This one is perhaps the closest to my heart of any of the badfics on here. I discovered this being passed around about three years ago, and I treasure it to this day. Its simple message of love and vampire rape remains one of the more inexplicable things I’ve ever read. It is undated and anonymously written - the latter probably for the better - but I’d say there’s a definite Meyer influence here. Probably.
(Scans of the original are here and here. Note the lone, furtive attempt at proofreading on Page 2)
- Quote :
- Once upon a time there was a beautiful caste in the mountains
Mahatma Gandhi
IS Abraham Van Helsing in
DANGEROUS BAD VAMPIRES II: THE LOOSENING.
- Quote :
- Who is the most affection one in the caste
You’d think it’d be the Brahmans, but no, it’s our heroine/princess, destiny. Don’t capitalize that, you’ll ruin the symbolism or something. Anyway, we get the standard neglected princess backstory:
- Quote :
- and the others are mean to her and the others treat her as a mop in a bucket in wet water.
“
BILLY MAYS HERE, BACK FROM THE GRAVE, AND BOY DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT NEW WET WATER-BRAND WATER. LOOK AT THIS MOP - DRY NOW, BUT WITH WET WATER-BRAND WATER IT’S AS GOOD AS WET! IT GETS ANYTHING WET - CASTES, VAMPIRES, BAD CREATIVE WRITING ASSIGNMENTS, ANYTHING! CALL
NOW BEFORE THE SOIL AND CLAY RECLAIM ME AND YOU’LL GET A SECOND JUG OF WET WATER-BRAND WATER ABSOLUTELY
FREE!”
- Quote :
- One day she was turning seventeen years old for her birthday as grown up lady
"Grown Up Lady! With the power to file tax forms and wear sensible shoes!"
- Quote :
- and her parents were about the bad vampires in the woods far away from the caste.
“I wait seventeen years to become grown up lady, and t-this is how you treat me?”
“Sorry honey, the dangerous bad vampires are calling!”
Just then, danger strikes!
- Quote :
- And as she was about to blow out her candles on her cake and a bad vampire named satin appeared around her
"Will somebody please tell your parents that we don't know where all the capital letters went
either?"
Satin asks destiny to be his “bride forever eternal”, and destiny declines. Satin, having had this whole “appear out of the wind and hit on her” plan in the works for ages, goes the next logical step…
- Quote :
- He got furious at her and he said if you don't marry me I'll killed your parents in front of you so you cry about your loss's of your parents.
…killing her parents in the past!…or something. The tenses are shifting harder here than an angry libertarian who has yet to learn of the Capslock key. Destiny doesn’t take this lying down:
- Quote :
- And she said that I'll put a wooded stake in your heart so you will die and she said that you're a idiot vampire that I'll ever met in my life.
“Killing me won’t bring back your goddamn grammar!”
Satin, being 2 badly writ 2 quit, tries to have her nonetheless…
- Quote :
- And he got on top of her and he rapped her clothes off. And he toke his clothes off too.
…And discovers a new past participle in the process.
- Quote :
- And he began to make love with her on the ground and he bitten on her neck with his fangs. And he did with her on front of her parents and the people.
You’d think a guy named “satin” would be smoother
amirite amirite. Satin continues on, chaining her parents “up to a metal pole from ground” before forcefully taking her to his cabin and undergoing a sudden change-of-heart:
- Quote :
- And he toke her to his home in the woods and he placed her on his bed to sleep and he put a nightgown on her and so she would warm in his bed under the covers and he tog her In well. And she woke up in the morning and satin said good morning dear.
You know, in these harsh times, it’s good to have a rapist who
cares for once. Someone that the kids can look up to, toking and togging aside. Though, the story does hint that satin has darker obsessions:
- Quote :
- And he fed a live chicken from his farm in the back of the house and she found out that was pregnant with his child
So destiny, having no problem at all with any of this - gosh no - and satin get hitched (the ceremony involves a “peer diamond“ - coal compressed under peer pressure, apparently), and have a dangerous bad baby to boot. The fic, in a sudden shade of “legolas”, ends mid-sentence.
This is the first time I’ve attempted a formal snark of…whatever this thing is, but I’ve made it known to the internets long enough for Solatium from the green boards to have done an audiobook recording and Andy O’Brien from the Agony Booth forums to find out the real author.
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I love this sentence. It makes me happy every time I read it. And with happy, I mean get the giggles for ten minutes straight. Nothing can surpass it's simple beauty. Nothing~
Excellent snark, especially this joke:
