RPF for WHO?

Some of you may remember a snarking back on the green boards of an elaborately detailed Mary Sue fic that turned out to be for Groucho Marx. I was reminded of that post when I came across a recent piece of fan fiction. I think it would be best if I didn't reveal the identity of the love interest until the end of the snarking, for maximum impact. With that in mind, I present to you "The Mystery Man".

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I had never seen such an odd-looking, and yet captivating man in all my life. I was at a music event at a nearby bar that had talent shows every Friday night. The man that captured my attention was very tall, and his hair was long and dark, possibly jet black, with curls that spiraled and spilled over his shoulders.

Hey, maybe it's Marc Bolan from T.Rex. He ain't no square with his corkscrew hair, right? I could deal with RPF about Marc Bolan.

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I had never seen such curly hair before. I took particular notice to the skin on his hands, which
seemed somewhat olive-complexioned, compared to his face, which glowed with an anemic pallor. Just a hint of pink barely accented his
cheekbones. He may have had makeup on, but why? He was a man, and why would a man wear makeup?

I can think of a few good reasons.

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He was so interesting that I just wanted to continue to observe him and find out why he was so pale, and hopefully introduce myself to this exotic creature. I just had to know more about him! Upon further observation at my own table, I caught a glimpse of his profile while he chatted and laughed with what seemed to be friends of his.

This sounds like something Steve irwin would say on The Crocodile Hunter. "These mysterious curly-topped creatures are rarely seen outside their normal habitats, but today, we have managed to spot one out in the open. Crikey, mate! I'll grab it's tail and see if it has any sort of reaction to me!"

Quote :

I discreetly tiptoed over to the wall, and snuck around its corner, which was chipped and needed a paint job, and had two payphones bolted to it, to get a better look. I could see that he was actually taking a seat in front of a dressing room mirror!

I love how the author gives all these helpful describing details, like they have any sot of relevance to the plot whatsoever. It sounds like she goes to the Stephanie Meyer school of writing.

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I had noticed that he also seemed somewhat saddened when he was to himself, but happy and cheerful when he was with friends. Maybe he acted happy in front of everyone so noone would be concerned for him? I tried desperately to piece the fragments of clues together. I wondered why the stranger seemed so sad and nervous, and I could feelmy heart in my throat. I wanted to cheer him up, though I had no idea who he was. He was just so captivating!

Following some random stranger back to their dressing room, yep completely normal and not stalkerish at all. But you gotta piece up the clues, right, Nancy Drew?

Quote :

My voyeuristic rendezvous was interrupted by a waitress, who bumpedinto me, then politely excused herself, "Oh, sorry, sweety- I didn't see you there," she said, with a southern drawl. She had vanished, unaware of my nosiness, before I could reply with a meek, "S'ok." After clutching my chest for a few seconds, from fear of having been caught, I went back to observing my object of interest. Sweat was still trickling from my brow from almost being caught.

Are you sure that's what the sweat is from? I mean, people don't watch random strangers from a distance just so they can figure out who they are. I'm pretty sure something else is going on there. Something... not so good.

Quote :

Trying to get my focus in such a dark place, I found him calming down a bit and checking his make-up in the mirror, which would explain his unusual paleness, and he was applying more white powder to his face to cut down on shine. He then reapplied his blush, gently blowing off any access before application. I thought to myself, "he is obviously a performer. I wonder what his talent is? He is probably doing Shakespeare or something." I surmized this because of the white makeup the man was skillfully applying. Suddenly, in my intensity of watching him, my weight pushed through the slightly opened door of his dressing room and I fell onto his dressing room's plush red carpeted floor, startling the man. "Oh, my!" He shrieked, his voice sounding effeminately high, as he jumped from his seat. He then plastered his back against the wall in fright, his eyes wide opened.

Lots of makeup, secrecy, and effeminicy. Yes, definitely a Shakespeare performer. I can't think of any other area where those traits might be familiar.

