Remember who? (a Heroes fanfic)

Alright, time to move onto something a bit more mainstream... Heroes. There are a ton of crappy fics there, but this one--so far--takes the cake. It's a Sue of epic proportions, who totally woobifies Sylar, and has speshul purple powers that can not only take other people's powers, but also heal herself, kill others at a touch, AND be thrown as energy balls.

Remember me?: Sylar and Luke are on the road affter what happend at the dinner, when Sylar gets a text from Rebel to save the girl. who is this girl? why was this mission given to Sylar? and what will happen to her when he finds her? *my first fic* Sylar/OC

So let's see what happens on this fateful roadtrip, eh?

It starts off when Sylar gets a text message, even though he or Luke doesn't have a phone. Doesn't stop the author though.

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“got it!” Luke yelled, as Sylar sighed in relief that the annoying tune had gone, “it’s a text” Luke continued “to you?!”, Sylar’s brow frowned with confusion and asked “what dose it say?” Luke opened the text and read allowed, “Sylar, you are needed ! They have the girl! She will trust you alone! SAVE HER! Directions follow - Rebel” Luke asked “what dose that mean?” Sylar simply replied “means we’re making a detour”.

So... they get a random text out of nowhere, on a phone that belongs to neither of them, and Sylar simply says, "We're making a detour."? Huh?

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Before getting out the car Luke asked “who are we here to save exactly?” Sylar just shrugged and said “no idea” as he got out of the car, following Sylar Luke asked “then why are we here? There is no one here anyway! Someone’s just messing with us!” Sylar simply ignored him and continued with his mission, to save the girl, whomever she should be!

Luke's IC... at least here. Which just makes this sad, because it shows how far the author has bent canon just to put her self-insert. *sigh* Let's see if we can find something actually funny about this fic instead of pathetic.

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one guard said “this ant right! man we cant do this !” and the other replied in a cocky tone “sure we can, besides who is she gonna tell? No one that’s who, because she cant!” as Sylar peered through the window of the door he saw just two guards and a brunette girl tired to a cheer facing away from him. One of the guards pulled out a knife and sliced the girls summer dress down the middle and yanked it away, to leave the obviously drugged girl in only her white lace bra and panties, then the guard started undoing his belt.

OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO BE RAEPED! Because you have to crank up the angst factor in order to totally woobify Sylar. *slaps forehead* Also, I would quote smaller passages, but the author seems to have only a loose relationship with punctuation.

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“don’t be afraid! It’s ok, it’s just me. Oh, Jackie what have you got yourself into this time?” with that , that voice that seemed so familiar to her, she smiled in realisation of who her saviour was. Looking into big brown eyes she knew so well, her ice blue eyes shimmered in hope as she smiled a sad little smile and said in a English, Scouse accent, letting a tear fall “Gabriel!?!” smiling himself Sylar said “yeah, it’s me, am here, everything is going to be ok”.

Scouse accent? And I'm suddenly reminded of a more sophisticated laura.

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you were going to hurt her! You were going to violate her!

Because rape is so much worse than say... killing people by cutting the tops of their heads off.

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Sylar continued to beat the agent with his bear fists

ROAR! MY BEARS WILL MAUL YOU NOW!

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“what happened back there was I lost my temper, this girl is called Jackie Silverman, and how I know her is she used to work for me in my shop as well as lodge there and she is also the only person that, if I could, I would die for and she was calling me Gabriel because that’s my name, Sylar is an alias I took when I started killing people and no you cant call me it, ever!”

Take a breath, Sylar!

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Sylar gave a slight chuckle and said “I’ll be back in a minuet”

And then he danced away.

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“oh well if the truth be told he saved me” seeing Luke’s confusion Jackie continued “I was a runway, living on the streets, I got sick, one night Gabriel saw me realised that I was ill, he took me to his shop, he had a bed in the back and he took care of me, nursed me back to health, never asked me why I ran away or anything like that, and when I was better he said that I could live in the back and work is the shop as rent and because he lived in the apartment upstairs he could make sure I was ok day or night. He became my best and only friend, eventually I told him everything, why I ran, my crappy childhood, my favourite food, everything, then he went travailing round the world, he sent me post cards and souvenirs, t-shirts from Chicago, teddy’s from South America, but because I didn’t know where he’d be for how long I couldn’t write back, which brought me down but getting his letters was always the highlight of my week. So now tell me, what happened to him?”

Yeah, I can just imagine Sylar writing her every week. "Today I killed someone in Santa Rosa, California. Her brains were very tasty. Here is a stuffed luchador for you. Love & Kisses, Gabriel."

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“I know Gabriel better than anyone and I know when he’s hiding things from me, back in New York I let it go coz I figured it was coz that girl he was seeing left, but now I want to know what’s going on, why he’s so different yet the same, why he’s mean to you, Gabriel isn’t mean to anyone, ever.

No, he kills people to help them!

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But after worded she discovered that the robber had the ability to shape shift into animal forms and that he could also communicate with them and that’s how he got into the shop, spider’s, but by draining his life force into herself she also took his ability. There was also the fact that she could take the purple light and make it into balls of energy in her hands.

The ability of a Mary Sue, "I WILL EAT YOUR SPESHULNESS!"

Argh. I get that giving Sylar that accidental-mother-killing plotline gives him more complexity as a character, but that combined with making his real name Gabriel just cranks up the potential for woobiefication to dangerous levels.

Great snark though. This

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ROAR! MY BEARS WILL MAUL YOU NOW!

killed me.

Just the excerpts from this fic make my eyes burn. The first thing I noticed was the weird misspellings, like "tired to a cheer", which look suspiciously to me like the result of running a spellcheck and taking its first suggestion. Then I got to the stuff about the girl being Sylar's super speshul never-mentioned woobie BFF, at which point I facepalmed.

Gods, the OOCness/canon raep, it burns. If Sylar had had a girl with superpowers, particularly one that sounds like an improved version of his own, living in his shop, surely a) this would have been mentioned and b) he would have de-brained her when he went on his initial killing spree? (Edit: OK, reading the whole first chapter, she didn't learn of her ability until later.)

Blah blah blah. I don't care about the OOCness, I care about the HORRIBLE FUCKING SPELLING. Thank God you touched on it, Max, it almost makes up for you misspelling canon as CANNON.

and dear Jesus the run on sentences, when she's explaining her life story, I keep picturing her running, and she's all breathless and stuff, and every comma is a gulp of breath, and it's too bad she doesn't end up breaking off and *hock* *cough* *cough* *choke* *hawwk* *ahum*.

Maybe she was lying about her super speshul lifedraining/power leech/lightning throwing power. Her power is actually just that she doesn't need to breathe.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Blah blah blah. I don't care about the OOCness, I care about the HORRIBLE FUCKING SPELLING. Thank God you touched on it, Max, it almost makes up for you misspelling canon as CANNON.

Yes, because people never make typos, especially typos that aren't caught on spellcheckers.

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and dear Jesus the run on sentences, when she's explaining her life story, I keep picturing her running, and she's all breathless and stuff, and every comma is a gulp of breath, and it's too bad she doesn't end up breaking off and *hock* *cough* *cough* *choke* *hawwk* *ahum*.

But yeah... it gave me a headache to read. This is only the first chapter. If I remember correctly, there's four more chapters of this awfulness? Most of them are these horrible run on sentences, which reminded me very strongly of legolas by laura, except more verbose...and more of them.