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 DragonBall V, Season Two: "I DO NOW OWN DRAGONBALL Z"

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Jenny Islander
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DragonBall V, Season Two: "I DO NOW OWN DRAGONBALL Z" Empty
PostSubject: DragonBall V, Season Two: "I DO NOW OWN DRAGONBALL Z"   DragonBall V, Season Two: "I DO NOW OWN DRAGONBALL Z" EmptyTue Jul 21, 2009 2:14 am

The heading for this post comes from one of XZanayu's disclaimers. It's a typo, of course, but it's also accurate. In the second and hopefully final part of XZanayu's epic, Valis the avatar Mary Sue dominates everything and everyone, everywhere.

To get the full flavor of this incredible series, I suggest reading my previous DBV post. If you already have, let's jump right in!

Quote :
One year has passed since the defeat of RoJin and our heroes and heroine have enjoyed the peace that followed. During that time, Valis had completed her training in Arista-ken, became closely bonded to her family and friends, and she and Piccolo moved into their own little mansion in the sky Come to Big Al's Warehouse o' Levitating Homes for your own little mansion in the sky! located 1000 miles west of the Lookout and named their home Daimao Estates because they planned to subdivide. Yes, things have been going quite well for our heroine during those days. But, the peaceful days are once again about to be threatened.

Somewhere in space, we find a space cruiser. Inside, on the dimly lit bridge of the ship, stood four figures looking at a capsule. Inside the capsule was--

--not, thankfully, RoJin. He really did go boom, so we are spared yet another multi-page battle schematic. Unfortunately, what this "season" lacks in dull fight scenes it makes up in exposition, redundancy, explanation of the obvious, and bad Japanese. XZanayu took more than two years to post the chapters in this series, but her style has not changed one bit.

The capsule contains "a large double-edge sword with a bejeweled hilt made of pure moonstone" that can levitate, teleport, speak telepathically, and glow. It's glowing because the Solar Princess is nearby. The four figures aboard the ship are her three immortal warrior women (no, not the ones from the last fic, three other immortal warrior women) and Pogo the talking wolf. As they enthuse about seeing their princess at last, they take a moment to mention that she must be beautiful--because otherwise the reader might not remember this important point.

Meanwhile, on Chikyuu, "the entire Son family, Briefs family, Kuririn, 18, Marron, Uub, Tien, Chao-zu, Yamcha, Buu, Lunch, Puaru, Oolong, Master Roushi, and Rowan" have just joined Piccolo at the beach. Valis makes her entrance, rising from the sea in an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, hot pink, barely there bikini, and all of the males are aroused. As usual, XZanayu fails to distinguish Valis's blood relatives from the rest of the slavering pack. Valis heads over to "say hi to the girls" and we get more blather from the males about how hot she is. Goku uses the phrase "championship stock." I try not to retch. Luckily, Dende interrupts with an urgent message: Every fighter to the Lookout right away! And by "fighter" Dende means, "Everybody with a uterus who isn't Valis, stay home! You threaten her by existing."

Quote :
"Okay. I'll go tell the girls, be right back." Valis trotted over to the girls and explained the situation to them. They all frowned, but nodded their heads. They all knew that being married to the planet's protectors was hard, but over time, they took it in stride. Valis ran back over to the guys. "The girls says they'll be heading home to await the report." she told them.

The men need her to play Telephone because all of them have been rendered stupid by lust, I guess. And do "the girls" have to stay a prescribed distance from their husbands? Is there a law?

Also meanwhile, the Darkness that the Valis Warrior was born to fight has appeared "on the other side of the planet, in a lush rain forest." Like Valis, it's too good at first for this crappy story. It is believably menacing and looks cool too. The first Valis Warrior, millennia ago, thought she had destroyed it, but a fragment survived "on some dead planet where it has lain dormant since then." It looks for a moment as though the shoujo glitter is going to be replaced by a sci-fi monster movie theme, which would be a much better fit--but no such luck.

