"Rain" by Ami Blackwelder

Alright, the actual review now, or at least the first chapter of this review.

Rain is a "graphic novella" by Ami Blackwelder. As best as I can figure, she is self-publishing all of her own books which isn't necessarily a bad thing. However, when I look up "Eloquent Enraptures Publishing", I get a lot of sites where this "publishing house" is listed... and all those sites lead back to her own personal sites, including Twitter. I'm almost tempted to follow her on Twitter.

Anyway, as we open our e-book, this is the first two pages we are treated to. The first 'page' features the picture on the cover, which is our protagonist, Rain. Spoilered for size.

Spoiler:

Another thing I would like to point out is that this book has a real ISBN number. For those who don't know, ISBN numbers are used to track books for selling... they're like UPC codes for books. You have to register the book and pay money to get an ISBN number. The smallest amount I could find was $125.00 American. In other words, she spent one hundred and twenty-five dollars to buy legitimacy for her book. Also, HAHA at the no-reproducing thing on there. I get why it has to be on there--you have to protect your work--but it still gave me lots of lulz.

Ok, but the first page we get a couple pieces of information. The year is 2120, and "Rain" is A GEBW... er, Genetically Engineered Biological Weapon. Wait. That's redundant. I mean, if you can genetically engineer it, it is by default biological! Acronym FAIL. We'll call Rain a GEW then.

Page 2 doesn't offer much. The you can't copy this, printed by her *snerk* publishing company, other books... owait. It's dedicated to the readers of fantasy and comics. Alright, well, I like both... maybe it won't be horrible. I am looking forward to this "graphic novella" and all the lulzy art.

Page 4 has the final bits of credit (other books published by her) and a picture for Chapter One: Getting In. This picture is below:

Spoiler:

Wow. This is so professional already. I can tell. Those scribbles? Those are intentional. They are meant to represent the breaking apart of the world, designating them as 'unreal', with Rain the GEW being the only "real" thing. Yeah. That's... uhm. WTF is that thing in the front? Is it an owl? I bet it's an owl. OH. I bet it's a MUTANT owl! An Owl GEW! And awright, it's time to get this graphic novella started!

Page 6 and 7... have prose. Uhm. Wat. This is supposed to be a graphic novel! WTF man! I feel cheated! I WANTED LULZY PICTURES! Alas, we have no luck. This is NOT a graphic novella, but rather a novella with a few pictures. Hoo-ray. Eh, it makes it easier to review I guess. If I had to point out all the badness of each picture, I would have gone into snark overload.

The first line is "The Darkness Begins..." even before the chapter heading. So, is that chapter called that? No, it's called 'Getting In'. Awesome. So the Darkness Begins by Getting In.

Ok, so the REAL first line is, "Her eyes open, but there is no light." Hur hur hur. Yeah, that's a loaded statement. And I'm not quite sure what is going on here either. It sounds very ominous, but instead of being scared, I'm mystified by all these objects which move by themselves. Let me give you a sample of what I'm talking about:

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Thump, the box bounces up and down over the carpeted cargo floor.

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Thump, the box bounces up and back down on the floor again.

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Aircraft doors crank open and thick jackboots hit the aircraft floor as they march, pound, pound, towards the box.

The only thing that I can get is that her and Thump the box are in an aircraft, with carpeted cargo holds. Who in the FUCK carpets a cargo plane? I know it's the future... maybe there's a carpet surplus? "Boots pass her and return". Jesus, this whole place is filled with animate objects! I'd be scared... I mean, it feels like the Flintstones with all their animal servants doing the dishes or whatever, right? Except it's... oh, maybe it's like Beauty and the Beast?

Anyway, there's some talking about someone protesting taking the boxes (No! Thump!), and someone else saying "You're damn right we can. YOU'RE ON AMERICAN SOIL NOW." Emphasis mine. Evidently, this carpeted cargo plane is from the Ukraine, and flew to America... and some jackboots are being dickheads about it, having a prejudice against boxes. You all with me?

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‘We will take all of the cargo and search them until we have uncovered all suspicious materials.’ The hard boots thump toward her and drag the box out of the aircraft cargo shaft.
‘This one is not too heavy.’ The military American Guard pulls off the delicate label and yanks out his double sided knife. He rips off the safety seal with the knife and saws into the top. He tears back one side and then the other.

NOOO! THUMP! Thump dies a horrible death there... OH FUCKING WAIT. I get it. Rain's INSIDE the box. Wow, that couldn't be any clearer than limestone. Or granite. I still think those boots are self-animated though, and being worn by the National Guard, check. We're treated to a timetable ('the dusk is ending and the dawn is beginning'; that was one quick night) and Rain the GEW is dragged out of the box. The National Guard says to take her away, and her eyes become 'unnoticeably vigilant'. If it's unnoticeable, who cares? Anyway, she's dragged away to an armored military vehicle, which is a jeep, and is handcuffed. She recites her mantra to herself:

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‘I was born out of the darkness of corruption, the darkness of my lost memories, but I will die bringing light into this world.’ She meditates on these words, the last words she remembers spoken to Hani, a close friend she knew in Ukraine.

So... she didn't even say 'bye' to him? Damn, bitch. That's pretty harsh. And she was born out of the darkness of corruption? Or the darkness of her lost memories? Wait... wait. She meditates on the darkness of her lost memories? I suppose that is nothing, but that is an awfully strange way to say 'nothing'.

Aha! Now we get some backstory. Let me copy that for you, so we're all caught up:

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In the back of the truck she is silent with her clasped hands. The truck bumps over rough terrain and the sounds of explosions are heard in the distance. Nowhere is there a safe refuge. The world is always at war. The world is war.

Greed ruined the capitalism of America in 2050; ineptitude the socialism of Europe in 2060. The crushed spirit of communism ravaged China in 2070. Then the world crumbled. There were no more political parties, no more social–economic constraints. There was only survival and what would be done to obtain it. Corruption fueled survival and every man was out to save himself. For the next 10 years a new world developed and then Rain was born.

Wait. I thought she was in an 'armored vehicle', which if the military (hur hur National Guard) is still like anything today, she'd probably be in the back of an APC if it's an 'armored vehicle', not a truck. If it's the same trucks I'm thinking of... canvas, not really armor. Also, how can the 'crushed spirit' of anything ravage something? Also, when did Europe become a single nation? And also a socialist one? What? The Nazis came back? Or the Bolsheviks? Or the Italian Socialist Party? And if the world crumbled and there were no more political parties, then it would be considered anarchy. Just one word is too hard to say? And wait... 'corruption fueled survival and every man was out for himself'...? Anarchy is evil? Damn. And what new world developed?

After these two paragraphs, she IMMEDIATELY writes 'One side was the American government, another side the Chinese government'. But she just told us there were no more governments... oh, bother. They were 'both corrupt with their solutions to problems'.

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Every country, every government became another side of more corruption. They each traded the government they had for a government that was sure to outlive their enemy. This is the darkness that everyone breathes now. No one is safe; every country is vulnerable.

This is making less and less sense! Every country is vulnerable to WHAT? To the anarchy which already came? To revolutions which already happened?

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But in the midst of all this darkness there are the few who stand up against this new rule. Some are in the East; some are in the West; some are in Europe. They fight not for themselves, but for the future. They are not light in this darkness. At best they are gray. They do what they have to do, they survive. They are the resistance.

Against WHAT new rule? From what it sounds like, it changes every other day, when it's not anarchy, which by definition has no 'rule'. And if some are in the East and some are in the West, and some are in Europe... then the resistance is everywhere? Why can't she just say 'the resistance is stirring everywhere', even though what they resist against changes more often than I change my socks.

Well, enough of this background--we're going back to Rain in the truck. It stops at a grey building with few windows. There, they take her into an elevator, get out at a floor with a private room and thunk her down into a chair. They left, and sealed the door with a 'thick lock'. In the next sentence, they are continuing down the hallway. Uhm. Ok, so the point of locking her in a room if you're just moving her again is what now? They enter a room with a bunch of LCD screens where men sit and 'analyze information', and we meet Scabby. Well, he's described as a 'tall scabby man in a black suit', so I'm calling him Scabby, especially since I picture him as a walking scab in a suit.

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Rain’s eyes widen. Shoulders roll backward. The room is covered in white walls and one gray bolted shut door. She grins.
‘What did you find?’ says the man in the black suit. ‘Did you recover the biological weapon?’
Rain lifts her lanky arms away from her back.
‘We searched everywhere, sir, but we did not find anything that resembled a weapon. We confiscated a few boxes that could pose a threat and inside one was… a woman.’
Closing her eyes, two silver blades protrude out from underneath her wrists. ‘A woman? Where?’ His voice grows desperate.
‘She is in the holding cell on this floor.’
‘Alone?
‘Yes.’

"Do you think she'll go out with me?"

I finally get that they locked Rain up and then went to talk to Scabby, but there are no transitions whatsoever; it's just all meshed together like you should read it altogether. There's no separation of scenes, so you get a confused mess. This... I was holding out hope for some bit of goodness, but this is sloppy, lazy writing. It leaves the target audience confused as to what's going on, and doesn't really describe accurately what's happening. If Rain is handcuffed, her hands should be behind her. That's how most people view a handcuffing. If they are not, the writer needs to tell us so, because when she raises her lanky arms over her head, I'm imagining bad contortions.

Thank god, we are done with these pages, and there are only 2 more pages left to this chapter.

The next sentence is from Raine's POV:

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The blades thicken and Rain pulls up her arms. Her silver blades pierce the handcuffs, slicing each one open.

Ok... ok. Assuming that she was cuffed with her hands in front, she's already got her arms up. Yet, she pulls her arms up even more. Is she dislocating her shoulders? And ok, the blades--AHA! That must be those grey things in the pictures... wait, she has blades coming out of her FEET?!--thicken up and slice the metal. ... ok. I don't know of any known metal which can do this, but it's fantasy, so we'll go with Wolverine-lame, as in she had adamantium blades as long as her arms... which come out of her arms... *looks at the pictures again* Uhm. Wat.

