The CD-i, a masterpiece in modern gaming

Horray for first topic!:wooper:

Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to take a moment to remember the past; to remember the classic games that bring a tear to our eye when we remember the good ol' days. Remember the joy, the excitement, the laughter, the screams (both good and bad), the frustration, the rage, and the broken controller thrown at the floor when you just couldn't get Link to face the wall properly because the camera angle was fucked. In our hindsight, we recognize that some, or all of the games we played when we were younger were not the most well-made games of all time. Yeah yeah, Goldeneye was too easy, Diddy Kong Racing was too hard, Dr. Mario was boring, Metal Gear Solid was (is) poorly written, and the graphics in Ocarina of Time were downright horrendous at times. (re: the entire Zora tribe) However, I believe that I have found the worst, the most horrific game of the century and perhaps of all time.

Everybody who is not acquainted, meet the CD-i.
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The actual console itself does not look particularly horrific; it looks vaguely Sega-ish with its flat top and black exterior. The controller, on the other hand, looks painful. Seriously, what the fuck is that thing? It looks like a beta-Nintendo product that the entire company designed while high, and released as an April Fool's joke. For those who don't know, the CD-i is actually a joint-company product released by Sega and Nintendo. Both companies actually try and hide the fact that this system exists because they're afraid it would ruin their reputation if word got out about their freak-mutant child.

Alright, so there's the console, and we're not off to a GREAT start. Nintendo and Sega hook up in a bar and pop this puppy out hoping to cash in on some easy money and go off to design revolutionary gaming consoles with a nice fat reputation to sit on.

But what about the games? I'm not here to rip on the CD-i itself now am I?
The CD-i was released with a multitude of games, 3 of which are the most notable games from that time period. The 3 games in question are actually part of the Zelda series, namely: The Wand of Gamelon, The Faces of Evil, and Zelda's Adventure. These games are recognized for having the worst cut-scenes on the planet and generally known for being just plain godawful games. I implore you all to check this link out; if you haven't seen it, you should and if you already have, it's absolutely hilarious to watch again. This is the games opening cut-scene, so we're off to a REALLY bad start.

Alright alright, I know you're all thinking "That's not fair you can't judge a game on its cut-scenes!" Okay fine! Let's go through this game step by step shall we?

Plot:

Link is bored one day and wishes Ganon would try and take over the world again. Lo and behold, disaster strikes! An unnamed NPC who we've never met before in the series flies in on a magic carpet telling the King that Ganon has struck again. Mr. Flying Carpet conjures up a magical scroll with gibberish written on it, and tells Link he needs to save the world. Zelda acts like a bitch and Link flies away with Mr. Flying Carpet to the magical mountains of madness. Link must now conquer the "Faces of Evil" which is basically a funny-shaped mountain range with faces crudely hacked into them. Then Link throws a book at Ganon, capturing him ~*FOREVER*~ or until the next game.
Sounds intellectual. Let's move on shall we.

Graphics:

It's a side-scroller, but that doesn't give the game developers an excuse to not try. The backgrounds are indistinguishable from the actual path, are incredibly boring, contain no depth, and are REALLY REALLY hard to determine where the fuck the path is leading. FOR EXAMPLE. They also look like they were hand-drawn with crayons by a four year old.

Music: Horrendous. Ambient noises meet .MIDI files. Seriously, it's like screeches fit to a tune.

Gameplay:
...is not helped by the absolute failure of a controller you are provided with. The controls are as following: side to side to move, push up to jump and go into doors, and A to stab, talk to people, use an object, and advance text. So really, the entire game can be summed up by: pushing side to side, up occasionally to not die from falling, and stabbing anything that isn't part of the background. Believe me, you will WANT to talk to every NPC in the game. Every character you talk to initiates a short cut-scene with their mishapped, cartoon alter ego who will talk to you while flailing their arms around and usually morphing their face once a while as well.

Also: this is the only game in the Zelda series where Link can talk. Nintendo corrected this in future games because they realized Link sounds like a total fucking moron whenever he opens his misshapen mouth.

This is ALSO the only game in the Zelda series which is so BAD in every single aspect that there is no drive to actually finish the game. Various characters are shoehorned in just to make players believe the shit they're playing is actually Zelda. Zelda makes an appearance in the beginning, but only to be a bitch to Link.

So there you have it folks, the Faces of Evil. I'm assuming most of you already know about the CD-i and its wonders, but I a) love talking to nobody about how horrible these games are and b) felt obliged to inform (hopefully) more people of the train wreck known as the CD-i. So yeah. Tell me if I missed anything vitally important y'all.

Cool game brah.
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Not an actual screenshot, but hilarious nonetheless

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: ALL TOASTERS TOAST TOAST.

Finally, they made a game that features a womaxxn as a killing badass. And they even took my name. How much do you think I can sue Nintendo for? What ever I get, it'll be sure to harm the patriarchy.

Waffles wrote:

Finally, they made a game that features a womaxxn as a killing badass. And they even took my name. How much do you think I can sue Nintendo for? What ever I get, it'll be sure to harm the patriarchy.

Too bad that:

1. The game sucks.

2. Metroid beat it to the punch.

I lol'd mightily when I saw the Angry Video Game Nerd reviews for this, and I am not even that much of a fan of AVGN in particular. I just... I don't know how something SO BAD can be made. What made them think this was an okay product?

Mafiosa wrote:

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: ALL TOASTERS TOAST TOAST.

NICE OF THE PRINCESS TO INVITE US OVER FOR A PICNIC, GAY LUIGI?

Quote :

The CD-i, a masterpiece in modern gaming

AS THE RESULT OF THIS MACHINE, I WOULD LIKE TO PARTICIPATE IN ARCHAIC GAMING, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So the CD-i format made it to the U.S then...?
The CD-Interactive format (CD-i) was created by Philips, in the late 1980's, although it licensed games from Sega & Nintendo...
Philips itself had released in Europe, during the early 1980's, the G7000 console, which used cartridges called Infopaks, & had a membrane keyboard on the front of the console, & the CD-i was regarded as a successor to said console...
Unfortunately, the CD-i was released around the same time, that Commodore released it's Amiga based CD-64 system, that also commercially flopped...
Coupled with this, was Philip's insistance on "edutainment" software, & the high cost of the system itself (some £400 pounds)...
Compared to systems such as the Nintendo's SNES & Sega's Megadrive/Genesis games systems, the CD-i, was a poor & expensive second choice, compared to the above, & once the CD addons appeared, or in the case of the Sony/Nintendo's collabrative effort, Playstation (intended for the SNES), almost appeared, for said systems, it was in effect "game over" for Cd-i.
The last CD-i systems released in Europe, during the early 1990's, were also capable of playing VCD's, & Photo CD formats, & were promoted as CD/VCD Players, that could play videogames, though at this point, it was too late to save it..

Yeah, it made it to the US. It's synonymous with awful on this continent.

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

Quote :

The CD-i, a masterpiece in modern gaming

AS THE RESULT OF THIS MACHINE, I WOULD LIKE TO PARTICIPATE IN ARCHAIC GAMING, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

May I offer you an invitation to a round of Cupid's Coming, Blindman's Wand, or Deerstalker? I realize that these are children's games, but the very idea that someone might be tempted to consort with the Devil and his witchcraft is appalling and I will offer you any alternative possible.