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 Someone got what they asked for (no, really)

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Someone got what they asked for (no, really) Empty
PostSubject: Someone got what they asked for (no, really)   Someone got what they asked for (no, really) EmptyWed May 25, 2016 9:35 pm

First sporking ever, so yeah, constructive criticism of my brutal rip-aparts, please.

So there I am reading terrible, terrible things, when suddenly, I find this gem.  It features such inspiring lines as
A sick fuck wrote:


I ain't even lyin' - YO HE JUST GOT DUNKED ON!

Yep yep, Kaji was fished out of the pool of his own vomit a few minutes later. He had showered between then and when Asuka saw him again, though.
That's right.  The guy writing this divides his stories almost one sentence per line, as though this were like a fourth-grade English quiz.
What monstrosity did I discover?
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] of course.
Well, belly of the beast.  Here we go.
Quote :
Asuka woke up. Today would be glorious.


Who was she kidding? Every day is glorious when you're the great Asuka Langley Sohryu. But today would be slightly less great. Today, she would meet the Third Child, who was apparently quite the bore, and apparently an idiot. Not fabulous at all. Or so a lesser woman would think. She thought better of herself than that.
This confused me until I realized that Asuka was thinking that she is better by not jumping to conclusions.  I guess the guy or girl writing this has no proofreader, or at least, the proofreader is high of their ass.
Quote :

Kaji opened the door.

"Hey Asuka, the plane's going to arrive. Get dressed."

Were this a far less realistic show, hearts would appear in her eyes. As it was, she simply attempted to arm grab to keep up appearances.

"Not now, kiddo."

"But later?"

"Way later."

It was then that Asuka got onto the deck. The aircraft landed and disgorged Shinji and the two idiots.
You see those three lines of dialogue?  They managed to last long enough for someone to get from their berth in the middle of a boat to a flight deck.
Quote :

"Okay, congratulations. You get to be my venting victim from now."

A hat was blown towards her. She stepped on it, picked it up, and wordlessly handed it to Toji. The wind tunneled harmlessly behind her.

The Rheinland Military was in town.
I actually had to google this, but apparently it's from some game in 2003 (That won some IGN award, I forget what.)  The story isn't done, but now I'm assuming Asuka is a Nomad now.
Quote :

Asuka went through the motions of asking,

"So who's the Third. Please tell me it isn't him."

Misato spoke up.

"No, it's actually Shinji here."

"I'm going to take him to have a discussion, okay?"

"I need him in one piece, you hear!"

"She means well. She really does. But sometimes, she's hilarious."
At least everyone's in character so far.  I'm sure that nothing could...
Quote :

Shinji was all but attempting to become one with a corner.

"Okay Ikari, let's get three things straight. Number one..."

She advanced on him, grabbed him by the shoulders, and shook him.


She let go.

"Number two: Asuka Sohryu, pleased to make your acquaintance."

"The pleasure is mine."

"Number three: You will assist me, and desertion will not go unpunished."
I have no idea what just happened, but I'm sinning it anyway.
Quote :

Meanwhile, Shinji had gone into a state of panic.

"Of course, the last one had to be insane. Ha, she fits right in."

Asuka then picked him up by the shoulders again.

"Oh, relax. That was just for appearances. So, friends?"

"Oh... okay."

"That wasn't too hard, was it?"

"No it wasn't."

"You're adorable. I think we're going to be very good friends."

Shinji was afraid. Inside his head...

"*alarm sounds* Girl! Girl!"
That's right, he ripped off Inside-Out.
Quote :

Asuka was shaking him again.

"You zoned out. I know your type."

"You do?"

"Yes. You'll make everything ambiguous to duck responsibility. That happens to make me very angry. But, I know exactly what you've gone through, so I'm going to be nice to you. Any time you start attempting to waffle, I will call you out on it. If you continue, then I'll get angry. And you won't like me when I'm angry."

"Gee thanks."

