I've spent all of my time here up until now as a lurker, but I've wanted to try my hand at sporking for a while. So I searched around for a good target and eventually stumbled on broomstick flyer.
From what the U.S.S. Sue Destroyer blog said, she and her husband were absolutely dedicated Harmonians. Furthermore, they read this stuff to their grandchildren. Yes, it is possible to be old enough to have grandchildren and still fail this hard at reading comprehension. For the record, I pity the grandchildren.
When I went to the FF.net profile, I saw a message that Broomstickflyer was dead. I do not mean to speak ill of the dead; however, I will point out the stupidity that this story is laced with.
And I've been taking too much time with the intro and other irrelevant bullshit as is. So, without further adieu...
Hello Mum Dad by broomstick flyer
Disclaimer, I don't own Harry Potter or any of his friends wish I did, then I would be able to write another book with a better end.
So we start off with a spectacular display of hubris from the writer. If these people wrote Harry Potter, then odds are it would not be anywhere near the massive success that it is.
Hello mum… dad!
Molly Weasley was busy in her kitchen as usual when there was a polite knock on the back door. Hiding behind the door Molly asked who it was, she was worried it might be Deatheaters for a short time and then she heard a female voice answering rather quietly. "I'm Rose… Rose Weasley… I was told I could find family here."
Well, if you’re really Rose Weasley, you’ve come to the right place.
Wait a sec… wouldn’t Ron and Hermione have brought her to the Burrow at some point? I find it hard to believe that any of the trio would not have visited the Burrow with the kids!
Molly opened the door a little her wand pointing at her visitor. Standing on the step was a young woman with rich dark red hair that flowed down past her shoulders. The young woman looked at Molly in the eye and then lifted her wand slowly pointing it into the air she spoke an oath. "I swear upon my magic that I am not a death eater and that I grew up as Rose Weasley."
What? No security question to make sure she’s not a Polyjuiced Death Eater? Are you seriously implying that Molly Weasley, who’s lost two brothers and a son to the Death Eaters, would slack off like that?
Molly watching as the oath took affect watched the young woman levitate the old bucket kept by the door step. Having been given the oath Molly opened the door and allowed the woman enter the kitchen. "Come in quickly dear, one never knows who is lurking about."
Rose stepped into the kitchen, a place she knew so very well. It was a room she hated with a vengeance. Acting calmly she took the seat offered by Molly and the faced the older woman as Molly looked her up and down. "I was told that the last of the Weasley family lived here and that I might be able to ask for protection from the head of house." She offered as she began to feel uncomfortable with the way Molly was looking at her.
Last of the Weasley family? The fuck? Also, are you calling Molly a pedophile? It seems like you are, and what you're about to do does not help your case.
Molly seemed to have come to a decision and nodded her head before putting her wand away. "Yes dear, I'm Molly, Molly Weasley. My husband Arthur will be so pleased to learn there is at least one more Weasley that has survived this awful war. Now would you like a cup of tea and then we can sit and chat."
Okay, I'm gonna spoil this a bit early; Rose time traveled back to DH. So all the Weasleys should still be alive at this point.
Rose nodded at Molly and said she would love a cup of tea, which Molly set about to make. It was the last time that Molly would approach her cooking range, the last time she would light a flame beneath a kettle. As Molly turned her back on the young woman and lit the cooking range Rose pulled her wand out and cast a powerful binding charm on the older woman. She then levitated Molly to a chair and forced her body to sit while still bound.
What the hell, Rose?
"You know Weasley, for fifteen years I knew you as my grandmother, your evil son as my dad… yes Ronald Bilius, the vile paedophilic wife beater. I was only just fifteen by two days when he first raped me, just as he and his vile sick brothers had been doing to my mother for years. The difference being I was not under a love potion supplied by you. No, I was beaten almost into unconsciousness by that beast. It took me three years to escape from your clutches and your disgusting marriage contract with that filth Malfoy. Here's something for you to think about as you die.
Hoo boy, here we REALLY get into the pure stupid that’s found here.
Number one, since when was Ron a “vile paedophilic wife beater”? What part of that aligns with canon? Number two, even if he was, why the hell would his brothers take part instead of, you know, hexing his balls off or something? For that matter, why would Ginny let them get away with that? Number three, is she seriously claiming that Hermione was under a love potion? I should point out that we SEE someone (namely, Ron) under a love potion in HBP – and Hermione acts NOTHING like that in the epilogue. Number four, why would the Malfoys ever set up a marriage contract with the blood traitor Weasleys?
I might have been brought up in the Weasley family while my poor mother suffered beatings, rape and degradations from you and your filthy pureblood offspring, I might have been placed in a marriage contract by you but it was that contract that set me free. Set me free and allowed me to find out what you had been doing to my poor mother and my real father.
