So Hot Cancer decided to go visit his local haunted house, Loftus Hall, at Halloween. I was there before on the family historical tour (had a 16 year old with me), but this was going to be the proper shit - the adults only Halloween Tour. It ended up being a bit stagey for my liking, but I suppose if you're offering haunted house tours, you need a bit more than just hoping the creepy, isolated atmos of the place will fuck with people - especially when you have about 20 per tour most of whom were pathologically unable to shut the fuck up. And I have to concede being impressed that they snuck the actress playing the resident ghost into the Tapestry Room despite someone literally sitting on the door to stop anyone coming in and four large gentlemen (me being one of them) checking the room for pretty blonde girls hidden in closets or behind window shutters and finding nothing.
Also the Hall's owner may have teleported at one point during the tour and could therefore be some sort of Slender being.
But at the start of the tour, they showed us a few clips from an episode of "Ghost Adventures" allegedly made at the Hall during the year. I'm not familiar with American TV anymore and the tour guide was taking the piss out of it, so I thought it was a parody they'd thrown together themselves because it looked like such stupid, see through bullshit. But no. It's an actual TV show that, on the surface at least, takes itself seriously and has run for 10 seasons. Their 'Ireland Special' aired on Halloween and is on YouTube, with about the last 40 odd minutes dedicated to Loftus Hall. I didn't bother watching the sections about Morrigan's Cave, Leap Castle and the Hellfire Club, so I'll skip straight to the part about the place I've actually been to.
First Aidan Quigley, the Hall's owner, who they feel the need to subtitle despite him not exactly having a thick accent, feeds the series producer & lead ghost hunter (I'm just going to go ahead and call him Shitcasket) a line of bullshit about there being so much spiritual activity once you go upstairs that they don't let tours go there. Um no, they don't let tours go upstairs because the Hall is in fucking shit from lying abandoned for a decade with all the windows and the massive skylight above the staircase broken and they haven't gotten around to making anything but the ground floor safe for groups of 20 people to walk around in. Do you know how I know this? Becuase a Loftus Hall tour guide told me the first time I was there... and he told the other 20 people who were there that day... and probably everyone else who was on the tour that month.
Also I noticed on the Halloween tour they seem to have put fresh render on the walls upstairs around the staircase, so maybe it'll cease being too haunted for tours to go up there in the future?
Similar story with the decapitated statues. Shitcasket's intrepid crew of ghost hunters decide that this was the work of tortured spirits. Except according to the Hall's own tour guides, it was all the local self appointed Satanists and Witches breaking in and smashing them during the Black Masses they had there whilst the place was abandoned. I think that adds to the atmos and has the bonus of probably being true, so why not stick with it?
We're then shown infrared camera footage of someone being 'possessed' in the Tapestry Room and attacking another person on a tour during a power cut. You don't sign ANY disclaimers when you go into this place, so it's pretty obvious that this didn't happen on the basis that there wasn't a big lawsuit over it. I have to wonder did the Loftus Hall staff fake it in advance of Shitcasket's crew coming, who then lapped it up, or did Shitcasket get them to fake it.
After the bullshit filled preamble, we finally get onto Shitcastket and his crew staying overnight in the house. The bullshit continues with some footage of a "ball of light" coming from the Tapestry Room's walls. Terrifyingly real and not even slightly fake. Then they get a bullshit device, that's supposed to scan loads of sound frequencies for ghostly voices, and turn it on in the Tapestry Room. All it seems to do is produce a fucktonne of white noise, listen to that for long enough and you'd convince yourself that you've heard anything. A voice "detected" using the bullshit device and another ball of light beckon Shitcasket upstairs.
The upstairs portion is fairly slow-paced and consists mostly of Shitcasket creeping around, hearing "unexplained loud noises" and calling spirits. He's led to a bedroom door, which CREAKS HALF SHUT, causing Shitcasket to shit his casket. Even if this isn't staged, I'm fairly sure it's not impossible for doors to move inside buildings that are 100s of years old and have literally every window broken and boarded up. But no, this is clearly PROOF OF A SPIRIT!!! Along with his subsequent caputre of a 'misty figure' going through another door, although it looks for all the world like an effect of his shitty handheld infrared camera being moved slightly and distorting what it's looking at.
Incidentally he thinks the spirit said it doesn't want him to try to help it and then tried to close a door in his face. So if we accept that all this is real, he's right, it is a tortured soul, why not just leave it be you twat?
Finally we have the bullshit singularity to which all the bullshit in the world is drawn. They get some sort of light that shines infrared lasers and using bullshit science, maps what it 'detects' into a computer so they see a stickman with a load of dots as joints that's supposed to be a spirit dancing one of the crew's head. This causes him to have an 'energy withdrawal', which eventually makes him sick, whilst the rest of Shitcasket's mates give the 'spirit' instructions to move, including "spread your legs", which is such an inexplicably peculiar thing to say under the circumstances that I'm struggling to comment. Of course it follows these instructions like a dancing monkey, which is naturally proof that it's a ghost. Now I'm not saying they add the stickman to the footage after recording in Sony Vegas or something... oh wait that's exactly what I'm saying.
Tl;dr a collection of twats go to a place that's legendary in the locality for being haunted and pretend they can see ghosts using bullshit pieces of technology and faked video clips. I know it's probably meant to be "just entertainment", but it wouldn't take all that much effort to make it less blatantly fake. If I was told to make a parody of a ghost hunting show, I don't think what I'd come up with would be a million miles away from this.