Anyway, Armand, the baddie from the future, found the fragment of Darkness and "trained" it. Armand's plot to rule the universe in the future requires letting the Darkness consume the universe in the present, which makes as much sense as anything else in this series. Armand tells his henchperson that nothing can destroy the Darkness except the Valis Blade, which is LOST FOREVAH! MWAHAHAHAAAA!

And now, Chapter Two.

We don't see the urgent meeting at Kami's Lookout. Instead, XZanayu skips ahead to a casual family visit (no females other than Valis, of course) at Daimao Estates some time later. In a page or two of aimless conversation, Goku and his sons reveal that Dende summoned the Z Senshi because he sensed a great evil. The Darkness fled before Dende could identify it, leaving a skeleton-littered desert where the jungle used to be. (It turns out that the Darkness doesn't consume the universe, just all life, dirt, and infrastructure. Presumably it poops large lighted signs that read COMING SOON: GALAXY VIEW CONDOS.) Also, Valis is experiencing massive déjà vu. I wonder why.

Meanwhile, Armand and his henchperson have sent the Darkness to "a densely populated city." As they watch it do its thing, the henchperson muses on how special this Valis Warrior must be--even more than all the other extra-special, sparkly, wonderful, angelically boombalicious Valis Warriors who came before--because the henchperson has a feeling and besides, if she didn't say it, we'd never know.

The Darkness has grown so big that every Z Senshi sensed "the disturbance" it made when it ate the city. They fly over to investigate. When Valis glimpses the Darkness, she zones out and has a vision of her past. The vision is going to be rehashed at least twice, so I'll skip it here. The plot stops for half a page as the Z Senshi hover and worry. Piccolo reveals that Valis has horrible nightmares she won't discuss and spends a lot of time staring down at Chikyuu from their floating investment. The foreshadowing is so subtle and difficult to figure out.

When they finally land in the desert the Darkness just created, only Valis can sense its presence, of course. She gets everybody back into the air and the Darkness struts its stuff:

Quote :
Just then, the ground below them started to quake and large cracks appeared. Then, a black slick erupted from the cracks rising into the sky to stop in front of Valis and the others.
"What is that?" Vegeta asked. Valis, with the far away look still in her eyes, growled at the blackness that was forming a wall.

"Leave this world or suffer my wrath." Valis said softly. A gentle golden glow began radiating from her forehead. The stationary black wall seemed to growl. The black wall roared and headed towards the fighters. Valis watched a the wall of pitch black came towards them. And this is just a detached bit of the surviving fragment of Darkness. So far, it's pretty good. Bait . . .

. . . switch. "Emmy-chan!" Vegeta yelled at her. Valis smirked at the wall closed in.

"You were warned." she said. The glow on her forehead intensified and a golden V appeared. When it did, a powerful, wide-spread blast erupted from it and collided with the wall. The wall let out an inhuman scream as it was eradicated from existence. The Z senshi looked on, hardly believing what they had just witnessed. Piccolo slowly approached Valis as the light faded and the golden V on her forehead disappeared. He floated beside her with concern in his eyes.

"Valis? Are you alright?" He asked her softly. She turned and faced him. Piccolo's eyes widened slightly when he saw the faraway look in her eyes.

"Yes. I'm fine, darling." she replied and then fainted dead away into his arms.

The Z Senshi take the unconscious Valis to Kami's Lookout. Just then, the three immortal warrior women and Pogo land from outer space--in an aircraft. Hail Xenu!

Quote :
"Please. We mean you no harm. We are here looking for our princess." she told them. "Princess?" Vegeta asked.

"Yes. [Dr. Evil for no apparent reason]I allow me to introduce myself.[/Dr. Evil and I swear this is exactly how it appeared at the Pit] My name is Tenshi." The young, black woman stood 5'8", 122lbs, brownish-black, shoulder-length hair and warm brown eyes. She wore a black, floral print, eastern style minidress and black open-toed sandals. "Welcome to Golden Dragon Mongolian Barbecue," she said cheerfully. "We'll have a seat for you in just a minute."