Scabby says Rain is the biological weapon, in the Other Scene.

In Rain's scene, she frees her hands from the cuffs and 'raises her arms into the air, like a bird about to take flight.' I don't see where she lowered them, but maybe she did while Scabby was talking. Back to Scabby. Him and the guards race back to the bolted cell, and a guard prepares a 'sedation injection' saying that they 'should be able to sedate her now'. Why couldn't you before? Whatever. She leaps from 'behind the door', which we're going to stop right here. That means the door is an 'innie'... as in it opens to the inside of the room. Why in the name of all that's holy would they have a cell that opens to the INSIDE? That makes absolutely no sense for the reason mentioned above--the prisoner could hide behind the door to jump the guards. Also, she would have to jump out first, and then to the guard, unless she bounced off the wall or something.

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The man in the black suit stands against the wall outside the room, listening carefully to her, hoping he remains unseen. She swings in circles; the air moves rapidly about her and then it grows silent.
‘Rain, I am here. I am here to take you home.’ The voice sounds from outside the room. She stops spinning. The four guards lie dead on the ground.
‘Who are you? How do you know my name?’ she shouts in anger.
‘Calm down, Rain. I am not going to hurt you. This is your home. I am here to help you.’
Rain closes her eyes. She can see Hani’s blue-green eyes and her smile and then the explosion that left her dead as the American trucks pulled away from her in the Ukraine.
‘This is not my home. This place is death and I’m taking it down.’

Where do I start? If he's outside and she's inside and he's against the wall (assuming by the door), then of course he's going to be unseen. That is, unless she can see through walls. The air moves rapidly of its own accord, and it sounds like she was just standing in the middle of the room spinning with her arms outspread like a child going "WHEEEEEEE". If he was here to take her home, and then says it IS her home, isn't she home already? And finally, how can she know this place is death? It sounds more like a temporary holding facility than anything else. Did I miss anything?

Ok, so then she runs out of the room and he cowers by the door against the wall, and she pierces the 'grey walls' (which must be concrete I'm thinking?) on either side of him (so yup, Wolverine clone), and says that he is going to help her take this place down. He's all like, "No, if you go to the 6th room, you will understand everything" and she's like STFU, so he gives her his code numbers. So she walks 'past the 4th, 5th, and 6th rooms to the 7th marked on this floor'. Because they keep their holding areas near their sensitive information. Yes, that makes sense for an evil organization. Or government. I'm not sure which this is anymore other 'than corrupt corrupty-corrupt-corrupt corruptness'. Anyway, she goes inside to get INFORMATION. ("You won't get it!" "By hook or by crook we will!")

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‘Now it is time for all this lying to end.’ She punches in a number she has memorized and accesses the main network. She pulls out her sunglasses from underneath her bra which have byte download capability. She inserts the end of the sunglasses into the machine.

I... I... Uh... I... what?

I mean, SERIOUSLY, what the FUCK.

She's wearing a tight leather outfit with a bra? And she fit sunglasses UNDER her bra? And they have 'byte download capability'. Byte. Not terrabytes or gigabytes, but BYTE. ONE. SINGULAR. And where does she insert the end of the sunglasses into? Where on the frames... what...

Here's the byte she downloaded, answering this question: Does this book suck? Downloaded byte: Y

Anyway, she goes and downloads something and deletes it right away. No, I'm serious.

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‘The world is already ending badly; it needs a new ending.’ She hits deletion. Files cross the screen, an endless amount of information. Each file is deleted one after the other.

...she had to stick her sunglasses in the computer where the sun doesn't shine to delete files? Couldn't she just hit the 'deletion' button?

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‘This is not going to fix anything, Rain. You were made for something special. I made you for a purpose greater than this.’
‘You made me? You made me like this?’ Her face cringes and her body turns to face him. ‘My whole life I thought about what I would do to the man who did this to me, creating a machine, a weapon. Now here you are in front of me and you don’t look anything like I pictured you.'

"I thought you'd be taller. And more Eval."

So he says that if she'll wait, he'll explain everything and what her life means, and she says her life meant Hani in the Ukraine. So, she kills him by thrusting her blades 'out from under her wrist and lengthen. One of the blades pierces between the man's shoulder and heart. Beep, beep, beep.'

Evidently, she hit the vital 'clown nose' organ somewhere in the man's arm, because it sounds like she stabbed him from his side. I... almost wish she had drawn all of this out, epically. Scabby isn't dead yet. He's so mother fucking enamored of his creation, he tells her how to escape before he dies. I hope he dies. I want Thump the box back. Thump was an innocent! Oh, he's not dead. He's just unconscious. I guess being hit in the clown nose isn't a fatal injury.

An alarm is going off. How did it go off, I don't know. It never says. It was just sounded somehow. She rushes out of the room to go find an air vent or something that Scabby told her to escape through. There are a couple soldiers there. Whoops, bye bye, National Guard.

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Two robust soldiers race after her. She spins, propelling two blades from her shins. The blades lengthen as she kicks upward. The two men fall to the ground and her blades retract.

Ok, 'propelling' in this case doesn't mean exactly what the author thinks it means. I imagine two HUGE SILVERY BLADES FLYING OUT OF HER FEET as she highkicks with both feet (How? Who cares? It's awesome, right?) and impaling the guys to the wall. And then they magically slip into her shins again. Most Awkward Weapon. EVER.

Rain enters ROOM 6 (which we would probably care if this was like at the end of the book and the Big Reveal, but it's Chapter One, so who gives a fuck?) and downloads sensitive information with her 'electrically sensitive glassware'. Is she carrying around like a pitcher and some glasses now? *scratches head* Two more soldiers burst into the room and one manages to fire a taser. Oh, he manages to PULL OUT, then fire his taser. Why wasn't that bad boy pulled out to begin with?! Oh, he's showing his taser gun. Hm. Still sounds like he's pulling it out somewhere, or like he had it hidden, like he was luring out a kitty cat to taze it evilly later. "Here Rainy Rainy Rainy... that's a good girl... *ZAP*"

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Two more soldiers make entrance into the corridor and chase her. One shows his taser gun and fires. She jumps instinctively to the ceiling like a cat. Her hand blades pierce the soft wall and she dangles with her feet blades angled at the two men. They fall dead.

"Crap! It's the protagonist!" *dies* What did she do? Wave her shin-katanas at them? Wiggle her butt? Flash 'em? WE DON'T KNOW. It never says. They just fall over dead like good little soldiers. And how is she clinging to the ceiling exactly? And how tall is this ceiling? Most are about 7' tall or so. My ceilings are 8' in my apartment, which make for some really high ceilings... but even if it were the higher one which she was dangling from, her feet are lowered. So, she's like... 2 or 3 feet off the ground? What did she do? Kick them in the nuts? The chapter pretty much ends here, with her crawling through the vent to the world outside. Her brilliant escape is given two sentences. Woo.

And... thus endeth the first chapter of "Rain". Completely crazy, y/y?

Foot blades. Foot blades, that slide out from the shin. *headscratch* I'm trying to picture that, and I just . . . can't. At least Wolverine's claws don't actively inhibit his ability to walk. Does she point her foot and let them slide out between her toes, like a foot version of Wolvie? Is this a weapon that only works when she's en pointe?

Oh, wait. According to the illustration, they shoot straight out, parallel to the ground. Where is she keeping them? Are they stored in her shins and fold outwards? This is gonna bug me all day.

Honestly, I think that one detail sums up the whole business. Sounds cool in theory, but the execution is shoddy and the author definitely didn't pay attention to actually making it believable or realistic.

Great beginning to what looks to be an epic snark, Max! RIP Thump.

You actually bought it. You are awesome. A thousand internets to you.
This is completely mad, I don't think even the author understands what their story is supposed to be about. And is all of chapter one really just prose? I think someone doesn't understand the meaning of 'graphic novel'.

At the risk of sounding repetitious...

KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Picture book =/= Graphic Novel, Ami... (Oh, sorry, Novella)

Jeez, I expected this to be bad, but not this bad! It's unsalvageable!

Fucking LOL at Rain the GEW, From now on I'm picturing her running around in a bekishe.

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If Rain is handcuffed, her hands should be behind her. That's how most people view a handcuffing. If they are not, the writer needs to tell us so, because when she raises her lanky arms over her head, I'm imagining bad contortions.

[...]

Ok... ok. Assuming that she was cuffed with her hands in front, she's already got her arms up. Yet, she pulls her arms up even more. Is she dislocating her shoulders?

I think what she's trying to describe, is something like this:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Remember, you've got a character based off Dark Angel, using some retarded variation of Wolverines Claws, it's highly doubtful that there's anything original in this work.

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‘Now it is time for all this lying to end.’ She punches in a number she has memorized and accesses the main network. She pulls out her sunglasses from underneath her bra which have byte download capability. She inserts the end of the sunglasses into the machine.

I... I... Uh... I... what?

I mean, SERIOUSLY, what the FUCK.

She's wearing a tight leather outfit with a bra? And she fit sunglasses UNDER her bra? And they have 'byte download capability'. Byte. Not terrabytes or gigabytes, but BYTE. ONE. SINGULAR. And where does she insert the end of the sunglasses into? Where on the frames... what...

Am I alone in reading that sentence and concluding that it's Rain's bra that has 'Byte Download Capability'? I like this idea more,because it means that Rain genuinely doesn't know what sunglasses are for.

Also, techno-bras are a technological convergence field that hasn't been explored yet. I'm thinking of a bra-version of Marty McFly's jacket from BttF 2.


Looking forward to more of this, Max, you've just made my day!

Tungsten Monk wrote:

Does she point her foot and let them slide out between her toes, like a foot version of Wolvie?

