Alright, Why God Whyers, finally! The suspense is OVER! This is the
last chapter of Rain!
Yes, insert fanfare here. I think my brain has recovered enough to go over the very last of the book. We're on page 83 of 100, woooooo! We will start, as always, with the chapter picture:
- Spoiler:
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Yes. Yes, "Butterfly" the "innocent" is fucking a helicopter blade in that. Or, as a friend of mine said, "Wait... are we sure that is a cape, and not some pool of psychedlic colored blood and entrails splilling out after she has been cleft in twain while trying to get it on with a helicopter?" I think... I think... I'm very glad this is the last chapter of the book. With an image like that right away, one can't help but to think of the torture contained therein. Let's go and check it out!
- Quote :
- Clive methodically arranges the bombs onto the machines with Michael, while Sam watches the door.
The very first sentence, and my mind is already in the gutter. "Bombs". Yes, arrange those "bombs". It's all because of the ginormous Butterfly getting it on with a helicopter. I'm not going to be able to look at this without a pervy thought. Damn you, Ami Blackwelder, damn you!
- Quote :
- Small glass windows sit on each door in the building, making detection easier. They stay low to the ground as they move around the room.
Window: *waves* Hey guys! Don't mind us here! We'll help you detect the enemies and keep an eye out!
Going all the way back to chapter one, why are all of her objects in this book anthromorphic? They aren't inanimate, they are all written as being alive! This must be one helluva creepy world. Like
Beauty and the Beast... except dumb. It's nice of them to stay out of eye level though. If they walked around where we could see them, it would be terribly distracting.
The windows aren't the only ones getting some action here.
- Quote :
- Rain's feet click against the steel stairwell as it wraps around each floor.
"Quit walking on me! I'm doing a job here! G'wan! Get outta here!"
- Quote :
- The sounds of Razor's boots hit the floor...
Jeez, even sound is becoming animate in this book!
- Quote :
- ...and reverberate in Rain's ears.
Bow chicka bow bow.
- Quote :
- She follows the sounds like a predator intent on killing its prey.
And was surprised to find Chris Hanson at the top of the stairs. "Rain? Would you have a seat here, please...."
Seriously, what else do predators do with their prey if they are following it? Play nicely with them? Sing them songs?
So, Rain reaches the fifth floor of the place where DA R4Z0RB0RG is waiting for her! GASP! So, instead of attacking right away, she turns to Victoria, who climbed up the stairs with her evidently, and says... ~~DRAMATIC DIALOGUE INCOMING~~
- Quote :
- 'This is it,' she says.
'Yes.'
'This is what we came for.'
"Bitch, I already said YES."
They step into the room, which if we remember from the previous chapter has no individual rooms, just the one large one on the top fifth floor. The stairs end at the fifth... so how can they see DA R4Z0RB0RG and he not see them? Who knows! I certainly don't.
- Quote :
- Rain moves up the steps and into the room where her first step is detected by Razor. His head turns violently.
And snaps his own neck, thus putting him out of his, and our, misery.
- Quote :
- His dark black eyes peer into hers like she is a ragdoll.
I... what? Isn't black already, you know, a dark color? And does he have a seething hatred for dolls? Not that I can blame him. They are creepy.
- Quote :
- He lifts his gun and begins to fire.
...
WHY DOES A GEW HAVE A WEAPON?! Isn't he a "genetically engineered biological weapon" too? Where are his shin broadswords??
- Quote :
- Rain's hidden weapons rip out of her arms and legs before she even will its. Each bullet is blocked with her blades, clink clink clink. The bullets fall to the ground.
So, Rain's blades prematurely ejaculate out of her arms and legs, and don't just
deflect the bullets, no no no. They
stop all of the bullet's momentum. Newton would be spinning in his grave in an equal and opposite reaction to this stupidity.
- Quote :
- Like any good machine, Razor adapts. He rests his gun back in its holster and his feet pound as he strides across the room.
"Aw, poor bangy. You sleepzors now. DA R4Z0RB0RG will sing you a song now..."
- Quote :
- Razor propels himself like a bullet and is hit by one of her blades as he leaps into her, knocking them both over onto the tiled floor.
Yeah, didn't work for your bullets, Raz-man, probably wasn't going to work for you either being a bit, you know, larger.
- Quote :
- Razor's left arm bleeds, but this machine, this monster, doesn't flinch nor wince. There is no pain for a machine to feel. Razor grabs Rain by the legs with his sturdy arms and drags her toward him. Both of their bodies lie on the floor and Rain grapples forward with her hands, clawing at the tile to pull herself away from Razor.
