Did you find this review helpful?

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The Internet has given everybody in America a voice. For some reason, everybody decides to use that voice to bitch about movies.

I cam up for the idea for this thread after my brother pointed me in the direction of a film called 'Paranormal Accendancy', which he says should be a lesson to people over how to not make a film.


It took me a while to find it because it is better known by its origional name 3 A.M..

I did what I normally avoid when visiting IMDb: I checked the submitted reviews.

5/10 people found this review helpful:

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this film was totally awful the acting everything was completely awful but hey i liked the first 20mins was interesting i liked it after wasn't good at all just complete waste of time not scary at all what also ways way boring i really don't mind watching low budget films i rent any type of movies ANY I MEAN and this was just waste cant ever you do don't spend your money on this crappy movie

Fuck me! It's like the guy's brain is spilling out onto his keyboard!

There's more...

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if you want more details: Inspired by true events, Michael's friend Kenny reveals that he has a ghost living in his room who stops by every night at 3 A.M.

Good lord! Punctuation! Careful Bigbounce, you don't want to over exert yourself... You've gone one paragraph without any control whatsoever, and now we get a colon, a comma, capital letters and full stops!

He continues:

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Expecting to see nothing but a few tricks, Michael visits the room and experiences otherworldly phenomena that he can't explain. Soon after he seems to be followed by the number 3, appearing everywhere he goes. Intrigued by these events, Michael's younger sister tags along the next day to see the room for herself. Things take a turn for the worse however, as they both find themselves in a place of the dead, with mysterious spirits chasing after them. Michael learns the number 3 is a warning for a long lost love who faces certain doom on September 3rd. Forced to face his past, can he warn her before it's too

That's not a mistake on my part, his review ends right there... That's it...



Bizzare...

So, I herby dedicate this thread to daft film reviews that you may come across in your travels.

The first paragraph and the rest of the review have vastly different punctuation and capitalization. It's obvious that everything after "if you want more details:" was copied and pasted from somewhere else.

I want to know what about this review those five out of ten people found useful. His copy/paste skills?

You read reviews on IMDB? And expected coherent content? Foolish, foolish you.

Rottentomatoes ftw.

Aggie wrote:

You read reviews on IMDB? And expected coherent content? Foolish, foolish you.

Yeah, pretty much this.

The Bloggosphere nature of the internet has given everyone a voice. But that also means every uneducated, knee-jerk reactionary has a say.

Not to mention every knee-jerk, uneducated Marxist.

InkWeaver wrote:

Rottentomatoes ftw.

I've lost faith in the Tomatometer since I saw Hamlet 2 on it's recommendation.

gaijinguy wrote:

InkWeaver wrote:

Rottentomatoes ftw.

I've lost faith in the Tomatometer since I saw Hamlet 2 on it's recommendation.

omg wut

this is not okay

Amazon also allows people to do DVD reviews, and it's a mess. I know I've looked at some of the reviews on there, and the public reviews on IMDB, and most of them don't really tell me anything about the movie or why I should be interested in seeing it.

I tend to stick with the mainstream movie reviewers. First of all, most of them have degrees in journalism and know how to write a proper movie review (which consists of more than just saying whether or not you liked the movie). If they do or don't like it, they tell you why, and they're also willing to admit that their taste may not be the same as other people's. I'm also am more likely to listen to people I know. Mainstream reviews and my son Morgan's opinion (because we have fairly similar taste in movies) have led me to decide that 'Alice in Wonderland' is not worth shelling out $9 for.

And just for the record, Johnny Depp as The Mad Hatter looks like the bastard love child of Carrot Top and Bozo the Clown.

I remember a guy who was a huge fan of BTAS reviewing the Batman: Mask of the Phantasm DVD on Amazon from memory of having seen it during its initial run in theaters and hating it.

He claimed that Harley Quinn was "a lot less funny than usual" (she wasn't even in the movie) and that the Joker was "too grim and depressing". Also, IIRC he complained about characters' appearances randomly changing in different scenes, when this was meant to indicate a flashback was taking place.
His main beef, however, was one that makes me facepalm like no review I've ever read (except maybe that one review of Antichrist, and Ebert's review of Hellraiser where he complains about the film not explaining things that it did explain) - he stated that the idea of Bruce falling in love completely went against the idea of Batman and that the writers obviously had no idea what made the character tick by giving him a romance story... when the whole conflict of the film was Bruce not wanting to fall in love because he knows it completely goes against the idea of Batman.

tl;dr: Don't write full, serious film reviews-and-critiquings from memory 15 years after you last saw the movie.

Chris91 wrote:

Not to mention every knee-jerk, uneducated Marxist.

OK, I AM TIRED OF THIS.

CAN WE PLEASE STOP THROWING AROUND THE TERMS "MARXISM," "SOCIALISM," AND "COMMUNISM" LIKE EVERY KNEE-JERK, UNEDUCATED GLENN BECK JUNKIE?

/inurthreads,derailingthemwithrighteousrage

Rabid Badger wrote:

And just for the record, Johnny Depp as The Mad
Hatter looks like the bastard love child of Carrot Top and Bozo the
Clown.

BUT THAT'S WHAT MAKES HIM HOT. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Kitbug wrote:

Chris91 wrote:

Not to mention every knee-jerk, uneducated Marxist.

OK, I AM TIRED OF THIS.

CAN WE PLEASE STOP THROWING AROUND THE TERMS "MARXISM," "SOCIALISM," AND "COMMUNISM" LIKE EVERY KNEE-JERK, UNEDUCATED GLENN BECK JUNKIE?

