When Yaoi Goes Wrong, or: PENIS DOES NOT GO THERE OW OW OW!

Well, this one has been discussed at length on the last two boards due to the rather, er, unique sex practice featured, so I figured it was high time it made it into Golden Oldies! It took a while to find since it had been removed from the two venues it was previously posted at, for reasons the author does explain herself in her end note (to be quoted later), but googling its signature line I located it here. Without further ado, I give you "Distraction", a Saiyuki fic by Destroyer_by_Fire.

Quote :

Genre- Romance/Humour (Well, I find it humourous.)

By the time we're through with this, you're going to have to decide whether that makes her a misanthrope or just plain stupid.

Quote :

Summery- Hakkai is worried. Sanzo and Goku have been gone too long. So Gojyo distracts him. GojyoHakkai one-shot lemon.

Yeah, the weather's quite nice outside right now, but what does that have to do with your lemon?

Quote :

Warnings- Yaoi, yaoi, and more yaoi! Warningwarningwarning! There will be men having sex in this story. If you don't like this, why the hell did you open this story? I put in the summery lemon. Meaning I describe it! Okay, if after all this, you till read it and are shocked when the men start doing the naughty dance, you are a baka!

There's that summery lemon again. Also, I was quite freaked when I first read this story, but not because of the lemon, or the m/m.

Alright, so the story starts out with generic m/m PWP setup. It gets interesting once the "summery lemon" commences, though:

Quote :

"Oh. You've done this before?"

Gojyo blinked at him.

"With a man," Hakkai added.

"Eh, once or twice," Gojyo said. He lightly flicked his tongue over Hakkai's nipple and slid off the bed. He hunted through his bag and produced a small tube, barely used. "And now, the sex!"

I don't know whether a *drumroll* or a *dun dun DUN* would be more appropriate here.

Quote :

"Why are you laughing? If I'd fallen, you would have been disappointed. No sex with a broken dick." Gojyo sat down on the bed and wiggled the tube.

FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT, GOJYO!

Quote :

"More? Coming right up!" Gojyo picked up the lubricant and spread a little on his finger. He circled the tip several times before plunging the finger into the penis. Hakkai gasped sharply and arched his back. Gojyo pushed his finger in, then pulled it almost out.

Okay, so I don't have a penis. However, the thought of having my urethra penetrated with a finger makes me cross my legs and go "HOLY FUCK OW!"

Quote :

While continuing the thrusts, he spread lubricant on a second finger and wiggled it in next to the first.

DID I SAY ONE FINGER? I MEANT TWO!

Quote :

Gojyo pulled his hand away and, quick as he could, smeared lubricant over his own penis and slid it into Hakkai's waiting member.

OW OW OW PENIS DOES NOT GO THERE! *crosses legs even tighter*
What's next, penis fisting? Penis goatse?

Quote :

"Gods, Gojyo, I don't break!" Hakkai moaned. "Be rough!"

Um, I'm pretty sure this would result in pretty severe injuries, Hakkai. And remember what Gojyo said above: "No sex with a broken dick."

Quote :

When Hakkai came, they collapsed. Gojyo slid his still erect penis out of Hakkai's now soft one. He grabbed a small towel and wiped Hakkai's gleaming chest.

Chest ejaculation: for when your penis is occupied by another penis!

After this tidbit, there's more generic slash PWP, and then come the author's notes:

Quote :

Special thanks to the Serpent Guardian and Mare Na Var for helping me decide on how to do the sex. [...] Oh, what the hell, special thanks to Pheonix Elemental for not hitting me when I wanted to discuss the sex.

There are FOUR of them who think this is in any way feasible?

Quote :

Okay, I removed this from FanFiction.Net because I was terribly insulted and even told to stop writing. If that happens here, I will remove it. Yes, I know the sex is near impossible. Don't comment on it. Ever.

Read: "I had no idea how two men have sex with each other when I wrote this, neither did my little friends, and if you say anything about my arteestic expression, I will pitch a shitfit."

Quote :

These people are demons. Not only are they anatomically different from humans, but they like pain. A lot. Turns 'em on.

