Excuse me while I review/critique/attention whore.

This is a drabble I posted to fictionpress a while ago. I know no one goes there, so to expect any feedback this soon is just shooting myself in the foot, but here I am with a hole in my metatarsals and a URL. If you care to read and leave your thoughts/critique, feel free to do so. It's 2,654 words (about... 3 pages or so on Word) so not terrible.

It's about a vampire. You know. The kind that are awesome. or at least I think so. Some of you may have heard me talking about it in the chatbox, but now I have the cajones to post it finally. So I shall. :D It's SFW so no real worries about that. What I'm really worried about, and I'm sorta hoping you could focus on, is how well I showed rather than told (never took creative writing, sue me), and just how deep I made the writing. I mean, I'm not talking deep, down, "explore the depths of my tortured soul" deep, just not "I could stand in a puddle of you and not get my feet wet" shallow descriptions. And also, I'm sort of hoping it's not... boring. I mean, if it IS, tell me and maybe help me make it better if you have the free time, but it's in the first person and I'm hoping it just doesn't sound like, "I did this. And now this happened. I said this. I did this. I did that. I said that." So yeah. Enough rambling.

Now read. Jesus commands you.

Edit- Reread it. Some thoughts that I know may come up-
1- At one point I said he's wearing boots, and at another i said hes only in socks. somehow I missed that, but he is in his boots.
2- I haven't defined his powers up until that point and I hadn't really thought about them when I posted it either than strength and invisibility to mirrors/cameras/etc. I have no idea if he can fly/jump from buildings, etc. Never thought about it.
3- I probably should have came up with more describing features for Blue Eyes, but it never occurred to me. It does now, but I'd rather not reupload it if I don't have to. But there is a reason I don't call her by her name. If the reason is not inferrable, say so and I'll say it. Not like its speshul or secretive, I just want to see if the theme is evident at all.

Jesus. wrote:

It's about a vampire. You know. The kind that are awesome. or at least I think so.

This is a common mistake. Vampires are awesome as antagonists. As protagonists, Sociopathic Complete Monster Assholes are kind of shitty.

They have to have humanity or at least have it seep through. Things, like regret, common sense, a sense of humour.

Couldn't he make some excuse to not be left alone with a child, especially since he said he didn't trust himself? Did he not know that his supply of blood was about to run out?

Is William Dafoe waiting for him on the roof with a shotgun-crossbow? Are we supposed to think that he is an unlikable fuckstick, who just crossed the moral event horizon?

As for the writing, you certainly tried to make it poetic, but I won't touch on that, as I am cynical asshole and so I demand cynical descriptions, but I would really have to object to the usage of first person. It's like someone is standing outside the door to my brain knocking loudly and asking to be let in. Due to reasons mentioned earlier, the main character is an asshole who just murdered a child and his ex, which makes me feel stiff and detached, instead of involved.

It's descriptive enough, and compelling in a way, but I still don't know why a vampire would agree to babysit... especially if he's feeling hungry. If it's a short story, the powers or whatev of the vampire don't really matter, not unless you plan on continuing this with other short stories, or turning this one into a longer one.

I'd have to agree with Psy's summation: it left me feeling more confused about practicality than feeling involved with his moral quandary. Also, I have no idea why he doesn't call her by name, other than it would be awkward to name your meal, to say the least. It's a good way to dehumanize her, so that's good if you're going for "heartless bastard".

Couple other random things:

1.) "They are not the peaceful dead." ~good line
2.) The socks-boots thing.
3.) I like how you made out there was more to her story, but she sort of whoopsie died, and he's vaguely curious as to why she's all disheveled, but he's like, "Oh, well, whatever."

Psy-4 wrote:

Jesus. wrote:

It's about a vampire. You know. The kind that are awesome. or at least I think so.

This is a common mistake. Vampires are awesome as antagonists. As protagonists, Sociopathic Complete Monster Assholes are kind of shitty.

They have to have humanity or at least have it seep through. Things, like regret, common sense, a sense of humour.

