I always love a good Mary Sue, it's almost easy street in terms of snarking. With that I give you Burn by JudithandHolmes, a Star Trek: The Next Generation Fic.
Right, some crappy prologue here. Parts of this are okay. The author has good control of the English language and most of the canon characters are the way they should be. But... and this is a big but, (hurrr!) the story centres around a massive Mary Sue who causes some canon characters to think with their dicks the whole time. This arguably makes it more disappointing, because the author might be able to write something good if she just didn't want to put her power fantasies on paper and show them to the world like so many fanbrats before her. There's even a Star Trek MMORPG nowadays, for fuck's sake, she should really sign up to that to be Miss Awesome who totally shows everybody. You can even be basically be a Starfleet ninja in it with the close quarters tactical kit. I should know, I've done it. No excuse for this.
So the story centres around Judith, who is totally awesome. What do you call it when the author names an OC after herself? Originality? Good writing? Oh no. Self-insert. That's it.
We have pretty standard Sue characteristics:
- Chapter 1 wrote:
- Judith. She didn't remember much of her early childhood, and certainly not anything of fond memories of love and affection. She didn't feel bad for herself; she didn't quite feel anything of it at all.
...
Her most poignant childhood memory was the day that her father and his clan killed her mother.
...
Judith did not cry.
Judith was eight.
Tragic childhood? Check. And she was totally hard shit even when she was eight. Wowee!
- Chapter 2 wrote:
- She intervened, disarmed and incapacitated all five of the Klingon officers, seriously injuring one (he later made a full recovery) without injury to herself, and prevented any injury to the uninvolved persons nearby. Her technique was an unusual, most definitely fatal to an opponent if necessary, and unknown form of hand to hand combat which seems to be related to Earth martial arts of several different varieties.
Super awesome abilities that are special and unique? Check.
- Chapter 2 wrote:
- The picture on the holoscreen in front of him was of the most breathtakingly stunning woman he had ever seen.
...
He literally shook himself. He was not one to usually ever be taken by a woman's appearance so strongly in person, let alone a mere holo. Maybe it was the shock that such a mysterious and apparently lethal creature could be so alluringly beautiful... He thought it was probably one of her advantages in combat.
Unbelievably HAWT? Check. That by the way is Captain Picard looking at the picture, in case you're wondering. Can you see where this is going?
So Judith is brought to the
Enterprise in a specialist security role:
- Chapter 2 wrote:
- He had played Starfleet's political games long enough to read between the lines of what her "new position" was to be.
MISSIONARY!
Sorry.
- Rest of that line wrote:
- She was to be a ruthless assassin to any enemy of the Enterprise if needed.
By the way, Starfleet know nothing about her background. They don't know for sure how old she is. They don't even know what species she is - she's mostly human with some unidentifiable DNA - but they let her join the Academy anyway purely because she beat up 5 drunk Klingons. And then assign her to a specialist position that basically consists of being a professional assassin. Y'know a role that you might need someone dependable in terms of both ability and judgment in. Plausible.
Chapter 3 is mostly her recalling the time she beat up 5 Klingons because they were drunk and fought like retards. It's unremarkable, so I won't bother putting any material from it up.
Chapter 4 is the Enterprise crew discussing her potential addition to the crew. A further insight into here specialness here:
- Chapter 4 wrote:
- As he had figured, the person who would be in direct Command of Lieutenant Bethulia, Worf, was the first to speak.
"Captain, with all do respect, I have...reservations about this officer's placement aboard the Enterprise. I have perused the necessary files to gauge her qualifications for her position, and I feel that she is... perhaps overly qualified for the current needs of the Enterprise's security team."
Too good even for the Enterprise. Worf no doubt will be having raging penis envy, or a raging hard-on when she arrives. Maybe both. But she's not just special at fighting, Geordi is also super impressed with the modifications she made to her own ship before joining Starfleet, and Crusher is eager to scan the unidentified parts of her DNA structure. I suppose she's an elite flower arranger too.