And now she sounds just like Draco Malfoy pulling the “filthy Mudblood” card. Am I supposed to sympathize with her?
You see I discovered that my dad's name was Potter. I discovered that mum and dad were married in a muggle ceremony before you fed them your evil concoctions. I found a family time turner in the Potter vault after your sick son got my real dad killed by deserting him during a fight with some resisting death eaters. Thanks to being the oldest and only legal Potter, I inherited the head of house position. As such I was able to use the time turner and here I am to exact revenge for the Potter family." Rose said calmly as she looked around the kitchen where Ron had first raped her. It seemed a fitting place to rid the world of the hag across from her.
Um, NO! I’d like to point out that Harry VERY CLEARLY SAYS in DH (for the people too dense to get subtext, presumably) that Hermione is like a SISTER to him. Not a LOVE INTEREST. A SISTER. Which raises the unintentional implication that Hermione dosed Harry up with something to get him to marry her…and once again, I find myself unable to like the people that I’m apparently supposed to like.
Rose left the Weasley home forty minutes after arriving. She knew that within the hour Ronald Bilius Weasley would arrive after deserting her parents during their quest to kill Voldemort. This time he would not arrive back at the tent with a new supply of love potions to feed her mum and dad, and she knew that if he did return her parents would be ready for him.
Remember, this is set during Ron's absence in DH... which was partially caused by carrying a Horcrux, and is not indicative of how he usually is.
At the Burrow boundary Rose vanished with a tiny pop, arriving just a second later at Potter manor. Rose smiled as she settled down to enjoy her time in the library as she waited for the correct time to visit her true parents. To see them together as they should have been as she grew up.
Um, author? Your inner delusional shipper is showing. Actually, it's more of an outer delusional shipper.
Ron arrived at the Burrow knowing his mother would be there, the shock he got when he entered the kitchen to find the entire room destroyed, not a single item remained intact other than the walls and doors. He found his mother under the ruins of the welsh dresser and cupboards that once lined the walls. She bound tightly to a chair, her hands and feet had been cut off and across her chest the word 'traitor' had been deeply carved with something that had obviously not been very sharp. It almost had him fainting. After eventually getting himself together he managed to discover that she had bled to death from her painful wounds. It was minutes later that he began to panic, when he realised he could not apparate with her body, he would have to go and fetch one of his brothers or his father.
So the Skrull that's impersonating Rose Weasley (I refuse to acknowledge this canon-mangling bitch as Rose any longer) caused senseless destruction on top of committing murder?
He would then have to tell them why he and his mother were at the Burrow and not at Bill's home, then he remembered why he had staged his desertion of his two 'best friends', whether his mother was alive or dead he needed those love potions to continue their plan to get their hands on Potter and Granger to strengthen the Weasley bloodline. After burying his mother in the family plot Ron set about trying to make two cauldrons of Amortentia love potion. He spent weeks trying but he just wasn't good enough at potions to make a correct potion and he eventually had to give up.
Ron does not act like that. Neither does Molly.
It was eight and a half weeks later that Rose Apparated from Potter manor and appeared outside a small tent in the forest of dean. Without waiting or bothering to look around she pulled her wand and cast a patronus charm.
And Skrull!Rose recklessly risks causing a time crash.
Harry and Hermione were sitting down to eat their meagre meal, made of what was left of their supplies after Ron's marathon eating fest, when they were interrupted by the arrival of a bright shining silver doe. Together they followed the doe out of the tent and saw it standing at the edge of their wards. Standing with the doe was a young woman who for a moment they both thought to be Lily Potter. Walking slowly and carefully Harry and Hermione approached the young woman, in their minds they knew it could not be Lily but to Harry and Hermione there was an eerie resemblance to Harry's mother.
So this is set during Ron's absence in DH. And I already said that up above. In canon, the doe was SEVERUS SNAPE’S PATRONUS. Dammit, Skrull!Rose, stop trying to steal a moment that proves that Severus Snape has a heart after all and start acting like non-Skrull!Rose!
Hermione was the first to speak when they reached the young woman who stood outside their wards just a few feet away. "Who are you…?" Rose was smiling while tears fell freely down her cheek, she had never seen her mother as she truly was before, and what she was seeing was a woman who looked able to take on anyone, gone was the dejected sad look from her eyes. "I'm Rose Jane Potter, I don't have a lot of time and I have nothing to prove who I am except an oath, "I swear on my magic that I am a Potter by birth, blood, and family."
Well, Rainbow, she’s probably crazy. Or a Skrull. But your idea’s good, too.
