Sherlock Holmes Mary Sue

Little Miss Holmes by happyalvin

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Stepping into the flat John was surprised to see a teenager girl with long dark hair pulled in pony tail dress in a school uniform consisting of a white shirt, pilot blue jumper and a blue tartan skirt, black tights and school shoes walking around the flat aimlessly. "Excuse me but who are you?" John asked.

The girl stopped in her tracks and glanced briefly at Sherlock before her eyes returned to John. "Shouldn't you be asking how I got in here?"

First Sue sign: long-ass description of what she looks likes, right down to her feet. Actually, pay attention to this description, because it comes up later. I have to agree with the girl (her name is Cassandra). John's first question shouldn't have been "who are you", but "Who the fuck are you?"

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"Enough with the pleasantries." Sherlock interrupted as he turned around to face his niece who was just like her father when it came to running circles around people before turning on the charm. "Cassandra what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in some boarding school in Scotland or have you been kicked out again? Does your father know about any of this?"

"Of he course he does this is Mycroft were talking about, he knows everything including what colour socks I'm wearing today." Cassandra replied in the same exasperated tone that John had seen both Mycroft and Sherlock used when they were questioning the intelligence of someone who clearly wasn't as smart as them.

"Yellow–" Sherlock began.

"Actually it's one yellow sock and one green sock. Must be getting rusty in your aging days dearest Sherlock as you've seem to forgot that I favour wearing odd socks and I'll have you know that I've been at boarding school in Winchester and no I haven't been kicked out, yet…" Cassandra replied with a rather smug grin on her face.

Sue trait two: is insufferable and knows more than Sherlock AND Mycroft Holmes. Also, she was described as wearing black tights to her feet- no mention of the Punky Brewster style socks. What a fashion maven we have on our hands. Actually...maybe she IS Punky Brewster...after all, Punky was left in a parking lot as a kid, and no mention of her dad was ever made...did she leave Henry to become this horrible Cassandra girl? PUNKY POWER!

Sue trait three spotted as well: bad ass who is going to get kicked out of boarding school. Man (girl), you are so cool- can I be you?

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"What's with the tarot cards?"

"A new hobby I've picked. Kind of ironic really considering my name and all…" Cassandra replied.

"Something else I see you picked up from another new boyfriend I presume?" Sherlock asked his niece, choosing to ignore Cassandra's statement in favour of the week old bruise on her neck that was being hidden by his niece's school shirt.

"Not my boyfriend, just a source of entertainment for when I'm bored. Honestly Sherlock you wouldn't believe the misconceptions about boarding schools these days, they all think it's something out of Ronald Searle's St. Trinian's books but it's mostly like as Enid Blyton book on a good day." Cassandra said with a sigh.

"You would know Cassandra considering that you've been kicked out of the top five private schools in the country." Sherlock retorted before momentarily surprised when Cassandra grabbed his arm, rolled up his sleeve and slapped on a nicotine patch.

"Yes Crank Pants Holmes, I did get…" Cassandra began stopping midway to frown slightly and as she did, her hand gripped Sherlock's wrist rather tightly for a few moments before. Her eyes managed to meet her uncle's for the briefest second before unwittingly shut on their own accord and her body gave way to the ground.

Oh god(ess?), I hope the tarot cards don't come into play- is she psychic too? Possible Sue trait four spotted. Definite Sue trait five with having oh so many boyfriends, but not caring, and Sue trait six with the cutesy nicknames canon characters. The story also states that Sherlock hasn't seen her in like ten years, so how would she know to put a nicotine patch on him? Is she just crazy and slaps nicotine patches on people she sees on the street? I actually would be down with that.

Oh, and it looks like she died. Goody.

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"I know it isn't Sherlock!" Cassandra hissed in annoyance. "And you'll know this considering you stole my medication from my bad that I have been indeed talking it because I know how serious my condition is. I know that I have to take my medication everyday and not skip any. I also know that I have to avoid the things that may trigger my seizures such as caffeine, alcohol, cigarettes' and drugs!"

Sherlock glared at his niece, he couldn't believe he had been nice to her when she clearly didn't deserve it not to mention he did not like that veiled insinuation that she had just made. "You don't have to tell me that Cassandra, I'm not the one with epilepsy here and the label says that you're on Clobazam now–"

/sigh. Not dead, just had an epileptic fit. I see someone went to web.md to check up on epilepsy and which drugs to take. I know it's just a typo, but "stole my medication from my bad" makes me laugh.