You know that exists, right? Wolvie's clone daughter Talon has a blade in each foot that functions basically like that. It sort of works, even if it is a bit Sue-y.

Rain's huge-ass shin blades... not so much.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Tungsten Monk wrote:

Does she point her foot and let them slide out between her toes, like a foot version of Wolvie?

You know that exists, right? Wolvie's clone daughter Talon has a blade in each foot that functions basically like that. It sort of works, even if it is a bit Sue-y.

Huh, really? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised . . . but then, I'm not caught up enough on Marvel canon to even have known that Wolverine had a clone daughter. It still brings to mind an amusing image of Death Ballet, though. (And I'm sure that exists, too.)

The shin blades, though, are just boggling. What illustrations I've seen (from the book trailer, etc) seem to show them going in all different directions, which means they would have to be stored in a housing in the leg, fold out perpendicular to the limb, and then be capable of rotation. Which implies a flexible joint at the base of each blade, or possibly a set of strong ligaments, and that in turn would undermine the firm setting necessary for effective cutting. Unless the blades are razor-sharp, in which case she'd injure herself every time she unsheathed them.

Or it could just be that it's crappy art and I'm overanalyzing it?

. . . nah.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] , for those wondering what Reep's talking about.

The first chapter isn't even a story. It's like the "writer" just threw together a bunch of paragraphs about edgy-sounding political slogans, dashes of random cyberpunk, and her Sue doing "cool" stuff without any thought as to whether it all fit together or made any sense whatsoever on any level other than "what would be awesome to do next?" It's a stream of consciousness exercise in self-masturbation.

This is a fantastic snark, and a delightfully crap book that I'm glad is being read by someone other than me.

So it's not an actual graphic novel, it's just prose with the occasional (badly drawn) picture sprinkled here and there? In what world does this constitute a 'graphic novel'? (besides the author's?).

And I agree with the WTF on the 'shin blades. It requires not only complete suspension of belief, but also that you forget everything you know about anatomy and how the joints and ligaments work.

Awesome snark thus far, Max. I liked the whole thing with 'Thump' at the beginning, and the Owl Guard. And the carpeted cargo bay. I like to think that the total collapse of civilization left them with an excess of carpet, so not they just go around carpeting random things, like the cargo bays of planes, the Statue of Liberty, and what's left of the Great Wall of China.

I'm seriously pissed this wasn't an actual graphic novel. Talk about a ripoff.

I do love the shinblades, though. Who cares about practicality when we can have something that looks bada- oh wait no it doesn't.

I've always had a problem with the Genetically Engineered Weapon trope. I mean, honestly, if you're going to do that you have to first establish a universe where biotech is way further ahead of robotics than it can conceivably become in this reality. Otherwise why would they not not just make a battle robot like we already do? Has it ever been used well? I mean, it's used all over the place but why?

Woo. Takin' swings at obvious things.

Before we start the second chapter of Rain, I want to pay tribute to a fallen hero... Thump, the box.

Thump was only in my life briefly, yet it touched me deeply with a piercing gaze. I cried when Thump was cruelly stabbed, even though Thump would never stab anyone. I blame those jack-off jackboots for Thump's untimely demise. I have a song to sing....

Stomp Box speak my thought
Vent these voices from the dark
Shout Shout Shout Shout
Scream it out
Blast your missive
Tell the wordless message
Little Stomp Box
Tear it from my heart

Stomp Box, voice of fear
Pour the poison in my ear
Kill Kill Kill Kill
Kill me now
Free the demon
Hear the ceaseless screaming
Little Stomp Box
Tear it from my heart

Stomp Box speak my thought
Vent these voices from the dark
Shout Shout Shout Shout
Scream it out
Blast your missive
Tell the wordless message
Little Stomp Box
Tear it from my heart

Kill Kill Kill Kill
Kill me now
Free the demon
Hear the ceaseless screaming
Little Stomp Box
Tear it from my heart
~"Stomp Box", by They Might Be Giants

We will miss you, Thump.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

*sniffle*

Alright, onto the second chapter of "Rain the GEW". This chapter is called "The World Outside" and our cover picture is below.

Spoiler:

We pick up with Rain's daring two sentence escape from last chapter.

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She runs. Escaping the Scanning Security Building was the easy part. But something went terribly wrong somewhere or everywhere and care for the world and the people in it suffocated from individual gain. Now all outside offers are bombs, gun shots and running. Always running.

Yeah... that's kinda bleak. Ok. I can get behind this, she's running, running, as fast as she can. Except she doesn't know where she is, nor where she's going. But does Rain let that get her down? No! Rain knows that the blasted topography of the world is 'simply the result of too many bombs in an area', that area being the entire world. She can adapt! She's tough.

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To stay in the shadows is her training, in the shade of the sun and of any trees along the way.

*scratches head*

*holds up a hand*

Ok. She's running, and she wants to stay hidden, check. Uhm, but the last time I checked, the sun doesn't cast any shade. That might make things a wee bit difficult to stay hidden in the shade of the sun. Plus, uhm, it's nighttime out? So... the sun isn't even out....

Because the inanity of her running through the desert is... inane... I'm going to skip ahead to where she sees lights. Like, skipping two sentences, max. She sees lights in the desert--hurrah! the author remembered it was nighttime!--and thinks "Oh noez, they could be National Guard!" Then she sees some drunks stumble out and thinks that it must be a bar. Because the military never drinks or have bars on their bases. I would think that the lack of, oh I don't know, guns and armored vehicles would indicate that it's not the National Guard... but NO. She has to wait and see some drunks and go, "Oh, those totally couldn't be officers out having a good time; I must be safe!"

And of course, Rain is so beautiful, that they stare at her (@.@) as they pass.

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Her black leather boots and gray-black suit would be enough to make these men drool, but her purple black wavy hair also compliments her long legs, and they gawk.

Ok, I'm not a beauty expert... but how in the hell would her hair complement her legs? Is she like draping her hair over them? Why wouldn't these guys be staring at her bewbies? That seems the most likely place for guys to stare, especially with a girl wearing a skin tight leather suit, but that's just me.

She goes in and sits down. Rain then orders a 'water, a tequila and beef on a skewer.' I'm not sure how they get tequila on a skewer, but man, sign me up for that! In other words, the author really needs to look into these things called 'commas' and how to use them properly. She is charged "50 credits" which is broken down thusly: 10 for the water, 15 for the skewer, and 25 for the tequila."

Everyone got that? 10+15+25=50? Pretty simple, right?

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‘That’s only forty-five credits,’ Rain questions him.

‘And a five credit tip for my troubles.’

Rain evidently can't add, and then the bartender forget he could too. Either that, or he's making her pay five more credits for being a lippy beyatch. I vote for the second. "Isn't that only 45 credits?" "No stupid, and now it's another 5 for doubting me. So, that's a total of 60." Rain then asks if she can find someplace to crash for the night, and the bartender says, "Yeah, I got a room in the back for 60 quid." Ok. Two problems with this. The most obvious one first is why did the monetary unit switch from credits to quids? And a quid is a British monetary unit... not American. If anything, it should have switched to dollars. Oh, but I forgot to mention that the bartender is English and must have moved to America, but still insists on being paid in British currency to send home to his family, or something. O.o The second is the "HUR HUR HUR, yeah, there's a room in the back" which just scream rape scene to me. However, since it's Rain the GEW, she'll probably end up anally raping the bad guys with her shin-machetes. But yeah. Tip for all you kids out there, don't go into the backroom with the bartender!

So, anyway, Rain saunters into the back without paying (yay for heroes), and then pays the attendant... huh?

Quote :

Darkness without cover is a dangerous time. Lucky to make it to dawn alive. She pays the attendant, enters her room for the night and enjoys a shower before falling asleep on a ripped unfitted mattress. The tequila lets her forget her memories, the ones that keep her up most nights. Six hours of sleep pass before the shack next to her explodes.

Wow. This shack comes with its own room attendant? Is it a hotel? What... why does it have an attendant? I mean, seriously. And holy awesome segue-ways, Batman! She sleeps, and BAM! Explosion! Kinda reminds me of The Golden Compass's BAM! Polar Bear! action. You know, when the action starts going slow... throw in a polar bear to liven things up. They learned it from Lost.

Quote :

Fire burns through the bar and crackles csh, csh.

I'm rather reminded of the Monty Python skit on how to dispose of a dead mother. "Or, we can burn her, crackle, crackle, crackle." I wonder if this is like the 'beep, beep, beep' from the other chapter, and the vital clown nose organ is burning this time so goes 'csh, csh'. Either that, or something is begging for cash and slurring their words.

The fire 'crackles' (damn, she was watching me there >.> ) over the bar's roof, and onto the 'shack which has become an inn for the night'. Uh, no excuse me, missy! If there's a mother-fucking attendant, it's an inn every night! Rain muses that what took these 'derelicts' months to build will become ash in a few hours. Oh, real heart felt there. And then... the reason behind it all!

Quote :

There is no stopping it, they say. They are the lost, the abandoned, and the forgotten of this world, those who refuse to follow the corruption of the government.

*bangs head against desk* WHAT?! What do you want them to do? Always be revolting? (Hur hur) Always be in revolution? Look here, there's two choices: there is either SOME form of government--even if it's by majority rule (democracy), elected officials (republic), a single person saying they're in charge...whatever--or there is NONE. You've already told us anarchy is evil and governments are corrupt... so they're just screwed! I would totes throw this book across the room if I could. As it's on my laptop though, I will pass.

For now.

Quote :

A small abandoned boy flees his collapsing home, but his arm becomes caught between the door and the wall. Rain hears him struggle and now nothing matters more but this boy.