Niiiiiice try to cop-out of fixing your weird ideas of hot mansex, author. Too bad that a) aside from the ears, eyes, fangs and claws, Saiyuki demons don't display any other differences from humans and b) they're all about CAUSING pain, not receiving it. In short, no matter how you spin it, poor Hakkai is not going to use his dick ever again (or Gojyo has a teeny-tiny pinprick).

So yeah, penis/penis penetration. Thoughts?

I have nothing to add to this but 'AGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! Anatomy fail to the Nth power!

Just the thought makes me want to cross my legs and whimper in pain.

Hahaha! This is totally classic. Her author's note is pretty awesome too. What's she's basically saying is, "Feel free to review but only if you think it's hot."

Quote :

"Sex without lubricant hurts."

Yes, well, but wouldn't it be extra painful if you've got two things of relatively the same size and you try to stick one inside the other? Wouldn't there be some tearing or something of that sort?

I don't want to turn this into a subcultures thread, but: "Cock Stuffing"

Quote :

I use a glass thermometer and insert it into my
urethra. I know that this is wildly dangerous � as the glass could
break � but I thought it safer as it is manufactured very smoothly.
I know other men who use a variety of implements �
pens, markers, tubes, etc., but I have only done it a few times � and
it seems that the glass � while not safe as it could break � is safer as
it must surely be smoother.
I use my own saliva as a lube � as I am not sure
if a personal lubricant � i.e., Wet, KY jelly, or the like, is safe.
Not that putting a piece of glass into your urethra is all that safe to
start with.

Really?! Isn't safe?! You're kidding me.

Also, I'm sure there was a video of some guy inserting this into his urethra and breaking it ON PURPOSE, YES, but I can't seem to find it. :/

The mention of lubeless anal sex makes my butt hurt in empathy. Too bad it happens all the time in the world of yaoi.

XLT-100852.0 wrote:

The mention of lubeless anal sex makes my butt hurt in empathy. Too bad it happens all the time in the world of yaoi.

Agreed, but this is penis being inserted into a penis, and I do believe lubrication is mentioned. Just in a way that seems impossible, like inserting fingers into a urethra.

Yeah unless you're a rabbit, you penis will not fit into a grown human (or demon) male's urethra.

I remember last time this was up, and somebody found a video of a woman using a vibrator on a guy just like that. There were a lot of crossed legs that day, I tell you.

[quote="pirategrrl"]

XLT-100852.0 wrote:

Agreed, but this is penis being inserted into a penis, and I do believe lubrication is mentioned. Just in a way that seems impossible, like inserting fingers into a urethra.

This is what happens when you grow up in a family full of nurses. I remember reading the story of a couple in one of my sister's medical textbooks that dated back to the early 1930s, in which a couple came to see their doctor because they'd been married two years and the woman couldn't seem to become pregnant.

It turned out that, thanks to the woeful sex education of the era, the husband had mistaken his wife's urethra for her vagina, and had actually stretched it to the point where he could have intercourse with her. Yes, it was painful, but the wife had been told by her mother that sex was always painful, so she'd just closed her eyes and thought of England (she'd also had repeated bladder infections).

The couple was horrified when the Doctor pointed out to them what they'd been doing wrong, alllowed him to do a little show and tell, and within a year, they had their first child. So apparently, it CAN be done if you're dedicated (and stupid) enough.

myeerah wrote:

I remember last time this was up, and somebody found a video of a woman using a vibrator on a guy just like that. There were a lot of crossed legs that day, I tell you.

Isn't that video fake?

,DJKHAFHDKJF,HDK AAAAAAH I'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS FIC'S EXISTENCE BUT NOW I REMEMBER THE DISCUSSION ON THE OLD BOARDS AAAAAAAH


My God. I

just

WHY would someone think this is a good idea?!

[quote="Rabid Badger"]

pirategrrl wrote:

XLT-100852.0 wrote:

Agreed, but this is penis being inserted into a penis, and I do believe lubrication is mentioned. Just in a way that seems impossible, like inserting fingers into a urethra.

This is what happens when you grow up in a family full of nurses. I remember reading the story of a couple in one of my sister's medical textbooks that dated back to the early 1930s, in which a couple came to see their doctor because they'd been married two years and the woman couldn't seem to become pregnant.