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"How was the meeting with the Prime Minister Mycroft?" Cassandra asked when her father walked into the flat, Cassandra didn't call her father and uncle by their titles, she instead called them by their given names because she didn't feel like calling them by their respective titles, which suited the Holmes brother's just fine.

"It was the home secretary Cassandra." Sherlock corrected.

Cassandra scrunched up her nose at being corrected before looking at her father and regaining a more neutral expression. "Ah yes I see that it was but in a manner of speaking I was marginally correct as the prime minister was the home secretary five years ago. But either way they're both bores but at least I know who the prime minister is Sherlock."

The lack of commas here makes it sound like she's calling both her father and uncle Prime Minister. Sherlock seems like he's calling Cassandra the home secretary. And, sorry, she calls them by their first names because she doesn't *feel* like calling them by their respective titles? No more explanation than that? I mean, come on, I hate this story and I could say "she didn't feel connected to them enough to call them 'Dad' or 'Uncle'. Jesus.

Last quote:

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"You two know each other?" Sherlock demanded looking at the two of them in shock and Cassandra just smirked; it was so easy to wind her uncle up and not to mention very amusing. "How long have you know her?"

"Almost as long as I've known you Sherlock." DI Lestrade replied which didn't satisfy Sherlock who turned his attention to his niece who surely had the answers he wanted, that is if she was willing to give them up.

"Did I neglect to mention that? Must have slipped my mind, silly me but don't worry Sherlock you don't come up in our conversations at all so you needn't worry about whether or not we talk about you. It's more like a business acquaintance than anything as I'm only sent to DI Lestrade when Mycroft needs to tell him something of upmost importance and can't do it in person himself." Cassandra said a she fiddle with the ends of her head which was done up in a fancy french plait.

Yes, Mycroft would trust this brat to relay important info to Lestrade. This kid quips and smirks so much I think she's a super-villain. I also love that Cassandra fiddled with the *ends of her head*. She played with her ears? She cupped her chin and patted her head at the same time? I would like her more if she did, then randomly slapped a nicotine patch on someone on the street. I also need more info on what color socks she's wearing...PUNKY POWER!

Is this Moriarty's new plan? I knew he didn't really die.

Okay, I'm going to preface this by saying that while I'm not a medical doctor or an epileptologist, I am epileptic, and have been so for...egads, ten years now, and have been on a variety of drugs (I think I'm pushing five now), and I have never heard of a drug that you take post-seizure. There are preventative drugs you take if you get auras, but since those drugs lose their efficacy and have a tendency to be highly addictive (and weren't approved by the FDA) those aren't often prescribed.

Also the moment where she rattles off how cigarettes, caffeine and alcohol can prompt seizures makes it sound like she's just copied/pasted straight off a website.

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Sherlock glared at his niece, he couldn't believe he had been nice to her when she clearly didn't deserve it.

I love when badfics have these little moments of self-awareness in them. It gives me hope for the future.

Freya wrote:

Okay, I'm going to preface this by saying that while I'm not a medical doctor or an epileptologist, I am epileptic, and have been so for...egads, ten years now, and have been on a variety of drugs (I think I'm pushing five now), and I have never heard of a drug that you take post-seizure. There are preventative drugs you take if you get auras, but since those drugs lose their efficacy and have a tendency to be highly addictive (and weren't approved by the FDA) those aren't often prescribed.

Also the moment where she rattles off how cigarettes, caffeine and alcohol can prompt seizures makes it sound like she's just copied/pasted straight off a website.

Nah, I think you are right. Just questioned my dad about this. He's a speech pathologist and he researches neurological speech and language disorders caused by epileptic seizures (among other things). According to him, people can take valium to stop seizures after they get too severe in certain cases, but you don't wait until after the seizure is finished. That would kind of defeat the purpose. As far as he knows, there aren't any pills you take post-seizure.

So kudos for catching that. :3

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"What's with the tarot cards?"

"A new hobby I've picked. Kind of ironic really considering my name and all…" Cassandra replied.

Not unless she means ironic that she would want to tell the future considering how well it went for the other Cassandra.

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Cassandra waltzed into the Ritz and made her way straight towards the restaurant, ignoring the maître d in favour of heading to the table where she knew her mother would be. Whenever they went to eat at the Ritz they always sat at the same table per Cassandra's request, as she liked consistency when it came to her mother. And when she arrived Cassandra wasn't disappointed, sitting in their tables dressed to the nines as always was her mother; Lydia Huntington. Cassandra actually felt happy to see her although she wouldn't tell her that instead she just stood in front of her mother and waited a moment before coughing to get her attention.