How did he get his arm stuck between the door and the wall? I... I... what? I'm so confused. An arm can't go in the back way (where the hinges are) and if it were stuck the way people walk in, why doesn't he open the door? Is there something else there pinning him? We don't know... we're never told. And oh yeah, awesome, Rain. Way to say "fuck all you other fuckers who are blown up and burning and shit. KIDS MEAN MORE THAN YOU DO." Who cares if that bartender was saving up the quids to send to his family? Or the cook who made your meal? Or the ... attendant... who sold you a room? Yeah, screw all of them. She'll just save the kid.

Oh, the next paragraph describes why she saves the kid and no one else. She longs for lost innocence and every time she sees a child's face she is taken by her own past. This feels really sick to me, especially as she throws the kid over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes and runs away from the shacks, without even bothering to see if he has parents, or if they're dead or anything. Yeah, kidnapping much? She runs into a swamp.

Oh, dear god. She runs into a SWAMP after being in a DESERT.

This is fucking impossible. I don't draw back on my geology days too often, but we'll go through a basic lesson with y'all. What is the hallmark of a desert, kids? That's right! Very little to no rainfall in an arid environment. And what's the hallmark of a swamp, my students? YES. It's VERY MOIST and usually on a floodplain. By a god damn RIVER. How far did she run? From Arizona to Louisiana? Well, she just ruined my suspension of disbelief!

Anyway, Rain asks the kid if he has a family (so nice of her to ask after the 300-400 mile run) and he says no. They were all taken by the National Guard, and evidently left him behind. What? No cabin boys in the future? Guess not. Oh, that's how you can tell the evil government is evil: they abandon kids because kids? Pfft. Kids are worthless! Rain gives him a hug and tells him to go to sleep. She then WATCHES him as he sleeps. I'm all capping that one for a reason. @.@

Quote :

The boy rests on top of a patch of wet grass and Rain watches him. She is the hawk. Her eyes dive deep. She is also the bat with an inner vibration for direction. She has always had this inner sense for as far back as she can remember. Her eyes show her things others cannot see in the dark, in the mist, in the fog.

Her eyes dive deep in his sooooouuuul! Seriously, what is this? If she has hawk DNA through genetic modification... that gives farsight, not extreme nearsightedness. A hawk is built to find prey over long distances as they are flying around. Why is she channeling her inner hawk to LOOK (@.@) at him? Also, what are her eyes showing her here that we can't see? Blood vessels under the skin? His organs? Is it x-ray eyes? And OH my god... 'inner vibration'? Does she have an inner ear injury? It's called sonar. Bats fly with sonar. That means they emit sound and..fafj a;ksljfda.kjfl;klfjsklfjas d WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME BOOK?!

*ahem*

I am calm again. Which, I've a couple pages left, so I better stay calm else I'm not going to get through this!

So, Pedo!Rain the GEW (Hee, I wonder if she was spliced with PedoBear genes?) sits there looking at him, and the author goes off on a bit of a tangent, telling us that 'she is almost the perfect weapon: beautiful, vigilant, strong, with elevated levels of seeing and hearing, and weapons hidden beneath her skin'. Hm. Ok... I can get the secret weapon thing, and that she was built, but why is being beautiful important to being a weapon? And why is it listed first on the list? I'll tell you why, folks: we gots us a canon!Sue. Yes, in the tradition of Anita Blake and Richard Rahl, we have a canon!Sue who can do no wrong, and is always beautiful and perfect and deadly (like a snake!). I should have known that by now, but alas, it blindsided me.

Anyway, now she falls asleep (so vigilant) with the boy, and has a twagic nightmare from her twagic past.

Quote :

‘Do you know who you are? You are a special girl. You will do many things in this world. You were chosen out of all the others.’ His smile is long and his gaze is sadistically piercing. Everything she does and everything she says –pages in a book. He jots notes and brushes his mustache with his fingers, thinking and writing more notes. The floor is wet. There is a puddle of water. She sits in the cold puddle underneath her, gazing at the tall man with her dark eyes.

‘I’m wet. It’s cold,’ she says.

‘I know, Rain. It is supposed to be. But you made the mess. Don’t blame me for your mess.’

I would have much preferred if Mustache (is he Scabby? He must be? So... Scabby is French?) had gotten out the rolled up newspaper and smacked her with it while exclaiming, "Bad Rain, bad! Look at what you did! Do I have to shove your nose in it?" Because for all intents and purposes as far as I can tell, she piddled on the concrete. Yes... piddling. Very heroic. Oh, wait, the next sentence says it's seeping from her pores. Sigh. It's seeping from her pores. Well, she is a GEW, right? I suppose they can't take time out to go to the bathroom properly....

Anyway, she wakes up and is all boo-hoo I NEED TO GET MOVING. So she 'yanks' the boy out of sleep, and runs along with him, only slowing down when she figures out he can't keep up with her. Tanks start coming towards them heading west, so she heads north, then decides she needs to stop and let the tanks pass. Which is it? Whichever, as they sit and wait, we get an infodump on the National Guard blowing everyone and everything to kingdom come because MILITARY IS EVIL. Have we gotten that message yet? That and GOVERNMENTS ARE CORRUPT and only CORRUPT GOVERNMENTS KILL PEOPLE just for the sake of doing so. Ok, OK author, we get it!

Quote :

Fight for a government or die. This is how many see it today, everyone except those who make up the resistance.

I want to sob right now, so bad. Didn't resistances in the past fight against governments to PUT THEIR OWN GOVERNMENTS IN? So, in effect, aren't the resistance fighting for a government as well?

Regardless, the tanks pass and they move on entering into a mysterious forest. Oooh. With 'chalk' and 'chimes' which 'render it mysterious'. Double oooh. Face-painted people come out of the trees to talk to them, but Rain already knew they were there because she felt them with her vibrations and heard them coming, but somehow... magically... she knows they mean no harm. Of course not. They are the Peaceful Natives. We're going to call them the Hippies.

Which, come to think of it, if the whole world is nothing but fighting, wouldn't peaceful resistance be more effective than fighting a war on behalf of some mysterious resistance which will then only make their own government? Wouldn't people who know nothing except war be ready to embrace the peaceful ways? I'd have a lot more respect for Rain if she was more like Gandhi. Of course, I can say that about a lot of people.

Anyway, the Hippies ask what she is doing in their forest, and Rain says she's passing through to Alaska, so she can hitch a ride home on a freighter to Ukraine. They ask about the boy, and Rain's all like, "Oh, you can have him, as long as he's safe." Well, not really, but sorta. She ends up taking off before the kid wakes up the next day.

I tell you what, Rain is my hero.

Max, do you think Rae and Blooferlady would consent to share you with me? I literally laughed so hard I had a choking fit. My son was pounding me on the back wanting to know what was wrong, and all I could do was gasp out "You can tell I am ze French because of my wafer-thin moustache!"

And the song for Thump made me cry. Poor Thump, we hardly knew ye. But at least you got out while the getting is good, you lucky bastard.

Oh holy god, you actually bought it. Now I sort of want to do one myself.

...I need to get a Thump the Box avatar and keep it as a pet.

InkWeaver wrote:

Oh holy god, you actually bought it. Now I sort of want to do one myself.

You and me both. Anyone mind if I call dibs on "The Hunted of 2060"? That looks appropriately awful, especially since it's specifically a romance. Hee hee.

And I second the call for an icon or art of Thump. The cruelty with which boxes are treated must not go unremembered, and Thump was a victim of a sadistic system that every day strews cardboard corpses across our streets. NEVER FORGET.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

nevar forget

Tungsten Monk wrote:

InkWeaver wrote:

Oh holy god, you actually bought it. Now I sort of want to do one myself.

You and me both. Anyone mind if I call dibs on "The Hunted of 2060"? That looks appropriately awful, especially since it's specifically a romance. Hee hee.

And I second the call for an icon or art of Thump. The cruelty with which boxes are treated must not go unremembered, and Thump was a victim of a sadistic system that every day strews cardboard corpses across our streets. NEVER FORGET.

Evidently, "The Hunter of 2060" is one of four prequels to "Rain", so knock yerself out. :D Just be prepared to feel reeaaally cheated for spending your buck o-five (or so) because as much as my summaries might be painful for you guys, reading the whole thing is really hurty.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Max, do you think Rae and Blooferlady would consent to share you with me? I literally laughed so hard I had a choking fit. My son was pounding me on the back wanting to know what was wrong, and all I could do was gasp out "You can tell I am ze French because of my wafer-thin moustache!"

And the song for Thump made me cry. Poor Thump, we hardly knew ye. But at least you got out while the getting is good, you lucky bastard.

Aw, I would love to e-marry you if rae and bloofy agree! What about your own WD-40? Don't want no supa jellies people! :O

Heh, on a serious note, I'm glad I'm making you guys laugh. I would SWEAR TO GOD this is a troll. A very epic troll, because no one can think all this is good writing, can they? Really? Can they?

Ah, hahaha! The magical number 1500 post!

And it's reviewing a crappeh book. Yay.

This is Chapter Three of Rain the GEW, called "The 'Who' in 'I Am'". I'm reminded suddenly of when Moses (was it Moses? Someone anyway) asked who God was, and God said, "I AM." Which is pretty succinct. I wonder if the Biblical reference was intentional. Also, God has a World Health Organization. Awesome.

Here's the chapter picture:

Spoiler:

Also, the bf had a different take on this picture than I did: "So where is the other half of the tiny headed man that seems so concerned that Rain has fainted at the (missing) feet of... Rain?" Me: "I don't know. I saw him as playing 'light as a feather, stiff as a board." Him: "Ah, here I just thought he was a concerned passerby. "Hey, I know I'm missing both my legs, and one arm, and my head is this horribly misshapen little thing... no my other one, nothing below the waist, remember? But anyway, I'm a disfigured little half man/thing, but are you ok?" Which, now that I think about it, it's really a testament to her artistic ability that she was able to convey all that in what is otherwise a mess of a worthless little scribble."

Quote :

For each step she takes forward, she feels she takes one back, reminded of her past.

