(Reepicheep-chan) I am pregnant with a Chocobo's baby: Chocobo Nights

I cannot stress enough that this is not mine (I still love it though).

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Chocobo Nights by Lemon Master


This is my Christmas present you, GAFFugees.


For
those of you not in the know, Chocobo Nights is part of a series, I
think. Actually, all I know is it is the sequel to Cellmates, which is
a Tifa/ Aeris fic. Blah blah, lesbian sex with Tifa, and OFC, and a
Chocobo. NWS, NBS, and about 90% pure WTF. Here we go!

Quote :

"(Aeris...
Aeris... no... don't... don't leave me... no Aeris) No Aeris! NOOOO!
AERIS! Aeris..." Tifa had woken up from a bad dream. "You alright
Tifa?" Tifa broke down in tears. "I want her back Cloud"

Have
I ever mentioned that I hate it when authors do not line break for new
speakers? I like to pretend it is just one guy talking to himself.

Quote :

They were at a campfire, with Barrett and Red (that tiger thing).

Lemon Master just referred to Red XIII as 'that tiger thing.' Unfortunately it is far too early in the fic to start drinking.

Quote :

They had set up camp in the outskirts of Kalm.

Remember this, there will be a test later.

Quote :

"Ohh,
the things they could be doing to her." "Don't worry, we'll get her
back." "(I need my Honeybuns back)" "What was that?" "Oh! Nothing!"

Tifa:
Whoever stole my breakfast is going to pay. Everyone knows that without
at least two honeybuns in the morning I get all grouchy.

Quote :

Daybreak, and the group were walking the plains of Midgar's continent.

Who the hell is Daybreak?

This is followed by a long and pointless conversation about Rufus in which no speakers are identified. Observe:

Quote :

"Who
the hell is this new Shinra president anyway?" "His name is
Rufus""How'd you know that?" "I heard it from Sephiroth once, he always
saidhe was dangerous." "Are you guys sure he went to Junon with Aeris?"

From now on, when this happens I am just going to make up who is talking, if that is OK with you guys.

Quote :

"Awww.. Come on! Wait.... look over there."

Barret: Tifa's taking a dump behind that bush!
Cloud: Uh... excuse me just on minute guys. I got... stuff to do... over there.

So
the gang finds a Chocobo ranch and as they move closer a young woman
approaches them. And the way I wrote that sentence is at least five
hundred times better than the way Lemon Master tells you the same
information, trust me.

Quote :

She looked like a
cowgirl, she wore really tight jeans, with a chequered shirt tied
around her large chest, revealing her navel and also wore a cowgirl's
hat over her long dark blonde hair.

Because all
cowgirl's dress like that. The bare midriff is infinitely useful for
herding cattle. And if she heard Chocobos, how is she a cowgirl?

Quote :

"Howdy, you guys passing through?"

Asked Sephiroth.

Quote :

"We're heading for Junon"

Replied Daybreak.

Quote :

"Junon? On foot? You'll need a Chocobo."

Or some sort of airship... but we all know that's crazy talk.

Quote :

"I suppose you got one for sale?"

Damnit, WHO IS TALKING?

Quote :

"I certainly do! 10000 Gil a piece!"

Bull. If they want chocobos they damn well need to catch their own.

Quote :

"Listen, can't we work out something?" "I'm sorry sister, no deals."
"What do you mean, NO DEALS!!!!"

RARR TIFA SMASH!!!!!!1!!1

Quote :

["]could you at least tell us where the nearest inn is."
"Sure, it's in Kalm. A day's walk away!"

Remember
they were already in the outskirts of Kalm? So, they have been walking
from the outskirts of Kalm, to Kalm, all day and still have a day's
walk left to get to the nearest inn.

OK, I know what you guys
are thinking. Sure, this is bad fic, but when do we get to the really
bad stuff? The part where Lemon Master's true shit shines? I hear you,
so we are going to skip ahead. The cowgirl calls herself Chicabo, and
she does not like or trust the group enough to give you a deal on her
Chocobos, or offer to just lend them a few, but she is OK with them
coming into her home where she lives alone and spending the night when
she will be asleep and they will have access to her entire herd. Also
she hits on Tifa and Tifa whines some more about Aeris not being there.
Chicabo seriously rubs her foot all over Tifa's leg and then kisses her
on the lips. What. There is also a cut to where Aeris is being held
captive, which is also features hilariously awkward grammar and
confusing context, but I will sum it up like so:

Quote :

Rufus looked at Aeris' face as she tried to bear the pain of having pipes shoved up her pee hole, vagina and ass.

The pee hole! Nothing goes up the pee hole! Nothing! Goes! Up! The! Pee! Hole! *cringes*

Also
Chicabo makes some remark about 'Moogle season.' Do they really hunt
moogles? I thought those things were, like, intelligent in most FFs and
non-existent in FF7. *sigh* OK, so everyone goes to bed and Chicabo has
Tifa right where she wants her...

Quote :

It was around
2 or 3 am. The door of Tifa's room slowly opened. A shadow creeps over
to a sleeping Tifa. "(Psssssst... Tifa)" "Huh? What? Who?" "(Shhhhh...
It's me Chicabo)" "(What you want?)"

Chicabo: Sex! Shit, can we get ON with this already?!

Quote :

"(Wanna
have some fun?)" "(But i'm asleep)" "(It's relaxing, you'll enjoy it)"
Chicabo was wearing a night gown and her hat. She pulled Tifa out of
bed and walked her to the door. "(Let me put some clothes on)" "(You
won't need them, I've got special wear for this)"

Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Quote :

"(Why don't we bring the guys?)" "(Only a woman can appreciate this)"

Damnit, Tifa! Kinky. Gay. Sex. That is what is going to happen next! Figure it out!

