A fanfic that is somehow more boring than the actual anime

My roommates and I really tried to give Heroman a chance. We really did. But 5 episodes in, we couldn't stomach it anymore. Watching water boil is truly a step up on the entertainment value scale.

So here it is:

Affection in the Gauntlet.

My first snark goes thusly: Doesn't the word "gauntlet", when used in the correct version of this context, mean something along the lines of a challenge or a fight? As in, to take up the gauntlet? This would have made more sense if the actual show was rife with images of the heraldic fury of Heroman, punching with his heart and soul, but we literally only get to see him punch something maybe once an episode. The rest is everyone talking too much and staring at things.

Maybe the "gauntlet" that Erin Primette so boldly refers to in the title is a subtle allusion to what clearly must have been the long and trying process of a sex change. This theory is further supported by a cryptic message at the very beginning of the manuscript:

Quote :

This Heroman fanfic is about Heroman and Joey Jones as lovers. However, I'm not making a slash pairing, so I genderswapped Joey Jones into a girl.

It is important to take note of this as the background on which the rest of the fanfiction is based, and, minding that, we can come to understand what emotional turmoil the newly mantled Josette Carter Jones must still reconcile as his new life as a woman. Actually on second thought, the sex change mustn't have been all that laborious because Joey looks, talks, and acts exactly like a chick anyways.

So the story starts off with Joey (Or Josette? Make up your fucking mind, author) thinking about how all other cast members have hooked up with other cast members, leaving him/her to cling to a toy, wishing he/she could date it.

Quote :

"Heroman," whispered Joey as she drifted off to sleep, "I wish I could be together with you…"

Insert really lame wet dream here. Then she wakes up.

Quote :

A moment later, she noticed that she was still carrying the action figure in her arms, but there was no apparent evidence for semen. Then, she concluded that she must've had a strange dream.

Truly, Joey has a dizzying intellect.

Quote :

"Maybe I should visit Psy today," thought Joey, "perhaps he could help me with this feeling that I've been having."

So he/she goes, meets up with a friend, and they continue on together. When they arrive,

Quote :

Professor Denton was also there

for no seemingly no reason. Completely ignoring the fact that this is slightly odd, Joey goes to talk to Psy.

Quote :

"Psy," answered Joey, "remember the sex video prank that Holly pulled on us a few weeks ago?"

"Yeah," replied Psy, "it still bugs me."

"Well," continued Joey, "You do understand that I really love Heroman."

"What does that have to do with the prank?" asked Psy.

"Last night," answered Joey, "I had a sex dream about him. Does that mean I have to do it right away?"

"I don't know," replied Psy, "But I think that you should make the decision on your own."

I.. wh... the fuck? Who is Holly? What is a sex video prank? And what DOES is have to do with being in love with a toy? His/her dizzying intellect is beginning to make me nauseous.

Quote :

Joey reluctantly agreed as she activated Heroman then Professor Denton summoned them and Psy to the living room with Lina. He then showed them a program about human reproduction.

Wow, what a coincidence! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

And what was this program called? "Amateur Bitches vol. 5"?

Where's the Chris Hanson emote when you need one...

Quote :

They were completely shocked by what was going on.

And that, friends, is how is babby formed.

Quote :

Then they played some board games for most of the day. When it was about dinnertime, Professor Denton brought P'Zones from Pizza Hut.

I love when you can tell exactly what the author likes from the weird stupid details they stick in their shitfics to try and make them feel grounded in the real world. I guess it's supposed to make them look less crazy or something.

Quote :

When Joey returned home, she pulled out Heroman from her backpack. Then, she activated her controller gauntlet and engaged Heroman into his complete form. He was not surprised since he got used to being summoned by Joey to cuddle with her for the last few weeks.

:Joey,: asked Heroman, :are you requesting attention at this time?:

"Heroman," replied Joey, "remember when I said that I love you?"

:I do.: said Heroman.

"Well," said Joey, "I actually meant it. I really want to make love to you!"

That's srs logic right there.