Yeah, she's going nowhere in a hurry, just like this book. Rain is all 'OMFG BOO MOTHER EFFIN' HOO' because her life is so rough and twagic. She doesn't care that she has Super Awesome Shin Broadswords; she's all "I miss my faaaamily". She decides to cop a squat and look over those files she downloaded illegally through Napster.

Quote :

Gliding her fingers over the sunglasses tucked in her pants, she holds onto her life. Against a tree, she sits in the shade. The sunglasses provide the screening she needs to flip through files of information with ease. Instead of the world around her, all she sees are the files labeled: Project Rain.

I KNEW IT! I knew she was just a superficial little twirp! 'She holds onto her life' by holding onto those sunglasses! Yeah! I see you there, Missy! Sacrificing Thump just for your own vanity! Hmph. Also, the project's name is the same as her name. Now, this would make perfect sense if she were named something else (say "Samatha") before the Project and then was dubbed Rain after the Project. This is not the case.

Quote :

Project Rain: August 12th, 2110 
Girl: Ten
Location: Ukraine
Name: Rain
Family: Lethal injection
Authorization: American Scanning Security Building
Purpose: To create the first HGEBW: Human Genetically Engineered Biological Weapon for defensive and offensive uses for the United States Government.
Ownership: Property of the United States Government

Did she just call...? Did she say HEBREW? *reads again* Oh. But it's funnier to say HEBREW to go with the GEW joke, so we'll go with that... which again, even so, it seems completely redundant. Also, why did she suddenly add an H to the acronym? Damn! And her family name is Lethal injection! Her whole name is "Rain Lethal Injection". Wow... I almost feel a little dirty here. That's horribly inappropriate for the all the GEW jokes I was making. >.>

I also love how this is a government department or project, but they still have to label ownership of Rain as by the American government. What? Do they do genetically engineered bioweapons for other counties? I bet Russia's got a panther on order.

Quote :

Notes:

She displays excelled learning and has more than reached her suggested potential from the intelligence testing. Exposure to gymnastics by her parents at age five has made her all the more agile and able to perform given functions -A perfect instrument for our purposes. She is being trained for combat, defensive and offensive attacks.
The Genetically engineering mutations injections will be given to her on September 15th 2100.
She is progressing successfully.
Dr. Williams

*snerk* She displays 'excelled' learning. Too bad you don't, Dr. McScabberson... because you know Dr. Williams has got to be Scabby from the first chapter. Also, it sounds like Scabby is a weeee bit preoccupied with her "agility", ifyouknowwhatImean. So, that's confirmed: PedoBear DNA was introduced in the mix. We won't ask how.

Rain is all boo-hoo here for a minute, thinking about her family, then she reads some more files about her. Remember Scabby saying everything would be explained? Well, it's not. Dirty pedo-liar.

Quote :

Rain has been exposed to the genetically engineering mutations for five years now and her abilities have enhanced extensively. Her ability to keep cool in extreme heat has proved to be most useful.
The altered state of her pores allows her to sweat moisture at extremely high levels, allowing for her body to remain cool.
Her blades for fighting at first posed a problem, but then after altering the formula, we were able to successfully create her skin to resist bleeding in her wrists and shins. Her skin’s flexibility is more like an elastic band now.
Dr. Williams

Her ability to remain cool... what? Did they take a flamethrower to her? And the 'altered state of her pores allows her to sweat moisture' (O WOW) 'at extremely high levels' (hyperhidrosis). HOLY SHIT, BATMAN! Her super power is to SWEAT at them! O.O That, and her skin is like an elastic band. Uh... Uh... how would that stop the blades from still cutting her...because rubber can um, be cut and....

Yeah. I think Rain got the short end of the stick here. If they were going to 'expose' her to 'genetically engineering mutations', I would hope they'd do something cool. Instead, they turned her into a self-lubricating rubber.

Considering pedo-doc, that's not too surprising though.

Quote :

Rain opens her arms and feels the blades protruding out from under her skin then they shoot up into the air. As they retract, she lowers her head into her hands and can’t hold back the tears that fall, as she realizes this weapon inside was designed to murder innocent people.

"Oh my god, these weapons are made to kill people!"
"NO WAI."
"YES WAI."

*hangs her head* What did she think they were made for? Spreading butter on toast? Cutting hair? Also, she needs to watch them shooting up in the air like that. She could put an eye out with those things when they come back down.

She has a screaming fit and 'vigorously throws the sunglasses onto the ground'. She's completely in an abusive relationship with those sunglasses. First, she sticks them someplace nasty, and then strokes them... and now, throwing them to the ground with great vigor. It's ok though, because a moment later, she's picking them up again and saying, "Hey, baby, I'll never do that again. I love you."

Quote :

Notes:
She has traced the location of her family and has learned they were executed by lethal injection under orders of the American Guard. Her loyalty to us is now under question. She resisted questioning in the interrogation room and we have been advised to sedate her. 
Suggested Action: 
Brief her and release the memory suppressant into her system. She must be erased. This will cause her to lose her long term memory associated with her family and we may reassert her loyalty back to us. We will retrain her in areas that have been lost.Consider the subject hostile and dangerous. Take every precaution, but do not harm the subject.

Sooo... they took a ten year old girl from her family, didn't bother to mindwipe her or brainwash her in any way, submitted her to unspeakable tests and trials, turning her into a mutant who sweats a lot... and only NOW is her loyalty coming under question? Never mind, Rain. Wipe these fuckers out. They are incompetent Evil Government Mens and deserve to be punished for being so stupid.

Quote :

Rain looks at the words, and memories flood her mind of family, her mother, father, brother, and how they were innocent in all of this, of how they loved her. Memories of being pulled away from her family. Tears fill her. Locked away inside a building with an unknown name, an unknown purpose, never knowing what happened to her family. Years inside that building and of Dr. Williams’ face flash through her conscious.
The face of the tall man in black that helped her escape swirls into focus and becomes the face of the man from her nightmares. She remembers a life inside that building, that prison: secluded, trained, disciplined, tortured and then of her finally escaping from it all.

So... Scabby wasn't Dr. Williams or he was? I'm rather confused. I just assumed he was, granted... but these paragraphs could mean he was or he wasn't. Or she's hallucinating. That, and LOL at Rain just thinking about her family and 'how they loved her'. Yeah, she's not selfish at all. They probably got marched into some National Guard deathcamps or something and she's all, "boo hoo, I sweat a lot".

Yes, I'm really harping on the 'boo hoo' factor this time. It seems to be the "emo" chapter of the book, and I'm all wondering if it's going to start cutting itself now and listening to My Chemical Romance.

Suddenly, Rain is handcuffed and is captured in a chair! No, there's no transition. She just is captured and handcuffed in a chair. A guard walks over to her with a smirk, and has a 'memory suppressant' (is it a suppository?) and injects it (Aw.).

Quote :

Her blades eject from her body and rip the cuffs off of her arms and legs and then she rips into the guard and heads to the door that leads to the corridor. ‘Escape!’ The words echo in her mind.

O.O

Those blades need to stop doing that, or I'm going to start making ejaculation jokes, I swear! The just erupt without any notice, at any time! Jeez! Also, escape is more than one word now?

She flees through the night 'like she has always done' and then BAM! Boat! Ha! I bet you thought I was going to say explosion, didn't you? Alas, that might have been exciting. No, she reached Alaska and is now heading home on a boat. The boat 'journies' for several weeks, then hits land. In Europe. Yeah, uhm, wouldn't it make more sense to land in Asia and then grab a plane or something?

Quote :

The memory of Hani, her friend, dead by the hands of the American Guard only brings pain and fills her with anger. She shuts her eyes and in the same motion lifts herself off the misty ground and rises like a mighty warrior.

Yeah, to hell with you, family! The National Guard only kidnapped you, but they KILLED her FRIEND! *shakes fist*

So, she's all weepy-eyed for a minute as her lost memories come flooding back (Huh? What? Why? What happened?), and she pulls out.. her cell phone! I got a real problem with this. Now, I remember reading a fic where this lady was talking about the Apocalypse, and how everyone communicated via the internet. When I critiqued her piece saying that if anything, radio and HAM radio would be the last to go for communication, and the internet the FIRST thing, she yelled at me for not knowing how technology worked. Yeah.

For those of you who don't immediately get why the internet staying up in an Apocalypse is wrong, technology... well, at least for communication... would go down most complex to least complex. Aka, the internet's gonna go first, because it takes a LOT to keep the internet going, dedicated servers and whatnot. Next would be cell phones, then landlines (possibly both at the same time anymore), lastly radio, HAM radio, and short distance (aka, CB radios).

In THIS case, we're in a world where anarchy (I think?) is the rule of the day, and governments change overnight. Corporations, in this scenario, would more than likely be run by said governments, or being small governments unto themselves. Cell phones... *sigh* Yeah, they probably wouldn't work. And even if they DID work, she would have to be a subscriber, which means she'd be easily tracked. And one last thing about this...

IT'S A HUNDRED YEARS IN THE FUTURE AND THE BEST WAY OF COMMUNICATION YOU CAN THINK OF IS A FUCKING CELL PHONE?! What a brilliant imagination! I am so astounded we'd be using such a backward technology a hundred years from now!