- Chaper 4 wrote:
- "But that's just the point, Deanna," Will Riker interjected. "We don't know exactly what her past is. I'm not saying that I believe that she's a danger to the crew, Captain," he turned to Picard, "It's just that I don't know exactly how much trust we can put in someone who we know almost nothing about...her DNA..."
Again begging the question: Does the author seriously expect us to believe that she'd be let into the Academy under those circumstances? C'mon Judith, give your audience some credit.
Eventually they agree to assign her to the ship. She recieves what can only be described as a ninja outfit from Starfleet:
- Chapter 5 wrote:
- For her newly created position and mission as a separate and new unit and as an addition to other security personnel, Starfleet had at first presented her with a newly designed uniform that was jet black from head to toe. Even the com badge and rank pips had been black matted so they could be hardly seen. The uniform had a cleverly folded head covering that could be pulled up over the wearer's head that even covered the eyes but left the wearer able to see clearly and therefore rendering them virtually invisible in darkness and shadows, and completely intimidating when standing in front of an opponent in battle. This uniform was even more form fitting, it wore like a second skin.
But she doesn't want to wear it because she's so modest about her super-hot body.
So she, thankfully, wears a normal uniform on the ship. Still attracts plenty of attention though:
- Chapter 6 wrote:
- Many people turned to look after the trio as they passed. New crew members and people aboard were the norm, but Judith was much more striking then most. Deanna laughed as one young ensign literally ran himself into a wall as he tried to continue on his way while walking backwards to follow Judith's progress.
"You are already making quite the impression." She said with a smile.
"I do not wish to make any impression with the crew except by my conduct and adequate if not exemplary performance of my duties, Counselor Troi." Judith was starting to have the familiar feeling of wanting to disguise herself. She knew she should be used to it by now after Academy, but it always made her feel so damn uncomfortable to be looked at.
Isn't it so endearing that the author makes a superhot character that's really modest? What do you mean "obnoxious"? You people can't appreciate fucking art.
She's then taken to Ten Forward where Guinan realises she's SUPER SPECIAL and then has the following meeting with Data:
- Chapter 6 wrote:
- Data extended his hand to Judith and grasped it firmly. He gave her a formal bow made at the waist, more than a bit theatrical to the lookers-on. Then, to the astonishment of all, he lifted her hand up and brushed his lips across it. Judith felt a frission of something as his lips touched the sensitive skin on the top of her hand. "I am Lieutenant Commander Data, and I am pleased to meet you, Lieutenant Bethulia."
"DATA!" Deanna virtually shouted. The entire of Ten Forward has gone completely silent and were obviously transfixed on the scene before them.
"I am sorry Counselor Troi, is there something wrong?" Data looked puzzled, still holding on to Judith's hand.
"Data, that is NOT the proper way to greet a new crew member!" Worf looked like he might start shouting at any moment, also.
"I am sorry, by what do you mean? I was attempting to set Lieutenant Bethulia at ease and be less formal since we are in Ten Forward and in a more relaxed setting. I apologize if I have offended you, Lieutenant." Data looked at Judith, obviously concerned that he had made a truly serious faux pas.
I can't work out what the fuck this is supposed to be? Data's lolarious social oddity? Just seems retarded, really.
Thereafter, we're treated to Judith dreaming about murdering her father with more references to her totally tragic upbringing, causing her to wake up in a cold sweat at 2am. Poor lass. We're treated to the following important detail:
- Chapter 7 wrote:
- She shook herself, stretched again to alleviate the tense muscles in her back and neck, and strode to the lavatory, completely naked. As much as she hated being stared at, while alone, she felt the most comfortable "sky clad".
OMG! The really hot self-insert is NAKED! FAP FAP FAP everyone.
Can't think of why this detail needs to be here other than to try and titilate your audience. Doesn't tell her anything about her character and is at odds with her previous modesty for, at this stage, no particular reason. Either write erotica/porn or don't. That sort of implied fanservice doesn't work in writing imo.
