But I'm Here

But I'm Here

What we have here, folks, is a 100% genuine Titanic badfic, complete with anachronistic dialogue, a Sue, and a canon character who has apparently been hanging around Fukushima. Let the snarking begin!

Quote :

The atmosphere around the table was full of dead seriousness.

Surprisingly, however, in spite of the seriousness being dead and airborne, everyone was still alive.

Quote :

I glanced at my pack of cards, they weren't a great set and looking at my belongings on the table, I couldn't help but worry that I was going to lose everything I ever owned. Including my locket my mother gave me before she died. My most prized possession.

Why would you bet your most prized possession in a poker game?

Oh, wait. I'm looking for logic. Never mind.

Quote :

Jack turned to face me, the persistence in his eyes.

Persistence in his eyes? It must come from being exposed to airborne dead seriousness.

Quote :

And the girls were resentful of me because I wasn't your typical girly girl.

Sue Trait #1: No one likes her because she's different.

Quote :

He had dusty blonde hair which he still has now and blinking blue eyes, which shine even more now we are older.

He was probably trying to get rid of the persistence.

Quote :

I was loud and outspoken and let my fists do most of the talking.

Sue Trait #2: Inexplicably bitchy.

Quote :

Even though Jack seemed to change out of the skinny scrawny kid he was into well a tall, muscular, tanned skin, glowing hair and ocean eyed teenager who had all the girls falling for him.

Run away. Run away as fast as you can. This guy's radioactive as hell.

Quote :

"Cassia!" He exclaimed.

Sue Trait #3: Speshul, anachronistic name.

Quote :

Of course time got better.

I didn't know time was ill.

Quote :

"Peace out!" I shouted and Jack laughed.

And the readers facepalmed.

Lady Anne wrote:

Persistence in his eyes? It must come from being exposed to airborne dead seriousness.

Haha, I laughed a lot at that. Nice snark.


The author's note before the story sounds like a typical fanbrat.

Quote :

So yeah read and review. I love reviews they make me smile and it's really great to hear what people think, so yeah it takes like two seconds to review so please do.

A review that takes only two seconds to write is not going to have anything helpful in it. All she's asking for is "OMFG!!!111 I LOVED it!!!11 Update soon!!!111"

Could Radioactive!Jack be the origin of the Godzilla myth?

I see some parallels here, people!

Quote :

I nudged myself over towards Jack and hissed in his ear. He shielded his cards protectively as if I wasn't to be trusted, even if we were on the same team. Typical Jack Dawson.

Um… maybe he shielded his cards because he didn’t want the other players to think that you are cheating?

Quote :

even if we were on the same team.

This was some class-A snarking. I literally lol'd several times.

Surprised you didn't pick up on the fact that she is holding apparently an entire pack of cards rather than the customary handful.

If so, she must be a dire poker player to still be losing despite having the whole pack at her disposal.

StandupShady wrote:

This was some class-A snarking. I literally lol'd several times.

Surprised you didn't pick up on the fact that she is holding apparently an entire pack of cards rather than the customary handful.

If so, she must be a dire poker player to still be losing despite having the whole pack at her disposal.

I guess she wasn't playing with a full deck.

Lady Anne wrote:

StandupShady wrote:

This was some class-A snarking. I literally lol'd several times.

Surprised you didn't pick up on the fact that she is holding apparently an entire pack of cards rather than the customary handful.

If so, she must be a dire poker player to still be losing despite having the whole pack at her disposal.

I guess she wasn't playing with a full deck.

Did you intend that to be a reflection on her sanity, too? Because that's the way I read it.

StandupShady wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

StandupShady wrote:

This was some class-A snarking. I literally lol'd several times.

Surprised you didn't pick up on the fact that she is holding apparently an entire pack of cards rather than the customary handful.

If so, she must be a dire poker player to still be losing despite having the whole pack at her disposal.

I guess she wasn't playing with a full deck.

Did you intend that to be a reflection on her sanity, too? Because that's the way I read it.

Hmm...she's in love with a guy who blows smoke in her face and makes her bet her most prized possession, and then she can't win at poker with a full pack of cards?

Yeah, both.

The author has written three more chapters full of snarkable badness.

Chapter Two

Quote :

It was definitely a tight squeeze down the consuming corridor.

No wonder so many people died on the Titanic. They were eaten by the corridor.

Quote :

"Are you two boyfriend and girlfriend?" Cora asked curiously.