Rose waited for a minute as she was engulfed in a bright light, it faded quickly and then she cast yet another patronus that took the form of a doe. Hermione nodded at Rose and then invited her inside the wards. Harry led the way to the tent while keeping a watch on the woman walking just in front of Hermione, a young woman who resembled his mother with the same deep red hair.
Dammit, stop with the doe Patronus! Stop walking over Severus Snape’s few redeeming qualities! Just…stop!
But does she listen!
As soon as the three of them were sat comfortably in the tent, Hermione asked Rose to explain why she was there. So Rose took a deep breath and looked seriously at her mother. "Well, first let me begin with telling you that I know what you are doing out here, in fact I know practically everything about the time you spent on this quest, oh yes, I really should say, hello mum… dad. Er… 'mum' did you discover yet that you are pregnant," she paused for quite some time taking in the shocked look on her mothers face. She began again, "I know that you are pregnant because the child growing inside you will grow to become me Rose Jane Potter."
Is Skrull!Rose trying to destroy the timeline?
Also, remember my previous rant about Harry not being in love with Hermione? Yeah, broomstick flyer DEFINITELY missed that. Unless Harry’s a Skrull, too.
You know what? All of these people are probably Skrulls. Or maybe they're changelings; after all, their queen sucks at researching the ponies she's impersonating. Nope; these people are meant to be human, so I'm going with Skrulls.
Rose finished telling her parents the story of her and her mothers life, and added at the end that her father had been on the same love potion as her mother and ended up with Ginny, and then pulled out a pocket watch with several hands on it, "Er… mum, dad I don't have a lot of time left, you should pack up and I'll take you to Potter manor… It will be safer for you there and if we have anytime left when we get there I'll answer any questions you still have once you've seen the manor and dad has claimed his inheritance."
Harry didn’t act like love potion!Ron, either. Did broomstick flyer even READ the books?
Hermione again was the first to recover from the shocks she had just received, she had been really shocked to be told she was pregnant when she had only been married for two days, but then she remembered how she had spent the last two days with Harry, and what they had been doing for most of that time, only taking a break for supper and to use the loo. Pulling her wand she began packing their belongings into the little beaded bag she took everywhere, proving she accepted the word of the young woman who was her as yet unborn daughter. Harry watched in silence for some time before he stood, if Hermione accepted what they had been told then he had no questions. "Weasley has carried out his last act of betrayal on me, on the Potter family. When I see him I'm going to kill him." he said before helping Hermione with the packing.
Um, no. She and Harry did not get married. Jo would not have left out a massive detail like that.
"You wont have to kill him dad," Rose said with a smile, "he's going to kill himself when he tries to enter Potter wards sometime around four o clock this afternoon. Right, dad, take that darn locket off and place it in mums bag. If we are quick enough we can grab Gryffindors sword before it slips through the ice on that pond."
Just as Rose had told them when they reached the small pond Gryffindors sword was sitting on the ice. "Something of a stupid place to put an artefact like this," Harry said as he lay carefully across the slowly melting ice and grabbed the sword.
"What can you expect dad, it's Snape, he would give anything to see you die, just as long as he can't be accused of your death." Rose said her hatred of her cousin Albus Severus, who just like his name sake was a person who used anyone he could to get what he wanted, showing in her voice.
What? Snape was trying to HELP Harry! Stop trampling Severus Snape’s good name already!
As she made a portkey to Potter manor all three of them could tell that her magic was beginning to fail. Neither Hermione nor Harry had any questions answered when they arrived at the manor. As the portkey landed them in the entrance hall Rose quickly began to fade away. As she faded there was a sudden flash of light and the two newly weds watched as their daughter from the future seemed to form into a small ball of golden light. The light then sped forward and entered Hermione's abdomen. Giving Hermione a strange sense of purpose and one of fulfilment, and all the proof she needed to know she was pregnant and had been able to talk to her grown up child.
NO! Rose was just starting at Hogwarts in the epilogue. Had she been conceived during DH, she would have been too old for Hogwarts! That's not rocket science!
Harry watched as the globe of light shrank until it was about an inch in diameter, he didn't even feel in the least bit surprised when the light sped forward and seemed to enter Hermione, instead he felt the happy knowledge he was going to be a dad fill him. About fifteen minutes later, around four thirty the alarm wards around the manor buzzed crazily for around three minutes then fell silent once again. Both Harry and Hermione knew that Ron Weasley and his deluminator just got himself a one way ticket straight into a very cold and stormy Irish Sea, courtesy of the Potter repelling wards.
The Deluminator that Ron used to try to go back to his friends after he had his head back on straight.
That’s what broomstick flyer used to kill him.
Fuck these people.