Asuka dragged him back to his friends.

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?"

"Toji, Kensuke, meet... Asuka."

With some effort, the two guys looked away from her chest, but not fast enough, because she noticed.

"Okay you two. Let's get three things straight. Number one..."

[Ego legis sum.]
Jesus Christ, this is boring.  No entertaining errors, no sex, no nothing.  Just... talking and talking.  Luckily, I read the whole damn fic (well, as much of it as is out, but still...) so I know that there are parts worth actually mocking.
Quote :

Asuka threw Shinji one of her plugsuits.

"Okay idi- Shinji, we're going to kill us an Angel."

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"What's the worst that could happen?"

[Let's see here...]
That's right, the author comments with brackets mid-story.  Shameful.
Quote :

Unit-02 deployed after a brief "language barrier" issue.

"Okay, the Angel's over there, I'm over here, and there are a bunch of boats between there and here."

"Work with me here, Mama. I won't let you down."

Shinji didn't get it, or didn't appear to get it.

"We're going to play hopscotch."

It was then that Shinji realized that he was in the same robot as either someone truly inspired, or a complete loon.

Asuka willed her damn robot to jump from ship to ship, luring over a friendly neighborhood Gaghiel.

Shinji had been reduced to a slightly panicked adolescent, and noted that Asuka was keeping her cool.

"Good. Means that she can solo the Angels."

Asuka whipped out her Prog Knife and wasted no time going for the gullet.

"You're insane!"

"Quiet! I'm trying to work here."

The force from their push-off rolled Gaghiel onto its side, and the Prog Knife cutting its core off was a definite minus towards its chances of survival.


Oh, he dead.
That's right.  They literally run in, disregarding size, and cut one place.  They promptly win.  That is bullshit.
Quote :

For an encore, Kaji attempted to take off in his plane after the action was over in the worst timing ever, but Asuka literally jumped off the surface of the Gaghiel corpse that had surfaced right next to his ship, grabbed his plane, turned it upside-down, and began to shake it.

"I think I'm going to be BLEEEEARGH!"

[Why Kaji cryin'? CUZ HE JUST GOT DUNKED ON!]

[ I ain't even lyin' - YO HE JUST GOT DUNKED ON!]
BBCode is fun.  It thinks I want to make this italics.
Quote :

Yep yep, Kaji was fished out of the pool of his own vomit a few minutes later. He had showered between then and when Asuka saw him again, though.


"I know."

"Run that by me again."

"I know."

Kaji sighed. They were playing THAT game. However, Lightbulb...

"I have no idea what you know about. Considering the wide array of skeletons in the closets of everyone involved, I have no idea which particular thing you know about that you're attempting to bring up."

"Damn, he's good."

"Kaji, I know about that suitcase."

"Oh, you mean the exotic shrimp? Apparently, it's a rare breed, and they have a... well, it's one half of a breeding pair, and they have the other one over where we're going."

"And that explanation is technically true, but I know what he's up to. Dun dun dun."

"Asuka, you okay?"

"Just thinking. Okay, done. *ahem* Kaji, why?"

"Come again?"

"Why would you do that?"

"Could you please be more specific?"

"I'll help you get into Misato's pants if you tell all."

"Count me in!"

You wot m8?

Quote :

"And that's the long and short of it."

"Thanks, Kaji."

"No sweat. So, how's the Ikari boy coming along?"

"He's a wimp, but considering exactly what he's gone through on top of exactly what's waiting for us, he needs help. And I can help myself by helping him."

"That's an awful mature thing for you to say."

"Excuse me?"

"I had you pegged as the 'lonely angsty female teenager with an idol who desperately wishes for an idealized adulthood'."

"You'll find I am full of surprises. And now for my end."

Asuka produced from her tucked in jacket a pair of Misato's pants.

"There you go. One pair of Misato's pants. I'll help you put them on."

Kaji [And presumably a particularly immature reader] fell to the floor laughing.

