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 It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS)

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Miraba
chelonianmobile
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chelonianmobile




Join date : 2009-07-13

It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) Empty
PostSubject: It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS)   It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) EmptyThu Jul 16, 2009 10:04 am

I present to you the supremely horrifying "Of Warlords and Pleasures: Cluny the Scourge".

So, we open with the eponymous warlord sitting around in his tent being evil, as usual ...

Redtooth, one of his horde captains, just had the bad luck to come and make his report while Cluny was in a bad mood. Redtooth swaggered up, and saluted. "G'mornin', chief." Cluny looked at his captain, and then, with one swift SWAP,

... he exchanged Redtooth for a Mary Sue, thus making this story much more fun.

his long tail had whirled around Redtooth's body and dragged him into the tent.

Cluny proceeds to whip Redtooth's back "to the bone" - direct quote from the fic - which I'm pretty sure should leave the poor rat bleeding to death. Besides, Cluny may be evil and sadistic but he's smart enough not to randomly mutilate a useful lackey who hasn't really done anything much to deserve it. One strike for walking in on him at an annoying moment, possible, but whipping him half to death, unlikely. Do that too often and you start to run out of them, lackeys are hard to come by these days.

Cluny watched him pant and whimper, and felt himself grow firm and hard for some reason.

"Well y'see, when two rats hate each other very much ..." This may just be me, but does the "for some reason" part blow - oops, bad choice of words kill - oops, equally bad choice of words spoil the drama there somewhat?

Redtooth watched, one of his eyes swollen shut, as the big rat pulled his war armour off, along with his tunic, revealing planes of flat muscle and bulging biceps. No rat, weasel, stoat, ferret, or fox

... or cat, or mouse, or squirrel, or hedgehog, or elephant ...

alive had ever seen Cluny naked, not even the sexy she-rats he'd had down in the taverns by the docks.

I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say then what the hell did we do to deserve being the first?!

"Sexy she-rats" ... *giggles*

"Now, just so you don't make a lot of noise when I take my pleasure on you.......here!" The big rat shoved the sticky piece of cloth in Redtooth's mouth, and then grabbed some rope and tied one end to one of Redtooth's wrists, pulled it across the tent and tied the other end to a metal ring sticking up out of the ground, then tied the other rope to Redtooth's other wrist, and tied it in the other corner of his tent.

Allow me to point out that seconds later he removes the gag, so I'm not entirely sure why he bothered in the first place. I'd also like to know where the random metal rings came from. Yes, he removes the gag for the reason you're thinking, and that leads onto the next two logical fallacies:

1) I have been bitten by pet rats before. Their mouths are effectively organic gin-traps. Cluny the infamous evil genius should be smart enough not to put parts of his body in there. If Redtooth has a jaw spasm at an unfortunate time, he'll be living up to his name.

2) Note the dialogue:

"If I feel one tooth, just one tooth, I'll take my sword and cut your ballsac and cock into pieces, and then I'll still fuck you until you bleed to death ..."

I repeat, I'll "still" kill you. Is it just me or does that really not sound like all that much of an incentive?

Anyway, it follows fairly predictably from there for a bit. Cluny should have been finished about four times by now, and Redtooth should have been dead about forty times. The author lovingly details the severe damage. I find the description of Redtooth as "virgin" amusing - okay, odds are this hasn't happened to him before so it's true in a specific sense, but I still find it unlikely in the wider sense considering Redtooth's character in the book (though the book's for eight-year-olds so I have no backup for this idea) and the behaviour of just about every other character in this work, and amusing "for some reason", hehe.

And then we get to the truly horrific part.

The Warlord waited until his new slave had cleaned him up, and then, as his evil mind thought of a new trick, grabbed a long spear that was leaning against a wall of the big tent.

Since he never canonically used a spear, why is that there? And what's he ... OH HOLY SHIT THAT SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FIT IN THERE.

Cluny patted the screaming rat's rump roughly. "There, there, I'll take it out once it sinks up to its blade. You can handle that, can't you, Redtooth?"

Um ... since a normal spear would probably be longer than he is tall, I have my doubts. Oh, this is not going to end well.

Pushing the spear farther down into the shrieking rat, Cluny reached for an arrow and snapped its point off.

Once again, he never canonically used arrows himself, so I have no idea why he suddenly has other peoples' weaponry just lying around in his tent. And as for where he proceeds to jam the arrow ... I think, to quote someone I once metaquoted on a similar topic in badfic, this is a case of "I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PENIS AND YET OW MY PENIS". I'm damn certain that wouldn't fit in there either.

From his position on the battlements, Matthias saw the flickering shadows inside Cluny's tent, and shook his head. "The rat's torturing somebeast in there, Cornflower." The little churchmouse shuddered, but she felt a warm, wet tingling between her legs as she imagined what Cluny was doing to his vermin in there with his huge cock..........and what Matthias's could do to her.