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My long, brown hair had clumsily fallen down into my eyes and my mouth was agape at the horror of being found out. The hair that had fallen into my eyes and face was now blowing out as I tried catching my breath. My skirt was riding up my thigh and having landed on my hands, and my right hip, I was looking up at him through strands of my hair. He, in turn, looked down at me. The large man whom I had been spying on was now barreling toward me. I was sure he was going to pummel me! My life flashed before my eyes! Oddly, he didn't seem upset at all, past the initial startle.

HOT.

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I wanted so desperately to know this man's name, but I chickened out and instead I asked, "You probably want to change clothes, right?" Hinting that I should probably leave. "Oh, no. I'm done. Now, I just have to wait until my name is announced," he explained with exaggerated, effeminate hand gestures. He looked me up and down, and I looked him up and down, still biting the corner of my lower lip. Our eyes flirted with each other as he serenaded me with a sweet melody which was accompanied by a ukelele.

What do you do when someone breaks into your dressing room and watches you from afar? WHY YOU PLAY THEM A SONG, OF COURSE! I can think of a few Police songs that might be appropriate for this situation.

And now, for the great reveal. What performer is so special as to warrant an entire stalkery oneshot and lovingly, almost creepily detailed description?
Marc Bolan?
Mick Jagger?
Robert Plant?

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he no sooner
finished the last note and a name was announced over the loud speaker as though they were a celebrity, "And now for your listening pleasure! The one - the only - Tiny Tim!" The roar of applause was deafening. "That's me! I'm up!" He said this with a large, polite smile then continued, "It was a pleasure meeting you, Miss Cheryl!" He patted me on my shoulder and hurried off to the stage, but not before asking me to stay for his show and get an autograph afterward. Needless to say, I stayed for the show.

That's right, Tiny Tim. "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" Tiny Tim, himself.

I found it here, on a Tiny Tim fanpage. Yes, a Tiny Tim fanpage. It also hosts some delightful homemade graphics and poetry, too.

Sigh.

There really is fanfic for everything.

Mary Sue wrote:

Tiny Tim.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

You called?

Damn, I thought this was going to be about RPF for the World Health Organization.

grmblfjx wrote:

Mary Sue wrote:

Tiny Tim.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

You called?

No.

Nononononononon fuck you you just ruined my childhood. All of it. Anything left that the rest of the internet had left intact you just shat on.

Goddamn it. Nothing is good and pure anymore. Not even A Muppet Christmas Carol.

Bless us all

Tiny Tim Fan Page

TINY TIM FAN PAGE

Nope, I got nothing.

That music video.

THAT MUSIC VIDEO.

came expecting the guy with the ukulele, left satisfied

fic delivers

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

That music video.

THAT MUSIC VIDEO.

I suppose we should be thankful all the stories are G rated.

Keith Fraser wrote:

Damn, I thought this was going to be about RPF for the World Health Organization. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Glad I wasn't the only one.

TheHedonist wrote:

Nononononononon fuck you you just ruined my childhood. All of it. Anything left that the rest of the internet had left intact you just shat on.

Finally. *gets checklist*

myeerah wrote:

Keith Fraser wrote:

Damn, I thought this was going to be about RPF for the World Health Organization. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Glad I wasn't the only one.

I thought it was The Who.

I've read badfic for the Who as well. Maybe I should dig that up.

My initial reaction:

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As glad as I am having not read further to spoil the surprise, it was extra facepalmage.

To quote a review of "Chocobo Nights": 'I just facepalmed so hard my neighbors felt the shockwave.'

Listen, I'm not even facepalming about it being Tiny Tim. What really makes me mad is that she stalks him and barges into his dressing-room, with the clumsiness and the sweatiness and the lip-biting, and instead of kicking her out he thinks it's great and plays her a little song?

Goddammit I hate these things.

idk that seems to be a pretty tiny tim reaction

I've heard a story about Tiny Tim doing something similar to Gordie Howe. Dunno if it's true, but...

Oh dear lord. I actually thought it wasnt TOO horrible, until I read the name Tiny Tim.
Just............what? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]