Cilan's Assasination Tactics

I was scrolling Encyclopedia Dramatica one day out of sheer boredom, and since I have recently joined WGW, I looked up "fanfiction" for something to write about here. The fanfictions on the page ranged from mediocre to incredibly awkward (there was even a Batman lemonfic on the page), covering topics like Sonic and Naruto. I chose one of the fanfics on the page at random, and I ended up with a Pokemon fanfic. Today, I present to you:

Cilan Tries to Kill Ash

Now, for those who don't know about "Cilan", he's basically the replacement for Brock in the most recent Pokemon anime's region. The female companion on Ash's adventures also got replaced in the most recent region by Iris, a gym leader as well as Cilan. Just to give you all some background information before the fanfic begins.

Also, aside from the characters, this fic has little to do with Pokemon at all. You could replace the cast with characters from any other franchise, whether it be Sonic or Harry Potter, and it would make just as much sense. There's not even any Pokemon in this fic.

So without further adieu, let's read!

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One nice & sunny day, the trio were in the living room doing something. Ash was having hia afternoon nap, while his girlfriend read a book. Cilan had just put a pizza in the oven to cook, and soon joined the couple in the main room.

And what would a Pokemon fanfic be without shipping? Oh, and nice typo there, I guess someone forgot to proofread!

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The chef was staring at the 'pet' with daggers. He hated him, and for a good reason too.

I could only imagine Cilan's eyes being replaced with daggers pointing at Ash.

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Ash always ate all the food that Cilan had bought. Once it was all gone, like a day later, he would have to go back to the store to restock. This time however, Cilan decides that he should just get rid of the beloved 'pet'. He need to think of a plan, but what?

And the more Cilan thought of this eating-of-groceries thing, the more Cilan thought, "I must stop this whole thing! A hundred or so episodes, I've put up with it now! I must top Ash from eating..... but how?"
Then he got an idea. An awful idea. Cilan got a wonderful, awful idea!

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"Hey Cilan, could you look after Ash for me?" Cilan soon returned to his 'gentleman' ways. "Sure Iris, whats up?" "I need to run to the store. I had a special bone cake made for my beloved doggie, & I need to go get it." 'Perfect, while shes gone, I can do away with the 'pup'!' he thought. "Take your time, we'll be here, having lunch." He gave her one of his dazzling smiles. Soon, after Iris left the hideout.

Cilan then went over to the sleeping 'dog', and kicked him a few times.

I love how the author keeps putting dog and pup in quotation marks, like Ash really isn't a dog but he believes he's one.

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Soon, Ash woke up. *yawn* "Who was kicking me...?" he asked sleeply. "Hey, Ash, want a pie? I can make on just for you." The wolf-pup's ears perked up at that. "Yeah, sounds good!" "Ok well, sit tight and I'll call you when its done." "Ok." said Ash. The chef soon made his way back into the kitchen, smirking evilly to himself. 'You simple minded dog. You're so easy to read...'

A few hours later, Cilan had finished making the pies, one for later & one loaded with a whole jar of poison.

Poisoning food to kill someone, what an original idea!

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He hid the other pie, without the poison, in the microwave. "Ash, you can come in now! Its ready!" he called. Soon the 'pup' walked in the kitchen. Cilan sat the pie on the floor where Ash was. "Well, enjoy it!" "Thanks, I will!" Ash said, as he dug into the pie. He didn't notice that Cilan had an evil gleam in his eyes...

Soon the pie was gone. He was licking the pan. "That was the best pie ever!" Cilan came into the kitchen. "Glad you liked it." He says,

Uh oh, someone's mixing up past and present tense!

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but was soon met with a soft moan, that came from the 'pet'. "Hey, man, whats wrong?" the chef asked, pretending to be concerned. Ash was cluching his stomach in pain, looking a bit pale.

Wait... how can Ash clutch his chest if he's a DOG?

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"... I dunno... I really don't feel well all of a sudden..." he choked out. Cilan then rubbed his 'friend's' stomach bit before saying; "Maybe eating that whole pie, gave you a stomachache." Ash suddenly grew silent, his breathing slowing down. Cilan smirked evilly. 'Won't be long now...'

And that's all I'm gonna read, just to leave you guys on a cliffhanger. If anyone else wants to have a go at this fic, there's a link down below.

As for the fic itself, I wouldn't say this fanfic is as horrible as other infamous Pokemon fanfics or infamous fanfics in general, but this story's still just awful. Everyone is out of character here, especially Cilan, wanting to kill Ash the dog. And like many typical Pokemon fanfics, shipping is immediately apparent. Another one of my gripes with this is that the story had nothing to do with Pokemon except for the characters; at least put them in a town in the Unova or something!

Also, this is my first post here on WGW, so if anyone wants to give me criticism or advice on improving, feel free.

This fanfic can be found on Fanfiction.net. I can't post a link because new members can't post links for seven days.

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Meanwhile Cilan was out back reading a book. He then looked to his watch. "Well, time to check & see if Were-mutt is dead yet." He made his way back into the house, only to discover somthing shocking; Ash was there, on all fours, in his were-form. He seemed pretty ticked-off, which was evident by his growling. The chef was scared now. "Hey Ash, old buddy what-?" he started, but was cut off by a low threating growl. "So... you tried to kill me..." he says walking towards the chef. Cilan was backing up, but he backed right up into a ticked-off Iris, who was also in her were-form.

Apparently Ash and Iris are werewolves? I'll admit it's been a while since I've watched the show, but that seems like a stretch.

Also the author doesn't know that you're supposed to start a new paragraph whenever someone speaks. A small thing, I know, compared to the werewolf thing, but these things bug me.

At least the reviews aren't a mass of squee.

Hello and welcome to WGW.

This fic has one of my most hated formatting errors. It hurts me in my happy place when I see a conversation written out as a never-ending paragraph. I did finally find out why (at least some) fanbrats make this mistake. The person I spoke to IRL said, "Well, I like to write but I don't like to read other people's stuff."

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One nice & sunny day, the trio were in the living room doing something. Ash was having hia afternoon nap, while his girlfriend read a book. Cilan had just put a pizza in the oven to cook, and soon joined the couple in the main room.

The use of symbols instead of writing out the words is so lazy. I can't stand people doing that when texting. Why on Earth would you do that when writing a story?