I turned to face Jack. Who without even looking at me burst out laughing. I copied his laughs, trying to make them sound as convincing as possible, though inside the cackles hurt me.

And yet, somehow, Cassia is still in love with Jerk Jack.

Quote :

"Daddy!" Cora exclaimed.

The man swopped her into his arms.

That sounds downright abusive.

Quote :

"Ma'lady, your cabin awaits," Jack said in a very convincing posh accent.

I didn't know people with posh accents went around calling other people maladies.

Quote :

It was obvious they were talking about me. I shuffled further into the room, feeling really paranoid and really insecure.

I wonder why.

Quote :

"She woman, we men, same room," The man struggled, but we both knew what he meant.

Me Tarzan. You Jane. Wanna fuck?

Quote :

"No need to worry, Cassia has shared rooms with other men before, with the same concerns. It's cool,"

Translation: She's a whore.

Quote :

I looked down eagerly, and indeed there were dolphins just in front of the ship, swimming out of its reach.

The Titanic was quite a ship. Its corridors consumed people and its hull grabbed dolphins. Too bad its mother didn't teach it not to play with icebergs.

Quote :

He placed an arm protectively over my waist. I was too engrossed to notice.

I guess we know what Rule 34 means to Cassia.

Quote :

The look on his face said it all. At that moment in time, there was nowhere else I would rather be.

Except with the dolphins.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I highly doubt that people in 1912 used to word "cool" in order to describe anything else but a low temperature.

This is so dumb. The Sue sucks. Hey, even back in the Titanic heyday of 1998, when I was fifteen and totally in love with Jack, I never dreamed of making up a Rose-replacement-Sue. It's lame and it never, ever works. Rose and Jack's love story is the point of the whole darned thing.

The Scientist wrote:

Rose and Jack's love story is the point of the whole darned thing.

And that's why it attracts so many fanbrats; it's the Twilight of historical fiction.

True. I should know, I used to be one.

But why would you change the one aspect of a story that drew you in, in the first place? The "epic" romance between Edward and Bella is what gets the fangirls squeeing. I don't understand why they would write self-inserts that replace the "epic" heroine. Sure, they want to be with the dashing hero, but it's lame.

I loved Titanic and I thought it was the most epic lovestory ever. I would never erase Rose from the equation and write myself in. No matter how awesome Jack might have seemed to me back then.

At least the rapping dog hasn't made an appearance. (yet)

Rapping dog? I must have missed that one.

This is what I was referring to (It's from "Titanic; The Legend Goes On" an animated Italian film made by someone who had probably never heard of the real-life disaster and thought it was fictitious):

The insanity starts at 0:31

Is this for real?

Someone messed with the original, didn't they? Because if they didn't....boy howdy, this is bad.

And yet, I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

The Scientist wrote:

Is this for real?

Someone messed with the original, didn't they? Because if they didn't....boy howdy, this is bad.

And yet, I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

Yep, it's a real movie, and here a link to the Nostalgia critic review on it.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
and to the other titanic animation movie that is worse the the other movie.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Y'know, I've had plenty of time to ruminate on that weird rapping-dog scene. Since the movie was originally in Italian, I have a feeling they felt like the movie as it was would not appeal to an American demographic; so they just slammed a 90s music number and some bits of animation in there to make it appeal more. Ignoring, apparently, the fact that the song makes absolutely no sense in the context of either the historical time period, what was going on in the scene right before, or the plot in general. It's just THERE like a big festering wound that can't be ignored.

^ That's what I thought...or something along those lines, anyway.

It's really bizarre, and some of the animation kind of looks out of place.


I can tell you this much: I would have hated this as a child.

The Scientist wrote:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I highly doubt that people in 1912 used to word "cool" in order to describe anything else but a low temperature.

They didn't. Cool as in was first recorded in 1933, and though it might have been around before then it certainly wasn't a mainstream usage.

That's the least of this fic's problems. There is no way Jack and Cassie would have been allowed to share a cabin, unless they were married, or pretended they were married. That might have been interesting, if the author had gone with that angle, but apparently she's not that creative.

You might as well set this on a cruise ship in present day. It would make more sense.

Actually, even before the 30's, they would have used it in certain contexts outside of describing temperature. It was used meaning "calmly audacious" from 1825, and had other meanings before that. Regardless of the meaning, they were still doing it wrong.

I just don't think this girl would have run around sharing cabins with men and saying "cool". I don't know. It just feels stupid.