"And these are my friends. This is Yuki." The young white woman with short blonde hair, hazel eyes, 5'6", and 125lbs. She was dressed in a similar outfit as Tenshi only hers was red in color waved at them with a smile on her face as she cleared off a table, pocketing the tip.

"And this is Mai." The young japanese woman with long, jet black hair, dark brown eyes, 5'5", and a 122lbs. Her outfit was the same as her comrades only blue in color and she nodded at them. "Will that be smoking or non-smoking? This way, please."

"And this is Pogo." She finished looking at the large white wolf with blue eyes sitting beside her. "Please don't tell the Health Department that we have a dog in here. We can't get him to leave, but he's so cute!"

"Greetings." the wolf said. The Z senshi relaxed their stances after sensing that they posed no threat to them or the planet by the power of the almighty plot device.

There must be another round of introductions. There must be a recap of the mysterious scene in Chapter 1. There must be a joyous reunion with wagging and happy tears. There must be yet another dippy transformation, which leaves Valis looking like a high school homecoming queen with delusions of Audrey Hepburn, except with "a pair of transparent, rainbow-colored butterfly wings." XZanayu has beaten all vulnerability, humility, and humanity out of her OC. From now on, Mary Sue reigns unchecked.

Valis has finally remembered a piece of her [reverb]DESTINY[/reverb] and explains:

Quote :
"What you see before you is my true figure. My other costumes have padded bras. My name is Solar Princess Valis of Eugenia." she told them.

"Eugenia?" Goten asked.

"Yes. My home planet, where I was born. I was not born on Vegetasei, but I did live the rest of my life there with my father and my brothers after Eugenia died. And when Freeza blew up Vegetasei, I went boom along with it. The end."

"How did the entire planet die?" Vegeta asked. "That makes your record three for three. Are you sure you were born to fight the Darkness?"

"I don't know. My memory has not fully returned as of yet, but I'm sure it will eventually. I can only tell about the entity that were are up against now. Here, on Chikyu." So XZanayu does realize that DB and DBZ are not set on Earth! Points to her.

There must be more recapping of the previous chapter. Finally, Valis produces an actual revelation:

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"I'm not sure. The only answer is that someone summoned it here. Why? I'm not sure. Whoever did bring the Darkness have no idea what they have unleashed on the world. The Darkness cannot be controlled, it only consumes. Not just planets and galaxies, but the entire universe is endanger from it."

Valis gets tired of reciting recycled exposition and leaves the Z Senshi to talk to her telepathic sword. The V-Blade is all about the exposition. It repeats everything we already know at least twice, so I'll just give you a sample.
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PostSubject: Re: DragonBall V, Season Two: "I DO NOW OWN DRAGONBALL Z"   DragonBall V, Season Two: "I DO NOW OWN DRAGONBALL Z" EmptyTue Jul 21, 2009 2:15 am

Quote :
[Mojo Jojo]Valis warriors were created by the Creator of the universe to look after and protect the universe. They were held in the highest esteem next to the Archangel Micheal, only the Valis warriors were giving unlimited power. They would need them to protect the universe when needed.* [/Mojo Jojo] The V-Blade began to explained. What an interesting tense you've discovered, your highness.