Anyway, she calls someone named "Clive" (which I though of Clive Owen, who is too cool for this fic), and she says, "Ok, the Screening Security System has been destroyed". Whoa, wait. She didn't destroy it. She escaped from it. And then he says he's on the Alaskan coast (that's a pret-ty big coast there, pal) waiting for her. Sad for him, because she already left Alaska and was heading to Europe. He asks if she's coming back. She says... oh, I'll just quote for you the end of the chapter:

Quote :

‘Rain, it’s you. I was wondering when you would get back to us here. Is it done?’
‘It is. The Screening Security System network has been destroyed.’
‘I’m here on the Alaskan Coast with the boat waiting for you. Will you be heading back now? I miss you.’
‘I’m sorry, Clive, but I can’t head back. I have learned too much over here about… everything… and I will…but now I must stay. I am going to bring it down. I am going to bring it all down.’
‘Then I’ll wait for you here. Call me when you are ready to head back home. Take care of yourself, Rain. The situation is worse, now that they have been infiltrated and have lost one of their most prized systems.’
‘I will, Clive…and I…I…miss you too.’
Click. She puts her miniature cell phone back into her leather pants pocket. ‘No one is going to take away my memories again.’ She runs. This time she does not run away from the American Guard, but towards them

Y'know, it really sounds like the authoress forgot where her character was, and what she was doing. *sigh* If YOU can't keep track of Rain Ms. Ami, then why are WE supposed to care?

Quote :

‘I’m here on the Alaskan Coast with the boat waiting for you.
(snip)
‘Then I’ll wait for you here. Call me when you are ready to head back home.

Wait, so he'll be waiting there on the Alaskan Coast the entire time she goes off on her poorly-explained mission? So, basically, he's an NPC?

Onto Chapter Four! Thank goodness there are only like seven chapters of this nonsense. Maybe eight. I'm not looking ahead so I don't give myself ZOMG SPOILERS.

Spoiler:

The scene starts in the middle of the night when most of the American population are asleep. She's outside the 'Scanning Security Building'... hey, waitaminute! Didn't she just escape from there and/or blow it up? (It was never quite clarified before) If it's a different building, we don't know cuz the author never tells us. Thus, I must assume it is the SAME building, and that she went all the way to Europe, and then ALLLLLL the way back to America to... Nevada. I think. Anyway, all the way back to infiltrate a building she already blew up. Got it? Me either.

Quote :

The Scanning Security Building is large and deep. She knows it towers above as well as below. 250 feet below to be exact. It is filled with guards who are trained to kill and most have. It is covered with security cameras and alarms. But she has an advantage over the guards. She is privy to most of the floors and rooms of the building from her training, disciplining, learning and the gaining of her extra abilities for the ten years she was held captive.

Yes, because they let their experimental subject ROAM FREE WHILE SHE WAS BEING EXPERIMENTED ON. *slaps forehead* Oh, come ON! I can think of a couple different ways to explain how she'd be awesome and know everything in there... the most obvious of which is the FILES she DOWNLOADED from the Mysterious Room Six a couple chapters ago.

Quote :

Most of the rooms she has seen: medical, computer, training, weapons, and prisons. She has been to the top floor 25 and to the bottom floor -25. She has been everywhere but floor -3. The room has been classified from her since her arrival at age ten and was still classified from her when she departed at age 20.

That's such an arbitrary number, don't you think? 'She's been everywhere but floor -3'. Why -3? Is it significant? Or just a random number pulled out of ass? And it still sounds like she just went 'la dee da' everywhere in this building, flouncing around carefree instead of a tortured prisoner.

Anyway, she comments that there are more cameras now than when she had been here before (last chapter), and that she can sense them with her 'sensory perception'. WOW! She can SEE CAMERAS! I am so impressed!

She races forward, going to the right since there are two guards to her left. Bob and Steve (the guards) wave at her as she goes jaunting merrily past. Well, not really, but the author makes it sound like they are right next to her, and they're cool with her being there. The 'outside boundaries' are easy to penetrate 'at least for her', and I stopped and LOL. Rain, being all penetratey... I keep getting the feeling that the author really has a problem with guys, so she made Rain who's super awesome with these FOUR knives which just pop out at any time. Yes. I am going there. It's just too obvious! I can't keep on ignoring it! So, yes, I am going with the dick jokes. Sue me.

Quote :

She races up to the building’s exterior wall and opens her wrists. The blades protrude the thick layer of skin and grind into the wall with one quick blow like that of a gunshot. Hitting the wall again and again with her blades, up and up she scales, like a well trained ninja.

Ok, YOU read that and tell me how NOT to make dick jokes! Also, how can the blades 'protrude the thick layer'? That doesn't even make sense! I get the impression of the skin rolling back like... uh, well, you know, when it's *ahem* "ready for use" (if you know what I mean), and then slamming into the wall, over and over again?

So, she sneaks in because she's wearing all black (and thus is invisible or something), and tries to avoid the 'night lights', and does so. When she gets in, she 'calls out the miniature blades that protrude from under her skin'. There are lots of them, and they make her look freaky or something. And then she turns them into a drill and drills through the floor. No, seriously. The fight scene that commences afterwards is filled with WIN.

Quote :

She lands on top of a bed with a trainee under her feet awoken by the sounds. A few trainees surround her and some are still dazed, busying getting out of bed. Rain kicks her feet into the guard underneath her and kicks the guards around her. Four down. They fall to the ground. Standing on her drill bit, it allows her to become four feet taller, and hover over the rest of the guards. One guard lunges from behind, pushing her to the ground. She rolls over with him, kicking upward, stabbing him with her shins. Five down.

A few of the other guards retreat and one tries to run out of the room. Rain closes her shin blades and opens her wrists. A few miniature blades protrude off the wrist and she flings one of the small blades towards the guard trying to exit, like a Chinese star.

Hit in the back, he falls to the ground. Six down. The other four guards don’t resist and stand away, hoping to save their lives. She grabs the shoes in the corner, and pulls the shoe laces off to tie the hands and feet of the remaining guards. Ten down. Room complete.

I... I... I have no words.

Wait, yes I do: OMFG YOU SUCK AUTHOR! Jeebus! This should be an exciting fight scene, but instead, what do we have? We have Rain jumping up and down on one guard (which she fell on), and somehow kicking the other guards as she does that. We have her killing people with tiny razor blades in the back. And the last? We have four wussy guards giving up and getting tied up with shoe strings.

Then, she DASHES outside with no alarms being raised or nothing and goes down five fucking floors without anyone noticing or nothing. Some guards! Man, the National Guard sucks! But a camera sees her and tracks her movement! So, how does she shake the camera eye? She DROPS TO THE FLOOR. Yes. That's right. Her brilliant plan is dropping to the floor where the camera can fucking see. Trust me. I've seen security camera footage before, and these are probably high-tech ones, right? Wide angle lens maybe? Anyway, the camera moves on (and never looks back) and she sees a 'code pad' next to the door she's next to.

Quote :

It moves away and she blows a dry breath over the code pad on the door. Fingerprints cover the numbers 3, 6, and 9. She knows it is a 6 coded number. She pushes in number 369369. Beep. She tries again with number 336699. Beep.

Recalling her stay at the building, she remembers the doctor taking her on many floors for training and experiments. He pushed one number in four times and then two different numbers on most floors. She tries again with number 333369. The door clicks opens.

*groans* Although it reminds me of a much better line in a much better story.



Anyway, our heroine enters the pitch black room, using her 'echo vision' to tell her where to move. *twitch twitch* She happens to find a computer in the back of the room, which is big (she has computer envy), and she logs on knowing a code she saw the doctor use many times. What was with all the futzing with the door then? Oh, NEVER MIND. I keep expecting sense out of this nonsense. She plugs in her sunglasses (*snerk* She wears her sunglasses at night, so she can so she can keep track of visions in her eyes...) into the computer and starts to download pr0n. It'll take ten minutes. Oh, and the sunglasses DO plug into the USB port, and I'm still trying to figure out where in the hell you can fit a USB connector on a pair of sunglasses.

The download is complete, and she realizes, "OWAIT. The mainframe will know what I'm doing!" *sigh* If this computer is connected to the mainframe and she knew where the mainframe was, couldn't she have just hacked the mainframe... aaaargh! There I go trying to make sense. But then again, it's not like she had a tough time getting in here or anything.

Anyway, she realizes that she needs to GO! So she crawls into an air vent and crawls down to the -25th floor to get to room 7. AHA! I KNEW IT WAS THE SAME MOTHER FUCKING BUILDING! Aaargh! Do you know what that means? It means I was right when I said she went to Europe, and came aaaaaaalllllllll the way back here to do this! WHY.

And she's crawling down to the -25th floor! Does she not know how air vents work? Even assuming she can fit in them, it's a straight drop down! Ok, ok, assuming her GEW powers allow her to summon tiny knives (as evidenced by the razor blade in the back earlier) to lower herself down safely, it's still not mentioned. It's just assumed she can crawl downstairs through the vents.

Anyway, the guards with their thumbs up their butts are all like, "Wow, someone downloaded a lot of pr0n" and someone FINALLY throws the alarm button. Rain freaks out and 'crawls up to floor -25'. Didn't you just...? I'm lost. There's like a whole paragraph missing or something. She races to room 7, and downloads a bunch of information, having a sense of deja vu. So am I! You want to know why? Because she did all this in chapter 1! That's right, this is a complete repeat of something that was skimmed over before. But it's not the same, because... Rain gets captured!

Quote :

‘Gotcha!’ An American Guard yanks her forward, swings her around and pulls her arms behind her back in one motion. He clips the cuffs around her wrists and another guard pulls her further down the hall. The hall grows shorter and shorter and she soon reaches its end. Rain’s feet scrape into the floor and she pushes her small wrist blades out from underneath her elastic like skin. The blades slide up, hitting the cuffs, but they don’t break.

‘You are not going to get out that way, Rain. These cuffs were specially designed for you.’ The guard smirks and continues to pull her through the corridor.

Oh, I love this National Guardsman so much. He's... competent! I am SO cheering for this dude right now. Alas, the victory is short-lived.

Quote :

Rain drags her feet and then ejects her shin blades to thrust her body into the air. She pushes herself up, and twists out of the guard’s hands, leaping upward and over the guards.

*covers her face* Oh, god. She uses the shin katanas to thrust herself up into the air, like a ... a pogo stick? I don't even know anymore. She does her high kick thing and thrusts her blades into the guards and our hero shoots back at her. She ducks the taser gun. And it scorches her shoulder. *twitch twitch* Then, once she's killed them (*sniffle*), she searches them, find a set of copper keys (why are they copper? I don't know), and frees herself and flees right back to the air vents again. SO ORIGINAL.