Quote :

:Joey,: queried Heroman, :I don't think I know how to do so.:

Read: I DON'T HAVE A DICK, YOU TWAT.

Quote :

"Then," answered Joey, "let me show you."

I find this part to be exceptionally funny, considering that Ms. Erin Primette has probably never been on a date.

Quote :

Joey approaches Heroman, which led him to gently lift her then embrace her to his torso.

Then, Joey brought her face closer to his. In response, Heroman pressed his lips against hers. They held this kiss for a moment. After that, Joey slightly opened up her mouth, which led Heroman to slide his tongue into her mouth. She nstantly moaned as he caressed her tongue with his own. After a few minutes, Heroman gently set down Joey, who immediately removed her jeans.

:Joey,: asked Heroman, :is this part of making love?:

"Not really," answered Joey as she then removed her underwear, "that was just preparation. Remember that video my sister showed us?"

For some reason I'm thinking the author is also a single child.

Quote :

:Yes,: said Heroman.

"That is one way 2 people make love," she replied, "and last night, I had a dream of where we experienced the same thing."

In that moment, a new symbol appeared on Joey's gauntlet, so she carefully examined it. The image of the new symbol had 2 interlocking hearts, which led her to assume that it had nothing to do with combat at all.

DIZZYING

Quote :

:Are you saying,: asked Heroman, :that you want me to mate with you?:

Joey nodded as she then touched the symbol. Instantly, a bright glow appeared from Heroman's pelvis for a moment, then it faded away, which revealed a boner.

A magic boner.

Quote :

Without hesitation, Heroman climbed onto her bed to the point where he was on top of her before gently laying her down. Then, Heroman started kissing her again as he carefully spread her legs and touched her entrance. After a while, Heroman positioned his boner so that it was at Joey's entrance.

Clearly the author just learned about the word "boner".

Quote :

He eventually pushed his way inside as he continued to kiss her. Suddenly, Joey gave out a loud cry as if she was in pain.

:Joey!: exclaimed Heroman, :Are you all right?:

Oh boy, v-card tropes!

Quote :

Joey didn't say anything, so Heroman gently touched Joey's entrance while she was still penetrated and examined his hand carefully. There was blood on his finger, so he attempted to remove it.
"NO, DON'T PULL IT OUT!"

Christ, it's not like he's going to pull an arrow shaft out of an open wound or anything. Calm the fuck down. Unless you were trying to imply something like that. Then in that case, whoo hot. B|

Quote :

"Heroman," answered Joey, "it always hurts when a girl makes love for the first time. But the pain will go away, I promise."

Relieved by what Joey just said, Heroman leaned in and continued to kiss her. After a while, Joey started to move her hips slightly.

:Joey,: asked Heroman, :what are you doing?:

"It doesn't hurt anymore, Heroman," answered Joey, "also, lovers do this to strengthen their bond, but you can take over if it pleases you."

"You may ravage me now, love slave."

Quote :

Upon hearing this, Heroman started thrusting himself inside her a little slowly. In response, Joey softly moaned to the pleasure that was being generated during the experience. As the experience progressed, she softly cried to Heroman as if she wanted more of it, so he gradually sped up, carefully trying to avoid causing harm. After a few minutes, Heroman groaned as if he was about to overload. At the same time, Joey was almost at orgasm, so she cried a little louder in reaction. Within moments, Joey shouted Heroman's name as he unloaded inside her. They both cried out as orgasm hit both of them. After a minute has passed, Heroman removed his boner and it eventually vanished. Meanwhile, he laid
down beside Joey and pulled a blanket over both of them.

That was like reading the cooking directions on the back of a box of Uncle Ben's.

And then the obligatory chapter ending:

Quote :

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

--

There are more chapters, and they all beg to be posted, so I'll be doing that in subsequent replies.

fapfapfap wrote:

Quote :

:Are you saying,: asked Heroman, :that you want me to mate with you?:

Joey nodded as she then touched the symbol. Instantly, a bright glow appeared from Heroman's pelvis for a moment, then it faded away, which revealed a boner.