*Such a time was when the Darkness first appeared. The Darkness is pure evil left over from the beginning of time after Heaven and Earth were first created. It was horrible. It consumes everything in its path. We KNOW. The universe was in mortal danger and nearly destroyed until the Creator made the first Valis warrior and the V-Blade. Her purpose to defeat the darkness and protect the universe. Which you said in the PRECEDING PARAGRAPH. Valis I gathered an army of powerful warriors to fight the minions of the Darkness. Finally, Valis confronted the Darkness with me, but the cost was great. We lost many fighters that day and Valis was severely wounded, but luckily she survived.*

The other survivors from Valis I's army--Yuki, Tenshi, Mai, and Pogo--went off and did . . . whatever immortal supporting characters do offstage. Meanwhile, Valis I became Queen of Eugenia and "carried on the Valis warrior bloodline" until she died and was reincarnated as her own twelfth-generation descendant, our main character, to whose specialness there shall be no end. Each queen of Eugenia must have married an offworlder from a different species because XZanayu says elsewhere that Valis Warriors are born into a different species each time. This leads me to imagine a Ginyu Force made up of Valis Warriors in their "true figures."

And back to space we go! Just in case we didn't get it the first time, Armand repeats that the Valis Blade is LOST FOREVAH. We also get a description of the henchperson. It's obvious that she's "vain and full of herself" because she is wearing "this tight, slutty, outfit, hot pink in color." Because only that kind of person would wear an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, hot pink . . . wait.

Chapter Six is upon us! After a recap of Chapter Five (in case we forgot already):

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"We assure you that its the true. All your base . . . oh, forget it. The Darkness is beyond anything you've ever faced before. We have and its not to be underestimated. Take my apostrophes. Please! When the battle with the Darkness arrived the first time, our army numbered in the thousands. But, when it was all said and done, only the guardians and Valis I made it back alive." The V-blade stated returning to Valis' hand.

"Yes. Only this time, its me, the V-blade, and the guardians to face off against the Darkness. I don't want to involve any of you, but we will need help and even with you we have a slim chance to win." Valis said. "It's not as if Kakarott here ever became one with the Dragonballs or anything."

"But, I thought the V-blade could destroy the Darkness with you wielding it?" Piccolo asked looking down at her.

"No. Princess Valis has not been trained to use the full power of the V-blade. It will take Valis a total of three years to harness its true power." Pogo said. --Walla Walla, Wash., and Kalamazoo!/Norah's fainting on the trolley--sorry, sorry, I'll stop now.

Vegeta points out that Valis can train in the Room of Spirit and Time, where one year passes for every day that passes outside. Valis thinks that's "Awesome!"

Quote :
"And while you're in there, we will be preparing ourselves as well." Goten said.

"You mean that you will help us?" Mai asked.

"Of course. I don't know why my sister Goten has a sister now? even asked us if we would help in the first place. She knows that we Z senshi are always there for each other and besides."

Goku Oh. walked up to his sister and stood by her. "She's family and I will protect her and that goes for all of us, right guys?" Would somebody please explain to me how anybody could confuse a paragraph break and an ellipsis?

The Z senshi nodded. "Arigato, minna."

Valis said with a bright smile. "Well, I suggest we get started." Tenshi said. Or a paragraph break and a space? Or a paragraph break and a comma?

"Okay, but I'm going to need a sparring partner in the room with me. I don't want to train alone and I would really like the company." Valis said.

"I'll go in with you, Emmy-chan." Vegeta spoke up before anyone else did. I used to think that going off to have a good cry was the worst OOC I would ever see inflicted on my poor, canonraped, cosmically powerful angry little man. Alas for the days of my innocence.

"I think I should go." Piccolo said clearly upset by Vegeta's volunteering.

Valis placed a hand on her koi's arm. "I think Vegeta would be a better choice for a training partner, Piccolo-chan. Piccolo . . . chan. Not that anything's wrong with you besides the utter lack of genitalia, but G-man is a level four super saiya-jin. He would be a better partner. You don't have a problem with that, do you?" She asked.

Piccolo was quiet for a few moments, then conceded. "Alright. I'll train with Goku and Gohan out here." He told her reluctantly.

Valis hugged him and whispered in his ear. "Don't be jealous. You have my heart and my love, not Vegeta-chan." Valis assured him. Vegeta . . . chan.

Piccolo placed a soft kiss on her neck and released her from their embrace.