Ugh, whole lot of run ons; how does one begin? I'm going to imagine that Cassandra is indeed insane and did literally waltz into the Ritz, to the tables her mother is sitting *inside of*. Apparently her mother didn't notice her daughter's dancing from her table dress/tent, so Cass here had to get her attention by coughing. Again, I will imagine that this was not a polite cough, but a hacking, snotty booger filled cough that flew across the restaurant. "Have a nicotine patch, mom."

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"I like living with dad. I think he likes having me there too." Cassandra pointedly stated, referring to Mycroft as her 'dad' which she never did except for when she was with her mother. When she was with her mother Cassandra was slightly different, she was still as aloof and sarcastic with very little patience for trivial things but she was softer with her mother. As Lydia was normal. Cassandra wasn't normal but her mother's normality no matter how bizarre she found it to be gave Cassandra stability. Both figuratively not to mention emotionally. Lydia was emotional, overly emotional. Something that the Holmes weren't exactly known for. Having someone like Lydia as her mother stopped Cassandra from being as emotionally closed off and crippled like her father's side of the family.

How to parse this? Okay, so she just means: "My mom keeps me sane and balanced, whereas my Holmes side is too logical. Thanks mom!" But that's not flowery enough so we get this pile of garbage writing. Cassandra's still an insufferable prat when she's with mummy, but less of a terror. Her mom must be overjoyed. I don't know how "normal" Lydia is if she married Mycroft at one point and had a child with him, plus she's sitting in the middle of a few tables. These sentence fragments are killing me!

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"Oh wonderful darling, thank you for asking!" Lydia began going ten million miles an hour as she explained the details of her upcoming third marriage, which caused Cassandra to roll her eyes. That was one of the things that actually annoyed her about her mother, whilst Cassandra tended to act like her mother was the bane of her entire existence it was only her mother's marriage tendencies that annoyed her. That and the fact that someone so upbeat, optimistic and emotional person like her mother ended up marrying and reproducing with someone so cold and distant like her father. What bothered Cassandra about her mother constantly getting remarried was that she herself got dragged into it, only for it to never work out. There was a small part of her that wanted her mother to be happy but that was generally overlooked by her desire not to be forced into another frilly bridesmaid dress.

Cassandra if you say ONE thing annoys you about your mother, you get to list ONE thing. So far the things that annoy you are that your mother has an upbeat, optimistic, emotional personality (so, she's a mom-like person), got married and had you (yes, very disappointing from my point of view, I must say), but the thing that bothers you the MOST about your mother is that you get dragged into wearing a YUCKY BRIDESMAIDS DRESS for your mother's wedding, even though a small part of you wants her to be happy. You are a tool.

Just cherry picking here, as the story is sort of short at this point BUT filled with irritants:

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"Dare I say you missed your uncle Cassandra?" Mycroft asked in an amused manner.

"Don't confuse my fondness for your brother's eccentricities for actual affection, he is your baby brother after all not mine considering I have the delightful pleasure of being an only child and I intend on it remaining that way. If anyone pertains any affection for him than it's you Mycroft." Cassandra spat in annoyance before sighing, getting mad at what her father suggested just made it seem like she cared.

"Cassandra…"

"Caring is not an advantage Mycroft, you know that better than anyone. In fact it might as well become the family motto considering it's been ingrained in all of our brains since birth."

"You care." Mycroft began.

"No I don't." Cassandra retorted.

"Yes you do."

"Is it because I have breasts and ovaries Mycroft? Or is it because I may someday bare children that it makes me predisposed to caring?" Cassandra blurted out much to her surprise and Mycroft's embarrassment and once she saw her father's cheeks tinge pink Cassandra couldn't help but laugh.

Oh, I love with authors steal from the show and start throwing around catchphrases. And what scintillating dialog between two supposed masters of deduction: "No I don't", "Yes you do". I'd be embarrassed too if I were Mycroft and had to put up with this display from this kid. Congrats, kid, you know your biology. Now put on your mismatched socks and read some tarot cards while licking nicotine patches.

OK were nicotine patches even a thing in Sherlock's time?

Oh wait I am on the internet. No. The answer is no, they were invented in, like, the 1980s.

I think this is the BBC remake Sherlock, which is Sherlock Holmes in modern times. Actually a very good show. So, yes on the patches in this case.

OH WELL THEN. Fuck me for being in the middle of re-reading The Hound of the Baskervilles I guess.

It is a great remake in modern times- nicotine patches substituted for the cocaine use, John blogs instead of writes in the paper, that sort of thing.

Still prefer the old Jeremy Brett series, but that's ok.