For my next target in the Snarkathon, I hitched up to FF.net to look for some fic of a particular favorite of mine -
Eureka seveN, a show about giant skysurfing robots and the people who love them. Since this was one of those shows that about five people actually
watched, the fandom is rather small. Most of the fics lie in the ’meh’ category, but I was able to find something worthy to share with you all:
In The Hands Of Fate, by Kairea. With a title like “Hands Of Fate“, it has to be good!
We start by introducing our cast, or at least their low-rate zombie equivalents:
- Quote :
- Dominic Sighed and looked down at a picture on his desk. The picture was of a pink hair girl sitting on a tree branch smiling down at Dominic who was asleep under the tree. That was the last day he saw her. Coronal Huey had came to the woods were the were and demanded that Anemone come back with him that she was his property.
Right now, canon is screaming. You might not be screaming, but a little explanation is admittedly needed. Once a bit of the details are filled in, you’ll be screaming too. Hopefully. (Minor spoilers follow)
This is Dominic.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]In canon, he’s a good-at-heart war orphan who’s risen rapidly through the ranks of the military, enough to be entrusted with a special caretaking job from the villainous colonel who heads it. While he looks and acts like a dweeb at first glance, he’s courageous and willing to do anything for the things he holds sacred. In this fic, he pretty much just mopes around.
And this is his poor, helpless partner, Anemone.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]Looking quite the damsel in distress, isn’t she? In canon, she’s also a war orphan, taken in by the military and biologically engineered specifically for piloting their secret skysurfing robot. The transformation very nearly killed her, though, and she requires both a steady supply of psychotropic drugs to keep her from relapsing and a caretaker in the form of Dominic. However, she’s still feisty as all hell, and it’s Dominic who receives the brunt of the hurt more often than not. She gets a bit better by the end of the series, but she still wouldn’t go down without a fight.
As for “Coronal Huey”, he seems to be an invention of the author. In canon, though, there is a “Colonel Dewey”….
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]…as is clearly illustrated by the fanart…
…who makes for a much better villain to say the least. He’s ruthless, creepy, power-hungry, and cunning enough to nearly trick all of mankind into annihilating itself to serve his own twisted sense of purpose. He’s one of the more intriguing villains I‘ve seen. “Huey” is none of these things - the Trioculus to Dewey’s Palpatine, if you will. Whether he’s a typo or just a joke, Colonel Huey (presumably known to the ever-pubescent, Pocky-stained fanbrats in FF.net Square as “Huey Louie Dewey”) is just GRRAH MEAN, and boringly so.
So anyway, kidnapping, and so forth and so forth:
- Quote :
- Anemone screamed as loud as she could waking up Dominic who tried everything to get Huey to let his wife stay.
It’s quite unlike Anemone to simply stop at screaming…If only her canon self was here. Let’s just say that I’d hope Huey would be wearing an athletic cup and a vestigial layer of protective blubber and leave it at that.
Anyway, Huey somehow manages to restrain Anemone and forcibly kidnap her for…some reason, while Dominic wangsts on in the background.
- Quote :
- That was five years ago. Coronal Dominic was 26 years old and if she was still alive his wife Anemone would be 21 but she would still look 16.
So he’s not dropping in and saving her because he’d just look like a cradle-robber, is that it? You’d think Dominic would at least do
something by now - he has an odd habit of throwing himself into impossible odds to save her in canon. It might be that this “Coronal” Dominic is simply drowning his sorrows in his Mexican brewery.
- Quote :
- Anemone looked around the small windowless prison she was suppose to call her bedroom. Huey that stupid Bastard had not let her see the outside for the past 5 years. He said only good girls who didn’t run away to be with a good for a nothing man could see the light so in other words Anemone was stuck in here.
So Huey’s just jealous of Dominic’s brewing ablities then. I imagine this guy as Dewey’s fatter, balder second cousin who spends most of his time locked in his room, wistfully playing with his Gekkostate action figures. Either that, or Pedobear.
- Quote :
- She felt like she was going insane. First Huey told her that Dominic left her to die. Then she found out that he was lying. Then Huey kidnapped her and looked her in this Damn room!
So he managed to convince Anemone that Dominic had abandoned her after Dominic spent the better part of the last day she saw him
screaming for Huey not to kidnap her. Maybe I’m giving this guy too little credit. Or maybe this plot has more holes than a corpse at a necrophiliac driller’s party.
- Quote :
- Another thing that really ticked her off was when Huey kidnapped her she was pregnant and when she had the baby. Huey took it and she has no clue what he did with her for all Anemone knew Huey could have killed the baby.
“A HUEY ATE MAH BABY!”
Don’t you just
hate when people do that? That just twists my moose.
Anyway, Huey visits Anemone in her cell so we can see what kind of horrific rations she has to deal with.
- Quote :
- Anemone looked down at the cereal and Gagged Quietly
They took all the marshmallows out of her Lucky Charms, those rat
bastards! - Quote :
- “I slept fine I just have a headache from sleeping the wrong way.” Huey smiled “ I’m Glad you slept good that’s always a plus.”
This guys had her locked up in a cell for five years and he still can’t get past the “awkward small talk” stage. Or the “deciding how he slept” stage.