"After you, G-man." Vegeta lead the way inside towards the Room of Spirit and Time followed by Valis. There was a cold smile on his face that the dead of many ravaged planets would have recognized. He would do what Kakarott was too tenderhearted to do: eliminate the scourge from their midst.

The Guardians looked up in confusion as an aircraft landed from the atmosphere. "The girls" stepped out, armed variously with ki, Dr. Gero's super-powerful technology, Bulma's new Canon Ray, and sheer rage. The Z Senshi and their loved ones formed a circle that closed in steadily on the OCs--and then I woke up.


It is very important that we know who is going to train with whom for the next three days, so XZanayu carefully spells it out. Nevertheless, I don't care. Valis begins training with "her best friend since childhood" and the story lurches into Chapter Seven. I just spared you two pages of excruciating conversation. Thank me later; we have another sixteen-plus pages of story ahead of us and Chapter Seven is introduced "JUST IN TIME FOR VALENTINE'S DAY."

The unimportant stuff is disposed of in three short paragraphs at the beginning. Valis and Vegeta are done training and are better friends than ever. Everybody has gotten stronger, although it's only been three days in the outside world. And:

Quote :
Yuki and Goten are a couple, Bulma supplied a capsule house for Tenshi, Yuki, Mai, and Pogo to live in and Tenshi, Yuki, and Mai were all working at Capsule Corp., Majin Buu What? and Uub WHAT? had also trained and joined up with the Z senshi to lend a hand with the upcoming battle. Which . . . it . . . WHAT? But never mind this unimportant detail; the real plot begins below.

The night Vegeta and Valis come out of the Room of Spirit and Time, there's a big party at Daimao Estates. Valis dances with everybody and XZanayu continues to collect 'em all. Thank God, she draws the line at actual incest. Goten got Yuki, so in the interests of symmetry, Goku is going to get another Guardian.

XZanayu wrote:
Tenshi smiled and blushed. She really liked this Son Goku. Not only was he handsome, he was funny, cheerful, unselfish, caring, and a awesome fighter just like the princess. Even though, he was dingy, it just added to his charm.

She sighed dreamily.

*Too bad he's already spoken for. What am I saying?! Its not like I'm in love with him. I mean, we just met. I can't be in love with him! That's right, I'm not in love with Valis' hot brother. Did I just say he was hot?! I hope am not blushing.* Tenshi said to herself.

Oh, and because this spoils absolutely nothing for anybody, there's a big white wedding at the end of this fic. Goku and Tenshi get to be in the wedding party while Chichi is cooking the entire reception dinner . . . a thousand miles away.

After the "Yay, we powered up!" party, Piccolo and Valis snuggle in "the master bedroom" and discuss their plans for "what the ningen's refer to as Valentine's day." Piccolo pretends not to have any because he's cooked up a wonderfully romantic surprise. But first, more character assassination!

Quote :
The next day, Piccolo was sparring with Gohan at their usual sparring spot in the forest since Valis went with Bulma, Videl, and Pan to the mall in West city to go shopping. The two sparred until the sun was high in the sky before taking a break. Both are now laying on the grass panting heavily, their tops removed as the gentle breeze cooled their heated bodies. Ma'am, this is the Fanfic Police. Both hands on the keyboard, please.

"Whew! You're right, Piccolo-san. I am most definitely out of shape." Gohan said looking up at the afternoon sky beside the man he considered a second father.

"Its your own fault, ne?" Piccolo said.

Gohan glanced at him and sighed.

"Yeah, I know. My mom's turned me into a total nerd and I let her. How could I have let her notice that I was gifted? How could I have loved to study and develop my mind? How could I have let her set me on a path toward financial security and peace? How could I have felt guilty about leaving her to worry as I went into combat at a ridiculously young age? What was I thinking--that my mother loves me or something?"

Piccolo snorted.

