Meth is legal and I accidentally spaghetti.

Why am I the only one here who loves Breaking Bad? I have to admit, maybe it's been a local thing. It was filmed in my city of residence, and I enjoy visiting the places featured there. Once, I met the film crew. That was kind of neat. But I haven't been reading fanfiction for a very long time, nor have I been searching for art to make fun of. Life's been its own bad fanfiction, an idiosyncratic moebius loop.  But that's its own story, maybe possibly for some other time, in some other way.

But I do love me some good primetime TV.

This may or may not be an obvious troll to you; I think it is, you might not. You be the judge. I personally find it difficult when the medium being made fun of isn't something made for the under-13 set. Or like, comic books.  Or Harry Potter.  I don't fucking know, maybe it's because I'm old and no longer have my finger on the pulse of common interests? Like I ever have? Or rather, am I like that guy from Huey Lewis and the News, appearing as an authority figure in "Back to the Future?" You may be the judge of that, too.

But anyway, it's not my intent to bore you, and there may be spoilers! Enjoy?

So, while browsing the Breaking Bad tag, I run into this obvious summary:

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Walter comes out of retirement to halp hi old friend Gus and maybe even save his own marriage and son from retard cancer. IF ONLY HE COULD REMEMBER HOW!

With my senses tingling, signalling to me that this is the elderly antelope, this is the weakling to pick off from the rest of the herd, I proceed.

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THIS TAKES PLACE 15 YEARS AFTER THE LAST EPISODE IN THE ABC ORIGINAL SERIES BREAKING BAD. JUST SO GOVERNMENT KNOWS THIS IS NOT SANCTIONED BY THE CREATORS OF BREAKING BAD, BUT I FEEL, AS I AM AN AVID FAN AND HAVE SEEN EVERY EPISODE THAT THEY WOULD APPROVE THIS AND MAYBE EVEN USE THIS IN ANY FUTURE SEASONS OR MAYBE EVEN A MOVIE. IF THE CREATORS OF BREAKING BAD READ THIS I ALSO HAVE THIS STORY IN SCRIPT FORM. THANKS YOU AND ENJOY!1

Oh, lol.

1) Mighty grandiose, eh? You think, maybe in your pretend mockery of this show, that Vince Gilligan would totally pick up on your idea and make a sequel? I'm sure right now they're definitely hurting, what with only six more episodes to go and it's proving to be quite the moneymaker, but for a big time producer to peruse the depths of the Pit of Voles and emerge with a script covered in semen and baby shit…. this doesn't sound like a bad idea at all!

2) It sounds like it's mocking the show. I don't think Mr. Vince Gilligan would like to take the advice of someone making fun of their show. It's like an 18 year old. You go to their house and otherwise they're a nice person and they share their weed, hookah, blow, and geriatric sex toys, but then they call you a "fat retarded fuck" just out of nowhere for no fucking reason.

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Walter White sat in the dingy Mexican themed bar, moving his eyes back and forth across the Mexican décor that adorned the walls. He scanned the room for his friend and old business partner Gus, who had called Walter out for a drink, but Gus hadn't arrived yet. Walter hadn't talked to Gus since 11 years ago when Walt stopped making meth in order to deal with his cancer and retarded son. Walt had gone clean, he had jumped on the straight and narrow, no more drug dealing for him. Gus walked in and sat next to Walt.

Okay, so the series ends differently here apparently. The season/series finale ends, hunky-dory! Good show old sport!
I mean, okay, but it's kind of anticlimactic. The guy had stage 3 (?) lung cancer and I don't think people get rid of that…. let alone twice. And while it's kind of great that the author is focusing on some character development for Walt Jr., it ain't that nice to focus on using demeaning words for him. You know, like retard cancer. Maybe use the breakfast angle?

Also, author, Gus died at the end of season 4…. why aren't you explaining why he is alive? You wrote this like, yesterday. Did you not watch the season finale? I'm aware I sound like a "This isn't canon!!!" curmudgeon, but cover your bases, brah!

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"Fine," said Walt as he lit a meth cigarette, "but why?"

Meth cigarette? Fuck, get me one of those. I've been only smoking joints and Bali Hais, and could use this during double and triple shifts.

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"Well, I have a plan. I'm gonna get a bunch of really good meth and give samples to politicians so they can see how good it is and make it legal," Gus lit a meth cigarette, "and you make the best damn meth I've ever tried."

Marilize legaljuana in a nutshell?

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"I know, cause I was a chemistry teacher, so I can make really strong meth."
"I know."
They continued to take drags off their meth cigarettes.
"So how's the family?" asked Gus through puffs of meth smoke.
"Well, Walt Jr. is dying of retard cancer."

"My son is dying of retard cancer"
No words.

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The next morning Walter tried to cook up some meth, but he could only come up with large bowls of spaghetti. "This will never do!" exclaimed Walter in his mind, "Gus wants meth! Not dumb spaghetti." But Walt just couldn't remember how to make meth. It had been so long since he last tried.

Methatini Alfredo! Rigamethatoni! Spagmethi! Eggmeth Parmigiana??

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The next morning Walter tried making meth again, this time he remembered and was able to make the best meth ever. Gus came in to see how well Walt was doing with the meth. "How's the meth this time, and please don't tell me noodle!" They both shared a good laugh. "Nope, I made some good meth this time!" said Walter, he rolled up a meth cigarette with his new batch and gave it to Gus. Gus tried it and said, "Wow! This is really good for someone with cancer!"

Am I not the only one who thinks the author thinks meth and pot are the same, OR thinks it would be funny to act like meth and pot are the same? Is this a bid to make fun of the legalization of marijuana, or is this something someone wrote while high? If it's the latter, how the hell could you have managed to write this much? Give me some!

