"Spoirk"

Seeing as I tackled some bad DS9 porn and some bad TNG porn not too long ago, I figured I’d look at the “Classic Trek” section of adultfanfiction.net, in the hopes of digging up some mouldy old horror for us all to gawk at. And my hopes were…fulfilled.

I… I honestly don’t know what to make of this one. It’s a Kirk/Spock fic that’s actually called Spoirk. Is the author serious? Let’s have a look at the first line.

Quote :

"Ahhh"

Jim grinned at Spocks uncharacteristic exclamation as he wiggled his fingers deeper into the Vulcans anus and simultaneously jerked the well lubed penis in his left hand.

Okay, which one of you wrote this? Who’s messing with me? Come on, cé leis é, who owns this troll account?

Nobody?


…I’m watching you.

This is a one-shot, a “first time” fic and a present for someone else, as explained to us in the Author’s Note. It also contains the following line, which really should have been a warning not to read any further:

Quote :

Warnings: not betaed, posted in a hurry!

I said it before, but it bears repeating – I really don’t understand why anyone would admit they spewed something onto the internet without proofreading it first. In what world is "I didn't bother to check my work" an excuse for shoddy spelling, grammar and punctuation?

Anyway, back to the fic. Now I know what you’re thinking – hey ho, slash PWPs are a dime a dozen, and even us non-Trekkies know what Kirk/Spock is. Well, it’s the little touches and turns of phrase that make this fic stand out for me. Things like:

Quote :

he pressed forward slowly until he was fully sheathed inside the superheated Vulcan insides,[…]. He could actually feel the hair at the base of his skull become erect!

Godammit, Spock even made his hair horny!

While reading this fic, I vacillated between laughing uncontrollably and making faces. If I wasn’t so cagey about my identity, the rest of this review would just be quotes and reaction shots, because seriously:

Quote :

Vulcan cum was somewhat sticker than human cum. Not entirely unpleasant, but definitely an aquired taste.

That face? That face you’re making right now? Imagine Nathan Explosion’s dumpy, speccy twin sister making it. That’s the picture that would go here if I wasn’t so paranoid about you goddamn maniacs hunting me down and keying my car.

Let’s go back to Kirk’s role as a come connoisseur (which reminds me, I must have a look at the Futurama section sometime) for a minute. Here we have an interesting twist on the usual oral sex scene, as Kirk forces Spock to mindmeld with him so that Spock can feel the sensation of sucking his own dick.

Quote :

He guided the hand to his face so Spock could get into his head, find that erotic connection where Spock not only felt the wet sucks Jim adminstered, but also touched on the sensation of having his mouth full of his lovers erection as his mind connected with Jims. […]From the mind meld he could taste his own musk, smell his own desire. The combination was intoxicating.

All I could think of as I read this was whether Spock was unconsciously making a dick-sucking face during the mind-meld. And now hopefully that’s all you can think of, too.

There’s nothing much else to add except that Kirk keeps his boots on in bed, causing Spock to complain about him tracking grit onto the sheets, which is just manky. Oh, and this:

Quote :

Lucky he was totally exhaused for the tickle of springy pubes against his rear would normally keep him awake.

Let that mental image marinate for a while.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Quote :

Lucky he was totally exhaused for the tickle of springy pubes against his rear would normally keep him awake.

Let that mental image marinate for a while.

Who invited Clarance Thomas to the party?

And now I remember why it was I was never able to take original Trek slash seriously. Though if you think this is bad, you should have seen some of the stories that turned up in the early fanzines. Pretty much put me off the pairing (and even the idea of the pairing) to this day.

Also, "Sproik" sounds like the kind of noise you'd hear in a Road Runner cartoon when one of Wyle E. Coyote's plans backfired.

Wasn't there something in the early fanzines about Spock's anemone penis? Let me Google that...

Oh wait, it has made its way to the internet.

It looks more like an ear of corn to me.

Sutremaine wrote:

Wasn't there something in the early fanzines about Spock's anemone penis? Let me Google that...

Oh wait, it has made its way to the internet.

It looks more like an ear of corn to me.

Yeah, that originally made its debut on the zine circuit. Though it did make a certain amount of convoluted sense, given that Spock WAS an alien, and most writers originally wrote male Vulcan anatomy as being identical to male human, just a different color.

