In Which MPreg Goes A Step Too Far

The Gift

Now, I must say, after getting into this fandom, finding badfic is like finding a raccoon in a garbage can; way too easy and besides that, what the hell am I even going to do with the raccoon after I find it? You can't eat them and they have rabies.

But, really, just because its too easy, doesn't mean it's not fun to shove your hated enemy into the garbage can with the raccoon. Or your friends. Whoever is close enough at hand.

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Beyond the far reaches of the galaxy, there was a small planet called Tolkiena. Isolated from most of the other worlds surrounding it, the people who lived there were mostly magicians, musicians, and artisans. The Similarians were a kind hearted people, but because of their pacifist nature, they kept to themselves; never wanting anything to do with the ravages of war. Due to their neutrality, they had little or no dealings with their allies. So even though they were part of the Federation, they rarely contacted them for anything unless it was an emergency.

So, the writer has apparently decided that instead of using one of the fifty-million planets refernced to in the Trekverse, or making one up, they're going to put some half-assed version of Lord of the Rings in. In Star Trek.

Because there are elves in space. They keep the leprachauns company.

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The talented Dr. Leonard Horatio McCoy was the only one Archer trusted enough to save Queen Selena.

"Selena". Yeah, that fits right in with names in the author's Tolkien world, "Tolkiena", names like "Galadarial", "Frodo", "Samwise", "Aragorn". I totally see a beautiful elf with long flowing hair and pretty shoes named Selena.

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Although they were wary of the strangers, they knew they had little choice but to put their faith in the Federation’s medicine man. Their own physicians had tried to find out what was plaguing Queen Selena but her illness was beyond their medical knowledge.

Wait, so is the author going for "noble savages" or "modern metropolis" here? McCoy is a "medicine man", but their own doctors are "physicians". Do they consider Star Fleet noble savages and themselves civilized?

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“She has been experiencing extreme fatigue, malaise, unexplained fevers, chills, arthritis, and hair loss,” Sparrow said, wondering if this young man could truly save their queen.

You're not doing what I think you're doing, you're not. Also, I love how the people who use the term "medicine man" also use the terms "malaise" and "arthritis". Shouldn't that be "she feels the bad spirits hovering over her" and "old one's pain"?

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“She has lupus,” Leonard said.

We're not going there.

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“But it’s never lupus!” Chapel exclaimed

And we went there.

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[...]remembering what the legendary Gregory House’s books used to said about once fatal illness. He was a hero to them both and she was surprised that a disease that House had obliterated centuries ago had found it’s way to Tolkiena.

Let's just make sure everyone got the joke and drive the point home. Okay, so far, I've spotted Tolkien and House references. She can't add any more at this point without fic implosion. We're still in first chapter for chrissakes.

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Using his magic, he looked deep inside the healer’s hearts. Finding only anguish there from the loss of his daughter, Joanna, due to a bitter divorce; the counselor frowned. The man’s heart was in pieces and now Sparrow knew a way to piece it back together. Summoning all of his power, he granted Leonard’s secret desire. Little did the doctor know what the old man had been up to or he would have never let the man touch him.

"Leonard's secret desire". This phrase worries me.

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Unfortunately, the Enterprise was called upon for another mission. Not wanting them to be too far away from the queen in case they were needed, Star Fleet ordered them to survey the planets in the Hobtonian System.

So what is this referencing? The amount of borrowing in this fic is really bugging me. She trying to establish some geek cred or something? "Look, look, see how nerdy I am?! I know Tolkien and I quote House and I put them in Trek fic! Now you all know how awesome I am and how awesome my fic will be! I don't have one original thought in my head!"

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McCoy battle with his own illness began. Not only was he waking up most mornings nauseous, but he was also struggling with dizzy spells. Figuring he was coming down with the flu, Leonard ignored his symptoms and continued his workaholic behavior. He was doing fine hiding his sickness until one day things fell apart.

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Bad fanbrat, bad. We do not knock up the least likely character to put up with it. Especially not by Elf Magic in Space.He didn't even get any sex out of it. Just some weird hand-molesting by a lackey named "Sparrow" who'd seen too many years of hard road and Twagic!Sue royals.

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“According to my tricorder, he’s pregnant,” he exclaimed, wondering if it was broken.

“Doctor, that is scientifically impossible. A human male is incapable of carrying offspring,” Spock said.

Not when you have Elf Magic in Space! Elf Magic in Space can do anything! It can cure herpes, it can wash your ship, it can make you popular, and it can defy laws of biology and anatomy set in place by our evolution over the past few million years! Elf Magic in Space is not available in any store, only through this special online offer! And if you order in the next ten minutes, we'll even throw in a complimentary leprechaun!

