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 Slapstick torture! It's hilarious!

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Nevvy
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Join date : 2009-06-30

Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! Empty
PostSubject: Slapstick torture! It's hilarious!   Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! EmptySun Oct 03, 2010 9:28 am

Oh yes, even more WoW fanfiction, why do you ask? Though this one is rather based on Defense of the Ancients, a custom-made map from Warcraft 3 used for multiplayer, and as I understand it is pretty much the only reason anybody even plays that game anymore.

Ah, Sylvanas Windrunner. Once ranger general of the High Elf defense forces, she was defeated, taken captive, and after being tortured to death for Arthas' amusement she was raised as a banshee. Eventually she broke free of the Lich King's control, and even managed to find her old body to possess. Now she leads the Forsaken and can lay the smackdown on demons five times her size. She's a strong, independent woman, and most signs from Cataclysm points towards her just becoming more and more ruthless in her quest to lead her people.

And heeeere she's a wet rag as presented by a goon of an author who thinks that you can mix the comedic timing of a five year old with a woman being tortured to death.

Forsaken Love

The author starts out with an extended author's note, in the shape of something I detest with the passion of a thousand burning balls of gas. IN SPACE. They're talking to their imaginary friend, in script form.

Are they saying anything relevant? Let's take a look. For reference, Michuru is the author, and Ryosuke is the personification of the voices in their head.

Quote :
Michiru: I have some things to say! Don't start so soon! Or else there'll be confusion!
Ryosuke: Of what?
Michiru: Well… First I gotta say this is a DotA/Warcraft fic, so it's more like a crossover.

Somewhat relevant, but there are so many more graceful ways to announce this.

Quote :
Michiru: Next, I found out some information in Wiki, but it's still very confusing to me.

I daresay this is a bad sign.

Quote :
Michiru: In my fic, Humans' main camp is Lordaeron and the leader, sorta like the King, is Arthas.
Ryosuke: Wait, I thought Arthas turned into Undead?
Michiru: Yeah, so when he turned into Undead, the whole Human race became allies to the Undead. Means they're helping them.

Ah yes... of course. In reality, undead in Warcraft ellicit the same kind of reaction from humans as in any other story. Lordaeron, for you who don't know, was the human kingdom that fell to the Scourge, and Arthas murdering his own father, the king, didn't make it much better. Save for the odd survivor, Lordaeron is all undead.

Quote :
Michiru: Then the Night Elves' main camp is in Azeroth. Well, wikipedia's more confusing than I thought. Anyways, the leader is Maiev Shadowsong.
Ryosuke: I thought she was only a Warden?
Michiru: Dude, shut up, you're confusing people!

It's not you, honeypie Ryo, it's me her/him(?). Seriously, the voices in the author's head sounds like he's trying to make more sense than the author, who's obviously just cheerfully tossing things together.

Quote :
Michiru: Well, what do you expect? Look, just ignore Ryo. Let me finish this. The Undead's main camp is in Northrend and the King is Ner'zhul the Lich King. The Blood Elves' main camp is Silvermoon City, a city located in the Forest of Quel'Thalas and the leader is Sylvos Windrunner. Just imagine him as Kael the Invoker in DotA.

Northrend is a continent. If all of that was one huge Scourge camp, then there wouldn't be much left of anything else in the world, even with the last shred of Arthas' goodness holding them all back. Also Sylvos Windrunner is a blood elf mage with nothing much to do with anything, and he sure as hell wasn't leading Silvermoon at this time since Kael'thas was still sane.

I've seen DotA used in fanfic a few times before, and it all seems to me like the authors just toss something together with characters nabbed from other fandoms.

I'll give the author this much credit; the author's note, while painful to read, was largely relevant. It did tell us that we can't expect much real Warcraft lore, after all.

And now, my dears, make sure that you've got your Resist Agony o' Character Butcherment defense auras activated and let's dive into the action.

Quote :

Deep in the forests of somewhere,

Oh, good to know where we are. If we were uncertain of what to expect, it's certainly cemented now!

Quote :
Deep in the forests of somewhere, an elf was running, as it seemed, for her life. This elf was carrying a bow, with a few arrows behind her. She had pointy ears and grayish skin. Not only so, she had red eyes. She wore a hood and she kept it up, covering her hair, but a few fringes of the hair could be seen, and it was blue in color.

I'm fascinated. This author has mistaken living!Sylvanas blue hood for hair. How do you DO that?

Quote :
All she knew was that she had to run as far as possible from Northrend, the Undead's main camp.