To Ni-I'd be surprised if it wasn't. Slashability is in the eye of the beholder, and while I was a big fan of the original Star Trek, it was more because I was a huge sci-fi geek.

Spoirk?

Why not Spik or Kock?

why is there so much spock buttfucking kirk fanfiction (besides the crackfic writers being retarded)? spock seemed pretty asexual in the series, and kirk has boned too many alien woman to be gay. it's so ooc, but so common. but its gross. why?

Quote :

Jim grinned at Spocks uncharacteristic exclamation as he wiggled his fingers deeper into the Vulcans anus and simultaneously jerked the well lubed penis in his left hand.

DO NOT WANT!

I've heard "Spirk" before, which is at least pronounceable. Got more of a Brangelina ring to it. Oh my god that word is even worse when you write it down. How is that possible?

I remember Spock's anemone penis. Good times. Very Wraeththu.

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

I've heard "Spirk" before, which is at least pronounceable. Got more of a Brangelina ring to it. Oh my god that word is even worse when you write it down. How is that possible?

I believe Spirk was the original fanfic amalgam.

As for Brangelina, why do you people feel the need to smush a couples names together so it's only one word in the first place? It was bad enough when it was confined to fanfic (Spuffy anyone? How about Janto?). It's like once you become part of a couple, neither of you has any identity of your own, and people feel it necessary to squash your names into some stupid combination. Heavens forfend they actually treat you as if you're two separate individuals and not some sort of strange co-joined-via-sex creature.

Really, writing out Brad and Angelina doesn't take that much more time. And since they're famous, people know who you're talking about. It's not like you have to explain WHICH Brad and Angelina you're referring to.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Though it did make a certain amount of convoluted sense, given that Spock WAS an alien, and most writers originally wrote male Vulcan anatomy as being identical to male human, just a different color.

Yeah, but why would just his genitals be so different to a human's when the rest of him looks human? Why would a mammal even have the structures required to form tentacles? The petals could be a heavily modified foreskin, but the tentacles... *shrug*

Maybe he is to a human as a mallard is to a duck. Vulcans do have that Pon Farr thing going on.

Rabid Badger wrote:

I believe Spirk was the original fanfic amalgam.

I thought that all those horrible portmanteau couple names stemmed from Brangelina.

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

I believe Spirk was the original fanfic amalgam.

I thought that all those horrible portmanteau couple names stemmed from Brangelina.

Interestingly enough, Spirk is the only smooshed name I can think from early fanfic. When I originally got online, it was still SOP to write out the couples names with a / between them. I want to blame it on Harry Potter fandom, but that could just be because it's the first fandom I stumbled across that did the smooshing thing (that and House). It may've existed before that, it just wasn't common in any of the series I wrote for. And even when it became common for Torchwood, I still write Jack/Ianto in the summary because frankly, I think Janto looks damn silly. Though it's got a ways to go before it looks as silly as Gwack, which sounds like the noise a duck would make if it was choking on something.

Quote :

he pressed forward slowly until he was fully sheathed inside the superheated Vulcan insides,[…]. He could actually feel the hair at the base of his skull become erect!

Godammit, Spock even made his hair horny!

This line made me scared that somehow Kirk's hair was going to get used for something. Thank god for (very small) favors.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

I believe Spirk was the original fanfic amalgam.

I thought that all those horrible portmanteau couple names stemmed from Brangelina.

Interestingly enough, Spirk is the only smooshed name I can think from early fanfic. When I originally got online, it was still SOP to write out the couples names with a / between them. I want to blame it on Harry Potter fandom, but that could just be because it's the first fandom I stumbled across that did the smooshing thing (that and House). It may've existed before that, it just wasn't common in any of the series I wrote for. And even when it became common for Torchwood, I still write Jack/Ianto in the summary because frankly, I think Janto looks damn silly. Though it's got a ways to go before it looks as silly as Gwack, which sounds like the noise a duck would make if it was choking on something.

I remember, in fandoms like Yugioh and Pokemon, they did/do that whole (nickanme)shipping so you'd have to look up a damn list to see who was coupled in fanfics. I'm not sure if that's common in any other fandoms or really in practice anymore, but I hold that it's more annoying than the smooshing technique.