*jaw drops* I really cannot think of anything to say to this. I will, however, point out that Matthias and Cornflower were, according to Brian Jacques himself, meant to be thirteen years old. Thirteen-year-olds do not, in my recollection, react in this way to this situation. Come to think of it, I sincerely hope I don't know anyone who would react in this way.

Matthias saw the look of pained pleasure on her face, and grew worried. Jumping down from the battlements, he took Conrflower in his arms. "What's the matter, Cornflower? Are you sick?"

Since she's just admitted to being turned on by the sounds of a guy being raped to death, the evidence suggests "yes"!

They proceed to enact an utterly sickly fluffy sex scene right there and then, in tune to the screaming.

Apart from all the other wrongness with this, allow me to point out that THEY'RE STILL ON THE FREAKIN' WALLTOP!!!!!

Where is everyone else? Why have all the other defenders who should be on the walltops suddenly vanished into thin air? Why is nobody simply looking out of the windows of the main building? Why has it not occurred to the author that this is a really dumb location? Just ... no words.

So they fall asleep and it abruptly cuts back to Redtooth with the spear still up his orifices. HOLY ABRUPT TONAL SHIFT BATMAN.

Redtooth screamed and shrieked as Cluny shoved the last few inches of both arrow and spear into his ass and cockholes.

Last ... few ... inches ... so he actually did get ... owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

The rat captain gave a shuddering moan and collapsed, barely alive.

"Barely"? "Barely"? How is he alive at all?! He's effectively had his entire digestive system destroyed! Or he would have if this author had any grasp whatsoever of anatomy.

And it all starts all over again and Cluny should have finished four more times and Redtooth should have died about a hundred times. And it's noted that Redtooth is still somehow alive, though at least not conscious any more, when some random rats come in to drag him out. And everyone gawps at the screen for a few minutes, wondering exactly why someone would write this. When the fic reaches a stage where I can't tell whether necrophilia would make it worse or better, there's a problem. Worse because it's the only thing which would make it noticeably more disgusting, better because then Redtooth would be out of his misery and it would be somewhat physiologically likely.

Well, after the many creepy things that have been posted here, this kind of pales in comparison. But it freaked me out. What really scared me is that in another of their fics the author claimed to be "a veterinarian in training" ...
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Miraba
Sporkbender
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Miraba


Join date : 2009-06-10
Location : Washington DC

It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) Empty
PostSubject: Re: It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS)   It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) EmptyThu Jul 16, 2009 5:59 pm

chelonianmobile wrote:

Cluny watched him pant and whimper, and felt himself grow firm and hard for some reason.

"Well y'see, when two rats hate each other very much ..." This may just be me, but does the "for some reason" part blow - oops, bad choice of words kill - oops, equally bad choice of words spoil the drama there somewhat?
I roll my eyes every time I see that phrase in any piece of literature. "For some reason, she wore mismatched sock." "For some reason, she forgot her cell phone." "For some reason, she forgot to carry her gun." It's always a sign of bad writing.
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Delcat
Good old-fashioned nightmare fuel
Good old-fashioned nightmare fuel
Delcat


Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 36
Location : Underestimating the power of soup

It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) Empty
PostSubject: Re: It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS)   It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) EmptyFri Jul 17, 2009 3:31 am

Oh, Redwall. I enjoyed these books so much...at least, until I realized there was only one book over and over and over again, but still. In their limited capacity, they were fun and funny and nicely gory at parts. They may have been repetitive, but they sure as hell don't deserve this.
Quote :
Redtooth watched, one of his eyes swollen shut, as the
big rat pulled his war armour off, along with his tunic, revealing
planes of flat muscle and bulging biceps.
The anatomy seems...squishy, here. Not as squishy as it gets later on, but I'm more used to that kind of squishy than I am to rats being sculpted like David Hasselhoff. VB, is that how rats work? I don't think that's how rats work.
Quote :
He ran a dirty claw between Redtooth's buttcheeks, laughing as the rat groaned in embarrassment.
Sounds more like a hick scratching his sweaty asscrack than anything even vaguely approaching arousing. Unless you're aroused by hicks scratching their sweaty asscracks, in which case what is wrong with you
Quote :
Redtooth licked his tongue around the smooth surface of the giant red shaft, tasting the first few drops of Cluny's pre.
Just...pre? That sounds less like a sexual term and more like something a WASP would name their daughter because they thought it sounded cute and original. Also, why is it leaking out of the shaft?
Quote :
Licking down the big rat's balls, Redtooth came back up
and sucked hard on the leader's cockhead, feeling the large depression
that was Cluny's cockhole.
QUICKLY! BITE THE OPENING!
Quote :
Cluny pulled out, and then thrust back in very hard,
sinking four inches of his huge, long, stallion-like cock into the
abused rat.
The Huge, Long, Stallion-Like Cock is the less critically acclaimed sequel to The Very Bad, Terrible, No Good Day.
Quote :
Suddenly, a roar broke from his lungs and a gallon of
thick, clear, creamy, sticky cum shot out of his cockhole like a bullet
from a gun.
A gallon of semen all shooting out like a bullet from a gun at once from a hole that's maybe half a centimeter across...yeah, I'd roar too. And then bleed to death from my cock.
Quote :
He licked down the length of Cluny's huge, red,
dribbling pole, and then took the Warlord's large ballsac in his mouth
and sucked that, too, then came up to take his leader's shaft back into
his mouth
Uh. Dude. Did he just dislodge his jaw or what?
Quote :
The two kissed long and hard, and then Matthias, feeling
his manly instincts take hold, caressed Cornflower's back and
shoulders, then slid his hands forward to hold the sides of her breasts
while she slipped her loose habit off and dropped it to the floorstones.
"Oh no, my habit!"
"Never mind that, baby. I'm making a habit of you."
*bomp-chicka-bomp-wow*
Quote :
Matthias rode his virgin lover, thrusting like a snake into her places of pleasure.
There is nothing I can say to that line that will make it any funnier than it already is.