A magic boner.

This killed me. Great snark! I don't know anything about this series, but from what you've detailed, this is all sorts of messed up.

The way the whole thing happens and what's discussed is just super awkward and creepy.

Ikea Sex at it's finest (insert boner A into slot B, thrust vigorously till simultaneous orgasm occurs, bask in afterglow).

I also know nothing about the fandom, but given that it seems to be based around a super hero figure who magically comes to life, we now have a lot more details about the author's fantasies than I'm comfortable knowing.

OH MY GOD I HAD A SNARK WRITTEN UP FOR THIS FIC AND EVERYTHING A FEW MONTHS AGO BUT I WAS AFRAID IT BROKE THE ONE RULE AND CHICKENED OUT

Now, I actually enjoyed Heroman quite a bit (it gets better! Really!), but this fic makes me want to pop my eyes out with a spoon and dunk them in boiling hydrochloric acid. The kicker for me, though, is that sticky!sex terminology from the Transformers fandom is used for the sex scenes in this godforsaken fic (and might I say how odd it is that the common term for a robo!vage is used to relate to the HUMAN'S privates in this fic?).

I mean, WWWHHHHHYYYYYYYY?!

:: headdesks repeatedly while trying to get the images of Heroman's detachable robo!penis out of her head::

Hadiya Tannous wrote:

OH MY GOD I HAD A SNARK WRITTEN UP FOR THIS FIC AND EVERYTHING A FEW MONTHS AGO BUT I WAS AFRAID IT BROKE THE ONE RULE AND CHICKENED OUT

Now, I actually enjoyed Heroman quite a bit (it gets better! Really!), but this fic makes me want to pop my eyes out with a spoon and dunk them in boiling hydrochloric acid. The kicker for me, though, is that sticky!sex terminology from the Transformers fandom is used for the sex scenes in this godforsaken fic (and might I say how odd it is that the common term for a robo!vage is used to relate to the HUMAN'S privates in this fic?).

I mean, WWWHHHHHYYYYYYYY?!

:: headdesks repeatedly while trying to get the images of Heroman's detachable robo!penis out of her head::

HAHAHA NOOOOO! Yeah you can totally tell this is probably a casual Transfan and oh god I found her DA:

Spoiler:

Would you like to snark some? We can snark in tandem!

As for the show, I'm totally gonna have to take your word for it because all motivation I had for watching it went out the window. Also, busy getting through J-Decker now. :B

Oh my god, that picture! Those boobs! The way her legs look cut off! The whole thing is worse then the story I think.

bleachedblackcat wrote:

Oh my god, that picture! Those boobs! The way her legs look cut off! The whole thing is worse then the story I think.

I have never seen boobs that tiny that somehow manage to sag. THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE!

The cut-off legs reminds me of how some artists draw chibis. It works with chibis because they're supposed to be caricatures. I don't think the author intended that there.

I can see how you'd be worried about the One Rule. How old is that girl supposed to be? Even with the boobs, she doesn't look a day over 11 or 12.

I'm not sure weather the main characters in Heroman are in late middle school or high school, so I decided I would be better safe than sorry when it came to snarking this fic. However, I can assure you that Joey Jones, despite the ambiguity about his age, is not a creepily-deformed twelve year old who has Transformers!sticky!sex with a giant robot that's three times his size.

...I think I just lost a bit of my soul typing that last phrase.

Hadiya Tannous wrote:

I'm not sure weather the main characters in Heroman are in late middle school or high school, so I decided I would be better safe than sorry when it came to snarking this fic. However, I can assure you that Joey Jones, despite the ambiguity about his age, is not a creepily-deformed twelve year old who has Transformers!sticky!sex with a giant robot that's three times his size.

...I think I just lost a bit of my soul typing that last phrase.

It’s alright. We have crates of souls next to the weeping corner.

Okay, here's snark for the next few chapters.