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They put the meth in their pockets and went to give it to some politicians. They were driving down the road when they got the munchies so they stopped at a gas station. They were f*cking high. They grabbed a handful of chips and cookies, but then a cop walked in. Walter looked at the cop and then at Gus, "I'm fucking losing my cool!" he yelled. The cop looked over. "Shhhhhhhh! Just act natural, we're fine, we're fine, we're fine," Gus whispered to Walter. The two were eye locked with the police officer. "How are you doing, officer?" asked Gus. "Shhhhhhhh he's gonna hear you!" yelled Walter with a finger over his lips, "fuck, now you got his attention!" Walter waved to the cop. "Hi officer! This feels like a place where meth wouldn't be, am I right?" Walter said in a panic. Gus was panicked. Beads of sweat fell down Walter's face as the officer remained silent. "WELL, AREN'T I FUCKING RIGHT?" The police officer remained silent. "Gus, we gotta get outa here!" exclaimed Walter as he ditched the package and ran out of the gas station. Gus wasn't far behind.

THIS IS A PLACE WHERE METH WOULDN'T BE AM I RIGHT????

RIGHT????

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"WOW! That was close," said Gus as he pulled out a meth cigarette.

Gus and Walt go to White Castle/Los Pollos!
or conversely, "Me and my classmates got stoned and I don't know what meth is but I guess you can use those glass roses from the convenience store to smoke it so I guess it's like weed?"

Man, if only! Meth is one unfortunate motherfucker, brah.

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The next day Walt made some more meth but it was accidently heroin.

I accidentally  heroin.

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"Something weighing on your mind buddy?" asked Gus. Walter started to cry, "my son just died," he said through tears, "from complications of retard cancer."

… It's awful!
But I still lol'd.

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They shared a good laugh as Gus humorously tried to smoke four meth cigarettes. Gus regained seriousness and said, "it's too bad that we'll never get meth legalized. You know, with you being unable to make meth." There was a period of silence. It was broken by laughter when Gus went to light a fifth meth cigarette. "God! Stop it Gus!" Walter said through laughs, "you're making my lung cancer act up!" Gus threw the meth cigarettes on the floor. "THAT'S IT! WE CAN MAKE A COMEDY ROUTINE ABOUT METH SO POLITICIANS CAN SEE THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF METH AND MAKE IT LEGAL!"

bahahahahahahahahaha

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"But let's try to refrain from using the lord's name in vain on stage, it might offend some people," Walter said in a stern voice. Gus nodded in approval.

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Walter went to visit Gus in jail. "This is exactly the type of shit we gotta fight against! Look at me! An innocent comedian in jail for making jokes!" Walter agreed, "Yeah, you just held a mirror up to society and showed us how ugly we really are, fuck society! They can't handle the truth! And the truth is that meth deserves to be legal!" A cop overheard their passionate conversation and was touched. He began to cry. Another cop came over to comfort the crying cop. "What's wrong?" asked the not crying cop.

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A cop overheard their passionate conversation and was touched. He began to cry. Another cop came over to comfort the crying cop. "What's wrong?" asked the not crying cop.

I'm laughing, no comment

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Gus threw a wild spaghetti party in his restaurant the next day and invited the two cops. "Wow, this is a good party!" said one of the cops, but the other cop wandered into the lab and saw the heroin that Walter accidently made. "Gus!" yelled the cop. Gus came in and said, "Yeah?" The cop pulled out his gun and aimed it at Gus, "you wanna tell me why you got heroin here?" Gus laughed and said, "Oh Walter made that by accident." The cop said, "Actually, I'm Hank Schrader, Walt's brother in law who, in a twist, works for the DEA so actually I know that Walter didn't do this, So actually Walter didn't make this heroin cause he's my brother in law. Gus you're under arrest!" Special agent Schrader shot Gus twenty three times dead and then read him his Miranda Rights.

Ohhhhhh shit

mygod the author is so behind but oh my god, lol

I admit

it was awful and funny and I just wish the author would explain why gus is still alive because for fucks sake it bothers the crap out of me[/quote]

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Was this written by the guy who wrote those bizarre Garfield fics? The writing style seems familiar.

Disco Stu wrote:

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The next day Walt made some more meth but it was accidently heroin.

I accidentally  heroin.

I wish I could do that, p sure heroin is significantly more valuable.

The real tragedy is that math is still legal.

Okay, "What's wrong asked the not crying cop" is the new funniest in-joke that we can do irl that no one will understand

holy shit I can't stop laughing at that

I know almost nothing about this show, and even I can tell how wrong this is. Clearly this author doesn't even know what meth is. (I don't either, but at least I don't pretend that I do.)

EileenK98 wrote:

I know almost nothing about this show, and even I can tell how wrong this is. Clearly this author doesn't even know what meth is. (I don't either, but at least I don't pretend that I do.)

It's so wrong, yet so right

It tries to be a black comedy which is even better

just that it's so obvs. trying

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gun and aimed it at Gus, "you wanna tell me why you got heroin here?" Gus laughed and said, "Oh Walter made that by accident." The cop said, "Actually, I'm Hank Schrader, Walt's brother in law who, in a twist, works for the DEA so actually I know that Walter didn't do this, So actually Walter didn't make this heroin cause he's my brother in law. Gus you're under arrest!" Special agent Schrader shot Gus twenty three times dead and then read him his Miranda Rights.

Spoiler:

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Special agent Schrader shot Gus twenty three times dead and then read him his Miranda Rights.

'You have the right to remain silent...'