I love Supernatural (and crossovers... and Supernatural crossovers... I have weird tastes ok) so much that I had to respond in fic form. Which is pretty sad, but I do have a test to write today, so just take this as being procrastination in overdrive. Could I even post this to FF.net/LJ, I wonder? I'm thinking it's doubtful. I followed along with the fic to the bitter end, which may be helpful in reading this take on it. ~2,500 words, slightly more than a third of the length of the original fic.
Ramblin' Spirit Man vs. the Mary SueJohn Winchester, Ramblin' Spirit Man, had seen his boys wade through a lotta crap in the past few years (mostly of their own making). He was still a bit too non-corporeal to do anything much, but this...
This was way worse than this Apocalypse business.
He still didn't know why a witch would want to stick his boys in a setup like this, but maybe that Trickster asshole was back. His money was on Bobby "Singerhi" being the culprit, between the suspect healing skills, the name change, and planting the idea of raping the girl.
For all he knew, it might just be a setup for Singerhi to get tail from Ellen. One thing for sure, whatever had raised these women and messed with his family's memories was gonna pay.
The first sign that something was wrong was when everyone at Bobby's had been all but ready to faint over this girl's wounds. A hunter wouldn't have looked as shocked if they'd been bellycut themselves. Bill Harvelle sure hadn't.
Then there was the matter of that angel who was always having staring contests with his eldest. When they'd come in and he hadn't even looked at Dean, John'd really started to smell a rat.
He began to suspect a beast he hadn't had to hunt since his boys were in school: the dread bitch Mary Sue. Born as a normal girl, a Mary Sue would grow in power over time, which would eventually become fatal to her parents - through no fault of her own, of course. A Mary Sue's powers were all-encompassing, warping the world to revolve around them. They could probably push her into Lilith and end the conflict, but he was pretty sure that, by then, the damage would be too great. They would have lost their true personalities and forgotten themselves forever. Marrying them off to zombies was just the first step. Where was that Ruby girl when you needed her, anyway? She never hesitated to cut a bitch.
So he'd checked up on that Bella girl, and if he'd had more time, he would've stuck around in that town. It was worse than that Silent Hill place. All these half-assed vamps and werewolves or shifters or whatever they called themselves around. It would've been more of an issue if they didn't just talk at each other all the time.
Her story didn't add up, that was for sure. How the heck did she even know Castiel's name, or that they were hunters? After the way she'd ruined Forks, he supposed she must've needed a bigger challenge. Already, things had started to change - the angel had just gotten a tan, put on fifty pounds of muscle, and grown half a foot. The Mary Sue's hair had started changing colours, too. He couldn't let it get to the point where her eyes took on the properties of mood rings, or it would be all over. But how would he stop it?
When the ex boyfriend came around, John crossed his fingers that she was the race of Mary Sues who would die tragically soon. Course he wouldn't be so lucky; she recovered from her neck wound and massive blood loss in all of ten minutes. He sent an engine flying at the useless Edward as Edward flew from the property, just to make himself feel better. Once she had sex (not that he stayed around for that, but she was yowling like a jungle cat and all the lightbulbs blew out), he became hopeful that her powers would start fading.
He began to suspect that this was a ploy to weaken Castiel when, first, she hit him and it left a mark, and, then, the angel became hungry. John didn't even want to think about the feelings the angel kept, embarrassingly, displaying. When they referred to Castiel as 'part angel', John's suspicions were confirmed. He followed them to Forks, where Lilith decided she wanted Bella dead (it was weird to be cheering on a demon for once, but that was the kind of damn trickery a Mary Sue got up to).
When he got there, he found another ghost hovering, one in a police uniform and impressive mustache.
"Oh my God!" said the other ghost. "What have they done to her? My poor Bella! Look at that, she keeps getting cut but she never bleeds!"
"Your poor Bella?" barked John. "Listen, mister, I'll have you know she's been running rings round my family screwing up their memory for a while now. I'm here to stop her."
The ghost scratched his head. "Yeah, she does that. I didn't realise 'til after her ex killed me just how many murders I seemed to be letting happen after she moved in. The state would've fired me next."
"Well, can't we stop it? She's turned my sons into zombie-lovers, it's just not right."
"Beasties are kind of a thing of hers," the ghost said apologetically. John scowled and wondered if he was able to throttle other ghosts. He was getting inclined to find out.
