The Envelope: Currently scrapped.

A bit of crazy novel-shaped fiction i've been working on. Here's what i has so far.

EDIT: After numerous reviews to the effect, i'm going to be starting from scratch, thanks again for all your help.

Jesus fucking Christ on a motherfucking plane, just delete your crap if you think it is crap goddamn it! Do you want me to sift through the fucking strikethrough text because you want me to fucking read it still? Just delete it. We don't fucking care.

I couldn't even get through the entire thing. You seem to be summarizing the novel you plan on writing instead of actually writing it, and your powers of description are simply not up to the task of handling a first-person narrative. I know that "show, don't tell" is a very tired piece of advice, but that's because it's so vital. Don't patronize your reader by telling them straight out that your character was "always a bit of an odd duck". Show us that he is.

There is virtually no atmosphere in this piece. I have no sense of where the character is, or even who the character is. You seem to be using his internal narration as a soapbox for little aside jokes and your own opinions (or opinions you have mistaken as being amusing/entertaining). What has the character actually done in all of these paragraphs? Opened the envelope? Remembered opening the envelope?

The character's voice is also highly grating. You need to cut back on all the "perhaps"es and "needless to say"s and rhetorical questions. I know you think that fits in with your character's personality, but they are coming across as cliched and downright irritating.

All in all, you are in no way, shape, or form ready to consider this a novel just yet. I know that my criticism has been harsh, but that's because I'm taking the time to really think about your story so that I can provide you with feedback that will allow you to see the problems within your writing so that you can go about correcting them.

An exciting idea does not a novel make. If I were you, I would back off tackling the novel as a whole just yet. You need to spend some time with your character and flesh out your ideas more. For now, see if you can write a brief synopsis of the key elements of your plot. Make sure there are no contradictions or contrivances there. It's okay if you don't have the whole thing figured out just yet, even. Just try to get it down.

Then you should start getting to know your character. As it stands, he falls flat. He doesn't seem relatable or even real. You need to find out more about him. Write a list of questions like, "What does he have in his pockets right now?", "What is his most embarassing childhood memory?", "What is on his grocery shopping list?", "What is his favorite movie and why?", "What does he smell like?", and so on. Go crazy, really. Don't stop until you have about thirty or more questions.

Then, after you're done writing them all, go back and answer them with the first thing that pops into your mind. The answers might surprise you. This sounds strange, but as you go on, the details will just pop into your mind, and it might even feel like your character is answering the questions for you.

After that, start giving yourself little prompts about this character. Describe his bedroom. Write a snippet about him getting ready in the morning, or talking to his brother, or how he would behave at an uncomfortable doctor's appointment. Play around with his senses. Describe what his mother's kitchen smells like to him, talk about the view from his bedroom window, list the noises that are keeping him awake at night, write about him petting a dog and how it feels. Get to know the man and all five of his senses, see how he perceives the world.

Once you feel like you really know this man and he seems more real to you, try to write a short story about him, or even pick a random scene you know will appear in your novel and just write it out. I sense that one of your biggest problems is restraint. You're tackling this novel all at once, biting off more than you're ready to chew right now.

Give this time. You don't have to churn this baby out in one go. Get to know the character and his world before you barge in and write about it. Good luck!

Thanks for your advisement, i'll keep it in mind as i continue on past the first part here. This is, basically, the first chapterish sorta fing, we're barely into the main story. I get the feeling my entering it here in this state may have been premature, or at least that i should have specified. I'll spend tomorrow doing a few of those character exercises, and as for the strangeness of the character... well, as the next bit will show as soon as it gets back from my editor person, they're insane. Not your garden variety nutty sorta person, but genuine, lock up and hope he doesn't bite you insane.

Thank you very much for your review, i appreciate it more than i can tell you.

I didn't get the impression he was insane, and even if he is, criminally insane people are not all the same. He's still a character. Take, for instance, the examples of both Hannibal Lecter and Sweeney Todd. Both are serial killers, true, but does that make them the same? Lecter's cool intellect and genteel manners are nothing like Todd's insatiable need for revenge and obsession with the life he lost.

They are motivated by different things, behave in different ways, and are totally different people, just like I imagine your character will be. Don't fall back on the crutch of letting your character do anything you feel like simply because you can justify his actions by saying, "Oh, he's crazy". He has his own set of morals, no matter how twisted they may be, and his own code of conduct. Find out what it is.

Even if you have more to show, as it stands right now, what you have posted here is still incredibly weak and should be scrapped entirely. This is the beginning of your story, the very first thing a reader sees. Chances are they're going to put it down.

Also? Get a new editor. No ifs ands or buts. If what you posted here was "edited" by another person, they are doing you no favors and are useless to you. Either they are too emotionally invested in their relationship with you to give sound advice, or their own writing abilities are too poor to realize that there's even a problem. Neither of those scenarios is good. Thank them for their time and politely disengage and find yourself a better editor.

Part of the problem here hasn't got anything to do with how early on you are in the story. You can't use that as an excuse. In fact, your first paragraph may just be the most important paragraph of your entire novel. Your style is vital here. What you've written is... flat. It doesn't have any spark or personality. Before tackling an entire novel, explore different ways of writing. Explore different orders you can put your words in, what types of words to use, the mood you want to give, the atmosphere you create. This may even, in fact, trump plot. I'm not even going to touch on double meanings and messages, but if you're trying for something like that then you need to pay even more attention to the words you put on the page.

tl;dr Your writing sucks. Start over from scratch.

For an novel intro, you need an interesting first sentence, then first paragraph. As it was, it was... boring for me to get through. Honestly, I couldn't get through it all. It might be a neat idea, but if I were browsing for books, I wouldn't pick it up. Gotta have that 'hook' to get people interested.

What the hell did I just read?

Why did he think what he thought and how did he come to that conclusion?

Who is They and how do they cover up large conspiracies and how does a conspiracies size lend to their ease of being covered up?

Capitalize Mountain Dew, and WTF are Clove Cigarettes?

The first paragraph of any story must be the most interesting. It has to grab the attention or few readers are going to go any further unless they're invested in the piece in some other way.

This sentence

Quote :

Well, I suppose that, with my chance at a future career already ruined by my curious nature, it can’t hurt to finally give you all the answers you so rightfully deserve.

It's entirely overly complicated, and the entire tone is somehow off. Short, direct sentences often work best to grab the attention. This one is long and meandering. Make it two sentences, or scrap it entirely.

You say the character is crazy. Have you researched his particular mental illness(es), yet? If not, do it now. No, really. This is something you absolutely cannot ignore. Even if you never intend to specifically name his illness in the book, YOU have to know what it is. Your research also needs to be more than reading the wiki on the subject, though that can be a good place to start looking for other sources. Simply saying someone is 'crazy' without actually knowing in what ways and why is the number one way for a character to come off as flat, or worse, annoying. And anyone who has taken even a general psych class (and they are legion) will be calling bullshit in the loudest voice they can muster.

Narhwal is absolutely right about the character exercises. I couldn't get far, myself, for much the same reasons as she. The constant hinting at there being something larger going on that will be revealed later needs to be cut. It's very tedious. The reader already KNOWS that there is, else the story wouldn't exist. :-)

Have you written out your plot-lines yet? Perhaps it's how this was written, but it feels as if you don't know where you're going with it. Only knowing the end does NOT count as having a plot. Middles are often the hardest part of a story to write.

I hope that is helpful and good luck!

Nihilist, ilu.

All of my love, all of my love, all of my love to you.

It was a long enough post that I could make my screen show only strikethrough.