Who's up for a snark?
Damien: You people find this fun?
Katherine: They're not sane, Damien.
Grace: What is it with some humans that seem to openly desire to cause themselves psychological pain through the reading of sub-par stories?
Damien: Hell if I know.
Thank you all for volunteering to assist me in this endevor.
Damien & Katherine: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUU-
Grace: Oh dear...
Anyways, since they so graciously decided to volunteer, this is Commander Damien Jackson, leader of Shadow Squad, a mercenary force. Also happens to be a Sparton-III. Accompaning him is his AI partner, Katherine, and the moniter 3808 Savior's Grace. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I brought these three out in honor of the fact that this is a SSB/Halo crossover, or so it claims.
Damien: Isn't SSB a crossover to begin with?
Katherine: Just go with it, the sooner we get done with this, the quicker we can get out of here...
Damien: Can do!
On to the story!
Katherine: Preparing 'wallbanger' program...
Grace: Let's just get this over with, shall we?
Chapter 1: The First Attack
- Quote :
- Mario was walking across Toad Town. It was a beautiful day. Bowser had not attack in months and Princess Peach was safe. Then, red clouds filled the skies and volleys of missiles crashed in the city's buildings. Airships appeared in the sky. The Airships dropped Shadowbugs that formed Primids. An invasion had begun.
Damien: Wow, talk about lack of build-up...
Katherine: Must be a new record. Zero to shit in seven sentences.
Grace: Such an appalling lack of understanding of basic grammar...
Grace, bad grammar is going to be the least of this story's problems here real short-like.
Grace: Is this true?
Katherine: Grace, dear, bad spelling and grammar is a staple of badfics.
Grace: Oh my...how...disturbing.
- Quote :
- "Bring it." Mario said as he prepared to fight the Primids. He punched a Primid in the face and then blasted another one with a fire attack. Scope Primids then tried to blast him, but their beams easily bounced off Mario's body. Mario subdued them with a powerful earthquake punch. Then, he jumped across the city, trying to find the leader of the invasion. He jumped to an Airship and found the leader fo the Primid, Bowser.
Damien: Dude, emote! There's just no feeling in the way you said that!
Katherine: Wait, fuck that, did the story just say what I think it said...?
- Quote :
- Scope Primids then tried to blast him, but their beams easily bounced off Mario's body.
Katherine: Yes...yes it did. -_-;
Grace: How is this possible? Mario is not beam-proof, yet this story depicts him as such...
C'mon! We're talking about a rotound italion plumber that can be killed by just touching an enemy! He is not beam-proof!
Katherine: Also, I know Mario is legendary for his jumping abilities, but he isn't good enough to jump an entire city. -_-
So anyways, Mario finds Bowser, Bowser talks about how his-
-army will take over the universe. Mario, naturally, steps up to beat him. They fight for all of literally ten sentences then Bowser whips out a Power Star and teleports Mario away.
Grace: I was not aware these things had the capacity to perform teleportation.
Damien: That’s because they don’t.
Grace: Ah. That explains it. Such an appalling lack of understanding of the cannon of that particular series.
So anyw-oh god no!
- Quote :
- he saw a young man in green clothes. Aside from him was a sword and shield. Mario recognized the young lad, it was Link.
Please dear lord, anyone but Link!
Damien: I shudder to think of how our cannon is treated in this story.
Just as appalling as this, if not worse…
Katherine: …I’m scared…
Damien: We all are, Katherine.
Grace: I have to admit to being significantly perturbed by this story.
Chapter 2: Meeting of Heroes
Damien: You gonna be alright, man?
I’ll be fine, Jackson.
Katherine: We’ll carry on until chapter 3 and call it a day, alright?
Sounds like a plan to me.
Grace: Very well then. Shall we get to work?
Other 3: Right!
So we start-…I give up. *starts banging my head against the wall*
Damien: You have got to be kidding me!
Katherine: I so utterly despise this story… -_-
Grace: By the Precursers…what horrid nonsense is this!?
- Quote :
- The tube opened and the man awakened. The man's eyes saw the three warriors through the helmet. Quickly grabbing an Assault Rifle perched near the tube, the man began shooting the heroes. Sonic evaded the bullets, Link deflected them with his shield, and Mario was not pierced by the bullets.
"You must be enemies." The man said. "I'm gonna take care of you."
"Stop." Link replied. "We're not enemies. We don't want to fight you."
"When I'm done with you, you won't be able to fight ever again." The man said as he kept shooting them. Mario protected Link and Sonic using his body as a shield. The bullets bounced harmlessly from Mario's body. No matter how many bullets the man shot, Mario was invulnerable to them. Mario managed to catch the last bullet and crushed it with his hand. He then dropped the bullet in front of the startled man.
That is not the Chief!
Damien: Like hell that is the Chief!
Katherine: Wow, didn’t even need the extremely OOC line of dialogue to tell that that isn’t the UNSC’s greatest and most decorated hero.
Oh, and we’re once more treated to the fact that Mario is absolutely invincible. Something tells me that the author of this story has a closet shrine for Nintendo’s mascot.
Katherine: Aww, c’mon! That overweight plumber dies if he so much as touches an enemy! He isn’t fucking invincible people!!
Damien: Oh, and once more, we are presented with more evidence that everyone present is nothing more than a badly-programmed robot duplicate seeing as how they almost never show any emotions in their dialogue.
- Quote :
- "In my Earth, there are no talking hedgehogs." The Chief arrogantly replied.
…The Chief is not arrogant.
Damien: He’s fairly humble, actually.
Katherine: How embarrassing.
Grace: That is not the Reclaimer.
- Quote :
- But when they got out, an army of Primids were waiting for them.
Yeah…don’t get your hopes up, people.
Damien: They are neither going to die horribly or put any effort into the exceedingly pathetic battle to follow.
Chapter 3: Battle in the Plains
Said battle lasts for literally lasts for 17 sentences spread out in 4 3-5 sentence paragraghs. Here, I’ll show you.
- Quote :
- Mario punched a Primid across the face, he then avoided the blasts from a Scope Primid. Blasting the Scope Primid with a fireball, Mario was then attacked by two Metal Primids. With his super strength, Mario easily defeated them. Ten Primids then surrounded Mario. Subduing them with an earthquake punch, Mario finished them off with a fire blast.
Link had cut through some Primids. Two Sword Primids tried to slash him but Link held off the attack and bashed them with his shield. Link then fired arrows towards a Fire Primid in the head. Finally, Link defeated five Primids with his spin attack.
Sonic had easily evaded the shots from a Scope Primid. Punching it with fast attacks, Sonic kicked another Primid in the face. A Metal Primid tried to punch him, but Sonic evaded the attack and spin-dashed it. Sonic then homing-attacked a Giant Primid.
The Chief shot three Sword Primids with his Assault Rifle. Subduing a Fire Primid with a shot in the knee, the Chief then punched through its face. The Chief then pulled out a plasma grenade and tossed it to a Scope Primid. The Chief then defeated a Giant Primid with his Spartan Laser.
Yeah, especially consider the fact that Sonic considers the battle ‘tough.’
- Quote :
- "That was tough." Sonic said after defeating the Primids. "I really hope we don't run into more of these guys."
Katherine & Damien:
Grace: How…unintelligent. They put no effort at all into that fight, how could it possibly be difficult?
I dunno Grace, maybe he’s just a stupid weak fuck…
Grace: You may have a point there, Writer.