Dewey had all sorts of creepy father-figure issues towards Anemone in canon, but at least he was
competently creepy. This guy’s going to ask her to look for that Nitty Gritty Dirt Band tape he knows in the back of the Subaru somewhere and take her fishing next, I’ll bet.
- Quote :
- As Huey was talking Anemone noticed for the first time that Huey had a gun on his left side just sitting there in its holster ‘Hmm that should be easy enough to get all I have to do is act frisky and he will be in the palm of my hands literally.’
‘Literally’? Is the gun a shrink ray?
And come on, Anemone, you’re getting desperate. Even Huey sounds like he’s smart enough to see right through this.
….
Isn’t he?
- Quote :
- Anemone Stood up and pushed Huey up against the wall bring her lips to his. His eyes went wide as Anemones Hands trailed up his left leg “God some one is very frisky today”
“You know, the last 8 times this happened, the woman just wanted to get away.” [/mst3k]
- Quote :
- Anemone backed away gun in hand “Huey were is my Daughter?” Huey paled instantly “She’s in the pool. She should come straight to you if you say her name its Kairea.”
It’s hard to feel cool when there’s a Sue!kid in the pool, Kairea cha cha cha, Kairea cha cha cha.Well, that was easy, at any rate. Surely, Huey has a few tricks up his sleeve-
- Quote :
- Anemone Smiled “Good now Say good night you son of a bitch” She shot the gun. The bullet went straight through his skull.
- Or not. Huey, you’re the worst villain ever.
Just think, if Dewey was still around he would have managed to blow up the sun by now. At least he knew how to play the game. Huey, on the other hand, complains that the instructions are in too small a font, and pouts dejectedly by the bag of word tiles in comparison.
- Quote :
- Anemone Laid the gun down and went down to the pool just as he said when Anemone called for Kairea she ran straight to her.
There’s Huey on the throne with his guts shot out, there’s Kairea, oblivious and splashing about
Look, there’s Dominic, moping all alone in his bed - there’s the reader, banging things against his head… - Quote :
- Anemone along with Kairea headed to Gekko State.
Who, for what boils down to a (one word) paramilitary anti-government surfer junta in canon, are really easy to track down.
“You’ve dialed Gekkostate. Press 1 if you’d like to renew your
Ray=Out subscription. Press 2 if you’d like to join the fight against evil military plots. Press 3 if you’re interested in hearing about our daycare services. If you’re calling for information on car insurance, please hang up and check the phone book. Sorry, we are not accepting demo tape solicitations at this time.”
- Quote :
- She went straight to Holland and asked if Euruka was there. She was.
You have to try pretty hard to misspell the name of the
title character. “Euruka” sounds like a bad David Byrne album, or maybe a Samoan liquor. Anemone must have been hitting the coconut devil hard lately.
- Quote :
- Anemone Left Kairea with Euruka just incase Dominic didn’t want to see them. Then she head to Dominic’s house.
Wasn’t Anemone already pregnant when she got kidnapped?
And hey, just what “Euruka” needs - another kid, in addition to the three she‘s already adopted in canon! Joy. Never mind that Anemone’s big scheme here is to meet up with a person she has only ever met on the battlefield and has tried to kill on multiple occasions, say “O HAI”, and throw a baby at her.
- Quote :
- Dominic was pulled out of his thoughts by a knock on the door. He stood up and walked down the steps stopping by a mirror to cheek his appearance just incase it was Anemone even though he highly doubted it was.
I mean she’s been gone for
so long but there’s someone at the door and there’s always a possibility - oh jeez, does his hair look right? Here, fix this tie for him.
- Quote :
- After five years she was back and she wasn’t dead.
Glad to know Dominic has his priorities in order. Zombie-lovin’ just ain’t the same.
- Quote :
- Besides the little bit of blood on her cheek she looked as beautiful as ever.
So she’s traversed a likely distance of halfway across the world after brutally murdering somebody, without so much as a shower. I guess everyone was too afraid to point out the stain.
And this fic, which was just crappy, turns a whiter shade of Suck:
- Quote :
- Dominic looked at her “ but how what happened to Huey?” “I killed him. I didn’t mean to but I was going insane in that place all I could think about was you.” Dominic Paled instantly “ you killed him? Anemone that isn’t good.”
That’s bad. And that ain’t good.
“OH YOU JUST KILLED A GUY IN THE HIGHER ECHELONS OF POWER THAT’S COOL AND STUFF HEY WE SHOULD TOTALLY FUCK NOW”
And then, the story is happy end:
- Quote :
- Anemone blushes slightly as Dominic pulled her into his arms and kissed her softly “I’ve missed you a lot baby.” I’ve missed you to. I’m back and I am never ever leaving you again.”
And then the real cast showed up and kicked all the pod people out. Hey, I can dream.
We close on a review by one “TeArSxBlAcKxAsxMyHeArT” (who seems unaware of the irony of a username with that style of typing responding to a story entitled “Hands Of Fate”):
- Quote :
- would't kairea be scared when so half-crazed-half-insaine 16 year old looking girl came and took her from the only place she hade ever called home and where did the blood on anemones face come from? but beside that the story was awesome
Thank you, TeArS - you speak for us all.
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