They watched as Lilith fell to her doom - somehow - which John didn't trust. She and Bella were probably in on it together, faking.
Without a break between the action, the werewolf woman suddenly found a package for Bella with a note, which she read aloud:
- Quote :
- My dear daughter Bella
By the time you read this i will be dead but i must tell you something.
This knife belonged to your Granma Swan its been passed down from
granchild to granchild i hope this helps you and dont worry . The Winchesters are
old friends of mine as is Ellen Harvelle and Bobby Singner Castiel loves you more than i do and he would die
to protect you.,
Be brave and strong
Bella these weopons will kill Edward and together you and your friends can live
in peace.
Love your father Charlie.
"Hang on!" the ghost snapped. "That's not from me! It doesn't even make sense. If I knew what was happening, why didn't I kill that bastard who came after me? Was I supposed to just lay down and die?"
Who was the note from then, John wondered? Definitely some sort of scheme.
"Think that's how it goes," said John. "Sorry to say, but your daughter's a Mary Sue. You were kinda screwed, bud."
"Listen pal, don't call me bud. Plus, the only knife I ever got from my mother was a paring knife after my divorce. Who the hell are the Winchesters, Harvelle, and Singner Castiel? Also, I know she thinks I'm dumb, but I know how to spell! Dammit, she's gone too far this time! This Mary Sue thing has to stop!"
John refrained from pointing out how far she'd already gone. "Singerhi changed his name to Singner now, huh? Pretty sure he's behind all this. As to the Winchesters, you're looking at one." He looked at the group again and shuddered. "Ugh, since when does Dean want group hugs?" Things were going south pretty quickly now.
Charlie was getting even more agitated, the window nearby banging open and shut. "What does she mean, they're her family? She barely knows these people. What was I all these years, cannon fodder?"
John opened his mouth.
"Don't say it," said Charlie resignedly. "I guess you're right, she has to be stopped. I don't even see my daughter in her anymore. But how?"
"Well hold up, here's that Edward guy again, maybe he'll do the job."
"Edward? The one who killed me?" A wind started whipping around Charlie that only got stronger after Edward sunk his teeth into Bella. "First things first," Charlie said before following Edward, who was running away again.
"Revenge, huh?" said John to himself. "A man after my own heart." Though how determined, hard-working guys always got stuck with such fool kids, he had no idea.
He listened in as the others came up with some new nonsense about vampire bonding that he was ready to smack them for. "Edward knows where you are all the time and he has a direct link to your mind"? "He's just going to keep getting stronger and stronger"? What
was this tomfoolery? It made him kind of hopeful, though. Maybe they were all making it up to sic Edward on Bella again. He wondered whether Charlie or the hunters would get to Edward first.
Then, Dean asked Bella how to kill a vampire and John had to go run his ghostly form through the bottles at the liquor store just to feel better.
When John caught up with everyone, they'd just gone into some creepy mansion in the woods. According to Bella, it was the vampire family's. John hated when supernatural things decided to shack up and call themselves family, so he was happy to see the bloodbath inside (though why vampires would make that much of a mess, he had no idea).
"Good for you, Charlie," he said.
He watched and laughed as they ransacked the place - so much for Bella's noble feelings about these people. He was interested in seeing what they'd do when they got back to Bobby's, but it looked like everyone was just pairing up again. John huffed in disgust and hauled ass to the furthest truck in the yard to plot. Still heard 'em.
John was relieved the next morning when they locked Bella out of their plans. Then, that damn Mary Sue left all of a sudden. Not trusting this one bit, he followed. And promptly squawked.
"What the hell do you think you're doing with my car?" he yelled. Somehow, the bitch managed to turn it on without any keys and take off. John got in and threw a few of Sam's tapes (didn't matter if those ones got damaged) at her, but as usual, even the hardest clonking on the head barely did anything to her.
Well, at least now he knew he could count on Dean's help taking her down.
Except for some reason, the boys didn't come along at all. He would've headed back just to throw a pillow at their heads for it or something, but he was too concerned with how things were going to go down.
So once Bella was tied to a pole (or "poll", as it was inexplicably labelled), he started concentrating on the ceiling light above her, shaking it and trying to get it to fall.
"Hey," someone said behind him. He turned.