The bad guys are like, "OMG SHE'S ESCAPING THROUGH THE VENTS", like it was that hard to figure out, and they try to close things off, and start yanking vents off randomly. She crawls up to the -3rd floor, and runs to the generators. Uhm, what? What generators? And why are they kept in a sub-basement but not the BOTTOM sub-basement? Oh, let me copy this for you: it's just too stupid to try and sum up.

Quote :

She darts to the generators and turns them to full power and spins steel wheels around and around, opening the power lines to full charge. Pushing computer buttons to overload. The room overheats. Sirens sound. A band of guards run across the -25th floor and see the blood drops, leading to the air vent. ‘Where did she go?’

Just absorb all of that. Sit back, and absorb that. I really can't wrap my mind around all that. I have some sort of cyberpunk-neo-steampunk-computerized-1950's generator kinda system going on in there. It's such a confused mess.

As she's going through yanking machinery free and throwing it around like a baby on steroids having a temper tantrum, Scabby returns! Yay!

Quote :

Rain yanks machinery about and throws it to the floor. Steam and electricity shoot off inside the room. A fire starts in the back. Steam and smoke saturate around her eyes like fog. Rain saunters to the door to open it. ‘Hello, Rain.’ A tall man in a dark suit with a white bandage over his neck stands in front of her. His crinkled nose and dark eyes pierce her. ‘You don’t want to do this, Rain.’ He speaks slowly with tension.

‘I see the earlier incident has left you in bad health.’

‘Yes, yes,’ cough. ‘But we have amazing technology and I will be back to my old self in no time, helping others to become better than they are now.’

Cough.

Yes, that's it. Just cough. No descriptor tags, no name. Just cough. And the steam and smoke just saturated her eyes, BUT NOTHING ELSE. Crap, her eyes are smoke attractors! Dude, that's totally what bars need, man. And he spoke slowly, with tension. Boy, wouldn't it be nice if our author showed us the tension, rather than told us about it?

So, he's all like, "I made you, so you can at least trust me" and she's all "NO U" and stabs Scabby in the chest. Damn. Wait. I thought he was in another room? And that she couldn't see, because there was smoke and steam gathered around her eyes? She's all like, "Oh, I would feel guilty if you were human." Bitch! He's more human than you are! Daymn... you can tell a bad writer when I feel more for the bad guys. And inanimate objects. I really miss Thump.

She retreats back into the smoke room, and I still don't know when she left it. Oh, and now it's on fire. Awesome. BURN BABY BURN! But of course, she gets out.

Quote :

Loud crackles begin in the far corner and she slips into the air vent head first. Her body slides down a few feet. The crackle bursts and pushes extreme heat throughout the room and down the vent while her feet burn.

Crackle, crackle, crackle, yay! Oh, and let's see how many times she can use the word 'burn' in a couple sentences, shall we?

Quote :

The fire bursts into the hall, scorching approaching guards. Sirens beep. Rain pulls herself to the vent, leading to the ground floor and crawls without looking back. The heat follows, leaving a few burns on her back.

On ground level, she pushes out the vent which leads outside, pushing herself out of the burning building to watch it burn.

Well, only three, but she had to stop and watch the burning building burn, which made me giggle. What else is it going to do? Do a little dance? Make a little love? Get down tonight? The sirens just beeped too. What? Are the smoke alarms going off? And where are all the other guards in this place? You'd think it'd be heavily guarded, right? Right?

So, she stands there all 'yeah, I'm awesome' and some guard sees her, and starts firing. He must be completely incompetent, because he misses when she's just standing there and then she 'lowers herself in a stealth-like motion'. So, is it like stealth or not? Because it kinda just sounds like she's doing the limbo with nothing to go under. 'Sand slips up behind the revving of the bike'. What? Damn! More animate objects again! This time, it's the Earth. Jeezum crow.

I think it means the rear tire is spitting sand as she revs up the bike and goes away. This book is now about halfway done. *sigh* A few more chapters, and it will go away.

Maximilia wrote:

I get the impression of the skin rolling back like... uh, well, you know, when it's *ahem* "ready for use" (if you know what I mean), and then slamming into the wall, over and over again?

All I can see now is a headdesking penis. Except, against a wall. Headwalling (?) in utter desperation.

Alright! I think I have finally recovered, and so... we move on to Chapter Five: Clive. Oh, hur de hur. I get it author. It rhymes. I R SO IMPRESSED.

Spoiler:

Ok, so we come back and Rain is driving down the road.

Quote :

Driving all night, she speeds down sandy roads and soft gravel. The beaten streets are torn with holes and lumps of ash.

Sandy roads and soft gravel (heh, "soft" gravel? Right) makes me think of a country road, you know... a dirt one. And then the next sentence brings to mind a more urban landscape. It's maybe not such a glaring or funny error, but it just... it just shows the thoughtlessness which Ami writes. I get two very different mental pictures with two sentences. The whole novel is very confused this way.

Anyway, she says that Clive will be waiting for her, and that's why she's driving back. Or something. I'm not quite sure, but whatever. She's going to her honey, and that's all we need to know.

Quote :

Driving up to the Alaskan coast, while Clive sleeps, she tightens her shirt around her shoulder to keep from bleeding further.

Wait, what? Hey, we need a bit more than that! When did she pick up Clive? And how is he sleeping on a motorcycle which she's driving? Is he behind her?

Quote :

She does not feel the need to sleep much ever since her time in the American Guard when she was ten. It must be something to do with all the experiments and nightmares, or the new biology they gave to her. Either way, she finds it useful to require less sleep than the average human and uses it to her advantage whenever she can.

*facepalm*

God dammit. She needs to start sparkling, then she can be like Twilight's vampires. They don't sleep either! Even taking away the biological need to sleep (and then where does she get her energy? How is she refreshed? I think we've seen her eat, once. And never poo, but then again, we know she excretes something out of her pores), there is a psychological need for it. After three or so days without sleep, people start to hallucinate. The lack of sleep causes psychotic episodes. At least we know why she's such a crazy bitch now. Even the undead, in a lot of stories, require "downtime", even if it's not sleep.

Ah, I see. She's driving while Clive sleeps in Alaska. And she's driving to him. Why oh why couldn't the author tell us that in a clear way? Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, she must evidently arrive at Clive's place, and breaks in. She watches him sleep.

Uh, back up. What? Watching him sleep? Where have we heard that before? ORIGHT. Edward Cullen.

Quote :

Today that advantage means walking over to Clive and watching his peaceful face as he sleeps. Somehow watching him, unaware of anything around him in his blissful slumber, breathes peace into her.

Yeeeah. That's not creepy at all. And no, Twitards, it doesn't work in reverse. Whether you are a man or a woman, breaking into people's houses and watching them sleep is just plain creepy.

So, with 'childlike impatience', she wakes him up before dawn, just so she can see his eyes. He kinda freaks out, and she's all like 'Oh, it's me, Rain'.

Quote :

‘Rain?’ He drags himself up from off the hard, cold floor of the docks. ‘Rain, did you just get here?’ He brushes over his rustic tussled hair and his thick short beard that has been neglected while he waited on her. His long arrow earring dangles from his left ear.

Rustic tussled hair? And long arrow earring? Also, if that's what that's supposed to be in the picture, it's on the wrong side.

Quote :

‘No, I’ve been here part of the night. I didn’t want to wake you. You looked so peaceful. It would have been cruel.’ She smiles with a glitter of laughter in her eyes and Clive twinkles back. His smile curls up into a scar on his right cheek which he received from a ground invasion in the Ukraine when the American Guard was trying to eliminate his team there. Most of them escaped, except for his sister and a few soldiers.

... dammit. They are sparkling.

Anyway, they talk for a bit, and Clive asks about her shoulder. Rain's all like, 'Don't worry, it'll heal. Part of the genetic manipulation.' So... she heals super fast and doesn't sleep? Yet she doesn't eat either. How does her body do all this? OWAIT. It's the MacGuffin of "Supah Sekrit Gubment Speriments". In other words, there isn't an explanation other than the vague 'genetic manipulation'. She's all 'oh boo hoo' and wangsty, and then Clive replies:

Quote :

‘You are more human than any human I know. You’ve risked your life more than anyone would have to save the lives of others. So many are alive because of the sacrifices you make. You always put others before yourself even in this world, where no one is inclined to do the same for you. You are the beckon of light in this world of darkness. If that is not being human then I don’t know what is.’

*raises hand* I know what that is! It's not only being a Mary Sue, but also an Author's Darling! No bad things will EVER really happen to Rain other than the wangsty past, which she uses to manipulate people. Everyone will adore her because she's Super Speshul and Awesomes, except the Bad Guys, but they will all still try to rape her, with varying degrees of success (but never to complete the actual act). She will succeed in everything she does, because she is simply not allowed to fail, and any flaws or drawbacks are superficial, if they are mentioned at all.

Jesus wept, I hate this story. I mean, christ, at least Laurell K Hamilton has a grasp on the English language.

Rain says she isn't a light because she's murdered so many, BUT DON'T WORRY: Clive's right there to assure her that she kills only monsters (thus removing any need for introspection, because of the external validation of her Rightness), and furthermore:

Quote :

You are not the monster. Can’t you see that? You keep the monsters away so the rest of us can sleep safely. How selfish are the rest of us to ask that of you?’

Oh... you did not! What? This is a Resistance member? She keeps everyone safe? *rubs her head* He's a member of the Resistance, and while with her super powers Rain probably does a lot, he still just completely shit on every other member of the Resistance. Also, how can she be everywhere at once to watch everyone while they sleep? Does she do this for everyone? Does she do turndown service as well, and put a mint on their pillows?