Last edited by Delcat on Fri Jul 17, 2009 3:33 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : wtf coding)
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chelonianmobile




Join date : 2009-07-13

It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) Empty
PostSubject: Re: It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS)   It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) EmptyFri Jul 17, 2009 5:29 am

A lot of children's book series are like that, I don't hold it against 'em. Whether they're good or bad, I don't think they deserve THIS.

To be fair, we don't know the level of anthropomorphism in the books as Mr Jacques doesn't go into that much detail, so they could be anywhere on the scale of "normal animals with human vocal cords and thought processes" to "humans with a little extra body hair and funny teeth". So, she's perfectly within her rights to write 'em the latter way. It's just everything ELSE that's horribly wrong.

It gets worse. Go on her Yiffstar account and check out her poetry. Mere words cannot describe her poetry.
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grmblfjx
Hot and Botherer
Hot and Botherer
grmblfjx


Join date : 2009-06-10

It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) Empty
PostSubject: Re: It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS)   It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) EmptyFri Jul 17, 2009 6:13 am

Delcat wrote:
A gallon of semen all shooting out like a bullet from a gun at once from a hole that's maybe half a centimeter across...yeah, I'd roar too.
Never mind the fact that losing a gallon of water would make a human die from dehydration and should be downright impossible for something rat-sized.

That link to rat balls confuses me.

Quote :
They may look big but, in rat terms they are small, insignificant parts of the anatomy. Imagine men having testicles down to their knees!!! Weird thought, eh?
So, are they small and insignificant, or are they the equivalent of hanging down to your knees? I'm lost.


chelonianmobile wrote:
Go on her Yiffstar account and check out her poetry. Mere words cannot describe her poetry.

Quote :
Yiffstar account

Quote :
Yiffstar account

I don't think I actually need to go there. I already know more than I like.
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chelonianmobile




Join date : 2009-07-13

It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) Empty
PostSubject: Re: It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS)   It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) EmptyFri Jul 17, 2009 8:18 am

I've seen male rats, and if a human had, er, addenda that big, they probably wouldn't be able to stand up. Apparently it's not unknown for pet-shop customers to ask why they put rats with tumours in the window, when the rats are in fact perfectly healthy adult males.

What I really want to know is why he's doing this to a follower who didn't do anything to deserve death. Sure, torturing an out-of-line minion, perfectly normal for an evil warlord, but if you do it just on a whim too often you start to run out of them. Oh, and I'm still kinda hung up on the bit where he tells him he'll, quote, "still" kill him if he bites. Since poor Red's bleeding to death already, doesn't that, at this point, translate to "please bite me now because I am stupid"?
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grmblfjx
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grmblfjx


Join date : 2009-06-10

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PostSubject: Re: It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS)   It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) EmptyFri Jul 17, 2009 9:57 am

I'm speculating here, but my best guess it that it's unfortunate phrasing and the "still" was supposed to refer to the fucking. You know, as in "I'll still fuck you before you die."
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myeerah
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Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 46

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PostSubject: Re: It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS)   It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) EmptyFri Jul 17, 2009 10:25 am

Delcat wrote:
The Very Bad, Terrible, No Good Day.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?
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Nar




Join date : 2009-07-17

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PostSubject: Re: It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS)   It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) EmptyFri Jul 17, 2009 12:14 pm

Quote :
Cluny watched him pant and whimper, and felt himself grow firm and hard for some reason.
That's not his penis doing that. It's the entirety of his body. Because he has cancer.

[/denial]
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Delcat
Good old-fashioned nightmare fuel
Good old-fashioned nightmare fuel
Delcat


Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 36
Location : Underestimating the power of soup

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PostSubject: Re: It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS)   It has to be shared again: Cluny the Scourge in the dreaded Spear Incident. (NWS) EmptyFri Jul 17, 2009 6:22 pm

myeerah wrote:
Delcat wrote:
The Very Bad, Terrible, No Good Day.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?
That. I'm in top laziness form today =D
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