The Shit Dildo (NWS)

Shit Dildo

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by Dan Reinker

With today's employers Googling your name as a background check... you think attaching it to this would help your chances at getting hired?

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As I was grunting, perched over the ivory ring and the water below, my mind wandered to the grunting I would likely do that night.

Every night, I have chronic bouts of constipation and dread sitting on the toilet for an hour with a water-damaged copy of "Electronic Gaming Monthly".

Well, I say it's just water.

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...I was very glad Jack in the Box was having its three tacos for ninety-nine cents deal.

Reading that made me wish that I lived near a Jack in the Box. I'd never go hungry, and get my fart-tastic fix of faux Mexican Food. Apparently it's his cure for constipation. You know, on second thought, water's a better choice.

So the guy gets pretty gorram constipated.

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I would push and push, trying desperately to dislodge whatever was in there, but it would not exit. It seemed to be biding its time, and as days pass, I started to wonder what exactly was in there. What sort of butt-monster had declared my anus its permanent home? I could only wait and wonder.

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I was experiencing another failure, my brown anal starfish clenching and unclenching impotently, winking at the toiletwater below.

Spoiler:

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The wave of depression at not being able to perform rushed over me, and I wiped my crack with shame. To look at that paper, white and lonely, without even a hint of brown, just a stray pube... it was almost too much for my heart to bear.

Does anyone remember that episode of King of the Hill that centered around Hank's inability to pass a stool?




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I started to cheer up later, as I sat across from Linda's pudgy body at Jack in the Box and bit into my taco. Looking down at the folds of the tortilla, red with special sauce, I started to imagine how wet Linda must have been getting. She wasn't very pretty, but as the saying goes, pussies are universally beautiful.

AHAHAHA TACOS AND PUSSIES GEDDIT? GEDDIT?

So in short, if someone compares your nether-regions to cheap faux-Mexican food, run away in horror.

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At this point, I could tell she was hot to go; I could smell the dank stench of her sex permeating the room. It reminded me of the ocean, especially the way her fat oscillated like winter surf as she impatiently rubbed her legs together. I smiled, and walked over.

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... I yanked down my pants and exposed my swollen power-prong of pleasure. I jabbed it impatiently into her belly button;

Boink!

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She was dripping like an overripe pimple

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I decided it was time to feed her my meat.

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As I pulled free of Linda, my mind kept thinking the same thought: the beast is awake. The beast is awake. A fart like a snarl ripped free from my anus, and I yelped. Quickly, I sprinted to the bathroom, ignoring Linda's protests. This was a shit that could not be denied. I sprawled onto the toilet seat, happy that I had made it, and gratefully released the muscles of my sphincter, waiting for the monster to slide gracefully out. But this beast had no grace, and it was much to big to fit painlessly through my meager butthole. I tensed in pain as the thing rammed itself at my sphincter, smashing into it like a city bus out of control.




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Foolish was I; I actually contemplated for a moment whether I should give birth to this unholy leviathan. As if I had a choice. With a wrench, the shit tore apart my asshole, forcing its head through. I shrieked; my hand dug into the toilet paper roll by my side, my knuckles white. My body twisted, and I buckled down, pushing with all my might, despite the pain. Distantly, I could hear the Carmina Burama playing, as I licked the sweat off my upper lip. All I had to do was push. All I COULD do was push. This monster would not be denied.

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I began to think the thing would never emerge. It shoved its way out, bit by bit, clawing onto the dank hair of my crack in its efforts. Then, with one asshole-wrenching thrust, it was out. My butt cheeks were bathed in ice cold piss-water as it plunged into the pool below.

HELLO MY BABY HELLO MY HONEY HELLO MY RAGTIME GAL

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I wanted to reach out and touch it, but at first I fought with my unworthiness. Surely, to touch it would strike me dead! But finally, my curiousity overcame my fear, and I ran my fingers across its sleek surface. Rapture! It was as hard as I had expected, and my touch caused it to bob up and down on the surface. I took it in my hand and stroked it.

I shall call it... Mini-Me.

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It was strangely ridged

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I thought of Linda, and it was then I knew. I wrapped my hand around the gargantuan stool, and hefted it. It lifted in one piece, and I raised it like a sceptre. A smile grew on my face as I thought of what was to come.
When I came out, Linda was lying spread-eagled on the couch, so I could see straight into her cunt. She leered sexily. I carefully hid the shit behind my back; she just wouldn't have understood.




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I slowly started to ease the length of shit into her cunt. She gasped.
"Wow! You're so...BIG!!!!" she gulped, starting to pant heavily. "I never knew you could get so big!"

Brb, I have to clean the floor. My brain appears to have evacuated the premises.

