DS9s Interdimentional wet T-Shirt contest

Today I present you with one of the real stinkers of the Star Trek fandom, one that I originally reported a few years back. This story features bad porn, invented words, and a deranged female Q called 'Quim'.

The story begins aboard DS9, where Quim proceeds to round up all of the sexiest women from the fandom.

Quote :

Quim of course, being the slutty bitch that she was, liked huge tits, and
so every woman on the station found herself with a magnificent set of 42FF cup
tits or larger.

Naturally, it is impossible for small breasted women to be slutty, or for large breasted women to be non-slutty... just saying.

Quote :

Janeway gasped as a jet of ice clod water hit her top, making it
transparent, her mountainous milk melons on display for millions thanks to Quim.

Well there's a bad euphemism if ever I saw one. In fact it kind of makes me wonder if these particular breasts are spliced with melons and coconuts. Probably not an image that the author intended.

Quote :

It was then that Quim decided to make things more interesting, as is the
custom of mischievous Q like herself, and in a flashed a pair of Kazon warriors
appeared on either side of Janeway, hard cocks at the ready.

Meanwhile, the real Janeway reads this fic in horror, and the only thing at the ready is her phaser. Janeway kills author, the end. Well, we wish.

Quote :

Unable to resist the oversized tits, Nog gave the big tits a squeeze, the
firm tit flesh yielding to his fingers. At first Nog had felt guilty about it,
but he was Feregeni, so that guilt didn't last long.

Ummm.... can somebody tell me what a 'Feregeni' is? Please?
Yet when Jake joins in on this activity, the impossible happens...

Quote :

Janeway stared down in amazement at the sight two young man, playing with
her tits, a titgasm overwhelming her, crashing down her like a ton of bricks.

Yes, a titgasm.

Quote :

Fearing punishment for not answering, Janeway gave into debasing herself.
"Yes master, I, I like being treated like a dirty little whore."

Need I even comment on this sentence? Okay, I will. Janeway would just never say something like this. EVER.

Quote :

Nog's cock was the strangest looking thing Admiral Janeway had every seen
in all her years, including her odyssey in the Delta quadrant. It was 12 inches
long, with two sets of nut sacks fulled with six nuts each, but the weirdest
thing was the small sucker that looked like a cross between a golf tee and a
tiny flower, that Janeway assumed was for stimulating clits.

Hold on, that means that a Ferengi... sorry a 'Feregeni', in this fics parlance, has twelve testicles. Does that mean that Nogs scrotum would have to be larger than a grapefruit? Perhaps it's best to go without that particular mental image, but since I had to imagine it I decided to be mean and inflict it on everyone else.

Why am I applying logic to this? Why, God, Why?

Quote :

What happing to me Janeway asked her self, hoping that it was Quim's
influence, but knowing deep down inside that it was all natural, a masochist
side of her.


Catherine moaned lewdly when Nog took her soft tits and wrapped the ample
mounds of tits flesh around her thunder stick.

What's 'happing' is that that you're stuck in a badfic. Also, a person can have a masochistic side, but not a masochist side. Kathrines' name is mis-spelled, and I'm left wondering what the hell is 'her thunder stick?

Quote :

"Oh, fuck me! I'm coming , oh God I'm coming!" the Admiral shrieked in a
less than dignified manner, her huge knockers coming alive with almost painful
rapture of her titgasm, stealing her dignity and replacing it with wanton lust.

That would be titgasm number two.

Quote :

Nog's voice joined his senior officer's as his cock exploded

Surely he should get to sickbay with that, because that sounds pretty serious.

Moving swiftly onwards Jadzia Dax and Seven of Nine enter the scene.

Quote :

Seven pulled Janeway over her knee and started spanking the slutty Admiral.
Janeway closed her eyes, totally absorbed in the way Seven's hand felt smacking
cruelly against her firm buttocks.

If this was an attempt to be kinky... epic fail.

Quote :

Jadzia seeing an opportunity, buried her face in the Admiral's snatch,
feasting lovingly on the federation slut's tasty cunt. Nine life times of
experience gave Jadzia the cunt licking skills of a true master.

Hold on, but Janeway was supposed to be being spanked in the previous paragraph... how would the mechanics of this work?

Quote :

Deanna Troy and her mother Luxanna Troy appeared in much the same attire as
the ensign, naked on their knees before Nog, their leashes in his hands. They
didn't understand why they were there, but Quim just removed their minds,
setting them up to serve their new master. The Betazoid bimbos went to work.

Now we have TNG characters being deprived of their personalities. Also her name is Lwaxanna.

Quote :

"Jake you too amused me, you may have Tasha Yar and her Romulan daughter."

Yar and her daughter appeared naked before Jake wearing nothing more then
the others. Both looked at Quim with venom, but both had no choice, Quim
destroying their minds and replacing them with the urge to please their master.

The author apparently can't remember the name of that Romulan daughter either, Sela.

Later, when Captain Dross of the USS Vancouver attempts to deal with Quim, the following happens to him

Quote :

"I want you to fuck every single member of your crew, at the same time" she
declared mischievously. With a wave he was in 12 different places at once.

What a charming concept.

Quote :

And see her dancing with another hot piece of ass, that former Borg, Seven
of Nine, was almost enough to make the Ferangi cream his pants. Boy, was the
mouth of his new slave girl about to see some use.

We've had the Feregeni and now we have a Ferangi. Wow.

I think I'll just cut to the chase and get to the most memorable and sigable lines in this entire story...

Quote :

Quim snapped her fingers and where Seven was, now stood a human sized pair
of breasts, wobbling in the slight breeze produced by the stations environmental
systems.

THE END.

I first read it years ago, and could bring myself to skim it but - isn't this the one that has the inexplicable line 'she was experiencing pure, untamed erotica'?

If it is then the author was referencing Andrew Troy Keller, who used it in most (all?) of their copy and paste tales.

Clearly not, then - I could never remember where it was from, only that people kept sigging it, and I kept giggling every time I saw it.

It's entirely possible OmegaPhallic quoted ATK somewhere. Taking the piss was something of a competative sport at one point. It was a sad day when AFF caught on and banned him for trolling, for publishing virtually the same story 100+ times with different settings.

is it Nostalgia Week or some shit

It is. We're all going to start wearing baseball caps and bowties and start screaming abuse about Batman & Robin.

, her mountainous milk melons



You know, I may have to drag this over to Weeping Cock, assuming it hasn't already been sporked to death there.

Milk melons? Conjured up images of fruit salad rather than breasts....

Quote :

Quim snapped her fingers and where Seven was, now stood a human sized pair
of breasts, wobbling in the slight breeze produced by the stations environmental
systems.

This sentence took this fic from bad to hilariously stupid. What the hell kind of universe is he living in where tits wobble in a slight breeze?

Also, I'm aching to know what becomes of the tit version of Seven-of-Nine now. I've been left hanging