"Gohan, you know as well as I do that you're mother is a tyrant that has to have her way. What I can't believe is that you let her turn Videl and Pan both into versions of her." Piccolo shivered.

Gohan blushed, embarrassed that anybody might mistake this complete boor for his old friend and sensei.

"Aw, come on, Piccolo-san."

"You know its true, kid. If Videl and Pan hadn't both gone shopping with Bulma and Valis, you wouldn't even be here and you know it. At least, Trunks managed to get away from Pan before she got her nails into him. I'm . . . I . . . no words. Don't get me wrong, kid. I love Pan like my own daughter, but she's turned into a shrew just like her mother and grandmother. I had so much hope for her not becoming like them, but to be a fighter. Such a pity. All that potential wasting away." Piccolo stated. "I mean, your mom could've let you and your brother go to bed hungry while she concentrated on her training. And your wife? Totally not one of the strongest humans who ever lived. Oh, and your daughter never fought beside her grandfather for months. And anybody who does fight is good and noble and kind and never insults people behind their backs."

Gohan remained silent. What could he say? Everything his best friend said was correct and he couldn't argue with it. So, he changed the subject. His brother got Yuki and his dad's going to get Tenshi, so I guess that leaves him with Mai. Or Pogo. Or is Trunks going to end up with Pogo?
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PostSubject: Re: DragonBall V, Season Two: "I DO NOW OWN DRAGONBALL Z"   DragonBall V, Season Two: "I DO NOW OWN DRAGONBALL Z" EmptyTue Jul 21, 2009 2:16 am

But on to more important topics, such as the "5-karat emerald and diamond engagement ring" that Piccolo somehow saved up eighty thousand zenni to buy. Gohan exclaims in awe. Piccolo blushes and smiles. I wonder what XZanayu's idea of a good income source for him would be. Maybe I should be glad that I don't know.

Reading about Piccolo's romantic plan made me want to scream and throw things, so I'll spare you with a synopsis. Piccolo surprises Valis with a gift of Marilyn Monroe's famous white dress from The Seven-Year Itch. Having become the complete metro-asexual, he puts on "a purple dress shirt, black pants, and black patent leather shoes" and takes her out to "Julie's restaurant" for a lobster dinner. It somehow adds to the pain that XZanayu is aware that Piccolo does not eat. They slow dance and all eyes are upon them. "They heard complements on how good they looked together or how much in love they looked." After they go home, "Piccolo-chan" proposes to his "kitten," who responds, "Yes! Yes, I will marry you, my green bean head. I love you." Then XZanayu apologizes for not having written a lemon scene. Oh, that's all right. Really.

Chapter Eight is 95 percent people exclaiming over Valis's engagement. Raise your hands, everybody who didn't see that coming.

Yeah, I thought so.

The other five percent of the chapter is even worse. Here's an example of Chichi's tyrannical, shrewish behavior: "Make sure you guys are back at a decent hour. If not, let me know that you're going to stay overnight okay, Goku?" That bitch. How dare she? Also, Vegeta is extremely upset that Valis is getting married and he thinks Bulma is annoying. Also, it is very funny that Bulma sits with him as he eats breakfast so that when he is shocked at the news of Valis's engagement, he can spit chewed food all over her face. Ha. Ha. So much for Chapter Eight.

No, wait, one more thing: "the girls" are helping Valis plan her wedding. 'Cause she and Piccolo are so nice to them and all. Yeah.

In Chapter Nine, Valis promises Vegeta that she will always be his Emmy-chan and we get a flashback that explains why he picked her as his fiancee and playmate: She smelled nicer than all the other children. So much for Chapter Nine.

Chapter Ten contains a description so hilariously surreal that you may not believe your mind's eye. Armand interrupts the wedding plans with an anonymous message demanding that Valis meet the Darkness in combat. Valis agrees. And this is how the guardian angel of the entire universe and her three companions prepare for a battle of cosmic significance:

Quote :
"Um, V-chan? Isn't that outfit showing a bit much?" Yamcha asked still blushing.