Again, Northrend is a continent. She can't be running away from that through a forest. Sylvanas laughs at the puny Fatigue meter while jogging across the ocean! Haha!

Quote :

It was long ago before she realized that she no longer heard the Lich King's voice in her head, but she still pretended she was under control when she served them.

How exactly DO you fake still being loyal when you're around people who are all being mindcontrolled by the person who's supposed to be doing the same to you?

I think the only reason an important slave like her managed to break away without Ner'zhul caring too much was that he was busy going "Arthas, get your lukewarm ass over here and chase that punker kid Illidan and his groupies offa mah lawn!"

Quote :
She wanted to plot a sneak attack. A revenge on the man she hated most- Arthas. Yet, before she could even begin thinking about it, they gave her a mission which she could not bear to do it.

She seems to have regressed into a rather slow thinker.

Quote :
They wanted her to destroy Silvermoon, her home.

Le gasp! ... why would they bother about that when they already pretty much have done that while getting to the Sunwell? And by the time Sylvanas broke free, Kael'thas would have headed off to frolick with Illidan, further reducing the threat that Silvermoon posed. Ner'zhul would be a bit more concerned about Illidan and all those pesky demons still running around over the countryside... even if they're total whimps who beg for mercy as soon as somebody slaps them.

Quote :
Back then, Arthas was the one who attacked the city and she was the one who stopped him from doing so.

Uh, no, she kinda failed in that. That's why she's an undead now, y'know, right? RIGHT?

Then it goes into a retelling of how she fought and failed. I think the author is confused.

Quote :
She also destroyed the bridge leading to the Inner Gate to stay his advances. Despite her valiant efforts, Arthas managed to recover the Key of the Three Moons and destroyed the Inner Elfgate. Nothing stood in his way to Silvermoon.

She then gathered her forces and went to warn Silvermoon

Why would you need to warn the city when Arthas is already THERE?

And then, to my great horror, Arthas and Sylvanas start to talk. As a sidenote, all the dialogue in the flashback is in italics, but nothing else is.

Quote :
"Finish me off, Arthas. Give me a quick death. This is what I deserve," She told Arthas when she was lying on the floor after Arthas' Frostmourne slashed her. Blood was spilling out of a wound as she struggled to stay conscious.

This doesn't sound so bad, actu-

Quote :
"No, Sylvanas. You're such a pain in the ass. Because o f you my attack on Silvermoon was delayed. Now, you and your crap Rangers knew about this sneak attack and fortified the defences.

Uuurgh.

I must warn you, it's not going to get any better.

Quote :
"Try me, Sylvanas," Arthas smiled and said. He went in front and stepped her on the face. The blood elf whimpered, "Urnnhh!" before she fell unconscious.
"Urn?" Arthas said and laughed to himself. He thought the joke was funny.

I just... what? Ner'zhul, you need to stop making his brain freeze and thaw repeatedly. Look what it's doing to him.

And now, with Sylvanas on the altar... or iron coffin, according to the author... as we've seen from art and music video depicting her undeadifying... but first, some gripping, nervewracking banter!

Quote :
"Just give me a clean death, Arthas …"
"I won't give you a clean death if you don't say please,"
"Arthas… please… just finish me off…"
"Haha! Fooled you! I said I won't give you a clean death if you don't say please!"
"What?"
"It wouldn't have happened if you paid attention during English classes, huh?"

Ahaha... ha... he sure showed her... except if you want to use proper English, that double negative cancels itself out, so Arthas is the one who failed English.

Quote :
"I want to hear you scream, Sylvanas. It gives me an amazingly hot feeling,"

He liked that until he realized that it made his frozen dong melt off.

Quote :
He grabbed her palm and gave it a cut. Slowly. Very, very slowly.
"!!!!!!" The elf screamed. She could not bear with the pain. She could only stifle her sound only for the first two seconds. She did not want to scream. She knew Arthas would become happier and torture her even more.

I don't think he cares about your quests, Sylvie, even if you try to give him several at once.

Oookay, she's reacting that much (and worse) from him just cutting her palm. Uhuh. You could say that, well, this is Frostmourne being put to use, but I think that's giving the author too much credit.

Quote :
He grabbed the elf's other palm and mocked her, "This time, scream louder."
"NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! I'LL BE YOUR SLAVE! I'LL BE YOUR SLAVE!"

The real Sylvanas could kill this pathetic little damsel with just a glare.

If you think this characterization can't get any worse, well...

