Subtlety and Stomach Acid (and a Sue)

Yes I just posted a Harry Potter Snark yesterday. I'm bored, and in the mood for pain. So today our featured story is "The Days of Daz at Hogwarts," starring the humble, perfect, beautiful Dazzalina Evans! Her sole purpose in the story? To bring Harry and Hermione together.

I thought I might begin by quoting the author's note--just so we know what we're in for. It's quite possible that this is a troll--I'll let the jury decide--but I believe it's just a brat with an agenda. A hate-filled agenda. I'm going to keep my comments to a minimum, to let this atrocity speak for itself. All emphasis is mine:

Quote :

I am a writer, using the penname Hippogriffigirl42. A few years ago I used this site to post fanfics for my favorite pairing, Harry/Hermione. Now I have decided to start writing fanfiction again, because I remembered how much fun it was. I'm leaving up my old fics, even though now I know they were kind of silly, so don't flame! I still hate Ron and Ginny, they were the worst characters ever. JKR is one of my favorite writers, but in my humble opinion she ruined the series by having harry end up with Ginny instead of his obvious true love- Hermione. I have decided to write the stories JK Rowling simply did not have the skill, sensitivity and courage to pen- the stories of love, of happiness, of Harry/Hermione.

Word.

Let's begin:

Quote :

Ron Weasley, the hideously ugly red headed misoginist woman hater, was walking through the corridors of Hogwarts, burping a tune to himself in a way he thought was clever and funny. Lavender and Parvati saw him and rolled their eyes at how stupid he was. "You smell!" Ron shouted. He let out an echoing fart.

I've heard of Kick-a-Ginger Day, but this is just...

Quote :

Harry Potter saw Ron and grimaced in pain at how utterly moronic and ridiculous his supposed best friend was.

You're not the only one grimacing in pain, Harry.

Quote :

"Hey Ron!" said Harry. "You're supposed to be at the sorting! That cool new student is going to be sorted and everyone can't wait to see what house she'll be in! I hope it's griffindor!" "Whatever," belched Ron.

Now I'm starting to suspect that Ron has some sort of health condition. Why not try getting him some help, Harry?

Anyway, the boys walk into the hall and all the girls yell ewww at "Ron's ugly face." Then:

Quote :

"Hey Harry," said Ginny, Ron's inbred younger sister, in a sleazy voice, "come sit here." She was wearing a sparkly bikini, in violation of the HOgwart's dress code, and her skin was covered in hideous orange fake tan. She looked like a reject from Jersey Shore. "Uh, maybe later Ginny," winced Harry, going to sit near Hermione.

Just.....no.

Quote :

"QUIET EVERYONE!" said proffessor MackGonogal. "I have an enormously important annoucnement to make! We have a brand new student joining our fifth year- a transfer student from our sister school in the States, Boarcarbuncles Academy! A standing ovation, everyone!"

Quiet everyone! Here comes the Sue! A Sue so Sue-ish she has to be a troll!

Quote :

The whole school rose to their feet and clapped as a slender, attractive young witch walked through the doors. She had apple-green hair, bright green eyes and a pretty smile. "Dazzalina Evans!" Announced McGonagall. The fascinating witch sat on the stool and put the sorting hat on her head. Everyone waited with baited breath for it to make it's announcement. "Ewww, is she a muggleborn or what," said Ron, farting again.

Ron is the only one who sees through the Sue to the author!

Quote :

"Hmmmmmm," the hat said. "I can't decide! You're incredibly ambitious, courageous, intelligent and loyal! All four houses would be so proud to have someone as amazing as you, Dazzalina...I'll put you in Griffindor!"

Ron scowled and farted again.

I'm starting to like this Ron. That's exactly the reaction I had to this story.

Wow, has she got a hate-on for the Weasleys or what? This takes bashing to a new level.

LOL trollfic

EileenK98 wrote:

Wow, has she got a hate-on for the Weasleys or what? This takes bashing to a new level.

More like three new levels.

Drinking game time!

Every time Ron belches, burps or quaffes, take half a shot.

Every time Ron farts or displays any other symptoms of Gastroenteritis, eat a Mylanta.

With any luck, we'll flush all the liquor out of our systems before alcohol poisoning sets in.

Quote :

proffessor MackGonogal.

Just... wow. Where do you start with that one car crash alone? No capitalised P for Professor, which is also misspelled. And, unless Apple have released a MackConogal, the author means McGonagall.

The Ron and Ginny hatred is plain silly. Either it's a troll or a self-entitlement fanbrat.

Yeah, this is a pretty obvious trollfic.

Still, "Boarcarbunkles" made me giggle.

Do you know what, I think you guys are right that this is a troll.

And this is a fucked up troll. I've browsed some of her other stories (some of which are 10,000 words+), and they are all almost EXACTLY THE SAME. They all have the same plot: a Sue comes to unite Hermione and Harry--and they all get down and dirty with the Weasley bashing. It's taken to epic proportions. This person isn't just obsessed (with a lot of time to spare)--she's sick!

Also, can I just share this line from another of her stories titled Harmony Hippogriff at Hogwarts :

Quote :

The spirit of Albus Dumbledore flew overhead, dropping candies, gems, glitter, ribbons and teddy bears. "Love is the only true magic!" he cried. "Love one another!"

Gotta be a troll, but it kinda seems like a troll with an agenda. Either the agenda they appear to have or maybe the opposite, I dunno. Or it could be just be that they find it the easiest way to get the audience riled up I guess.

You'd be surprised on how far the Harry Potter fandom goes. Don't forget there is a subset of fans that, to this day, produces daily essays on how Snape is the saintliest character ever not written (since JKR got him all wrong) and everyone who looked at him ugly is the hypothetical son of Hitler and Cruella DeVil.

How can she have got Snape's character wrong? She made him up.

(meanwhile, I am wondering whether 1 month after the last post qualifies as necroposting.... )

Let's finish this sorry excuse for a chapter, shall we?

Quote :

The Griffindor table burst into applause, stamping their feet and cheering madly. The other three tables looked sulky.

Surely by now they should be used to the fact that Sues always get sorted into Gryffindor. Well, except Enoby.


Ron scowled and farted again.

Someone pass him a pack of Rennies.


"I'm afraid I've made a mistake with your sorting son. You belong in Sltherin!"

Not all Sltherins are evil, y'know. And why are you waiting five years to tell him this?


"No!" He shouted. "This is a nightmare! This is one of my nightmares!

Just then, a large group of spiders surrounded him. "Get tapdancing!" commanded one of them.


Get thee to slytherin!

The hat's been possessed by Voldemint!


"Do you think burping's funny?" asked Harry.
Daz wrinkled her nose.
"Uh, no. That's gross."
"Then you can be our friend!" Harry smiled.

That's not really a good way to choose friends! She could be a polyjuiced Sarah Palin for all you know!


Next time on the Days of Daz at Hogwarts: Daz turns out to be related to Robert E. Lee, Ulysses Grant, Stonewall Jackson and William T. Sherman. Oh, and Ron makes a deal with Satan. Probably.