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 Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really.

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rae
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Jay/Cris
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Jay/Cris
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Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 36
Location : A´dam.

Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. Empty
PostSubject: Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really.   Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. EmptyWed Oct 21, 2009 5:09 pm

The thing about Dawn Gets Dirty is that, back then, it seemed so goddamn innocent. Here I was, all young and untarnished, just browsing through the Golden Oldies of the orange board, and I found one dealing with the fandom I was absolutely rabid over. Hurrah! The story's summary followed:

Explanatory quote-title is explanatory: the summary in question wrote:
After Dawn is caught peeping Willow`s and Tara’s dirty games she is invited to join in…


Just your average lesbianism, you’d think, right? I mean, sure, Dawn might be underage but perhaps the ‘fic is set a few years in the future, so it’s all good.

BUT IT WAS NOT ALL GOOD.

NOT GOOD wrote:
Pairing: Tara / Willow / Dawn (scat, ws, FFf, oral, fist)

Never mind the fact that, somehow, warnings are a pairing. These particular… ‘labels’ should’ve been enough to put me off the ‘fic entirely. I was no rookie: I knew this ‘fic has nothing to do with improvised vocal jazz and that there would be absolutely nothing Work-Safe about it. Nevertheless, I had to proceed. The result was that curiosity didn’t only slaughter this cool cat, but also his appetite. And his libido. For at least a year.
This was, oh, four, maybe five years ago? Way back when, this was the only ‘fic that skeeved the crap out of me. Not Celebrian, not Agony in Pink, no. This nugget right here. Back then, I could at least feign ignorance. I could legitimately say that I didn’t fully know what I’d be wading into.
Now, I don’t have the excuse. The only reason I’m embarking on this suicide mission into the land of coprophilia is because I love you all so much. Because, whatever else this is, the ‘fic is worth its Golden Oldie status.

The premise is simple, yet effective. Dawn is bored and horny, a combination that happens surprisingly often with teenagers. She shares a home with two lesbian witches. Lesbian witches undoubtedly have lots and lots of loud of sex when they think there's an empty house, so, when you just come home from school and you hear your housemates going at it, there is an obvious solution to the horniness: watch them through the keyhole. So far, so suspend-your-disbelief-possible. (Except the whole keyhole thing: I never figured that. Keyhole are tiny. How can you satisfyingly watch something through that? I mean, I could assume the author meant it symbolically, seeing Dawn’s past as the Key, but because I’m a mean, vile person, I will not do that.)

Lovingly setting the scene, the author wrote:
In great expectation now [Dawn] slowly and quietly opened the house door and sneaked into the house. She quickly undressed her jacket, then her sport shoes. An intense sweaty smell came to her nose, she inhaled and smiled. She liked her smell and with a content view she realized that her once white socks were dirty grey and soaked wet. Just like her pussy.[...] She undressed [her white slip] and put it to her nose. The sweet and sour aroma of her pussy-


Just like Chinese food.

Quote :
She smiled horny putting her middle finger between her ass cheeks and rubbed slowly over her asshole. She put the finger back to her nose and inhaled the intense smell, then licked it clean.


As you do.
Oh yeah. That first pang of profound disgust. I just felt it.

Anyway. Dawn sneaks upstairs and peeps. (I didn’t see any voyeurism-tag in the disclaimer, did you?) Willow is performing some lesbianism on Tara, who’s close to climax. Yes. Familiar territory. PWP right back on track.
BUT THEN.

Quote :
“Willow, please, you have to stop!”
“What? Why? No, let me finish you.” Willow had stopped licking her and sat up, too, looking quite annoyed.
“I.. I.. need to…”, started Tara.
“You need what?”
“I.. I have to go to the toilet…”, she said shyly. “If you made me come I fear I couldn´t keep it in…”
“You know Tara, I like all what flows of your sweet pussy!