Quote :
The elf continued to scream as Arthas continued to make bruises of cuts on her plams. Then his eyes focused on something else. The elf's cleavage.
"Ooooh, breasts. Why didn't I notice this first?"

I... I've been trying to think of something witty to say but... I think this one speaks for itself. And no, it doesn't dissolve into rape, he actually says he's going to cut them next but we're thankfully not shown that.

Quote :

Her screams were so loud that even dolphins and bats could hear them.

The author proves that he knows as much about the animal kingdom as about English double negatives.

Quote :
Arthas chuckled. Then he continued, "The Lich King has given me so much power. I'm beyond godlike. (Ryosuke: Holy Shit!) (Michiru: Shut up!)I'm invulnerable. I won't die. So, how am I supposed to rot in hell?"

And the point of that author's note was...?

We're largely spared those kind of things in this chapter, but they flourish in the next one.

Quote :
"I will come tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow. And the day after the day after tomorrow. And- err… and so on… Brace yourself for spanking time, my dear… MUAHAHAHAHA!"

GAAAAH! Okay, I'm wrapping this up! There's another torture scene (sorta) with more of the same stupidity, and she's finally undeadified. Then it shifts back to her running through the forest and collapsing from exhaust. Uh, yeah.

But she doesn't die from whatever she's dying from, because she's found by:

Quote :
She saw a human with blond and spiky hair holding his hand out to pull her up. This human left a long fringe from his right forehead across his nose bridge and to his left cheek. He had blue eyes and was wearing a black outer collared and buttoned shirt, but he did not button up. On the inner layer was a white buttoned shirt. For a certain reason, he lifted his collars up instead of putting them down. She could see the blunt side of the sword sticking at the back of the human.

Cloud Strife in his Advent Children/Kingdom Hearts 2 wardrobe. Except he's named Golden to confuse us.

Sylvanas attempts to tell him off, but reverts to Damsel in Distress mode and faints. And so ends chapter one. I shudder at the thought of chapter two.


Last edited by Nevvy on Sun Oct 03, 2010 3:30 pm; edited 1 time in total
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TheIan
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TheIan

Join date : 2009-06-12
Location : Dining car on the Train of Time, DenLiner

Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! Empty
PostSubject: Re: Slapstick torture! It's hilarious!   Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! EmptySun Oct 03, 2010 1:57 pm

Nevvy wrote:
And now, my dears, make sure that you've got your Resist Agony o' Character Butcherment defense auras activated and let's dive into the action.
Shit, I didn't get that item! [Raises his Pally bubble]

But yeah, in any event, the whole thing doesn't work. Northrend is, as you mentioned, [i]an entire fucking continent[i]! The author clearly hasn't done enough research to understand let alone write coherently.

Also Sylvos Windrunner? Yeah...

As said by any and every high-level player to a new player, "LRN2WOWWIKI N00B!"
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Vilecat

Vilecat

Join date : 2010-09-24
Location : Great White North

Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! Empty
PostSubject: Re: Slapstick torture! It's hilarious!   Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! EmptySun Oct 03, 2010 2:25 pm

Arthas sounds less threatening than Hogger in that story, and Sylvanas is more of a wimp than Gamon.

There's more than just L2WOWWIKI here...
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Happenstance
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Happenstance

Join date : 2009-11-27
Location : 221B

Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! Empty
PostSubject: Re: Slapstick torture! It's hilarious!   Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! EmptyThu Oct 07, 2010 10:07 pm

Nevvy wrote:
I don't think he cares about your quests, Sylvie, even if you try to give him several at once.

Oh my god I laughed so hard.

I love crappy WoW fics. :'D
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5582

5582

Join date : 2010-08-28

Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! Empty
PostSubject: Re: Slapstick torture! It's hilarious!   Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! EmptyFri Oct 08, 2010 1:17 pm

Quote :
The elf continued to scream as Arthas continued to make bruises of cuts on her plams.

wat
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Alhazred
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Alhazred

Join date : 2009-07-21

Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! Empty
PostSubject: Re: Slapstick torture! It's hilarious!   Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! EmptyFri Oct 08, 2010 4:56 pm

That was my thought exactly. What does a bruise of a cut look like, anyway?

The ridiculous screaming over being cut on the hands makes me think of that knife from Farscape coated in stuff that tripled the pain response. That would probably still be insufficient.
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Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! Empty
PostSubject: Re: Slapstick torture! It's hilarious!   Slapstick torture! It's hilarious! Empty

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