Soo, to make a long story short: nude chocobo riding.

Quote :

Chicabo was completely naked, except for her hat,

She needs that for riding.

Quote :

They
both get on their Chocobos. The second her pussy touched the Chocobo's
soft furry back, Tifa got really aroused. "AHHHH OH MY G...."

Well, that is an... interesting reaction. Dare I ask what she is on and where I can get some?

Hoo
boy, believe it or not, this whole bit and the light bondage that
follows is not the worst of it, so I am going to skim ahead some more.
They ride, they have sex. Best quotes from the sex are as follows:

Quote :

"What's wrong Honey? Don't you like me?" "No.. It's not that.."
"I know you like women. I can see it in your eyes!"

So you must like every woman ever all the time! Lesbian equals slut!

Quote :

Chicabo then begins to pump hard with her hand, feeling all over the inside, reaching the womb sometimes.

It is just not epically bad smut until someone touched someone's 'womb'.

Quote :

"I
like yours too, except, it tastes different than usual, almost like
some vegetable." "I put Greens in my pussy!" "Chocobo Greens?" "Yep.
Helps me control them. There are some other benefits, I'll tell you
them later." "Ok."

If you do not like where this is headed you should turn back now while there is still time.

Having
banged fingers and munched carpet to their hearts' delights, the loving
couple then play some chase and tie each other up. Once Chicabo gets
Tifa tied up, the real fun starts. And when I say fun, I mean if you
are a mental patient or possibly a GAFFer.

It starts with some pubic barbering:

Quote :

She got a mirror, so Tifa could see. Her pubic hair was in the shape of a Chocobo's head, just like Chicabo's

WARNING. Building WTF for epic climax. WARNING.

Quote :

"Ok..
Now... Go over there, and get on all fours!" "Well.... Ok then" Tifa
gets on all fours. Chicabo takes some Greens from her bag, and shoves
them up Tifa's cunt.

WARNING. WTF levels reaching dangerous levels. WARNING

Quote :

"Ohhhhhhh! Hey, why'd you do that?" "Remember that other benefit of Greens i was talking about? Well here it comes now."

I am sure you all see where this is going.

Quote :

Suddenly a huge furry dick rams up Tifa's cunt, it was a Chocobo.

Chocobo: DURR, PENIS GOES IN FOOD.

Seriously,
WTF? I mean, the Chocobo sex is one thing, but... with the greens and-
why would- Uhg. The worst part? This is not the worst part.

Quote :

"Ohhhhhhhhhh! Wait! Oh NO! He came inside me!"

*head
desk* But wait, there is more! After Chicabo reassures Tifa that she
will be safe from all that icky Chocobo sperm they take turns riding
each other around and then fall asleep on the ground. When Tifa wakes
up, well, Chicabo is a damn liar.

Quote :

Tifa stirred
a little, then some more, she felt some thing weird inside her. "W..
What's happening to me? I.. I.. OWWWWW!" "W... What is it Honey?"
"Th... There's something moving in my womb!

WARNING. WTF levels reaching critical mass. WARNING.

Quote :

Something shoots out of Tifa's cunt and onto Chicabo's lap. "W... What was that?" "Congratulations Honey, It's a girl!"

What.

Quote :

"WHAT???!!!!!!!!!"

*world explodes*

Quote :

"Not
many people know that humans can bear chocobo young, it only takes a
few hours, they don't even need an umbilical cord. I found out by
accident, when i dropped one of my tampons in the Greens, one thing led
to another, well,

She used the tampon after she
dropped it in the chocobo food? And having sex with a tampon in sounds
really painful. And WHY would a bird stick its dick in something the
smelled like food?! And what is up with the umbilical cord? Did this
guy just go, ‘you know what is really hot? Women giving birth. Oh,
except for that gross umbilical cord. Without that it would be
perfect.’ The part that actually broke my brain is yet to come, however.

Quote :

Tifa
slowly moves Aeris [the baby chocobo] to her left nipple. As soon as
she got sight of it, Aeris clamps on, and starts pinching it with her
beak, squirting milk, into her mouth. "Heh heh heh! That's ticklish!"

*brain explodes* Birds do not- why would- That does not sound ticklish at all!
That sounds painful and confusing! And BIRDS DO NOT PRODUCE OR DRINK
MILK. Then again, Lemon Master refers to Chocobos as being 'furry'
about five hundred times, so maybe he is confused. AND GODDAMNIT PICK A
TENSE AND STICK WITH IT YOU ILLITERATE ASSHOLE.

Quote :

"Hee
hee! I haven't had breakfast yet!" Tifa grabbed onto Chicabo's nipple
and sucked with all her strength. Aeris had had enough, and settled to
sleep on Tifa's ass.

God, I hate this fic.

OK,
so to wrap it all up: Tifa and Chicabo exchange breast milk, Chicabo
decides to lend them chocobos after all, Tifa's new baby is abandoned
at her ranch, Cloud notices Tifa's boobs are bigger, and Tifa ties up
Chicabo one last time before they leave.

Quote :

Aeris
hops up on Chicabo's breast and looks at her nipple. "No.. wait! Don't
even think about it! My tits are back to normal! No.. wait!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!......... Ow!"

Happy holidays!

Lol, looks like you beat me to the punch. Glad you liked it so much ^.^

Why is it that the part that's bothering me is that most birds don't have penises? Ducks do, I believe, and theirs can be several times longer than their body (ow ow ow) but they're about the only ones. So, chocobos are actually giant ducks?

Does anyone have a link to the audio version? Cause my iPod just lost it.

Courtesy of Zarla and her friends. It never gets old<3

No, indeed it doesn't. The best part of the recording is when the guy screams out the "IT'S SO FURRY!" line.