Tremble in awe, mere mortals, as Ami describes this HORRIFIC fight scene to us!!! I think I've read accounts of pruning vegetables that were more exciting than this.
The couple of schumucks with Rain, Johnathan and Victoria, sort of just wait by the stairs, hoping to help Rain but not seeing an opportunity to. And she told them to STICK TO DA PLAN! Which, the plan must be watching Rain get her ass kicked. Check. Razor finally gets his arms around Rain, and... oh, let me quote...
- Quote :
- He wraps his arms around her, but instead of the warmth she feels from Clive, it is a stronghold, an attempt to strangle her.
It's a castle? Holy damn! DA R4Z0RB0RG is huge!
- Quote :
- His arms hold tight around her waist and then make their way up to her chest and over her neck. Both their bodies flap around on the floor. Rain for life. Razor for death.
I have this image of them flopping around like fish out of water and people taking bets on which one dies first. Not funny, but that's just what this writing evokes in me, the images... just sheer weirdness.
So, finally, as 'the air in Rain's lungs vanishes', Johnathan decides 'That's the signal!' and throws a grenade at a wall. A far wall. In a room which is as big as the building... no interior rooms. Yeeeah. Maybe he had a grenade launcher. Anyway, Razor LEAPS UP and lets go of Rain (so she doesn't die, dammit!) and scans the room with his 'robotic eyes'. It takes him a while to find the stairwell, obvious, which is the only entrance or exit in this large room. Something tells me Ami was just pulling shit out of her ass when she wrote this. I don't know how I got that feeling though....
- Quote :
- Clunk clunk, his boots hit the floor as he moves toward Johnathan. Rain breathes heavily and then springs to her feet. Her grey purple hair twists behind her as she leaps forward onto Razor.
"YEE HAW!!! Giddyup!"
- Quote :
- Pushing her wrist blades into his back, Razor plummets to the ground face first.
Did DA R4Z0RB0RG just have a surprise gender change operation in there somewhere?
- Quote :
- Rain digs her blades into his spine. The sound of wires and electric boards short circuting tell Rain she has hit a major organ.
Ok, so after short circuiting DA R4Z0RB0RG, "da plan" gets implemented. What is the big plan? It's Victoria running across the room and picking up Butterfly. That's it. Then, they leave. I'm astounded by their planning and ahead-looking-power! DA R4Z0RB0RG doesn't like that.
- Quote :
- He moves toward the stairwell, toward Butterfly. Rain reaches to his leg and grips it tightly. Her hold is as strong as the steel that binds the building.
The building is into a little rope-play, huh? Bow chicka wow wow.
The two soldiers race (with Butterfly, I'm assuming?) down the stairs and towards the sound of gunfire. Brilliant plan!
- Quote :
- Jonathan takes the lead, protecting Butterfly and fires his rifle into the backs of a few of the guards. One, two, three, they fall dead.
One, two, three dead guards, mu-ha-ha-ha!
- Quote :
- But three more remain and turn to confront Johnathan. They retreat into another room to the left and seal the doo, knocking out the window for their guns.
Oooooh, scary guards! "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" Not exactly "confronting" them, is it?
So, Clive and Michael come in, and join up with Johnathan and some other dude (wtf? Where'd he come from?) and they go to ambush the guards who barricaded themselves into the room. Why they didn't just leave with their objective, I don't know, but those guards must need to be killed something fierce!
- Quote :
- Like stealth trained soldiers...
Because they totally weren't.
- Quote :
- ...they surround the room staying close to the floor.
Like snakes!
- Quote :
- Sam and Michael cross the door and head to the left side. Clive and Johnathan hold their position on the right side. Clive nods his head in silent conversation to Sam and micahel who have fought with him through years of battles.
Morse head-nodding. Check.
- Quote :
- Clive fires at the floor...
Buh?
- Quote :
- ...and the guard responds with quick returning fire. The few seconds after the fire ends, Sam stands and shoots through the window.
And the point of firing at the floor initially was what again?
- Quote :
- His shot hits one of the guards and a shot fires from his weapon. The bullet penetrates Sam's shoulder blade and he falls to the ground. -Ugh.
It's written
exactly like that in the book. Why the -Ugh? I don't know. I think if I got shot I'd be saying something more like, "HOLY FUCKING FUCK!" or screaming or something. Not just "Ugh". We don't even know if that was dialogue! It could have been the author looking at what she vomited up on page and mentally sighing at herself for how bad it is, and accidentally typed it out.
- Quote :
- Clive shouts and signals everyone to move backward. When the distance is safe, Jonathan rolls one of his grenades by the door and they wait.
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! If they were
right underneath the window, why didn't they pull the pin of a grenade and toss it inside the small window, where the guards couldn't see them?!
