Tainted Perfection, or Harry's Cow Moos Dangerously

I thought I'd drag a couple old stand-bys into the new forum. So here is “Tainted Perfection” by fallenangel316. And, oh, how she has fallen.

Also, this is the only fic that Ms. 316 ever posted at the Pit. I’m wondering if she had to change her name and start over in another fandom after this.

Fallenangel316 wrote:

Snape’s Class
Friday

Such a clever hook to pull the reader in! After all, the first thing on anyone’s mind in a PWP is to know which day of the week the sexing occurred.

Fallenangel316 wrote:

It was a Quidditch match against Slithern.

I keep reading “Slitheen” here, which is giving me some odd mental pictures…

Fallenangel316 wrote:

“Look what Potter did! He managed to get it a deep purple.” Draco supplied.
“Yeh, well, nice hair!” Harry said to Draco, and immediately felt embarrassed.

I would be too, if I’d just said that.

Fallenangel316 wrote:

Snape raised a finely arched eyebrow and Draco sneered again.

Draco’s eyebrows, however, were not as finely arched (Snape had a steadier hand with the tweezers) and so his sneer lacked a bit of the punch it would have otherwise had.

Fallenangel316 wrote:

“Draco, I want you to work on transforming this tea pot into an armadillo.” Snape said. “The magic words are yellishonovum! And don’t forget the right wand stroke!” Snape went and sat at his desk.

Draco remembered hearing horror stories about this Transfiguration assignment from the older students. Apparently the incantation had been invented by someone very, very drunk.

Fallenangel316 wrote:

Harry set to work arranging the bottles, while watching Draco attempt his transfiguration assignment. He realized how cute Draco was when he was frustrated.

Plus, every new attempt at pronouncing “yellishonovum” was more hilarious than the last.

Fallenangel316 wrote:

The bones stuck out in his slender wrists as he flicked his wand. It flew around the room like a delicate butterfly and Harry’s heart did the same.

Draco has a very serious compound fracture. And what flew around the room? The bones, the wrists, or the wand?

Fallenangel316 wrote:

There was silence for a few minutes, and then Draco spoke up, his silvery tones rising from the darkness and gloom of the dungeon. “I saw you swipe that gillyweed Potter! What do you think you’re doing?”
“I didn’t do that,” Harry said, lamely.
“Yes you did. I saw you!” Draco insisted, and in three quick strides he had crossed the room. Before Harry knew it, Draco was feeling around Harry’s robe for the jar.

Cue the thumping bass-line.

Fallenangel316 wrote:

Suddenly there was a crash and gillyweed spewed across the floor…

Things are really bad when even the plants are getting’ outta Dodge.

Fallenangel316 wrote:

Harry moved closer and licked the warm, red liquid off of Draco’s two blushing pilgrims.

Draco's lips are pilgrims? Pilgrims?!? Do they regularly wander around his face, exploring new territory and setting up colonies under his earlobes?

Fallenangel316 wrote:

Draco’s hair started coming out of its mold. It stuck up in all directions and was very sexy. It flopped in his cold grey eyes – which were now alight with passion! His hair could not conceal his growing excitement!

Ooo-kay. Draco’s hair is kept in a mold, his lips are “pilgrims,” and if “growing excitement” refers to what I think it does, than Mr. Malfoy has one of the most screwed up bodies in all of fanfiction. Did he get in the way of a Migratory Organs Hex that morning?

Fallenangel316 wrote:

Harry couldn’t quite explain what was happening – all he could think of was an expression Ron would use when the two snuck into Fred and George’s room to read dirty magazines. Quite simply: Harry’s cow popped out of the barn door and mooed dangerously. And then, quite simply, Draco began milking the cow.

And then, quite simply, every reader fell over laughing.

Fallenangel316 wrote:

Harry could not help but notice the finely carved stomach of Draco Malfoy. Harry took in the rippling, creamy muscles of Draco’s stomach.

“Finely carved,” “creamy” muscles?

Fallenangel316 wrote:

Draco pulled Harry’s robe off and swirled his tongue in the soft baby rolls of Harry’s stomach.

Ugh. That's just...gross-sounding.

Fallenangel316 wrote:

Harry pressed his face into Draco’s abdomen, moaning all the while. He had never seen a body so exquisite. He inched his way down, licking every inch of Draco’s body. Harry finally arrived at the button of Draco’s pants, which could not quite conceal Draco’s growing excitement.

Which had migrated again. Stupid hex.

Fallenangel316 wrote:

Draco breathed a sigh of exquisite relief to finally have released the strong manhood that had been suffering such a cruel imprisonment inside that barricade of cloth ever since he woke up that morning.

If you change “Draco” to “Grignr,” that sentence could have come straight out of The Eye of Argon.