Quote :

I'm continuing this Heroman/Joey Jones fic. Some parts of this story is inspired by the film Juno.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

It has been only a few days since Heroman and Joey made love that night. However, Joey has been feeling really queasy, which forced her to rush into the bathroom occasionally. Heroman has been expressing concern for her by placing the palm of his hand on her forehead to check if she is getting an illness. Eventually, Joey called Lina and Psy over.

I guess this is a world where food poisoning doesn't exist. And also a world where morning sickness happens immediately.

Quote :

"What's the matter, Joey?" asked Psy.

"I really don't know," replied Joey, "but it's been a few days since the sex and I've been puking a lot lately."

THE SEX

Quote :

"Maybe you're getting sick?" guessed Lina.

"No," retorted Joey, "I'm not sick! Heroman proved so a long while ago."

"Ok," said Psy, "but is it possible that you could've had a big meal?"

"Not that one, either." muttered Joey.

Hm, what else could it possibly be? Oh! I've got it! Maybe your tummy places are allergic reacting to the tampons!? No? Well, then there's clearly only one other thing this could be..

Quote :

"I think I got it," said Lina, "I remember that you could be sick for other reasons such as expecting a baby."

I donno about you, but "pregnancy" is totally third on my list of reasons why someone has an upset stomach too.

Quote :

Eventually, Joey, Lina and Psy went out to a store to purchase a pregnancy test. After they made the purchase, Lina advised Joey to drink a lot of fruit juice then use the restroom. Eventually, Joey managed to release a sample of her excretions on the pad of the device in the restroom.

Does this really need snarking?

Quote :

"Well, Joey," said Psy, "what does it say?"

"It hasn't seasoned yet." replied Joey.

After a minute, the result came in.

Pregnant.

Joey couldn't believe what she saw. She eventually went on to shake it, hoping that the results would wear off, but it didn't work.

"That ain't no etcha sketch," remarked Psy, "this is one doodle that can't be undid, home skillet."

HOME SKILLET. That sounds suspiciously like a result she got out of some "black people terms of endearment" generator.

Quote :

"WHY?"

"It's ok, Joey!" said Lina, "it's not that bad."

"Not that bad?" asked Joey, "Are you saying that crossbreeding with a robot is not that bad?"

"Well," replied Lina, "we didn't know that conceiving with a robot is possible, but now we have some proof."

"Me neither," complained Joey, "but do you not even realize what everyone else will think if they found out about this? Like Professor Denton, Ms. Collins, Mr. Hughes, Holly, my parents, Will, even Heroman himself!"

I love how his/her parents are such an afterthought in this entire fanfic.

Quote :

"Sadly," said Psy, "we're going to have to spread the word."

"Psy's right," said Lina, "you can't really hide this for long."

"Why not?" asked Joey.

"Soon," replied Lina, "you'll get huge and your chest will mutate, and then you would have to tell everyone about it."

Mutate? As in... evolve? Like going from a Doduo chest to a Dodrio? Will they sprout teeth and little hands and demand to be fed? I don't like the sound of this pregnancy thing.

Quote :

Joey managed to save her pregnancy test for Heroman that evening. As she got home, she activated her gauntlet and summoned Heroman to his full form. She is now anticipating a big revelation that will soon take place.

"Heroman," said Joey, "I have something really important to tell you."

:Seriously?: asked Heroman, :Does this have to do with that night?:

Seriously?

Also, I love the whole going back and forth between past and present tense at the drop of a hat.

Chapter ends with dull surprise, moving on...

Man, I love this first sentence. It really conveys the emotions of the characters; anxiety, concern, fear. It anchors us in Joey's world and makes the reader believe that he/she really did get knocked up by a toy. The author, who clearly is from the area, has an incredible sense of place, and invites us into the rich environment with her masterful wordsmithery:

Quote :

A couple days later, Mr. Hughes, Holly, Professor Denton, Vera Collins, Will, Hilly, and her parents were all looking at Joey as they sat in a secluded area somewhere in Los Angeles.