I know I can have maturity issues, but this is Beavis and Butthead-tier.

Quote :

"Asuka, you are brilliant. Never change."

Misato then burst into the room.

"Katsuragi-mania's about to run wiiiiiiiiiild! Asuka, leave the room."

Asuka did not need to be told twice.

I can only hear it like this.
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Quote :

As she was walking down the halls, her attempt at eavesdropping over after the sounds of debauchery could be heard, she ran into Shinji.

[Asuka, "down in the dumps" while Kaji is apparently boning his girlfriend (or something), comes across someone she can exercise power over? Hmmm...]

"Shinji, you are coming with me."

Not that she really gave him a chance to respond, given that his arm was firmly... umm, it was between her breasts, but she either didn't notice, or was testing him, or simply time-bombing something so she could call him a pervert at any point during the proceedings. Unfortunately for his self-esteem, he decided to do something so unbelievably stupid that it would forever change history (or something).

*alarm sounds* Romance!  Romance!

Quote :

"Um... Asuka, what are you doing?"

"I am dragging you off to torture you in my dungeon for the rest of the trip."



Soon enough, they got to Asuka's bunk.

"Shinji, there's something you need to know about some things."


"To begin with, you're a neurotic blob of apathy. I know exactly what you are dealing with."

"No, you don't."

"Try me."

"Okay, Miss High-and-Mighty, you know what I'm going through?"

Her hands moved to his shoulders.

"Crippling fear of other people, yet seeking approval. You believe your father sees you as a means to an end. You will take the path of least resistance, simply because it will end the conversation NOW. You are emotionally stunted and neurotic, and believe you are beyond help... but you are not. Let me help you."

"Help me how?"

And then she kissed him.

On the lips.


This was taking a lot longer than anyone would think.

Good God, how much lung capacity did he have?

Oh, he froze...

And fainted, apparently. Bloody...

*internalized sigh*

Good job, team. Way to hustle out there.

Asuka then hauled her comatose cabana boy to her dungeon for a spot of torture.

[Yet again, the lack of agency on Shinji's part is somewhat disturbing.]

I remember seeing that line somewhere in a sporking of something else somewhere on this site.  I guess the author has good taste in that regard.
That's literally the whole first chapter.  Only a thousand words (or so).  Methinks the person writing this is a middle schooler doing the infamous five-paragraph essays.
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PostSubject: Re: Someone got what they asked for (no, really)   Someone got what they asked for (no, really) EmptyThu May 26, 2016 4:26 pm

Fuck you, cumguzzler.
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PostSubject: Horrible Time Travel Romance Fic has nothing interesting happen.   Someone got what they asked for (no, really) EmptyWed Jun 01, 2016 4:42 pm

Thank you for you scintillating comment.  Unless you have a magic trick to avoid having to transcribe those thousand-word chunks word-for-word, then make it fit the coding here, I'd like to see you do better.  Anyway, without further ado, the next gripping chapter of "me reading what should be a punishment for war crimes".

Here.  This helps.
Quote :

[Before you ask, this entire story is a spin-off from a one-shot "what-if" in my other semi-good EVA story "A Voice In His Head". So, to those who are worried about pacing... this is why. Also, I'm going to give a half-assed "justification" for the timing by saying that Asuka has a plan that will never be actually disclosed, but can be summed up as: Come back, get Shinji to not hate her, rip apart the Angels this time around without help, get hitched, ?, PROFIT. (And they're going to name their kid either Aki or Misato.)]

Asuka stared at her reflection in the mirror.

"I know what you're thinking. 'Did he fire six shots or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"
If that shatters your high expectations, then fuck you, cumguzzler.  There is even more inspiring literary work in that vein where that came from.
Quote :

Shinji stared at his deuteragonist, I mean obvious love interest, I mean teammate, looking for all the world like a crazed killer out to kill him, so just about normal for her, and she beckoned to him.

"Hello, Shinji. Get over here."