*Max resists the urge to throw her computer across the room.*
*But barely.*
Holy Christ, I
still have twelve pages left?
- Quote :
- The explosion of the grenade...
Cause grenades do so many things other than explode. Had to clear that up for you, audience!
- Quote :
- ...knocks the steel doo down over one of the guards. The remaining guard stands at the far wall with his hands over his head.
He didn't... he just gave up? Jeez, what wimpy guards. And where are the other guards?! If this is a
high security building, don't you think the noise of the firefight would have brought others here by now? But no... that one solitary guard is captured, and Clive orders him to be taken to head quarters. Yeah... small strike team... taking prisoners... when they are fleeing a huge government and don't have a permanent base... oh, I give up trying to make sense of this.
At this point, Clive realizes, 'Hey, where's my honey-bunny?' So, he asks about her. Rain was left upstairs with DA R4Z0RB0RG, and so Clive goes racing up those five flights of stairs to find her.
- Quote :
- As he rushes into the room, he sees Rain against the wall, pinned by Razor's body. Her long silver blades protrude out of his back, an obvious thrust through his chest, but his body is motionless.
So, why can't she push him over? NEVER SAID. Nope. He's dead, but she's TRAPPEDZORED!!!
Clive all boo-hoos and is like "I can't leave you" and she's like "Dude, you have to" and he's like "Why?" and she's like "Because the author doesn't know how to create a dramatic situation if her life depended on it, so she's abandoning the main character to a stupid death in hopes of raising sympathy and leaving an emotional impression upon a person even though this death is completely redundant and avoidable. Sorry, honey-cakes." Well, actually, what she says is this:
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- 'You must. There is no freeing me and this machine has to be destroyed. There can be no trace of the biological weapon for others.
Hey, what about that other GEW they're loading down into the helicopter? You know, Butterfly? Shouldn't we get rid of her too?
- Quote :
- As Rain finishes her words, Clive tries to push with his feeble hands the weight of Razor off of Rain. But his strength is not enough against a machine, and each attempt only renders Clive more frustrated.
Yeah, ever heard of a crowbar? And god, you guys might shoot me for this, but I imagine a limp-wristed Clive slapping at DA R4Z0RB0RG's corpse in an effeminate manner, punctuated with cute little 'Unf!"s. I know, I know, that's terribly stereotypical, but... yeah. It, this book evokes a lot of bad and weird images in me.
So, Clive says he's not leaving her again, and she's all like, you have to.
- Quote :
- Save the girl. Save Butterfly. She is the next weapon to keep the new world safe.
Yeah! Save that EVIL BIOLOGICAL WEAPON I told you all to destroy. Oh, I'm sorry, because she's a beautiful delicate FLOWAH of a woman, she's good. DA R4Z0RB0RG was evil because he was a huge, hulking man. Yup. What about programming? What if, for instance, DA BUTT-ERFLY was a cyborg like DA R4Z0RB0RG and was programmed to kill all humans? Does that even occur to them? Nope.
They tearfully part ways.
- Quote :
- 'I love you,' Clive says. His words sit on her mind like they never have before...
Farting all the while.
So, she says she loves him too, and they kiss, and she's all pushing him away. Hey, Clive? NO MEANS NO! Jeez. Who cares if she's dying, right? Going to get that last smoochies in, no matter what! And then he leaves. People ask about her, and ... well, read for yourself.
- Quote :
- 'She won't be coming,' he says with a certain sadness.
'The female orgasm really is a myth.'
- Quote :
- 'I'm sorry,' Michael says and places his hand over Clive's Shoulder.
"I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!"
The helicopter takes off, and Clive muses on Rain wanting freedom and now she has it, blah blah blah, but then he looks at Butterfly!
- Quote :
- He glances at Butterfly and her eyes flitter open and shut and then she opens her golden irises and grins at the sight of Clive with a confused expression upon her face.
*Max's jaw drops.*
WOW. She saved perhaps the WORST line for last! I mean, damn, where are the commas?! And how do you open your irises? And golden?
Really? And she's grinning at Clive but has a confused expression on her face?
*Max's head explodes*
- Quote :
- 'Where am I?'
'Heading home, Butterfly, heading home.'
"I don't know you. I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!"
Seriously, they completely kidnapped her, and the book, mercifully, ends. On a happy note. I think? I'm not sure. I will say I'm very happy the Nook reader I have for the PC is a bit warped when it comes to counting pages and stuff, putting more than one page on display at once, so when I thought I had twelve pages left, I had like... four. Hehe.
This is getting too long... there's the snark, I'll do a summation in the next couple of days.