We're treated to some exposition about how she hasn't met the Captain yet, despite being on the ship for a week and Picard normally meeting (according to the author) new officers the day they arrive.
The reason for this:
- Chapter 7 wrote:
- What he didn't understand was why he was... so bloody uncomfortable about meeting his new Lieutenant. Every day, he called up her holo pics and looked at them, reading and re-reading all the files and information that was available on her.
He was fapping to the pictures of her basically. So he's regressed to a 15 year old, now. Great. Guinan comes along to explain how SPECIAL Judith is:
- Chapter 7 wrote:
- "Captain Picard, YOU NEED to meet this girl before you judge her. She is essential to the future of your crew, and essential for YOU, and in more ways then just militant protection. She is of absolutely NO danger to anyone on this ship. The only danger will be to HER because of her millenniums old born-and-bred code of honour to protect this crew and YOU. She has unquestionably devoted herself to her mission, to the point of allowing herself to be killed in the line of her duty to do what is necessary, and without any question or an iota of fear." She paused, her obvious simmering anger abating, as her mind switched gears. "Or are there other reasons for your worry, Jean Luc?" Guinan quirked her head to the side, studying him, appraising his reactions.
...
"Meet her, Jean Luc. Stop retreating from what needs, what might be fated, to happen."
I haven't seen such perfect people in the writings of Gerald of Wales (Historysnark! NO ONE'S going to get that). What's that foreshadowing anyway? That she's basically a reincarnated super warrior something? Wow. That's a new one.
Picard proceeds to basically have a wet dream about her, wakes up and decides he needs to have a cold swim in the ship's pool. Guess who else is going to be there?
- Chapter 7 wrote:
- Data had shown her the ship's large pool for swimming laps and recreation. Glancing at the clock again, (02:34), she decided to go for a relaxing few laps in a warm pool.
That's right. Judith.
Now, what do you think is going to happen here:
1) Picard and Judith Sue meet up in the pool and have a lolarious argument about the temperature of the water, end up laughing it off, and end up drinking tea together in Picard's ready room discussing the finer points of Shakespeare and human philosophy.
2) The supposedly modest Judith Sue will decide to swim naked for no particular reason and Picard will walk in on her?
Hint:
If you pick option 1, then you'll be wrong.
- Chapter 7 wrote:
- Judith stepped over to the pool room door's control panel. She knew that locking the doors from the inside was a no no, but it was almost three in the morning, and who would be as much of a disturbed insomniac as she to come here? Besides, the door would chime if someone wanted entry.
Judith liked to swim as she liked to sleep.
Naked.
She let her fingers run over the door's control panels, effectively locking them until she released them.
So, Judith is at best being an inconvenience to anyone else wanting to use the pool and at worst being a skank. So what if it's 3 in the fucking morning? You're in a quasi-military organisation, people are on shifts and stations are manned 24/7, not everyone is going to get up at 8am and go to bed at 11 or 12 in the evening.
Picard over-rides the door (by the way Judith doesn't shout "Sorry! 2 secs!", gather her clothes, and open the door like the author implied she would when Picard rings the doorbell) and is stunned by her beauty.
- Chapter 7 wrote:
- "Oh, god..." Picard still couldn't move. He looked across at Judith Bethulia, into her eyes, and was lost.
...
Her form was perfect, muscles rippling under her water-dropped skin, curves that were unbelievable. The curve and the line of her back and neck, he couldn't stop tracing it with his eyes. The shape of her perfect bottom...
"My Sue is super hawt!!! Fap nao!!!" So all this "She's modest, but not really cos in private she likes to strut around nakie!!!" business was just so Picard would get a look at her tits. Classy writing there.
Anyway, that's about halfway through the fic. I may or may not snark the rest of it. Spoiler: Picard doesn't bone her. At least not before Chapter 9 anyway.
Home 
