First post on this board. I have been a major lurker since it was just godawful, but now I have the time to do more than laugh. Hopefully this attempt at a funny post will come across as such.
Is it my fault that each time I read about “digits
scissoring” inside someone’s “
hole” I picture an actual pair of
scissors? That seems quite painful to
me. It takes me fully out of a story. Not turned on at all. At all.
Seriously. Scissoring fingers. When did that first come up? In an Edward Scissor-hands slash fic? Ouch.
Oh, and I do enjoy someone with a gift for expression. There are so many synonyms for asshole. Hot channel, for instance. Passage.
That’s a good one. It’s great
that they’re all used in one paragraph of this one-shot I was reading: Crowsnest Late at Night
You know, to be honest, I really enjoy the idea of
Norrington and Sparrow totally getting it on, but there are more interesting
ways to go about getting them together without the random announcement, made by
Sparrow (who had a personality transplant for the particular fic I read), that
he had somehow acquired mango oil and wanted to try it out.
- Quote :
[“I GOT mango oil.” Jack rightened him, and
leaned closer, his lips barely touching the other man's. “And I wanna try it
out, savvy?” he wiggled his eyebrows seductively, and James nodded his
understanding.
James nodded. His
penis
did need a good massage. And why not let a dirty, brown-toothed pirate
stroke it?
So they fuck in a crow’s nest? Whatever.
And surprise, Jack’s a bottom.
Huh. How about that. British Naval Officers, or at least former
ones, apparently always top. These are the things I learned from that fandom. It scares me a little. Also the fact that since that in the movies
Sparrow says ‘savvy’ more than twice means that he must say it after everything
he says in fan fiction. Especially
during sex. A million times, savvy?
“I’ve got some mango oil.
I suggest we try it out, Norrie, savvy?” (Sparrow calls James Norrington “Norrie” or “Jamie” in almost
every slash fic I’ve come across.)
“We’d better try it out.”
“Get naked, savvy.”
“Touch me, savvy.” “Stick your
engorged organ in my hot channel/passage/chocolate tunnel o' love, savvy.” “I’m coming, savvy.”
- Quote :
Jack moaned loudly with each push-in, rocking
his hips back to meet his partner's each thrust. He cried out when his inner
button was rubbed by the hard flesh, and he bit his lip, whole body shaking as
he came, spilling his seed onto the crowsnest floor.
Inner button, savvy!
Don’t push it, Norrie, he’ll transform into the real Jack Sparrow and skewer you, savvy. Also, messy much? Jesus, Mr. Gibbs is going to tear those guys a new one once he finds the mess they made. ... now I have Mr. Gibbs/Sparrow/Norrington stuck in my head.
Why?!
- Quote :
James winced as if in pain when the incredible
heat clenched around him, pulsing as if fire was licking his shaft. He
tightened his hold on the smooth skin, and shot his own load deep into his
captain's welcoming body, moaning loudly when that happened.
“My dick is on fire!”
Norrington shouted and pushed the pirate out of the crow’s nest. He looked over the edge, wincing as he saw
the pirate out cold on the ship’s deck.
At least he wouldn’t have to hear the word ‘savvy’ again, savvy?
Also, he moaned loudly
when
that happened. “… and shot his own
load deep into his captain’s welcoming body, moaning loudly when that happened.” That made me laugh for a good three minutes. It's as if the writer dares not to describe what she dares describe.
- Quote :
Jack grunted when he felt the other's explosion
against his insides, and sighed contentedly, his body more than happy to absorb
the white liquid.
Sparrow had long since been using his asshole as a storage
place for bombs. But the explosion
doesn’t kill him, even if it was “against his insides.”
After this they cuddle and sleep comfortably, partially
naked and still covered with mango oil, in the crow’s nest. I can just imagine Mr. Gibbs’ face when he
puts two and two together and Pod!Norrington and Pod!Sparrow try to explain it
away that they had gotten scurvy in their naughty places and the only cure was
buttsex with mango oil. … Hopefully it
was infused with vitamin C.
Well, you know, it is a well-accepted practice. And an interesting way to take your vitamins.
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