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"Ooh! Fuck me! Fuck me with that long, hard dick!" she howled. I complied, pumping the brown log in and out of her hole. As I did so, I noticed that the phallic poo was developing a slimy layer of crud mixed with her vaginal fluids on its surface. This just made it go in and out easier.

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As I pumped her with this dildo of dung, I started to bang her breasts back and forth with my spare fist. This really started to get her going, and I sensed she was started to approach orgasm. I really started to slam the shit into her cunt, and she started to make shrieking noises. Yep, wouldn't be long. As I pummeled her hole, I started to notice that the shit was starting to lose its consistency. It seemed to be getting a little softer, and was molding itself to her cunt.

This tool is violating OSHA regulations left and right.




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I fought to keep the shit dildo pumping into her, trying to keep up with her sudden spasmatic movements. And then, abruptly, I found myself holding half a shit. The other half had broken off in her cunt.
She gasped as she came out of her orgasm. Her eyes still tightly closed, she sighed in contentment. "Keep your dick in me." she purred. "I want to feel you get soft inside me."

MELTS IN YER MOUTH VAG NOT IN YER HAND.

NO NO NO NO NO NO

NO

THIS IS HOW INFECTIONS HAPPEN OH DEAR GOD

Also, the inclusion of the carmina burana makes me refuse to believe that this was written in earnest.

Oh man, this was one of the fics Miss Zarla lifted extended quotes from back when my only exposure to GAFF was her highlight posts. I remember the line with him pulling it out of the toilet and her note under it reading "You know where this is going, don't you?" and me being all OH GOD and it was such a perfect badfic moment, ffff.

The first time I ever read this...thing, the abrupt (and unmentioned) shift from them being at the Taco place to apparently being back at his place made made me think he was trying to fuck her in the restaurant. Which, given the fine quality of his writing, wasn't that unlikely.

There are many sexual variations in this world that I can at least kind've wrap my head around, but I will never understand people being obsessed with scat. Scat and water sports are just beyond my ability to comprehend.

Read the thread's title .... I honestly expected it to read "The Shit Dildo (A Poem)"

Nihilist wrote:

I love this song!.

...What?

Someone please tell me how to unread that. I've read some pretty disgusting things, but this... I don't even know how to discribe this.

Oh and yes the Carmina Burana is an amazing song.

>brown anal stardish
Of all things you could possibly write about, why scat? I mean, what's so sexually appealing about shit? And can't you get diseases from doing shit like this?
Now excuse me while I go and get a drink or 10 *cowers in corner*

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I thought it was about time for a repost:

No, no, no. Let it die.

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["Okay, sweetheart. I'll stay inside you as long as you want." I said, as I quietly tiptoed to the door. As I shut it behind me, I decided I probably wouldn't be dating Linda Blemski for awhile.

Not once she opens her eyes and finds out the little present you left inside her, asshole.

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A smile grew on my face as I thought of what was to come.

LAWL

...

I think in bad puns. So sue me.

...I kinda miss mafi and the mighty rage barely contained within that tiny person.

Now that the thread's been resurrected...

Just so you know, I think of this story every time I eat a taco from Jack in the Box. Which is admittedly a rare occasion, but still, it has a special place in my heart.

Thank God there are no Jack in the Box restaraunts around here. I don't think I'd ever be able to eat there, or even look at it without gagging.

Thank you. I don't squick easily, but right now I am glad that I have some conscious control over whatever mechanism is responsible for puking.

....I was eating fudge until now.

Ugh.

I remember reading this a long, long, long time ago when I was just getting into fanfiction. I never though I would have to encounter it again, but here I am, proven wrong. At least it came with a funny write up this time.

Now this fanfic has a prop and a visual aid!

Log Dildo by OxBalls

(Yes, OxBalls, that online sex toy shop that keeps showing up on Scary Sex Toy Friday.)

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I carefully hid the shit behind my back; she just wouldn't have understood.

Spent and grinning, I lay sprawled next to Linda on the bed, clutching a handful of melted shit in my right hand and cupping her lovely breast with my left. The rise and fall of her sweaty, flushed chest was beginning to slow; I awaited the moment when she would turn to me and tell me what a wonderful fuck I'd been.

Her eyes flew open and she sat bolt upright. "Linda?" I sighed, reaching for her shoulder with my clean hand. I saw that she was looking at the stained sheet between her legs and reaching down to touch her genital area with a horrified tentativeness. I realized that I had done a foolish thing, and that the best option was the impossible one - to leap out of the bed and run for my life.

"Alvin?" her voice was high-pitched, almost crying in shock and disgust, "is this - is this shit?" She raised filthied hand to her face, smelling it, examining it, before turning to look at me. Her facial expression was a sight to behold: bulging eyes standing out against a background of horror-contorted muscles, like a halloween mask. Her nostrils flared as she glimpsed the remains of my glorious turd, still hanging uselessly from my right hand.

"AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGHHH!" she rocketed out of the bedding, wailing and flapping her arms, "OH MY GOD, ALVIN! I'M COVERED IN SHIT! COVERED IN SHIT! WHAT DID YOU DO?!" She began to hop from foot to foot, clawing at her labia to help expel my crap, which dropped to the floor in small, slimy chunks, "OHHH! IT'S INSIDE ME! OH MY GOD HOW DID IT GET INSIDE ME?! HELP! HELP!"

I was so confused by her reaction that I couldn't move, "Honey, honey, why are you freaking out? You just had the best fuck of your life, didn't you?"

Her jaw dropped, and she stopped moving for a moment to look at me in absolute hatred.

"You. You...shoved a TURD inside me?" she asked, beginning to cry.

"I thought you would like it..." I responded.

An howl tore from her throat, a ungodly, primal howl that degenerated into a series of terrible insults and obscenities. She hurled the filth on her hands at me, spat at me, and threatened to call the police. Then she began to sob and demanded to be taken to the hospital. I stood, determined to comfort her - in part because I was genuinely sorry for the annoyance my fetish had caused her, but also in part because I didn't want a doctor or police officer knowing this had happened - but she pushed me into the wall with her shit-stained hands and ran to the bathroom. I heard the shower running, retching sounds, and commands for me to get out of the apartment - she'd send my things later. I headed to the kitchen to wash off my hands, torso, and face, and to wait for her to emerge for the make-up sex. She's mad now, I thought, but in all the stories they discover that they have a taste for the fetish, too. poopypalls1961 and raddiaper wouldn't steer me wrong...Still, I hope I didn't hurt her feelings.

Fourty-five minutes later, she emerged, lobster-red, wrapped in a towel and grimacing with fury.

"Why are you still here?" she asked, in what was surely Satan's voice.

"Hey, sweetie," I said hopefully, "Anything you want - I'll make it better. Look, I'm already naked!"

"Get out," she growled, "It's over between us."

"You've got it all-"

"You shoved shit up my vagina. I'm breaking up with you."

"Linda?"

She stormed into the bedroom and grabbed one of my work shirts, a pair of biking shorts, and some mismatched slippers, "Put on your fucking clothes and get the FUCK out of my apartment!" she shouted.

"Your apartment? We split the-"

"GET! OUT!"

I gathered up the clothes she threw and began putting them on. She rushed back into the bedroom and returned with the soiled bedding.

"Take THIS too, you filthy animal pervert! And don't you DARE take my car"

Except for a slammed bedroom door in the next moment, this was the last I heard from her.

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My walk of shame became the stuff of legend. After dumping the shitty sheets behind a hedge, I shuffled nine miles to my friend Dave's house in the button-up and the too-tight bike shorts, drawing amused and concerned looks from motorists despite my every attempt to stick to the back ways and stay inconspicuous. It took two desperate minutes of knocking on Dave's door to get an answer.

"Hey, dude," Dave said, balking, "What happened to you?"

"That bitch Linda kicked me out."

"Dude, why?"

"I kind of fucked her with my own shit."

"What?!" Dave balked again.

"I was constipated and-and we were about to do it and I went to take a shit, and well, it was the perfect size so I decided what they hell..."

"Dude, you're makin' shit up, no pun intended, 'cuz shit is not hard enough to fuck your girlfriend."

"This was, and now I'm totally fucked. She lost it."

"You didn't ask her permission to fuck her with your shit? You didn't say, 'Hey Lindz, I'm gonna fuck you with a turd, are we cool?' Seriously?"

"Well, I..."

"Alv, dude, that is not kosher."

"I know."

"You're going to have to call your mom or something, because I'm not letting anyone who, like, randomly rapes people with turds in my house, okay?" Dave said, politely but firmly closing the door in my face.

"Wait- wait- Dave? It wasn't rape! Open up!" I pounded on the doors and scratched at the front window for a few minutes, until Dave shouted that he was going to call my mother for me if I didn't leave.

I set out on my journey to find the nearest phone and call my mother myself. However, I decided I wouldn't tell her about the shit dildo. Live and learn.

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The shit dildo turned out to be my life's most disastrous episode. Because I had told Dave, he was able to give corroberating evidence when Linda posted accounts of the whole thing on Facebook and Don'tDateHimGirl. Not only was I unable to get dates after that, but I got reams of hate mail from people all around the city, including everyone in Linda's family. She must have started a secret club of Alvin haters as retribution for the e-coli infection that left her in the hospital for a week. If there were any advice I would give to men in my situation, it would be not to put feces up your girlfriend's vagina when she's not looking. It's a recipe for disaster.

BRAVO!

That was freaking awesome, littledorrit.

You should send that to the author.

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If there were any advice I would give to men in my situation, it would be not to put feces up your girlfriend's vagina when she's not looking.

Wisdom for the ages.