Unfortunate menstruation implications aside, I’m letting myself be lured into a false sense of jadedness. Seen this all before.
BUT NOT SO FAST, BUSTER!
PLOT TWIST:

Quote :
[Willow says:] “And it turned me so horny… So let it flow again, please!”
“It´s… it´s not only…”, [Tara] tried to search for words, blushed deeper and turned her head down, her long blonde [blonde? Really? I'd always pegged Tara more as auburn, or brown, but...] hair falling into her face.
“Oh, you have to take a shit…”
Tara nodded. “So, can I go, please?”
She started to lift of the bed but Willow grabbed her arm and pulled her back.
“No.”


Willow perkily suggests that Tara take care of the urge on the bed. Tara raises a very valid point:

The voice of reason wrote:
“The pillow. It´s my favourite!”


Willow puts her foot down. UNSANITARY THINGS HAPPEN.

Quote :
Dawn, listening to Taras ass music started to giggle. The common reflex: Hear a fart, laugh out loud. She quickly pressed the hand that before stuck in her pussy on her mouth and tried to shut herself up. It was not easy, her luck that Tara was louder than her, letting out a third one. All good things are three.


Ass music. Ass music. And it’s not even used as a description for that stupid She Wolf-song.
Also, all good things are three? I appreciate the author tying the ‘fic into a Wicca-theme – it shows some appreciation for Tara and Willow’s vocation – but I don’t this is quite what the God and the Goddess intended, thank you.
Yes, I’m taking refuge in improper politeness to stave off my sense of nausea. Please leave me and my coping mechanisms alone.

Pressing on. Inevitably, Dawn gets discovered and then, the whole ‘fic goes entirely into the toilet. Sadly enough, not literally.
After the traditional light conversation everybody indulges in when you discover the sister of your best friend spying on you and your girlfriend while you two are engaging in scat-play, Willow feeds Dawn. Yes, you read that right.

Quote :
[Willow suggests:] “So now just put it in your mouth. I’ll help you.”
Willow took her hand and led it to Dawns beautiful, soft lips. Slowly she [by which the author means Dawn: the 'fic is riddled with wrong anaphoric references and, yes, I notice these things, because I'd rather notice these things than actually think about what I'm reading] opened her mouth and her shit smeared finger entered. First, she gagged and felt the urge to puke, when she tasted the bitter, strong taste of the shit, but then it calmed down and she thought that it wasn’t that bad. She licked and swallowed what made her gag again but she managed not to puke.


Go Dawn! If I only my stomach was a strong as yours – ‘scuse me.

Quote :
[Quoth Willow:] “Good girl. That was cool, huh?”
“Eh, yes.”
“What did it taste like?”

“Shitty, but ok.”


TRADITIONAL WITTY BUFFY-SPEAK!

After feeding Tara some, Willow proceeds to give Dawn an unconventional facial and then forces her girlfriend to kiss face with Dawn.
Tara proceeds to do the only sensible thing anyone can do in such an awkward situation: she throws up. Unfortunately, Dawn hasn’t quite broken off the kiss yet, so basically, she's ground zero for Tara's vomit. This leaves Dawn in a pickle:

Quote :
[Which Willow is kind enough to point out:] ”Cause now Dawn has a problem! Dawnie, you need to puke, too?”
Dawn nodded shyly.
“So, Tara, Dawn has to puke. And who do you think is playing the puke bag?”
Tara shivered in fear and disgust.
“M… me..?”
“Hundred points. You win a puke shower! Lay on your back and open your mouth!”


My sentiments on the following scene can best be summarized thusly: NGNGNGNGGGGNGAAAH!

Anyhoodle. Finally, Willow joins in on the action and uses her girlfriend as a toilet. We’re returning to the relatively safe lands of watersports, while Willow casually keeps talking about taking Dawn out on nights on the town doing sexy dirty money stuff with guys. (Lesbians = dirty whores. Got it.)
Dawn finally makes a fist in face of all this depravity. Sadly, she doesn’t use that fist to rage against Willow and punch her lights out. No, Dawn turns back to Tara. Just guess what Dawn makes of this TwoGirlsOneFist-situation.
My eyes attempt to roll backwards in their sockets to shield my brain from the rest. I call them spineless pansies, but to compromise, I start parsing the rest of the ‘fic. If you can read the whole thing fully and in one sitting, I commend you. You’re made of stronger mettle than I am.