"Sorry about that guys. But, this is the outfit that is worn by Valis senshi to fight the Darkness. Its secondary purpose besides armor is to decieve the enemy and keep him or her distracted and off their game." she told them.

"So you're dressed in spike-heeled boots, opera gloves, and a thong leotard because it's armor? And because the Darkness will be turned on when it sees you? Lady, it has no eyes and it eats everybody. Were you hit on the head recently?" Yamcha said incredulously. But Valis ignored him; he was just jealous. She looked at her female protectors and saw what they were wearing and smiled.

"I see you three have suited up in your original armor as well." Valis said. Translation: Sleeveless green spandex bodysuit, red midriff top with white miniskirt, and lavender sleeveless turtleneck with white shorts.

This is almost cute, like a little girl putting her Barbie doll into a shoebox and saying that Barbie's swimsuit is a spacesuit because the shoebox is a rocketship. But Valis still has to be exorcised from my brain, so I'm going to rewrite the end of this fic for XZanayu, who actually posted four more chapters. (Here's the gist: Blah blah great big battle in which the Darkness is silently screaming "I'M TOO GOOD FOR THIS CRAPPY FIC, GET ME OUT OF HERE." Blah blah Valis unconscious and revived by the Power of Love. Blah blah victory, blah blah Eight-Star Dragonball shows up, blah blah big white wedding with Piccolo, blah blah Goku and Gohan get to be in the wedding party with their assigned OC love interests but their wives are respectively cooking and who the hell knows, blah blah lemon scene I refused to read, blah blah twins on the way, the end. About the only surprise is that Piccolo is the one in white; Valis is wearing a "mermaid-style, strapless dress" with a train, the whole thing covered in sapphires and diamonds, plus a veil and several pounds of additional mismatched bling. Read it if you want to--but this right here is the only end to this fic that makes any frigging sense.)

Quote :
They smiled back and nodded. But from somewhere close by, Valis could hear slightly hysterical feminine laughter. She drew the Valis Blade and looked around suspiciously. "Something evil is near--I can sense it!" she said.

Her old playmate G-Man, her Vegeta-chan, was staring at her with an expression that she had never seen on his face before. It frightened her. She looked to her Green Bean Head for help, but he was staring at her too, powerful, manly arms folded across his broad, masculine chest. In fact, all of the Z Senshi were in the room, even the ones she had decided wouldn't be there. They stood shoulder to shoulder with the strangely formidable "girls," forming a circle with Valis in the middle, as if they were playing some kind of game she could not understand. "What's going on?" she asked suspiciously. "Goten, pumpkin, why are you staring at me that way?"

"Because you're a creepy weirdo," Goten said, "and we don't have to put up with you any longer. Your dad finally signed the commitment papers and the ambulance is coming for you now."

"Treachery!" she snarled. "Guardians, to me!"

Yuki, Tenshi, and Mai giggled nervously and backed slowly towards the door. "Like, it's been fun," Yuki said, "but, like, it's time to go back to college now? And thanks for letting us use the plane? Even though we had to pretend it was a spaceship?"

"Yeah, thanks for the party," Tenshi said, twirling a lock of her hair in her fingers, "and for letting us use your credit cards to buy these clothes. Even if we had to pretend they were armor."

"I guess we'll see you in class--after they let you out," Mai chirped. "Ja ne! 'Bye, Bra!"

"Just leave," the invisible feminine voice said coldly. "And take the dog with you."

Pogo said nothing. He was noisily cleaning his nether regions with his tongue.

Stunned and heartbroken, Valis turned to her lady's maid. "Rowan?" she whispered pathetically.

"Don't look at me," Rowan said. "I was just doing my job flying your family's limo when you flipped out and hijacked my life. If Ms. Briefs hadn't begged me to help her keep an eye on you, I would've been out of there like a shot."