It turned out that, thanks to the woeful sex education of the era, the husband had mistaken his wife's urethra for her vagina, and had actually stretched it to the point where he could have intercourse with her. Yes, it was painful, but the wife had been told by her mother that sex was always painful, so she'd just closed her eyes and thought of England (she'd also had repeated bladder infections).

The couple was horrified when the Doctor pointed out to them what they'd been doing wrong, alllowed him to do a little show and tell, and within a year, they had their first child. So apparently, it CAN be done if you're dedicated (and stupid) enough.

I just died a little.

[quote="Rabid Badger"]

pirategrrl wrote:

XLT-100852.0 wrote:

Agreed, but this is penis being inserted into a penis, and I do believe lubrication is mentioned. Just in a way that seems impossible, like inserting fingers into a urethra.

This is what happens when you grow up in a family full of nurses. I remember reading the story of a couple in one of my sister's medical textbooks that dated back to the early 1930s, in which a couple came to see their doctor because they'd been married two years and the woman couldn't seem to become pregnant.

It turned out that, thanks to the woeful sex education of the era, the husband had mistaken his wife's urethra for her vagina, and had actually stretched it to the point where he could have intercourse with her. Yes, it was painful, but the wife had been told by her mother that sex was always painful, so she'd just closed her eyes and thought of England (she'd also had repeated bladder infections).

The couple was horrified when the Doctor pointed out to them what they'd been doing wrong, alllowed him to do a little show and tell, and within a year, they had their first child. So apparently, it CAN be done if you're dedicated (and stupid) enough.

That poor woman!

Considering that my urologist already put me under when I had to have a catheter once at age 14 and catheters are maybe 1/10 of an inch in width, if that, AND I STILL FELT THE INTRUSION AFTERWARDS (very vivid memory, I'm very happy I never had to do that again), Badger's story makes me want to cry, pee myself in fear and faint, in that order.

myeerah wrote:

I remember last time this was up, and somebody found a video of a woman using a vibrator on a guy just like that. There were a lot of crossed legs that day, I tell you.

I think I remember what you're talking about. Not going looking for it again, because, besides it being gross and mind-exploding, my computer got a virus when I was curious enough to look.

So, I'm not going to look again, but if I remember right I think there was a partial split at the end of his penis that wasn't obvious until insertion was tried, and the vibrator was about two-thirds the size of his penis or smaller, not the same size.

I'm not sure if anyone has produced a video of actual penis-to-penis insertion without one of them being either a micropenis or sugically modified.

Reading this made me lean forward in my chair. And I'm a woman.

I joked about penis/penis intercourse to squick out my brother a couple of times. That someone would make a fic about it doesn't surprise me as much as it should (Did anyone write one about fucking a hole in somebody's skull too?)

V3N0M wrote:

I joked about penis/penis intercourse to squick out my brother a couple of times. That someone would make a fic about it doesn't surprise me as much as it should (Did anyone write one about fucking a hole in somebody's skull too?)

I have seen a fanfic where Lucius Malfoy gives Draco a skullfuck after he kills him (complete with lovely descriptions of his penis rubbing against his 'squishy brain')
Anyway, back to this... thing. Why would anyone write this? Did the author actually think this is what happened at the time they wrote it?

All I have to say is COCKFIGHT! Maybe this should have been named 'When Penis Fencing Goes Wrong.'

I used to think this fic was just an anatomically impossible kink -- different strokes for different folks -- but seeing the summary has made me realized that the writer and betas are probably just morons. Warn for that, you twits!

*gags slightly* Oh god, just thinking about that makes me, strangly hard, yet terrified.

No. No no no no.

A few months ago I had to have a catheter due to complications from a hysterectomy. Apparently my body did not approve, because the catheter kept getting blocked, and I had to go to the ER a total of four times to have it removed and reinserted. Believe me, there is NOTHING that feels good about ANY part of that process.

Edited to add that morphine was dripping into my veins three of the four times, and I still did not enjoy it.

One day, I got a hair stuck a little inside my urethra.

Let's just say I cringe at the thought of anything thicker getting in there.