Agitprop, in my Pokemon, No Shit.

I'm here on behalf of Skillet, who has asked me to post a snark he's written. And so, since I have nothing more to say, here it is...



Alright, so I found this lovely little piece of AGW nonsense and decided the nice thing to do would be to share it with you all. Don't blame dear Doc. She's just my messenger .

The 'fic? [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

The first line has a tense failure, just to let you know...This is gonna be "good."

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It was a bright and energetic May Day. The sun is shining; the birds are singing and everyone's in a good mood.

The first paragraph continues and has an event that makes no sense under our current understanding as to how the world (or temperature in general) works.

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Winter had recently ended in mid-March with a record-breaking temperature of – 300 Celsius.

Absolute Zero is -272.15 degrees. A temperature that low is not only record-breaking, it is physically impossible.

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All Pokémon came out of their hibernation dens and into open fields to bask in the sun and to warm themselves after a long, cryogenic sleep.

Cryogenics: the branch of physics that deals with very low temperatures.

But not all is as pleasant as you would think...

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There was, however, a grave threat approaching the world. It seems that this spring is warmer than usual.

Quick, Get Cyrus Al Gore on the phone. This grave threat must be averted.

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Scientists were baffled with this mysterious phenomenon. They tried to investigate further with the help of Pokémon, scientific instruments and of course, manual fieldwork.

Given that the sum of Pokemon scientific inquiry seems to be one boy/girl wandering the land, cataloguing local myths and legends, and the odd Jurassic Park rip-off, should we really be surprised it takes 5 years to come to the inevitable conclusion?

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All their research, lab work, data and analysis led to one catastrophic event of epic proportions: climate change.

What you mean that largely natural process that is caused by everything from volcanoes to solar variability?

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They realized that the Earth is slowly dying by their own hands. They themselves brought harm to their fellow human beings and their friends, helpers, protectors; their Pokémon.

I would blame the living blob of lava, the volcano-camel, or the FUCKING COAL-BURNING TURTLE before I go blaming the two power plants, handful of ships, and the pair of vans for any heat-related ills.

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They also tried to plant more trees to absorb the excess CO2 but it only helped the illegal loggers to gain more profit.

What about the plan to breed massive amounts of Bellsprouts, Oddish, and ya know, plants that can fight back?

We get a list of disasters caused by the monumental assualt on the pokeworld

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In the Southeastern countries, tsunamis.

Earthquakes do not work that way.

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But there were Legendary Pokémon that was very worried about the future of the Earth. They have an idea on how to save the world but they had need to recruit the help of the two Grass-type Legendaries, namely Shaymin and Celebi. And so the story begins;

So...the pokemon that created the land, the oceans, the creatures that watch over time and space, and the god of pokemon all came together and the love-ritual was the best they could come up with?

Long-winded and largely pointless description of Illex Forest follows

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The Pokémon that lived there were ground dwellers, meaning they lived and fed upon the ground.

[insert picture of ORLY owl here]

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Celebi was roaming through time, saving forests and grasslands one period at a time.

from eeeeevil capitalists, no doubt. Seriously, the author just came out and admitted that the driving force behind forthcoming stupidity is actually the more difficult means to an end.

Arceus telepathically calls Celebi and tells her to come to the hall of origin, because "There is a matter of grave concern regarding you." The author manages to get the type (Normal) and gender (Neuter) wrong on Arceus. Also, the use of a grass plate (held for reasons never explained) causes Arceus to "sound" hoarse over a telepathic link. Remember that for later.

We then cut to Shaymin, the little flower hedgehog legendary who gets this delightful factoid:

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In its land form, it was a female. But when exposed to the Sky Plate or the pollen of gracidea flowers, she would transform into her Sky Form, changing her gender as well.

In the game, a legitimate Shaymin will transform into its sky form when holding Gracidea flowers and not having the status effect: Frozen (At least, if I'm reading Bulbapedia correctly) Gender-bending has nothing to do with it (Shaymin, like Celebi, Arceus, and every legendary, is genderless.)

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she heard Arceus' voice. "Shaymin, Flower Maiden of Sinnoh, your presence is needed at the Hall of Origin. There is a matter of grave concern at our disposal." Apart from Celebi, she also noticed a strange hoarseness in Arceus' voice. "My queen, will you allow me to speak?" she asked, with great respect. "Yes, you can. What is it?" she croaked out, her voice a tone higher than usual. "Why does your voice seem like you've been screaming for a year?" Arceus just laughed it off as she failed to notice her voice. "I don't know the reason either." She laughed "Never mind that. I need you here as soon as possible." "Yes, milady."

FAIL!

Moving on, for the sake of my sanity...

Both of the grass Legendaries fly until nightfall, but only one of them actually made it to the Hall of Origin in that time. Jeez, Celebi, it's not like the end of the world is riding on your actions.


Anyway, that's chapter 1 of 3 4

Wow, it's like Until The End Of Time, but with Legendary Pokemon instead of Goku, the environment instead of Anne Frank, and global warming (and its secret weapon, tsunamis) instead of the Nazis.

"Mew! You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead you found a GOD!" Jeremy Clarkson had evolved into Mewtwo.

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It was a bright and energetic May Day. The sun is shining; the birds are singing and everyone's in a good mood.

Why do I get the nagging suspicion that the author of Sakura Waltz is a closet "Chocobo Nights" fan? I mean, this line sounds exactly like something Lemon Master would churn out if he had the chance. If you don't believe me, compare it with a similar quote from "Chocobo Nights":

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Suddenly, a huge furry dick rams up Tifa's cunt. It was a chocobo.

The only alternative explanation I can think of is that Deign12 and Lemon Master are the same person using two different IDs.

There's an image I don't need in my brain. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Chris91 wrote:

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It was a bright and energetic May Day. The sun is shining; the birds are singing and everyone's in a good mood.

similar quote:

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Suddenly, a huge furry dick rams up Tifa's cunt. It was a chocobo.

This amuses me to no end.

#

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What do you disapprove of, Somath? The badfic, or a snark by Skillet?

Maximilia wrote:

What do you disapprove of, Somath? The badfic, or a snark by Skillet?

More people being dumb enough to associate with a known stalker even after being one of the most vocal people (after me) complaining about him before his eventually banning for fucking harassment!

I can't make choices for people but I can get very very grumpy when they make hilariously stupid ones.

Calm down, bro.

Is it bad that my reaction was 'Wouldn't a chocobo penis be feathery instead of furry?'

Hrm. Anyway. Environmentalism has been done in PKMN canon in small doses, but this is pretty horrible.

Chaltab wrote:

Is it bad that my reaction was 'Wouldn't a chocobo penis be feathery instead of furry?'

I hope not, that was my first reaction too...

Hey, you know what is really great about that Chocobo penis quote? There is a wonderful great snark to go with it! How about we look at the Chocobo Nights thread instead of making me think of Tifa's greens-stuffed girl parts and Pokemon at the same time!



ETA: I will give Chris props for posting something actually funny though. Good work.