"Charlie!" he said. "Good job with the vamps back there. They gave all the credit to Edward, but I knew it was you."
"Oh well, I'm a cop," said Charlie, "I'm used to not getting any credit. I would've given Edward the same treatment, but, for one thing, he keeps running away at the slightest breeze, and for another, I heard he was trying to get Bel- get the Mary Sue creature again, so I thought it might be worth waiting. I don't think I could take her out myself, Winchester, I just don't."
"Weakling," said John. "How about you try and help me move this light?"
"Why-"
"As a distraction," John lied. "But don't ask questions."
Charlie shrugged and started trying to rattle the screws.
John thought they could have a real future working together as ghost hunters (by ghosts, for ghosts!).
Next time he glanced back down, Edward was headless and Bella was free and in Castiel's arms.
"No!" he yelled.
"Edward's dead?" Charlie said dazedly. "My little girl has a new supernatural love who will actually treat her well?" His voice got thinner as he spoke, and when John looked over at him, Charlie was fading.
"Son of a bitch, Charlie, don't do this. There's still so much to do - she's a Mary Sue, dammit."
"Not my problem anymore," whispered Charlie. He suddenly flared into bright light then disappeared.
"
Such a weakling." John glared at the light one last time and it finally fell.
Well, his last hope for taking care of the creature had gone... or had it?
He headed back to Bobby's to see Dean's reaction over the car, but he could swear it looked shinier than ever by the time it got back. There was even a rainbow coming off of it.
The rainbow was the final straw.
After a few days of his attempt at a murderous rampage on Bobby Whateverhislastnamewasnow, John realised there was only one thing he could do.
He headed out to the yard and called for the angels as he'd seen Dean - real Dean, not this sackless car-hater - do before.
A bald guy in a suit appeared in front of him.
"Well, well, well," said the angel, looking him over in a way that made him kind of uncomfortable. After what Castiel had been up to lately, he couldn't feel so sure that angels weren't sexual beings. And it felt dirty to think that. "John Winchester. Oh, we'd given up on you ages ago." The angel held out a hand. "Zachariah."
"Can you get rid of this Mary Sue and get my family back to being themselves?" John demanded.
Zachariah shrugged. "Oh, certainly. How do you know we didn't set this up in the first place? They've been doing Heaven's work. Maybe this is their reward."
"A world with a rainbow on my car is no reward," growled John, "and if my kids weren't so screwed in the head right now, they'd be able to see that right now too. Even Sammy."
"Okay fine, maybe we just like to mess with them. Play Dad, if you will. But are you so sure that you wouldn't be happy with things as they are now?" Zachariah snapped his fingers and suddenly the salvage yard was a gleaming car lot.
"Ugh," muttered John, disgusted.
"Two years later. Have a look around. If you like this world, you may not want to call me back." Zachariah disappeared.
There were three houses flanking Bobby's now, each with its own sickening white picket fence. He popped into each one, getting steadily more annoyed with what he saw.
"Zach!" he called.
The angel came back rather huffily. "You can never be happy, can you, John? That was what, ten minutes?"
"All I need. This world still sucks. First of all, I don't want that Mary Sue bitch sharing my last name. Even if I reconciled myself to Castiel one day possibly sharing it through a different way that was very uncomfortable to think about."
"You're telling me."
"Next, John Bobby is a stupid name, even if I get to be first in it, and I don't want witches for grandkids, thanks. Finally, my kids are even stupider than they used to be, which is really saying something."
"It really is, isn't it?"
John scowled. "Put everything back, dammit."
"Of course," said Zachariah. "There's only one thing we'll need from you."
"What's that?"
"Oh, just a short conversation with the archangel Michael. Fun fact: the Apocalypse has already started, everyone in this world is just too dumb to notice! We'll keep you posted."
Zachariah snapped his fingers, and it was like all the colour drained out of the world.
John watched as Dean stormed out of the house with a bottle of whiskey, grumbling about his car, and Cas followed and eventually beat him up while they glared non-stop at each other. Sam yelled at them from the inside about not acting like children, and Bobby, who seemed to be Singer for sure again, groused about gettin' blood out of the carpet.
John sighed happily. Everything was back to normal now. This Michael stuff didn't sound like it would be so bad, either...
And that's how John Winchester unsaved the world, made his boys miserable again, and brought on Paradise.
Worth it.
Home 