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“You aren’t sick,” M’Benga said, wondering how his boss would handle being pregnant.

With a coat hanger.

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Since serving on the Enterprise, he only got to talk to Joanna through videos and letters; something he would always lament. Now that he was pregnant, Leonard wondered if he truly deserved the baby growing inside of him. The one thing he did know was that he was keeping the child. He might have been a terrible father to Joanna, but this little one was his second chance at being the dad he always wanted to be.

"I'm going to have a baby on a starship that regularly gets attacked and loses crew members. In fact, even I've been attacked, and as a CMO who regularly goes planetside, I'm actually at constant risk of death or exposure to a number of foreign pathogens that could make me dangerously insane or put me in a vegetative state or give me amnesia. I'm going to be the most awesome, responsible dad ever!"

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“Marry me,” Kirk said out of the blue.

What?

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“What?!” Leonard exclaimed, questioning his friend’s sanity.

Yeah, what the fuck?

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"Damn it, Bones, I asked you to marry me,” the young captain said, wanting to do the right thing.

“Are you asking me because you love me or because you have some warped sense of duty?” Leonard asked.

“I just know what it’s like to have a parent who isn’t there for you. I want the baby to have the family I never had,” Kirk admitted.

"Hey Bones, let's get married so that I can use you and your unborn child to feel like I have a family, even though I don't actually love you that way at all, and I'd be the worst father ever, as my Alpha Universe counterpart already proved." (Does anyone here actually think Kirk would even really want kids? Anyone?)

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As the gentle swell of Leonard’s belly became larger, the more suitors the doctor seemed to have. It seemed as if being pregnant was some sort of aphrodisiac for the men of the Enterprise. Kirk may have been the first to propose marriage to him, but he hadn’t been the last. There was something about McCoy’s condition that brought out the chivalrous nature in his fellow officers. Unfortunately, even though he tried to avoid them by any means necessary, they always seem to find him.

Yes, single pregnant women surely do have a plethora of good dependeable men wanting to step up and be a father. That sure is Reality Land right there. I can see how it would also prove true for pregnant men. It certainly wouldn't weird anyone out.

Well, beyond a marriage proposal from Spock, which was as boring as the rest of this fic, this ends Part One.

Couldn't resist.

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I don't quite know what this is.

Damn you, Nihilist! You made me snort Pepsi out my nose!

Just...no. I only tolerate MPREG in extremely rare cases, but the last person in the world who'd want to get pregnant would be Leonard McCoy. I'm sure technology in that era is advanced enough that they'd have a way to safely and painlessly remove the fetus without having to operate (if they could do it to the alien baby Gwen was carrying in Torchwood, they can do it in Star Trek).

I... I had to:

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"Marry me," Caprice said out of the blue.

"What?" Lapin exclaimed, questioning her friend's sanity."

And in this exhibit we see how yet another fanfic author tragically fails to realize that there is in fact a difference between fanservice through subtle inside joke-type references and clobbering the readers over the head with a stick of DURHURR LOOK HOW META I BE DON'T THAT MEAN I SMERT? HAND OVER THE LOVIN' NAO

Byyyyy the way, if the not-so-savage nobles or whatever they are can look deep into a person's "hearts"--despite said person having only one heart--and then make a man pregnant with their zomg magic!, don't you think they'd be able to heal their freakin' queen?

Unless it was all a trap and they want McCoy to give birth to their alien freakazoid Messiah who will bring like... cookies and destruction and stuff!

Nihilist wrote:

Couldn't resist.

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LOL. That's more like McCoy.

Caprice wrote:

"Marry me," Caprice said out of the blue.

"What?" Lapin exclaimed, questioning her friend's sanity."

No, really, that's crazy. I'll totally say yes though if I get to wear a pretty dress!

You can wear the prettiest dress.

Part 2! And upward and onward to Part 2! If possible, this is about to get worse. There is now a very angry ferret in the garbage can with the rabid raccoon.

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Placing his hands on his ever expanding stomach, Leonard felt his child kick. Smiling lovingly, the young doctor began to sing a sweet lullaby to his little boy. As his beautiful tenor voice filled the small office, he didn’t notice that someone had overrode his privacy code.
“You have a vonderful singing voice, doctor,” Chekov said, letting his presence be known to the other man.

Not only are we going down the MPreg Highway, there was an accident and we have to take a detour on Jailbait Rd.

But let's focus on McCoy lovingly singing a lullaby to his pregnant belly. I want you to think about that sentence. Is it starting to burn? Because its burning for me.