ONCE MORE WITH FEELING:

For the silly metaphor fanart contest, because I feel like touting my own horn.

Haha, horn.

"THAT! IS! NOT! MY! COW!"

Terrifyingly, the "blushing pilgrims" line is a reference to Romeo and Juliet. Badfic authors trying to associate themselves with Shakespeare is scary. Then again, someone on TVTropes compared My Immortal to the Iliad because "every fight ends with someone flying away" ...

If perfection is "tainted," is it really perfection?

KJM wrote:

If perfection is "tainted," is it really perfection?

No. Once something's tainted, it ceases to be perfect.

Someone needs to buy the author a dictionary. Or at least refer them to an online one.

KelinciHutan wrote:

Quote :

Draco's lips are pilgrims? Pilgrims?!? Do they regularly wander around his face, exploring new territory and setting up colonies under his earlobes?

Pilgrims makes me think of Plymouth Rock. So now I'm picturing them wearing those stupid hats with the buckles on them and carrying blunderbusses.

Damn, I wish I could draw!

Sorry about having a thread necro for my first post, but this thing is hilarious!

Quote :

Just then Snape entered with his cape swirling about him like the shadows that Malfoy had just emerged from.

*From which Malfoy had just emerged.* A pet peeve of mine.

Quote :

He pointed to a large collection of vessels filled with lovely tinctures worthy of any girl's thickly lashed orbs. There was even one that reminded Harry of Ginny's own fine hue. And only few really were able to appreciate that hue.

According to my dictionary a tincture is a 'tinge or shade of colour; faint taste; veneer; (Pharm) solution of a substance in alcohol. To tinge, to imbue, to affect to a small degree.'

I wouldn't want any of that on my 'thickly lashed orbs'. If Ginny's eye colour, (eyeshadow?), is so fine why are only a few able to appreciate it?

Quote :

"Draco, I want you to work on transforming this tea pot into an armadillo." Snape said.

Because we all need to learn things that will become useful for us later in life. I myself, only in the past few years, have used trigonometry for the first time since I left school in 19mumblemumble.

Quote :

"I was just noticing how much you look like that armadillo." Harry quipped.

They both looked over at the feebish brown rat with scaly plates on its back. Harry's cheeks were turning red from his embarrassment, and Draco too looked a bit uncomfortable.

Harry's fearsome wizarding skills don't seem to include stand-up comedy.

Quote :

Noise in the corridor prevented an awkward moment.

Sorry, is this a fart joke?

Quote :

What they did not know, because they had not been paying attention in Snape's potion class, that gillyweed was an afrodiasiac.

Aphrodisiac. From the Greed goddess of love and beauty, Aphrodite. Unless Gillyweed makes you get a frizzy perm.

Quote :

Harry moved closer and licked the warm, red liquid off of Draco's two blushing pilgrims.

'Hi, Draco. We've just done Canterbury and are just off to do Lourdes and... Sorry, old boy, but would you stop your schoolfriend licking off our warm, red liquid? It's awfully embarrassing.'

Quote :

Quite simply: Harry's cow popped out of the barn door and mooed dangerously. And then, quite simply, Draco began milking the cow.

Priceless! Whichever way you attempt to make this work, there's no rationale to this metaphor at all! First, I took the cow popping out of the barn door to mean Harry's erection. This also works with the milking. But, how does that equate to a cow mooing dangerously? Then I figured the cow and barn thing was Harry coming out of the closet as gay. But I'm still not seeing the mooing at all, let alone dangerously!

I know, Iknow! Trying to crowbar logic into a fanfiction is the very epitome of the phrase, that way madness lies.

Quote :

Draco stammered, his silvery moon drop eyes widening.

"No Draco, don't ruin this moment with words."

'We have the author to do it for us.'

DAMN! Narwhal moved or deleted the picture she did for Harry's cow. >_< Did anyone happen to save it?

rae, if you're referring to Narwhal's post of 11 June 2009, I can still see the picture.

You probably have a different link to it than I did, then. Link, please? Or just post it up in here. That was possibly her best contribution to any snark.

That's weird, I can see it too. Anyway I saved it to my photobucket. Here:

[quote="KelinciHutan"]

Fallenangel316 wrote:

The bones stuck out in his slender wrists as he flicked his wand. It flew around the room like a delicate butterfly and Harry’s heart did the same.

Draco has a very serious compound fracture. And what flew around the room? The bones, the wrists, or the wand?
[quote]

I keep picturing Draco's metacarpals and phalanges shooting violently out through the torn skin of his wrist, leaving his hand to flop limply sideways like a glove. It's a most effective weapon, but patently a one-use-only sort of affair.

Oh, except wait, there's Skele-Gro!!!