Against his better judgement, he did.

"About yesterday," Asuka began, before noting Shinji's wilting.

She knew the solution for that!

She shook him by the shoulders, and pulled him into a tight embrace.

"I meant it."

Unfortunately, that moment was not to last, as Misato engaged Operation WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS and came in.

"Did I walk in on something?"
I'm going to sin this for My Immortal.
Quote :

Asuka was more than a little miffed.

"Yes, Misato. What is it?"

"We're going to be pulling up in a couple of hours, so you two had better wrap up the hanky-panky."

If Shinji was red then, now one could lose his face in Asuka's hair.

Asuka released him.

"I will not have the SNAFU of last time. This time, he's mine, and there's nothing anyone can do about it."

Fortuitously, they had made landfall on a Japan's equivalent of a Friday, situated her on Saturday, leaving Sunday free to slip into the school's computer systems... specifically, the intercom.

[Everything's wired. Everything. Not a plot point, but an easy justification.]

Her formal entrance would be glorious.
Now, surely, it will be something nice and low-key, right?  She's going to just drop in and say "Hello" before getting to her seat, right?
Quote :

On the first day of school, I...

Asuka's entrance into the classroom was heralded by the opening riffs of "Agent Tex".

Toji and Kensuke looked at each other, got up, and left the room. Nope, not dealing with this.
Those two summarize my opinion of this fic.
Quote :

Seconds later, they were browbeaten by Class Rep Horaki into coming back in.

These guys never catch a break when Asuka's around, don't they.
Learn to tense, nub.
Quote :

Asuka immediately came up to Hikari. Dear sweet understanding Hikari, the only one of this group that she could stomach. In retrospect, she didn't deserve half the shit Asuka threw at her in the first go-round. Actually, in retrospect... Oh, that would be perfect.

"Hey, Class Rep, I'm new around here. So what kind of activities are done in the downtime?"

"Come again?"

"What happens on lunch break?"

"Oh. Stick with me and I'll show you the ropes."

The class actually happened.

OH FOR GOD'S SAKE, DID THEY DO ANYTHING THAT WASN'T SECOND IMPACT-RELATED? Who the bloody hell was Simon Bolivar? Oh, the Katanas of the Rising Sun never happened.

Why the bloody hell do they have an outdated DSM?


Was that just a pop culture reference disguised as education?

Is there any meaning behind this, or is the author too lazy to actually detail an actual school day?

And just like that, lunch break. (Thank God.)
My money is on laziness.  It really is.  (One look-up later...) So that's who Simon Bolivar is.  Huh.
Quote :

Hikari noted Shinji handing Asuka a bento. Because of her Class Rep contraband-sniffing abilities, she could smell the food all the way over there. It smelled delicious... almost enough to make her want to interrogate Asuka over her source, that's how good it was.

To continue this, the food smelled excellent, and it was making her hungry. She pulled out her plain bento. It was stuff she made herself, and actually pretty good. Then again, this fandom has "I Think It Just Moved" Misato on one end and Chef Gordon Shinji on the other, so things tend to be skewed one way or another.

[Do you get it? The food is good. Do you need more shilling on how good his cooking is? Yes? Okay.]
You know, I'm reminded of this Brazilian cartoon, I think it was called Ratatoing.
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Quote :

Toji and Kensuke came up. Toji spoke up, saying, "Shinji, I had no idea that Misato could cook so well."

Hikari decided to get up the courage to ask Asuka where Shinji got their food before she murdered Toji for assuming anything. The fact that Asuka could barely hold in her laughter stayed her hand.. for now, the punks.

"Oh, Shinji makes it himself."

At that, Toji looked at Shinji and said,

"You know what, that's... entirely believable."

[Would Toji be a dick with Hikari around? You tell me.]
Yes. Literally the whole point of him in canon is to be a moron.
Quote :

Shinji made ready to hang with Toji and Kensuke as normal, but not today. Oh, no. Asuka would see to that. Oop, there she goes.

