it’s a woman.
KIRA: Never mind the fact it could be a fat guy.
JACKSON:…
BRIAN:…
MICAH:…Boooobies
KAT: I want to kill him, can I kill him? I just wanna kill him once, he’s not gonna feel it.

"I hate the Scarlet Crusade nothing but a bunch of idiots, 'Katon Goukakyuu no Jutsu!'JACKSON: Oh geez, he just set fire to a little quotation mark!
KIRA: That monster! Has he no respect for such precious punctuation?

"You do know I've been there already right?" asked FlareKAT: [Isabella] Yes, I know you’ve been to Gnomeregan, you’ve told me thirty times already!
and Isabella shrugged. It didn't matter to her if he had been there millions of timesKEIKO: Because let’s face it, who cares how many times someone’s been somewhere?
what mattered was that he was heading to her home.JACKSON: She was tired of him eating everything out of her fridge and then drooling on the couch when he passed out watching Squidbillies on TV.

and pointed at a Forsaken Rogue that tried to sneak up on him, "Listen if you want to try to sneak up on a shinobi you have to do better then that" said Flare.JACKSON: [Forsaken Rogue] I just wanted to know if you would like to buy some cookies to fund my Rogue Scout Troop! You don’t need to get violent!

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PostSubject: Re: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Wed Sep 08, 2010 1:17 pm

TheIan wrote:
he said as he had turned around to confront this new opponent he noticed a definate bulge in the chest region
KEIKO: [Sarcastically] Because chest bulges are the first indicator it’s a woman.
If your zombie lady becomes so decayed her boobs rot off she automatically becomes a man, trufax!

Just do not ask what happens if your zombie man's penis rots off.
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PostSubject: Re: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Wed Sep 08, 2010 7:09 pm

Reepicheep-chan wrote:
TheIan wrote:
he said as he had turned around to confront this new opponent he noticed a definate bulge in the chest region
KEIKO: [Sarcastically] Because chest bulges are the first indicator it’s a woman.
If your zombie lady becomes so decayed her boobs rot off she automatically becomes a man, trufax!

Just do not ask what happens if your zombie man's penis rots off.
Touché.

Then again, there is the Undead female /silly emote in game, "Yes they're real. They're not mine, but they're real!"
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PostSubject: Re: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:04 am

Argh. These are the exact type of people I loathe in WoW. You know, the type who always have Japanese name suffixes (eg -chan, -hime, the latter being VERY common)

I thought WoW was a place to get away from all this anime obsession bullshit.
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anangrychocobo
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PostSubject: Re: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Tue Apr 26, 2011 11:15 am

whut

what made you think that
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PostSubject: Re: What, the undead aren't getting pregnant? Humbug!   Fri May 20, 2011 2:54 am

bleachedblackcat wrote:
I haven't played WoW but I'm going to assume that the undead here are like those in lots of other games/books/movies. As in they aren't born that way?
I'M HIDEOUS IN MY WAY, I'LL TURN YOUR BRAIN TO PATÉ, YOU'D BETTER RUN FAST BABE, I WASN'T BO-ORN THIS WAY!

Come on, you were practically asking for that.
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