Quote :

His dark blue eyes look like the dark sea with the dark blue clouds rolling over it –a mix of stillness and storm.

His darkity darkness was dark and deep, deep in the dark of darkityness, which rolled over the deep dark of the darkity dark dark.

Anyway, I'm going to sum up here, because that's what Ami does. Does she tell us what's going on? Not really. Does she tell us Rain's deep past? Nope. Does she show us the conversation so we can get to know her and Clive better? Forget it! No, we get a couple paragraphs of badly written infodump instead.

Quote :

The Guard does not spend much time observing the waters, but when it does, the attack can be brutal and Clive has learned it is better to avoid confrontation than to go looking for it unprepared. The boat sails off in the direction of Ukraine.

They know it will take about three weeks to arrive there by traveling around Alaska to the Arctic, leading into the Atlantic and journeying through the Mediterranean Sea where the Black Sea will lead them to Ukraine. They huddle underneath with the boat on autopilot after Rain tends to her shoulder in the bathroom. Her mind races through her last past weeks and tries to make sense of it all.

‘What happened to you there?’ He sees a change in her eyes and knows she has learned more about her past. Rain opens up to him, knowing his arms are the safest she will find in this world. She tells him about her nightmares, about the placement she had when she was ten and the experiments and the goals the American Guard had for her.

She tells him about her family and about learning of their deaths, the guard involvement, and finally about Hani her closet friend. Clive listens intently, knowing that every word she speaks she gives him in complete trust, because he looks at her in a way that tells her he would keep that trust.

Oh my goodness gracious! Where to start?

The government currently in charge doesn't watch the water at all. Nope. Also, it's implied that America is just one big country, when if it were as wartorn and confused as Ami wants us to believe, they should actually probably be broken down into smaller territories, or even organized countries to take over.

The boat takes off from Alaska... and goes AROUND Alaska to reach the Arctic (What?!), which then goes into the Atlantic (Double What?!), and then through the Mediterranean to the Ukraine. O.O Massive Geography FAIL!

***
EDIT: I'm WTFing that part because assuming there hasn't been massive global ice melts and the glaciers are gone, this is out and out impossible. Yes, if you look at a map, it's all technically possible, in theory. However, in practice? IMPOSSIBLE. Also, it makes no sense to go through the Med. Sea to get to the Black Sea to Ukraine. They should have gone to port somewhere in like Denmark or the Netherlands or whatever and taken a train. Europe's not that big, guys.
***

They're piloting the boat on autopilot the whole way. The whole three weeks... and this is a freighter with no other crew members. O.o

And holy shit. It sounds like she's known him for forever, but she is just now opening up and confiding in him because his gaze is trustworthy. "Aw, he's looking at me in a trusting way... I know! I'm going to spill all my secrets to him. This can't possibly backfire!"

She then spends some quality time alone.

Quote :

The rain from the sky falls over her. Closing her eyes, she feels like one with the water. It is as if her breath and her feelings are the same as the storm of the water. The rain keeps her calm and strong. The moisture from the droplets of water keeps her resilient. She drifts off into a deep sleep. The boat tosses up and jerks right. Her head slips off a box and she awakens

Oh. OH. I see. She does sleep, but only when it's convenient for the author.

Anyway, she goes and wakes up Clive (again), and they sit down to talk about their next move.

Quote :

‘Well, we’ll analyze the data and inform the resistance back home to formulate a new mission. We will strike their various bases. The information should tell us where they’re located.’

"Hey! We have this information which would be vital for the Resistance back in Not-America to overthrow the Ebil Gubment there. Let's take it to Ukraine!"

Rain is all like 'I'll do what I can to help' and Clive is all 'no u dun have to' and she's like 'yes i am, i can kick ur butt' and he's all like 'ya lol let's make out'.

Quote :

He leans in towards Rain and their noses touch lightly. His lips graze over her skin: her cheeks, her closed eyes, her lips, and in the quietness of it all, away from the war, the gunshots, the yelling the running…this moment is a moment they have long coveted

"OM NOM NOM."

Then, immediately after that sentence:

Quote :

Rain pulls away. Too close, too close. She doesn’t like to be vulnerable. She never had to be, because this war never allows her the time. It never allows anyone the time. No one knows who they will ever see again and everything in this world is fleeting and so she has to keep guarded.

"I want this! Oh, crap! I forgot I was supposed to be angsting!"

Clive gets seriously cock-blocked by this war. It must be the reason why he's fighting against the Ebil Gubmint... which hey guys, doesn't it sound like it's all.... one huge government over the entire world instead of a series of small dictatorships and oligarchies?

Quote :

Her focus is the mission, always the mission. Distraction hurts her acute senses. Feelings cloud her. She pulls the sunglasses over her eyes and watches the screens of rapid information. ‘We need to look at these.'

I feel bad for Clive. He's not only p-whipped without getting any, his entire being is to do nothing except worry about Rain. I mean, he could have been this kick ass resistance fighter, perhaps with a French accent who smoked cloves and wore a beret. Instead, he's this whiny non-person who just moons after Rain like she's the best thing ever instead of a sociopath genetic freak.

Quote :

‘The Chinese are not the enemy of the American Guard. They work with the American Guard. Both work together to take over everything.’ She shakes her head. ‘The bastards have been playing everyone from the beginning. There was never a division of power, a reason to fight over lands. They simply wanted a reason to justify killing millions who got in their way of world domination. They orchestrated wars between them. There were never two sides that started this war. There was only one side, one motivation to rule it all.'

"One gubmint to find them all and in the darkness bind them"? Also, I really did totally call this before I read this. GO ME! *arm pump*

However, that's a fallacy too. I thought it was all one Ebil Gubmint because the author couldn't write anything interesting with a war torn world. It just seemed like one bland Gubmint controlled area after another, except Alaska and Ukraine or something. It was nothing but bland Gubmint jelly on war toast.

Then, they find out Rain was not the first one! ZOMG!

Quote :

Clive takes the sunglasses and flips through the screens, but not as fast as Rain. ‘Look here. It says they brought Razor in at 2100 and in 2110, they brought in you. Razor underwent similar procedures to what you described happened to you, but the effects of the experiments were more damaging to his psyche. This was ten years before you were admitted. He must have been about ten when they took him.’

‘He would be about thirty now.’

‘It was called Project Razor.’

Do you get the feeling the author can't subtract numbers unless there are zeros on the end?

Also, Project Rain and Project Razor. Wow, Ebil Gubmints really aren't that creative, are they?

Quote :

‘I remember a strange man about the age of twenty when they brought me into the building. He was very tall with angry black eyes. He glanced at me, like he wanted to kill me, as he passed in the hall. I was new and just a child then. I could never forget his face. I had nightmares about him even after the memory suppressant. Dr. Williams called him his little boy. I remember the look in the doctor’s face. I had forgotten that. He was so full of pride, like a father for a son. At fifteen they send you off to fight. He has been fighting for fifteen years for the American and Chinese Guard in their so called ‘wars.’

Heh. So he's crazy, but she's perfectly sane. Riiiiiight.

Anyway, it's found out that this had been done 'to many people', and they find a project Runway Butterfly for 2115, which proves the author can only count by fives. They blah on for a bit, and Rain gets all huffy that there's another Speshul Snowflake and hits the wall.

Quote :

‘They tell you anything they know will help get you on their side. I imagine they do the same with everyone they take. Everyone needs to hear different things, different stories to give their allegiance to them.’

Rain hits her fists into the wooden wall of the boat. ‘Damn them. We have to find her and help her. There is still time for her. Does it say where she is?’

‘It has a mark on Butterflies location in 2119. She is completing her metamorphosis in Singapore, ruled under the Chinese Guard.’

Ami: "I'll make a Project Butterfly, and I'll refer to her genetic changing as a metamorphosis. Hur hur. I'm so clever!!!"

Clive then decides to say fuck America and go to China to destroy some building there, and oh, yeah, if this Butterfly lives, to rescue her.

*bangs head against desk*

Oh, jeez, guys. I'm sorry if this isn't that funny anymore. I just can't help it... I try to snark and then I'm all like, "WHY?! WHY AM I READING THIS THING? IT BURNS OH GOD HELP ME IT BUUUUUURNS!" Seriously, this is just getting more and more ridiculous to read the further I go on. Thankfully, I think I've only two chapters left.

Oh no, no, no, please keep going! The book itself is comedy gold, but I'd never buy it myself and your commentary is very witty. Especially on the "illustrations".

Ah haha! I would cry (you'll see why in a minute) but instead I have to laugh at the utter cheapness of Ami. In other words, YES, I did BUY THE BOOK. I will have pictures in a couple weeks because a friend is taking it down to have it signed and (hopefully) dedicated by the author. He did, however, show me via a webcam what it looked like. The cover was all glossy (good), and it looked bound pretty good (also good), but there were no pictures at all. THE PICTURES WERE A LIE. Not only that, but the pictures that WERE included were.... in black and white.

Yes, that's right folks. Ami is so mother effin' cheap in her self-publishing, she couldn't even be bothered to put colored pictures in with her masterpiece. I laughed so hard I almost did cry at that.

I also can't help but to think that having badfic signed and dedicated by the author is some sort of GAFF holy grail. Also, if I participate in the Secret Santa next year, people better watch out!

EDIT: If I knew her address, I'd get out a red marker and correct it, then send it back.

Maximilia wrote:

I also can't help but to think that having badfic signed and dedicated by the author is some sort of GAFF holy grail. Also, if I participate in the Secret Santa next year, people better watch out!

Oooh, I think Nihlist should give you some sort of special citation to go with your avatar for dedication to GAFF above and beyond the call of snarking. I don't know of anyone here who's actually 'bought' bad self-published fiction and snarked it before.

And if we do have Secret Santa, I so hope you get my name! Then I will commission Ink Weaver to make me an 8x10 picture of THUMP and set up a shrine in my bedroom.