Shingzyl wrote:

I remember, in fandoms like Yugioh and Pokemon, they did/do that whole (nickanme)shipping so you'd have to look up a damn list to see who was coupled in fanfics. I'm not sure if that's common in any other fandoms or really in practice anymore, but I hold that it's more annoying than the smooshing technique.

Dear lord. I was going to say it's still in intermittent use in the CSI fandom, but it's NOWHERE near as bad, considering there's all of maybe 10 main characters in CSI. That list is just... I'm going to have nightmares.

And now I'm having flashbacks to my early days in fandom, trying to figure out how you could possibly smoosh the following pairings in such a way that they didn't end up sound so stupid you'd laugh yourself to death:

Due South
Fraser/RayV
Fraser/RayK

Raser? But you'd still have to designate which Ray it was, because not everyone swings both Rays.


The Sentinel

Jim/Blair. Just...no


The Professionals

Bodie/Doyle

Dodie? Boyle? Both sound like something you should see your doctor for immediately. I don't even want to think what the Bodie/Cowley shippers would have to come up with.

Trigun

Vash/Wolfwood

I think I actually saw someone shorten this to Vashwood once.

Knives/Legato....I got nothin'...

Miami Vice

Crocket/Castillo. Alliteration reaches new heights. Most fans of the pairing just referred to them as Sonny and Marty anyway.

They even do that to South Park characters.

I mean, people pair eight year old boys and give them cutesy nicknames.

^ "Style" and "Creek" as words have pretty tainted for me thanks to that fandom.

For bonus points: guess what "Buttman" is!

EDIT: Sorry for stealing your thread, CY.

Just Chipper wrote:

For bonus points: guess what "Buttman" is!

Butters/Cartman?

Spoiler:

Just Chipper wrote:

For bonus points: guess what "Buttman" is!

Canon?

It is kind of canon, isn't it? Poor Butters.

I can see why fangirls pair up Cartman and Kyle, because dear little Eric does have a strange obsession with him.... but they're eight/nine years old, and no matter how they talk they are not going to boink each other. That's just totally gross.

Come to think about it, not so sure about Cartman.... but I'm very sure about all the rest.

Rabid Badger wrote:

The Sentinel

Jim/Blair. Just...no

I don't know who these people are, but I think "Blim" sounds kinda charming.


They're probably thoroughly un-charming characters, aren't they.

grmblfjx wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

The Sentinel

Jim/Blair. Just...no

I don't know who these people are, but I think "Blim" sounds kinda charming.


They're probably thoroughly un-charming characters, aren't they.

Actually, they were both decent guys (and they could be charming, when they wanted to). Jim was an ex-Army Ranger who'd spent roughly a year of his life living with a native tribe in the jungles of South America (the plain carrying his squad crashed, and he was the only survivor. He was MIA/presumed dead till a search party stumbled across him) He later became a cop.

Blair was a post-graduate student working on his thesis, and teaching part-time. The two of them meant after Blair helped the police solve a crime (and also figured out why Jim sometimes acted a little squirrely). After his apartment got blown up due to the people next door running a meth lab, Jim let him move in with him.

I don't think either of them would've approved of Blim, though. They were both too down-to-earth to put up with people calling them a silly smushed name

Cyberwulf wrote:

Quote :

he pressed forward slowly until he was fully sheathed inside the superheated Vulcan insides,[…]. He could actually feel the hair at the base of his skull become erect!

Godammit, Spock even made his hair horny!

Doesn't hair generally stand on end when the person is either cold or frightened? I wouldn't blame Kirk for being frightened at being in this piece of crap.

Cyberwulf wrote:

That face? That face you’re making right now? Imagine Nathan Explosion’s dumpy, speccy twin sister making it.

You look like Nathan Explosion?

Cooooool.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Here we have an interesting twist on the usual oral sex scene, as Kirk forces Spock to mindmeld with him so that Spock can feel the sensation of sucking his own dick.

If Kirk forced Spock to mindmeld, that's basically psychic rape. Bad Kirk. Bad.

Well that was just horribly disturbing. Even for a Kirk/Spock fan such as myself.
Awesome snark. I laughed especially hard at the part about Nathan Explosion. All I could picture after that was him skimming this fic and then going "NOOOOOOOOOO"