Couldn't he make some excuse to not be left alone with a child, especially since he said he didn't trust himself? Did he not know that his supply of blood was about to run out?

Yes yes he could have. I mean, there's no real reason why he couldn't of. I mean, when I originally wrote it, I guess this was supposed to be an unoffficial coming of age to true vampire hood- when he can blend in and be a part of society to a point but still have no real qualms about who he feeds on. I wrote it watching Interview with a Vampire, so I guess thats my "excuse"

There is more to the story though. It has more of a canon than just this. If it matters, the basic rundown is she's a coworker of his at a doctors office that's sleeping with him while she's fighting eliminate her abusive boyfriend from her life. She can barely afford her apartment, so she asked him to do this one favor because, interestingly enough, she trusts him. He's been a vampire for about 20 years, so he thatough he was over this, so yada yada yada he shows up at her house, goes "oh crap", eats the baby, whatever.

Psy-4 wrote:

Is William Dafoe waiting for him on the roof with a shotgun-crossbow? Are we supposed to think that he is an unlikable fuckstick, who just crossed the moral event horizon?

Not... really. I sort of modeled him after a mix of Lestat and Luis, and TBH, I fucking love Lestat, so I guess if Lestat is more unlikeable than otherwise, then I guess so, yeah. I mean, I guess I could have characterized him a bit more interactive, you're right. hat may just be a talent I do not have as yet.

Psy-4 wrote:

As for the writing, you certainly tried to make it poetic, but I won't touch on that, as I am cynical asshole and so I demand cynical descriptions, but I would really have to object to the usage of first person. It's like someone is standing outside the door to my brain knocking loudly and asking to be let in. Due to reasons mentioned earlier, the main character is an asshole who just murdered a child and his ex, which makes me feel stiff and detached, instead of involved.

Decent enough.

Maximilia wrote:

It's descriptive enough, and compelling in a way, but I still don't know why a vampire would agree to babysit... especially if he's feeling hungry. If it's a short story, the powers or whatev of the vampire don't really matter, not unless you plan on continuing this with other short stories, or turning this one into a longer one.

It's a conglomerate of random short stories, but this is the only one I've felt like redoing/proofreading/fixing up/etc. At some point, I'll do the rest or you know, make the rest.

Maximilia wrote:

I'd have to agree with Psy's summation: it left me feeling more confused about practicality than feeling involved with his moral quandary. Also, I have no idea why he doesn't call her by name, other than it would be awkward to name your meal, to say the least. It's a good way to dehumanize her, so that's good if you're going for "heartless bastard".

Well, I mentioned it in another short story that obviously is not here for you, but he's recalling what happened from much later, so he can't really remember her name. He only really remembers the kid's name because she said it all the time. As time (and stories that I'd not yet made) go on, he just forgets their names and goes by what he remembers about people, including some other vampires that he knew.

Also, at some point he stops caring to know names- like you said too awkward to name potential meals. Though he doesn't eat everyone he comes across. He *can* be a contributing member of society, and generally he sort of is in a way. But he's also a vampire and tends to eat people and not really care about what that means for him. Its not malicious intent towards humanity at large, just routine really. I mean, at the point he's telling the story, I guess he's full out "heartless bastard". I'm not trying to make him out to be that way, but I guess a vampire with lessening empathy to human kind would have to be that way unless there's a brilliant author at the helm. Which I am not.

Maximilia wrote:

Couple other random things:

1.) "They are not the peaceful dead." ~good line
2.) The socks-boots thing.
3.) I like how you made out there was more to her story, but she sort of whoopsie died, and he's vaguely curious as to why she's all disheveled, but he's like, "Oh, well, whatever."

1) Gratze. :D
2) Yeah, you'd think I'd have caught that the 50 fucking times I've reread the damn thing.
3) Oh, he knows why she was disheveled. But I didn't want to state it straight out, I sort of wanted to imply it. "Dooming her to infinite deaths" or whatever. Maybe its too vague.