Things I Learned at the Movies

All detectives family members will end up in trouble with the law at some point - generally they will be accused of murder. This applies to police, PIs and (worst of all) all family of amateur sleuths. No matter how distantly related they may be, they may still be accused of murder and have to be rescued. Goes double if they live in photogenic places.

Case in point: Murder She Wrote's heroine Jessica Fletcher. Not only do you not want to be a family member of hers, it is dangerous just being an acquaintance. In extreme cases, it is dangerous walking past her on the street.

A favorite of mine: 75% of all Americans live in either New York or Los Angeles. The remaining 25% that live outside those cities are violently racist rednecks, inbred hillbillies or separatist militants.

All Christian priests, pastors, etc., must take one of two speech therapy classes in order to qualify for ordination. One of them teaches you to speak Bad Victorian Dialogue (For the demon is a scourge upon the planet, yea verily unto the end of time); the other one gives you a permanent cokehead stare and teaches you to talk in nothing but quotes from the KJV, preferably while waving a copy of the KJV. You must speak in one of these two ways at all times or you will be defrocked. Even if you were born in the 1970s.

If you are actually the main character of your movie or series, though, you get to talk like a normal person.

Identical twins will always dress, talk and act exactly alike. They will finish each others sentences, and no one (not even their parents or siblings) will be able to tell who's who. If they're teenagers, there will be no attempts at expressing their individuality by dying their hair odd colors, getting it cut differently, getting piercings, etc., unless the 'individual' haircuts, re-colors and piercings are also identical.

If they're old enough to date, they'll either (1) Date identical twins of the opposite sex, or (2) Date the same guy/girl, who'll never notice the difference, since they apparently kiss and perform sexually in an identical manner as well.

Conversely, if one twin is gay, they'll both be gay, and will most likely end up having sex with each other. Everything else (dressing, talking and acting alike) will remain unchanged.

If Neil Patrick Harris steals your car, nobody will believe you that NPH stole your car. But it was your fault for not taking him to a strip club.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Conversely, if one twin is gay, they'll both be gay, and will most likely end up having sex with each other.

What kind of movies do you watch?

For some reason, inhabitants of the Netherlands speak German, speak English with German accents and give their restaurants/coffee shops/strip clubs Germlish-names. Jawohl.

Avari wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

Conversely, if one twin is gay, they'll both be gay, and will most likely end up having sex with each other.

What kind of movies do you watch?

Morgan belongs to a movie club that specializes in gay/lesbian movies, and for some reason, incest between brothers, especially twins, seems to be a recurring theme in a fair number of them. They're not explicit (most of them are rated PG-13, with the occasional R), but the theme turns up fairly often.

Actually, it's also a recurring theme in gay pornos, so make of that what you will.

Therapists can do really unethical things with their patients and there's no problem with it. (Example, Prince of Tides- she sleeps with her patient- but it's Barbara Streisand, and he grows from the experience instead of feeling violated.)

Or therapists are placed in the same psychiatric facilities that they used to work in if they are charged with a crime.

There also seems to be a view that therapists are either the holy answer to life's problems or demons. Some tv shows or movies have the character see a therapist or mentor once, and all of life's problems are solved, or the therapist is totally evil and implants false memories, and turns the character against family members.

Quote :

Or therapists are placed in the same psychiatric facilities that they used to work in if they are charged with a crime.

From Gothika.

Yeah. Therapists are either cruel psychos who can't tell that somebody is sane, or will lock you up to keep you from talking to anybody about your experience. They also like to slip drugs into your food and drink on the sly, and don't have to tell you what your medicine really does.

All Germans are tall, blonde, bulky and probably called Hans. If they are allowed to speak, they either mangle English* beyond recognition or pepper their speech with random German words.

*or Japanese

People who speak languages other than English regularly hold conversations between each other in English.

ZoZo wrote:

People who speak languages other than English regularly hold conversations between each other in English.

Yeah, that's AWFUL. And when two different nations speak, they speak in English too, rather than one of their native languages. And when they talk to themselves, they speak in English too. And they think in English.

Although of course they always SWEAR in their native language.

They also use the words "Yes", "No", "Please", "Thankyou", "Hello" and "Goodbye" in their native language.

Chocho wrote:

All Germans are tall, blonde, bulky and probably called Hans.

So are Swedes and most of them come in twins, one is usually called Sven.

Any world-altering event (giant robots, ghosts, a hundred-foot tall Marshmallow Man waltzing around) will be conveniently explained away as either a mass hallucination or a publicity stunt.

If it scares horses, it should scare you.

All bad guys have British accents. Even if they're aliens.

There is absolutely no reason to pack up all your shit and leave a severely haunted house. All supernatural occurences can be rationalized and then dismissed as being 'the wind' or 'my imagination' or 'the house settling' or 'darn kids'. Even when faced with undeniable proof that there is crazy supernatural evil in your house, that's still not a reason to move out, because 'it will all be okay if we stick together'. (or, alternately: 'everything will work itself out, somehow.')

EileenK98 wrote:

All bad guys have British accents. Even if they're aliens.

Not quite all. A minority have an accent which hails from somewhere between Russia and Germany.

Actually, scratch that. It's a British accent replacing all the "w"s with "v"s.

When converting amazingly good Japanese Manga into English, any implications of homosexuality, whether accidental or intentional, MUST BE REMOVED. Homosexuals do not exist in cartoons because cartoons are for children, and obviously if children learn about homosexuality they will become evil gay liberal communists.

All cheerleaders are either complete brainless bimboes or cold, shallow bitches with superiority complexes the size of Brooklyn.

If a guy in a movie is about to meet a woman he rejected in high school because he considered her 'unattractive,' she will have dropped fifty pounds, lost her braces, started wearing contacts, and developed curves in all the right places. And no matter how badly he treated her then she will, of course, be overjoyed to have him immediately fall in love with her based solely on how she looks.

Rabid Badger wrote:

If a guy in a movie is about to meet a woman he rejected in high school because he considered her 'unattractive,' she will have dropped fifty pounds, lost her braces, started wearing contacts, and developed curves in all the right places. And no matter how badly he treated her then she will, of course, be overjoyed to have him immediately fall in love with her based solely on how she looks.

Guys who grew up to be attractive and successful, however, will find that that goddess they lusted after in high school is at least
completely brainless, and they fall for the One True Love who was really there the whole time, they were just too infatuated with The Tits to notice.

Unless it's Sam in Transformers, where there is no growing up and the girl was practically made for the dumbass he usurped.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

When converting amazingly good Japanese Manga into English, any implications of homosexuality, whether accidental or intentional, MUST BE REMOVED. Homosexuals do not exist in cartoons because cartoons are for children, and obviously if children learn about homosexuality they will become evil gay liberal communists.

I believe you have the wrong thread.

If somebody's pregnant, the pregnant person always survives. That's a sure-fire way to survive a horror movie - be at least three months pregnant. Having sex is a nono, but being pregnant... that's fine. As long as you don't mention it took having sex to get to that point.

Because in Hollywood, pregnant women never get hurt. And there's no such thing as a miscarriage.