Thanks to copious notes left on the living room table by Rose, Harry and Hermione had no problems quickly concluding their hunt and destroying Voldemort's soul containers and then returning to Hogwarts castle to finish the task they were given. Many deadly traps were set up for the death eaters all around the school. Voldemort and the dark creatures he brought with him quickly fell into the many traps. The last Battle was a death trap for the forces of Voldemort, and the final fight came down to four death eaters who had escaped falling into a trap and Voldemort, against a huge magical crowd eager for vengeance.
And we get a dose of Peggy Sue on top of the Weasley bashing. Great.
As was expected by Hermione Harry allowed Voldemort to kill him with the death curse and as he lay dead for several seconds Voldemort gloated that he had won. His gloating did not last long as Harry came around and stood up. While he was still gloating, curses of all kinds hit Voldemort and his remaining death eaters as well as his familiar Nagini, coming from every direction at the same time. Harry's cutting curse to the neck killed Voldemort instantly, removing his head mere seconds before the many other spells and curses hit the dark lord. The battle was over and there were very few casualties in Potters army of volunteers.
Remember the forest scene? The one where Harry walks to his death, accompanied by the spirits of his parents, Sirius, and Lupin? Is this supposed to be better? I think not.
Hermione knew that Rose Jane Potter was going to grow up in a far better world than the one she had told her parents about. A world where Ron and Molly Weasley did not exist, a world where far more people were alive thanks to Rose's information on the hidden items her mum and dad sought and how to acquire them without to great a risk.
What part of “a world where Ron and Molly Weasley did not exist” is supposed to be a good thing? (Note that I mean canon!Ron and Molly, not the clones/Skrulls/pod people/whatever seen here).
Also, not how Potterverse time travel works! Didn’t she read PoA?
You tell her, Malfoy.
Harry and Hermione never bothered to try to contact any of the Weasley family after the war was over. Both of them remembered their daughter saying things that let them know, once they had time to think things over, that all the Weasley men had used the Hermione of that other time line. They resisted temptation to kill off the Weasleys by staying away from them, it was easier than trying to explain killing them for things they did in another time line.
Again, such things are ridiculously out-of-character for the Weasley men. Even Percy, arguably the worst of the lot, is a career-obsessed idiot (and he even got better at the end), not a complete monster. Furthermore, it's ridiculously out-of-character for Ginny to let them do that.
Rose Jane Potter grew up in Potter manor with her sister and two brothers. Never once did her father think of naming his sons after Dumbledore or Snape. The two men who had caused him so much pain throughout a very long and troubled period of his early life. None of the younger Potter's got to know any of the Dursley family, though as she grew up Rose often suspected that her mother had paid her unknown relatives several visits. It was a very happy Potter family that lived through the changes that were needed to bring the British magical world in to the twenty first century.
Harry naming his son after Dumbledore and Snape shows that he matured and was able to see those two men for who they truly were. Albus had to act behind the scenes a lot, and Severus was kind of an asshole, but they weren’t completely evil bastards like some of these people seem to believe.
Had Rose known of her previous life she would have been overjoyed at the outcome of her visit to the past and her talk with her mum and dad. As it was she grew up never knowing. Her mum and dad seeing no reason to tell her something that she no longer needed to know, they them selves would never forget the day that a young woman with dark red hair, who was older than they were, had visited them and said "Hello mum... Dad."
She didn't say that. She said,
"I'm Rose Jane Potter, I don't have a lot of time and I have nothing to prove who I am except an oath, "I swear on my magic that I am a Potter by birth, blood, and family."
The best thing I can say for this story is that it ended.
Seriously, that was the best feature of the story. That it ended. That's a poor sign, but the out-of-characteritis, egregious violations of canon magical rules, and general stupidity cancel everything else out.
Yes, I know that I'm not really saying anything new. But all sporkers have to start somewhere.
Sheba Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Join date : 2009-06-10 Age : 33
Subject: Re: Hello Mum Dad Tue Jan 12, 2016 1:51 pm
Hell yes, a new spork! I don't have time to read through it right now but I promise to give it thorough attention when I get home.
Join date : 2012-05-21 Age : 45 Location : I live in the US. Nanako lives in Kasukabe.
Subject: Re: Hello Mum Dad Thu Jan 28, 2016 9:22 am
They read this stuff to their grandchildren?! "I'm sorry kids, you can't see Grams and Gramps anymore. They're nuts." "Believe me mom, we are okay with not seeing them."
Join date : 2012-05-21 Age : 45 Location : I live in the US. Nanako lives in Kasukabe.
Subject: Re: Hello Mum Dad Thu Jan 28, 2016 9:31 am
Sorry for double post. I just saw this moronic praise.
This was a fun little AU one shot. I enjoy the Potter kids going back and fixing JKR's mess, though I do also enjoy stories in canon. Great job
JKR's mess? I thought it was her book? I could be wrong, but the only MESS that can be made is by some idiot fanbrat.