"Hello, Ayanami."

"Hello, Pilot Sohryu."

"Can I talk to you?"

"I have not been ordered to talk to you."

"*sigh* You do realize there's a little thing called self-determination. You might want to look into it."

"This conversation is over."

"Okay, she'll be a piece of work... oh, right. This just got either a lot more fun, or a bitch to deal with. With my luck, probably both."

Shinji and Co. finally arrived on-scene, to find... Asuka peacefully eating lunch.

"There you are, Shinji. Lose the losers and get over here."

Toji got a little mad over this.

"Suzuhara, why are you so mad over the truth?"

He steeled his gaze and started walking towards her.

"A better question would be: Do you like your limbs?"

She paused.

"Because if you continue in this current vein, it's not going to be pretty."

He actually reached out and grabbed her.

"You asked for it."

Shinji pre-emptively flinched.

When his eyes opened back up, he saw Toji having been thrown several feet.

"I am the law... punk."

Kensuke was filming his buddies humiliation and Asuka's inadvertent panty shot.

"Hey, punk kid with the camera... send me a copy, please. I want to make sure my good side is kept for posterity."

Kensuke was cool with this, but he had the sneaking suspicion that Asuka was out to get him.

"And yes, I know all about your little "photo op" thing. And you know what? As long as you don't do any of me, despite any requests you may receive, you will not die by my testimony."

"Gee thanks."

Asuka grinned.

"Now scram, you little punk!"

He did not need to be told twice. Off he went.
That's right. Somehow, the person whose sole purpose is to be a prissy unlikable redhead is now being reasonable and not murdering people at the slightest provocation.
Quote :

"Shinji, I am dragging you to a place."


And so he was dragged to a nice quiet area.

"Look, Shinji, I know you better than you know yourself. You need help."

"Said the crazy woman."

"Excuse me?"

"You're also fairly good at hopscotch."

"Are you deliberately trying to get on my nerves, or are you just stupid?"

"Wouldn't I be stupid to try to get on your nerves?"

Hikari arrived right then.

"There you two are. Asuka, I'm here to guide you around like you asked me to."

"Thank you, Hikari. Behave, Shinji."

"Yes, Asuka."

Toji found his balls exactly five seconds after Asuka was out of earshot.

"Man, she has you whipped."

"I don't want to talk about it."

Asuka spent the rest of lunch meeting up with the girls and remembering the old power structure. Being able to see directly into their heads at some point helped.

The class piled back in, and before anyone knew it, school was out by virtue of a time lapse.

Wait, no, that was a lie.

Apparently, there was this big announcement about some stupid dance that Asuka couldn't recall in the first go-round. Wait, the Seventh Angel had effectively halted the festivities earlier.

Shinji was already packed and ready to go, and talking at Public Enemy #1, I mean Wondergirl.

"Hey blockhead, step away from the doll!"

"Don't call Rei a -"

"Make me."
The person whose name I forgot is being a jerk again as though this were canon.
Quote :

Shinji raised his right arm and extended his index finger.

He dropped it half a second later.

Asuka looked inwardly.

"He's still afraid of me. Well, it is justified, because I am that amazing, but he should be more in awe of me than terrified. I'll have to work on that."

They got home without further incident.

[You want to know what's going through her head? She's too set in her "aggressor" ways but knows that's not the right way. So we get an Asuka who has zero respect for anyone and has come to terms with her feelings. Arael's in for a nasty shock, though, on the level of "getting to witness their own death from the perspective of someone whose head they're rooting around in at the time".]
So there you have it. If you're not high, you're not enjoying it.
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PostSubject: Re: Someone got what they asked for (no, really)   Someone got what they asked for (no, really) EmptyThu Jun 09, 2016 5:30 pm

Fuck you, cumbucket.
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PostSubject: Re: Someone got what they asked for (no, really)   Someone got what they asked for (no, really) Empty

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