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The kid was sweet but he knew that an instant family wasn’t what he needed. Besides, if the rumors going around the ship were true, Sulu was about to sweep Pavel Chekov off his feet. He had a feeling the pilot would be a better match for the teen. He knew that he wouldn’t be the one to make Pavel happy. Beside, he saw him as more of a son than a lover.

Let's just gloss over the part where the kid is seventeen. Oh, and let's insert a none-too-subtle "I ship this too". Pet peeve, right there. If it has no reference to the current plotline, it should not be put in. This whole scene feels like it was just a trick to let everyone know that Chekov/Sulu is her OTP. Well, I say trick, but the awkwardness and sheer weirdness that it involved made it less of a trick and more of someone smacking you in the head with a textbook while screeching "HAHA I HIT YOU!"

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Perhaps it was because Scotty was the only one not running around trying to make a fool of himself in front of Leonard. Instead, he provided a shoulder to cry on or a ear to listen whenever his pregnancy hormones got too much for him.

McCoy has pregnancy hormones, and they make him sad and weepy and Scotty is there for him to cry with. How sweet.

I feel like that textbook is still hitting me in the head. Only its been hitting me a little too hard and I can only hear the maniacal laughter of a fanbrat as she coos at how sweet McCoy's pregnancy hormones make him.

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Slowly making his way to Scotty’s office, Leonard wished he could have just one drink. Since he had found out he was pregnant, he had put his beloved alcohol away.

I could go with Magic Elves in Space. I could laugh at Magic Pregnancy. I could giggle at Spock finding McCoy's pregnancy hot.

But McCoy putting away the bourbon?

That's just crazy talk.

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Ever since he had found out he was pregnant, Leonard had promised he wouldn’t make the same mistakes he did with Joanna. He knew the divorce had been hard on the little girl and so he made to the decision to raise his son alone. This way his little David would never have to deal with the loss of a parent. Unfortunately, his heart had betrayed him, by falling in love with a man who couldn’t possibly love him back.

Perhaps it was better for him that his feelings would never be returned. He could keep his promise to his son and he would never again have to feel the pain of heartbreak. Determined to keep his little crush under wraps, the doctor vowed that Scotty would never learn of his feelings.

And cue the script for Angsty Unrequited Crush! Make sure the character with the crush is a grown man who would never be a weepy chick, and then turn him into one! Make sure the crush is actually experiencing the same thing and has no idea the other is in love with him! And never ever forget to completely slaughter their beloved traits and charcteristics of being happy drunks who share a sense of humor while still running one of the most technologically advanced ships in the universe!

That's how you write a good cheap drama that take absolutely no effort and attempts to work out a real plot!

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The next morning, he made no mention of his sudden departure from Engineering and Scotty couldn’t help but worry about his young friend.

How old is McCoy again? I figured he and Scotty were the same age. To the Wiki!

Well, the Wiki says Mccoy was born in 2227 and Scotty was born in 2222. I assume this hasn't changed much in the reboot. That's only 5 years, and since McCoy is 39 and Scotty is 44 at the start of the original series, they probably don't think much about their age difference at the point. Big diff between the five-year age difference of 16 and 21, but the difference between 39 and 44? That's really not noticeable.

Oh oops, I'm thinking like an adult and not a teenager! Sorry, so sorry! Here, let me put on my teenager thinking hat.

Oh wooowwwww, five years is such a big age difference to men in their thirties and forties, and they sure do still behave like silly teenagers, and not like adults who have been in many relationships by now, including a marriage for at least one, and they know nothing about how to tell if someone else is interested!

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“Why not?” she asked, pouting at the fact she couldn’t play matchmaker.

Oh, wait, the writer forgot to kill Uhura's awesomeness, she'd better get right on that!

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“What?!” Uhura exclaimed. She couldn’t believe that Scotty thought they were dating. Grant it, McCoy was a handsome looking man, but it the gorgeous blond nurse that he worked with who piqued her interest.

Everyone's gay in Star Trek! Even the women! (Hey, at least she's an equal opportunity slasher)

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Scotty had been in love with the doctor for quite awhile now. In fact, he fell head over heels the moments he looked into Leonard McCoy’s beautiful hazel eyes. He always thought that love at first sight was just a fairytale parents told their kids while tucking them in at night, but standing there on the bridge, dripping wet, Scotty felt himself draw to the man.

This fic has officially been bitten by the Poisonous Snake of Fail.

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With each day that passed without Scotty, McCoy steadily started to become depressed. Moping around his quarters, it took Kirk the promise of chocolate ice cream smoothed in peanut butter to lure him outside. When he finally got Bones to join him the mess hall, he sat there looking like the last rose of summer. Seeing the hurt look in the doctor’s hazel eyes, the young captain sighed.