Finally, something resembling salvation approaches: Buffy, Dawn’s big sister, comes home and crashes into the room. She immediately asserts her authority:

Quote :
Angry [Proper adverbs are for losers!] she went into the room.
“Hi Buffy!”, said Willow and smiled.
“Eh, it’s not what it looks like”, said Tara shyly.
“And what does it look like?”
Tara blushed and turned away her face.
“What is that in your face?”, asked Buffy her little sister.
“Eh, chocolate cream?”
“Of course, and what’s that smell?”
“Eh, shit?”
“Seems so… So what’s that in your face?”
“Shit, too.”
“Hey, Buff, we just had some fun. So maybe you could go and leave us alone!”, said Willow.
“No! I won’t go. You’re totally nuts! Oh, that smell! Dawn get off here and take a shower!”
“I can’t. I’m stuck.”
Now Buffy realized that her fist was sticking in Tara’s ass.


Right. Despite Buffy’s reaction being somewhat cool (as opposed to the complete and utter WTFRUDOIN-reaction I’d pull in a similar situation), she immediately marches our dirty Dawn into the shower. Presumably not to do something incestuous. Tara and Willow think along different lines, however, conniving to do a magical spell on Buffy to make her more open-minded...
The ‘fic ends on these ominous words:

Quote :
To be continued…


Oh yeah. Dramatic, unnatural, camera-panning-out scream coming up in 3… 2… 1…


Last edited by Jay/Cris on Thu Oct 22, 2009 4:01 am; edited 1 time in total
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Delcat
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Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 36
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Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. Empty
PostSubject: Re: Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really.   Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. EmptyThu Oct 22, 2009 1:24 am

Oh God, thank you. I was starting to think I was the only one who remembered this horrible thing, even though it was as much a Golden Oldie as Celebrian and Agony in Pink way-back-when. It's even worse now, I think. You are an example to us all, Jay. Thank you.
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FreakEgg
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Join date : 2010-03-07
Age : 35
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Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. Empty
PostSubject: Re: Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really.   Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. EmptySun Mar 07, 2010 10:18 pm

That was one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen/read, which is pretty freaking impressive. I'm quite glad I wasn't eating.
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rae
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rae


Join date : 2009-06-10
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Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. Empty
PostSubject: Re: Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really.   Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. EmptyMon Mar 08, 2010 2:14 am

I love you, Jay. Thank you for throwing yourself on this grenade for us. Good job snarking something that can be summed up with a single emoticon: Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. 556166
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Chris91
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Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 56
Location : Salem, Mass., USA

Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. Empty
PostSubject: Re: Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really.   Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. EmptyMon Mar 08, 2010 11:22 am

Just the summary scared me away...Jay's got guts of steel.
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Dick Powers
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Join date : 2009-07-16
Location : Chillin with my homie Issun on Oni Island

Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. Empty
PostSubject: Re: Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really.   Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. EmptyMon Mar 08, 2010 12:05 pm

That wasn't so bad, I've seen worst.
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Knorg
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Join date : 2009-06-06
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Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. Empty
PostSubject: Re: Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really.   Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. EmptyMon Mar 08, 2010 12:37 pm

Quote :
To be continued…


"In 2Witches1Cup"
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Ezri Dax
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Join date : 2010-02-02
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Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. Empty
PostSubject: Re: Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really.   Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. EmptyMon Mar 08, 2010 4:36 pm

Oh God, I remember this one. The shittiest fanfic that the internet ever shat out, literally. The first time I read this I was eating pizza, needless to say I was completely put off my food and was almost sick, the first and only time a fic ever spoiled my appetite.


Last edited by Ezri Dax on Mon Mar 08, 2010 4:36 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : typo)
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Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. Empty
PostSubject: Re: Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really.   Oh, poop. 'Dawn Gets Dirty'. NWS. No, really really. Empty

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