I swear I don't read Twilight fanfic. I watch the Just In feed on the Pit for shitfic, and this is what keeps coming up.
Anyway, because we're at the point where we have teenagers who've grown up with the Internet, here's Twilight on MSN Messenger.
So, we learn the screennames of the various sparklepires.
Klutzyhumannowvampire– bella
"Klutzy
human now vampire" is probably the best and most efficient summery of
Twilight that I've ever heard in my life. Seems like she should have
Jane Austin sign in name, since that is her entire personality outside
of Edward.
Sexyvamp4ever – Edward
A
self-hating puritan who despises his own body, and who once had to
literally struggle with himself to apply the word "sexy" to his own
girlfriend.
Lilpixievamp – alice
Alice was at the forefront of of the hamster dance craze, back in the day.
Emotionaldude – jasper
After seeing the movie, I'd guess that his name should be UncomfortableHairGelLad, or something.
Blondiebarbie – Rosalie
Rosalie
uses the Internet for one thing, and one thing only: she goes to online
stores, fills her cart with a lot of baby clothes, cries into her
hands, and exits without buying anything.
Muscularbearguy – Emmett
Emmett regularly deletes his computer's cashe, so that Rosalie doesn't find those "wrestling pictures" he likes to look at.
Klutzyhumannowvampire and sexyvamp4ever has signed in
Klutzyhumannowvampire: hi Edward!
Sexyvamp4ever: hi bella. Uh… why are we on MSN??
Klutzyhumannowvampire: well because it’s another way of communication and it’s the 21st century, every does it!
Sexyvamp4ever: ok but we’re in the same room, but if it makes you happy…
Edward
is used to dealing with people face to face, but Bella is a modern
girl. She knows that the only way to deal with people is alone, in her
room, hunched over a keyboard. She means to drag Edward kicking and
screaming into our 21st century sense of crushing isolation, dammit!
Blondiebarbie: well you better not have… anyway we are getting married
Muscularbearguy: yeah it’s true, we are…again
Blondiebarbie:
don’t complain Emmett, you told me you’d give anything for my birthday
and I wanted a wedding so shut up or our honeymoon will be shortened
Muscularbearguy: ok whatever
"I still got my wrestling pics."
klutzyhumannowvampire: their gonna have a wedding...? again? i dont understand wat's wrong with that
sexyvamp4ever: rose an em have had a lot of weddings bella... 22 or 23 maybe
klutzyhumannowvampire: oh...WOW
Think of all the starving children we could have fed!
Sexyvamp4ever: ok, now we’ve taken care of the limo, we need to get what they need for their honeymoon…
Emotionaldude: oh the joy
Sexyvamp4ever: I wonder what they are?
Emotionaldude: well I have some in mind…
Sexyvamp4ever: really? Whoa…whips and hand cuffs…??...
Emotionaldude:
yeah I know. This morning just before I went on MSN, I was looking for
Emmett. I thought he would be in his room so I walked in. I didn’t
bother to knock and they were testing there…err…toys.
Rose was wearing this enormous black strap-on, and . . . .
Sexyvamp4ever: uhh jasper. That’s a very bad image, quite literally.
I thought it was figuratively a bad image, thanks for clearing that up.
Emotionaldude: no but Rosalie will kill us if we don’t get them. We don’t really have a choice:[
Vampires using cute little emoticons.
So
from what little I can gather with the extremely limited amount of
attention I'm spending on this fic, Rose is a bitch about the wedding,
because even the minuscule amount of characterization and growth
attributed to her in the actual story is too much for fandom.
So, Alice fucks off.
Blondiebarbie: arghhh..(shrieking) (screaming, having a fit) you can’t do this to me alice!
This causes Rose to calmly and meticulously describe her little spaz attack.
And of course, the whipped cream on this fail sundae: drug humor.
Klutzyhumannowvampire: I want... umm… I WANT TO RIDE A PLANE!!!!
Sexyvamp4ever: bella what have you been doing?
Klutzyhumannovampire: shopping with alice
Emotionaldude: uh-oh. I think alice introduced her to the magic mushblood(magic mushroom and blood)
mang i'm so hiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhh right now
This
fic is terrible. It might have been bad, but not notably so (for
Twilight fanfiction), if it had been written out in simple prose.
Instead, we get this horrible IM framing device that does nothing for
it, except make it weird and to force the characters to have to write
descriptions of their own behavior, even when it's not appropriate.
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