He's pregnant! He has cravings! See how well she knows pregnant people!

Mcoy being described as "the last rose of summer" actually made my head a little explode-y.

Okay, out of pity and my own headache, I'm not going to post the courtship of Scotty and Bones in this fic. Suffice to say, it is sacchirine and overwhelmingly stupid. And disappointingly PG. I was hoping for some bad pregnancy slash porn, because that would have been downright hysterical.

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Summoning his magic, he blessed Leonard once more. In seven months time, the doctor would receive yet another gift. This time it would be a little girl with McCoy’s eyes and Scotty’s smile. The two would never know how the doctor was able to have another baby but they would welcome little Leana into their lives none-the-less.

What the fuck is with this dude?! Does he just randomly prance around impregnating visiting aliens? Is he trying to raise some magical MPreg army of Elves in Space? *Gasp* That's his evil plan! It has been all along! An MPreg army, ready to break the leprachaun resistance so that they will once more become the working subclass to the Magic Elves in Space!

It's diabolical!

Thus ends the saga of "The Gift". It has Magic in Space!

Nihilist wrote:

Couldn't resist.

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(Insert sound of a man laughing so hard he throws up)

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] . . . I . . . what the . . . what the fucking fuck?

Magical space elves randomly impregnating people? Bones getting knocked up and falling in twu wuv with Scotty? Why in the name of zombie Jesus was this piece of shit written?

This isn't even my fandom. I feel for the people whose it is.

You know, don't people have to be discreet about relationships in the military? Frat regs and such? It's a big part of Joe fandom, but even the canon couples there keep things quiet and put the mission first. And they're not thousands of light years away from earth or being exposed to dangerous alien pathogens. Yet Bones gets a bun in the lack-of-oven, and suddenly the entire crew is slavering after him.

No. NO. I realize there's no abortion in ficland, but seriously, this is beyond insane. The Enterprise is no place to raise a kid. Even bringing the child to term could seriously rip the hell out of a guy's innards, presuming he had the equipment in the first place. Even if he did, you stop in at the nearest friendly planet and get that kid adopted and as far away from failing deflector shields and hostile alien warfare as possible.

*bows head* Ladies and gentlemen of Why God Why, we are gathered here today to mourn the death of Logic in Fiction. Mr. In Fiction, a scion of the great Logic family, passed away today at the age of four thousand seven hundred after being nibbled to death by hundreds of thousands of fanbrats. The culprits have not yet been apprehended, but we as mourners look forward to their inevitable death by flaming. Mr. In Fiction is survived by his brother In Mathematics, as well his twin children In Philosophy and In Science, who sadly could not be with us today as they are fighting their own battle with mass degenerative stupidity. We wish them the best.

Tungsten Monk wrote:

This isn't even my fandom. I feel for the people whose it is.

What's bad is that I actually ship this pairing. Imagine my pain. She trashed my fandom and one of my favorite pairings.

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You know, don't people have to be discreet about relationships in the military? Frat regs and such?

It really depends on the unit to tell the truth. I've gone to many family days in which I get introduced to someone and their partner. Other units have kicked out people after finding out.

Lapin wrote:

And never ever forget to completely slaughter their beloved traits and charcteristics of being happy drunks who share a sense of humor while still running one of the most technologically advanced ships in the universe!

Goddamnit, now I wanna see Bones and Scotty getting slowly wasted and then having fumbly drunken sex.

Tungsten Monk wrote:

You know, don't people have to be discreet about relationships in the military?

It's a bit different in Star Trek, especially by the time Next Generation rolls around. The usual complications that come with getting involved with your direct superior/inferior are addressed in a couple of episodes but there's no outright ban on getting involved with a crewmate.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Lapin wrote:

And never ever forget to completely slaughter their beloved traits and charcteristics of being happy drunks who share a sense of humor while still running one of the most technologically advanced ships in the universe!

Goddamnit, now I wanna see Bones and Scotty getting slowly wasted and then having fumbly drunken sex.

Now I kind of want to write that...I have to shovel snow first, but I might do that.

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“I would like to study you closely,” Spock said.

“Are you coming on to me?

Amazing. She's illiterate in at least three fandoms, and manages to insult them and her reader equally.

Why do I get the impression after reading this turgid tale, that for example, either Nomad, a Doomsday Machine, or a Fabrini Generation ship suddenly turns up within said star system, & is on course to destroy the planet, for various reasons, & the crew of the Enterprise has to stop it from occouring, would be a profound improvement...