Joey breaks the BIG NEWS and is met with more dull surprise.

Quote :

"Wait," replied Hughes, "I thought robots were incapable of reproducing."

"I thought so too," replied Joey, "but I guess Heroman is not an ordinary robot."

"But seriously," asked Will, "you had sex with a robot? I'm not impressed."

We are all dissapoint, Will.

Quote :

"Yeah," replied Joey, "but weren't you even impressed when I told you that I was a girl?"

"I guess," said Will, "I thought you were a boy by the look of it, but then maybe I should stop judging books by their cover."

I see what the author did there!

Next there's some weak mention of the possibility of abortion, but some guy is all "But wait! Think of the science!" and they sort of lazily agree with him. Joey's parents come to the realization that this is their grandkidthing.

Quote :

"In that case," said Hilly, "we should make arrangements for a baby shower."

"Baby shower?" asked Will.

"And," added Denton, "we should take care of the basic needs. Prenatal vitamins, doctor's appointments, and we should find out how we're going to raise the hybrid."

"Hybrid?" asked Collins.

"You see," answered Denton, "when Joey bred with Heroman, genes of a human mixed with those of a robot. Therefore, we have ourselves an Earthmade hybrid!"

"Earthmade hybrid?" asked Psy.

"Well," replied Denton, "sometimes during alien abductions according to my research, aliens try crossbreeding with humans to create hybrids. Heroman is one good example of crossbreeding, except he's not an alien."

SOLID SCIENCE WAS NEVER SOLIDER

Quote :

"On the other hand," said Lina, "we should pick out names for the baby. Besides, I'm looking forward to see this new baby."

We're all look forwarding to it with you, Lina.

One internet says that this is a troll and she gives birth to a toaster.

Braigwen wrote:

One internet says that this is a troll and she gives birth to a toaster.

That would actually be awesome, but I get the impression the author is serious about this. Kind've like Harley wondering what it would be like to have sex with a Transformer.

God help us all.

Ha! That poster is fantastic.

fapfapfap wrote:

Quote :

I'm continuing this Heroman/Joey Jones fic. Some parts of this story is inspired by the film Juno[...]
"It hasn't seasoned yet." replied Joey.

After a minute, the result came in.

Pregnant.

Joey couldn't believe what she saw. She eventually went on to shake it, hoping that the results would wear off, but it didn't work.

"That ain't no etcha sketch," remarked Psy, "this is one doodle that can't be undid, home skillet."

HOME SKILLET. That sounds suspiciously like a result she got out of some "black people terms of endearment" generator.

Here, 'inspired by' means ripped off verbatim. Dwight K. Schrute, the snarky neighbourhood pharmacist, says this to Juno about her pregnancy test. Maybe the 'seasoned' line is from Juno too, Idk, it's been a while.

Quote :

Quote :

"I think I got it," said Lina, "I remember that you could be sick for other reasons such as expecting a baby."

I donno about you, but "pregnancy" is totally third on my list of reasons why someone has an upset stomach too.

What I don't understand is that, if she's as fertile as they seem to think (why does gender-bending always increase as opposed to eliminate fertility? off to ask the Avatar), they don't consider cramps due to a period before pregnancy. Isn't she still getting used to femalehood and not particularly aware of cramps?

Quote :

Eventually, Joey, Lina and Psy went out to a store to purchase a pregnancy test. After they made the purchase, Lina advised Joey to drink a lot of fruit juice

The juice thing is also ripped off from the opening scene of Juno... and yeah, this is a movie I saw once, years ago, so overall some pretty blatant 'inspiration' if it can be linked back that easily.

I am too much of a science person to be capable of addressing the hybrid business or 'robot genes' without exploding.

GAHAHHAHA. I have no clue whatsoever as to what the anime is about, but this snark is absolutely hilarious. I laughed so hard I got a stomach cramp.

Props to you for yanking a lurker out of the lounge, homeskillet.

Oh...it's THAT kind of gauntlet. The boring kind!
*wears Zeus Gauntlet*