You forgot Nazism.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE. I FOUND A MOVIE REVIEW THAT NEEDS TO BE LOL'D AT.

As most of you probably know, Rotten Tomatoes has posted a list of all the worst movies made from 2000 to 2009. Most of them were movies I had never heard of (probably because they were so bad) and movies that were very mainstream and very, very awful. What I wasn't expecting to see on the was the 2004 American-made animu Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie. It gets a whopping 5%. I also wasn't expecting any review of it to be favorable, but WOW. Let's take a look at what makes it so bad, shall we?

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Genre: Education/General Interest

Um, what? Please be explaining to me just what about this movie is educational or interesting to the general public.

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Consensus: Don't watch the TV show or play the card game? Then this movie is not for you.

NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. There's a REASON this was marketed toward 8-year-old boys.

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Synopsis: The plot concerns teenage gaming wizard Yugi Muto (vocalized by Dan Stuart) who,

Ignoring the that fact that the word you're looking for is "voiced", who the hell is Dan Stuart?

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Starring: Dan Green, Wayne Grayson, Eric Stuart, Darren Dunstan

NOPE. NOWHERE IN THE CAST LISTING HERE.

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...teenage gaming wizard Yugi Muto (vocalized by Dan Stuart) who, having merged forces with an Egyptian pharaoh since he solved his grandfather's cosmic puzzle, now rules the universe as the king of "Duel Monsters" card players.

...

Fandom jokes about Time Lord Yugi aside, I got nothin'.

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Meanwhile the evil Egyptian god Annubis has been wakened from centuries of sleep and is slipping hot cards to Yugi's arch rival Kaiba (Eric Stuart) in an underhanded bid to destroy the earth.

1. You mean millennia, right?
2. This sounds kinky.
3. That's... actually pretty accurate there in terms of plot. Seriously, what WAS that guy supposed to be doing?

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Robots, knights, sphinxes, a plethora of different dragons, wizards, cute girls, and even clowns get in on the act--appearing, battling, merging, exploding, and dissolving as the labyrinthine rules of the game dictate.

Yes. Go on.

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Some expository encapsulations are provided for the newcomer, which is good, as fans will be too busy cheering at all the monsters, explosions, bodily humor, strategizing, and teasing put-downs to explain the finer points of the dueling system.

You're kidding, right? The theaters were giving out complimentary cards to all the people who bought tickets. That, and they DID explain the cards. In excruciating detail. To the point that people who didn't play the game kinda fell asleep or went cross-eyed. Really, who the hell went to see that movie and DIDN'T have either a pack of cards in their pocket or a child in tow?

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The film also serves as an unveiling of several important cards no serious player can afford to be without. Some of the flashing light effects and monster-style violence may be a bit much for very young and/or epileptic viewers.

You've been living in a box, haven't you?

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Rated: PG

You didn't read the rating, either, did you?

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Director: Ryusoke Takahashi

OH, IT WAS JUST ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE JAP GUYS HURR HURR!!1

Did you mean this man? If so, you're still wrong because that's the creator of the series, not the movie director.


Seriously, if you're going to give a review to a godawful movie, at least get your facts straight.

Kitbug wrote:

Chris91 wrote:

Not to mention every knee-jerk, uneducated Marxist.

OK, I AM TIRED OF THIS.

CAN WE PLEASE STOP THROWING AROUND THE TERMS "MARXISM," "SOCIALISM," AND "COMMUNISM" LIKE EVERY KNEE-JERK, UNEDUCATED GLENN BECK JUNKIE?

/inurthreads,derailingthemwithrighteousrage

Rabid Badger wrote:

And just for the record, Johnny Depp as The Mad
Hatter looks like the bastard love child of Carrot Top and Bozo the
Clown.

BUT THAT'S WHAT MAKES HIM HOT. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I bet you've dated some interesting people in your life, haven't you?

Not a soul. :Db

Tip o' the dog-eared cashiers du cinema to spEak You're bRanes for this one

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Rubbish
This film was rubbish as it was in french and i am english!!!!!!
chelsea

And as Nelson replies:

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Tell me about it. Just last night, I saw a film that was 104 minutes long whereas I’m 6′2″.

Rabid Badger wrote:

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Quote :

And just for the record, Johnny Depp as The Mad
Hatter looks like the bastard love child of Carrot Top and Bozo the
Clown.

BUT THAT'S WHAT MAKES HIM HOT. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I bet you've dated some interesting people in your life, haven't you?

If you think Johnny Depp as The Mad Hatter in that film was bizarre... I fear for your head were you ever to run into my fandom.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Carrot Top and Bozo the Clown.

Anyone else imagine slashfic about these two?

KJM wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

Carrot Top and Bozo the Clown.

Anyone else imagine slashfic about these two?

Imagine, hell; the mere fact I mentioned it most likely resulted in it coming into existence.

Rabid Badger wrote:

KJM wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

Carrot Top and Bozo the Clown.

Anyone else imagine slashfic about these two?

Imagine, hell; the mere fact I mentioned it most likely resulted in it coming into existence.

I really cannot the describe the sound I just made, but I imagine it was almost like a banshee.

Amazon's one-star reviews for the original version of Rollerball are entertaining to read. As I write this there are nineteen. Of those, seven are entirely about the 2002 remake, one is a complaint that the DVD (apparently ordered from a Marketplace reseller) has not arrived, one is a complaint that there is no "special edition" DVD available in the US, and one is apparently a review of Road to Perdition.