Ben & Arthur

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Ben & Arthur is a monstrosity from the mind of Sam Mraovich (the balding dude), who wrote, directed, produced, starred in, and about 17 other things. All of which he makes sure to credit himself with before the movie even starts. Then, in the opening scene, he is rolling around in a bed while wearing tiny lycra bike shorts, apparently oblivious to the fact that no one wants to see his hairless pear-shaped body. But then, this movie is oblivious to a lot of things. Like how laws work. And how religion works. And how basic human interactions work.

Basically, this movie is about two gay men, Ben (the guy with hair) and Arthur (Sam). They are going to get married after being together for three years, but Ben announces he has to get a divorce from his wife first, who he has been married to for five years. Somehow neither Arthur nor Tammy (psycho wife) had any clue the other existed. Bizarre dialogue ensues:

Quote :

Ben: I am homosexual.
Tammy: No, you're not! You're just confused.
Ben: I have the papers!

This lead to me wondering why I'd never gotten my homosexual papers, but apparently they were talking about the divorce forms. The entire movie is full of this bizarre, awkward dialogue. Some more examples:

Quote :

Victor: My brother is a homosexual. He's marrying a man, and I need to find out what his next move is.

Quote :

Stan: So Arthur, when do you plan to have kids?

Victor: I'm sure... as soon as Arthur gets a beautiful wife and children,
that's when he'll have a nice family. Isn't that correct, Arthur?

No one has ever talked like that ever.

Anyway. She signs the papers I think, or Sam just forgets about them, so Ben and Arthur continue to go about their lives. They want to get married in Hawaii, but Hawaii cancels gay marriage so they go to Vermont instead, which is full of palm trees. Then they go home (California I think) and hire a lawyer to keep California from invalidating their marriage or something.

Meanwhile, Arthur's brother Victor, a super-religious homophobe with bleached-blond hair, is kicked out of the church because "The congregation is concerned that your brother's homosexuality may rub
off on their children and send their souls straight to hell." Victor says that he is willing to do anything to get back in the church, including "the final deed." The priest agrees that if Victor murders Arthur, Victor will be allowed back.

Somehow, the movie manages to get worse. Victor murders the lawyer, Arthur murders the priest despite there being no indication he knows about the connection, Ben punches Arthur in the face because his bicycle got stolen (Arthur: "Well, you know, Ben, if I ever get killed, maybe you can take that insurance money and just go ahead and buy a hundred bikes!"), Victor murders Ben, and then there is something about incest and Arthur and Victor both die. And then it ends.

And then the credits come on and Sam reminds us again how this movie was all about him.

Some more scenes: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

And a wiki page to prove this disaster actually exists: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]