The invisible voice sighed. "I thought it was so cool that the richest heiress in the world was in my classes and wanted to be my friend. I'm sorry, everyone. I had no idea that she would act like this. It was like she was trying to take over my life and push me out of it."

"Not to mention every woman in both our families," Gohan said grimly. "You guys didn't hear what she said to me when she showed up dressed as Piccolo and said that she was him and it was time to spar. I had a hard time pulling my punches."

"Yeah, but it was useful having her pretend that you didn't exist, Bra-chan," Kakarott--Kakarott!--said, grinning. "And it was pretty funny watching you fake her ki attacks for her and hold her up in the air while she was making those speeches."

"I still don't understand why you didn't just beat her up and tell her to get the hell out," Vegeta said.

"Well, she was a complete pest, but she wasn't actually doing anything illegal," Bulma told him. "We had to show the court that she was too crazy to be allowed out on her own, which meant letting her do her thing with a camera around to record it for the judge."

"I'm sorry," the horribly familiar invisible voice said again in tones of shame. "I thought she was just a good listener. I shouldn't have talked about Vegetasei or Freeza or the Dragonballs. And I shouldn't have tried to impress her by taking her to the Lookout."

"No harm done," Vegeta told the voice. "Where she's going, nobody will believe her anyway."

"I am still in the room," Valis quavered, shaking with fury and humiliation. "I am NOT AMUSED. Kakarott, you're my baby brother! Green Bean Head, I AM YOUR FUTURE! G-Man--"

"Never call me that again," Vegeta said quietly. She found that she could no longer speak.

Just as her treacherous Guardians and Pogo were headed out the door, several large evil aliens dressed in clean white coats came in. "There she is, guys," Bulma said. "The one with her butt hanging out." They smiled grimly and strode toward her.

Valis quickly drew the V-Blade. Somehow, though, it had no effect on the hulking barbarians! She tried to fly, but crashed down after a short leap into the air. Her ankle twisted and then there was a sudden jab in her perfectly formed, taut, tanned left buttock and ssblghgghl lookit the pretty colors.

"That's a first," one of the orderlies said as they strapped her to a gurney. "I never had an exotic dancer attack me with a light-up toy sword before."

As the doors of the ambulance began to close, Valis saw her G-Man, her Vegeta-Chan, nod approvingly to a hateful blue-haired stranger whose form swam out from the swirling butterfly rainbows. And then--oh, no!--her beloved baby brother put his arm around the horrible girl and said, "Thanks for getting her dad to have her committed. She was funny sometimes, but it was annoying having her butt in when I had come back from traveling with Shenlon just so I could visit Chichi, you know?"

"Yeah," rumbled--heartbreakingly, impossibly--her Green Bean Head, her destined consort. "But it's too bad--I managed to finish the tasks I was sent back to do, even with the little bimbo hanging off my arm. Now I have to head back to HFIL and I didn't get to see you punch her out. It would've been nice to see the real princess in action."

The doors closed and the ambulance rose from the curb, heading for City Psychiatric Hospital. Inside, Valis babbled on about Dragonballs and crowns, thrones, Darkness, magical enemy-distracting thongs and Prince music videos. Yuki, Tenshi, and Mai, after making a pact never to talk about how they had spent their unexpected vacation, looked into making up for the exams they had missed. Rowan breathed a sigh of relief and went back to her old job, while the Turtle Hermit sighed sadly and made a date with his favorite magazine. Pogo was sent to a shelter and quickly adopted by a kindly couple who gave him a good life with lots of walks and regular grooming. Mr. Satan went about his life blissfully oblivious of the part he had played in one woman's delusions. The Z Senshi and their families and friends enjoyed the return to normality (or what passes for it in DB canon). And somehow, the world went on without the Valis Warrior.

Stick a fork in me; I'm done.
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DragonBall V, Season Two: "I DO NOW OWN DRAGONBALL Z" Empty
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